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Why on earth would it be dreadful on a SATA SSD? Does it really matter if it takes 15 seconds vs 18 seconds?

Don't get it either. Took at most a minute here on my non-SSD laptop.

Maybe something else was going on with my laptop, but it took several minutes for me.

Was using a few instances of Visual Studio 2017, but I don't think they were going flat out.