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Comment by crispyambulance | Hacker News Reader

The daily transition from work to home is difficult for many couples and this problem has existed since forever, but it has _nothing_ to do with "being analytical" at work and then having to "be empathetic" at home.

It doesn't matter what your job is or if you're a husband or a wife, there's a period of time after coming home from work that is beset with opportunities for arguments. Lots of people experience this, not just rocket-scientists and developers :-)

There's no sure-fire solution, but a little bit of buffer time seems to work, followed by deliberate accommodation for the needs of the other.

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> "it has _nothing_ to do with "being analytical" at work and then having to "be empathetic" at home."

[citation needed]

I doubt you (or anyone, for that matter) can make such a claim with scientific rigor. You are responding to a statement of someone's personal experience - for them, it very well may have something to do with switching from an analytical, critical state to a more empathetic one.

For my part, I recognized after I got married that I was coming home and applying the same mental model I used at work in conversations with my wife: I was there exclusively to solve problems. My wife just wanted me to listen while she told me about her day. This definitely increased the surface area for arguments, because in my years I've found that generally, wives want you to shut up and listen and empathize with what they're complaining about, and not rattling off "answers" to the problems. I did have to train myself to adapt to the transition. It did cause problems specifically because of the mental model I brought home from work.

It took me a long time to get this right too. I came across this amusing page and realized I wasn't a bad person, because there is a lot of truth to this.

specifically, #39:

http://showcase.netins.net/web/tash/rules/rules.html

This page is very silly, it basically says 'men get to do what they want when they want'. I like how the longest rule is about being 'single-minded', which is basically just an excuse for not taking part in all facets of your relationship.

Here is another perspective which you may find equally dumb:

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Note that this comic is coming from a totally female perspective (scary!) but it really applies either way. For instance, in my marriage I am the one who feels like the chore-czar, while my wife is the one who tends to feel like the planning-czar. If we both realize this and try to meet in the middle it makes things go a lot more smoothly.

That's cute, but here's a funnier way to say it:

http://www.owensworld.com/jokes/men-women/boyfriend-50-upgra...

I prefer humor, but it's obviously not for everybody. Also theres a slightly different version of the one I posted above on this page, but I couldn't find a directly corresponding one for women's version. If you do please share- I'd like to forward it to my wife.

This is assuming they both want the same thing. Society pushes us into marriage and getting kids, not just into gender roles. I think greater equality will lead to more single people, not more men doing house work. Because people will realize they actually have a choice. Most people don’t want to clean and administer the same stuff every day. And although nobody would prefer that thir kids were never born, people would not feel like they are losing out if they never get kids. Developed countries have people get fewer kids later in their lives. Maybe it is because of the economy, but kids could help their parents with money, so i dont think so, i think it is by choice. You could call it people getting more selfish, i say it is people getting more rational, or «analytical» if you will.

There's a truism about gender: when men complain, it's because they want something solved. When women complain, it's because they want sympathy.

Doesn't mix and match well unless you consciously try to handle it differently.

> My wife just wanted me to listen while she told me about her day...

Yes. Totally this...just listen to her...turn off all that problem solving stuff and just look her in the eyes and keep your mouth shut, no matter what she is saying.

She is strong...she can solve her problems, but she needs you to hear her vent and offer emotional support.

Definitely not claiming "scientific rigor" nor do I think it would be worth it to even try.

The argument-after-work scenario, however, has been around for a long time and is well known by marriage counselors.

https://hbr.org/2016/04/how-to-not-fight-with-your-spouse-wh...

FTA:

> Different needs. Both parties are likely to be in different mental and emotional states with differing sets of personal needs, and while this may seem self-evident, it’s striking how many couples forget this when they walk in the door.

A story from my father:

My mother worked in a psych ward, and would come home stressed. She asked that, every day for the hour after she got home, she not be bothered with anything. She just wanted a break between the (inevitable) difficulties of work life and the (potential) difficulties of home life.

So no, not analytic related and not gender related.

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