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Sick now I have something to blame for my chronic lying, thus clearly releasing me from any blame for my own mis-deeds. All makes sense to me though, I felt severe pressure for fitting into what I perceived as my 'role' growing up, and constantly being called smart created massive pressure to continue to be viewed that way.

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>> Sick now I have something to blame for my chronic lying, thus clearly releasing me from any blame for my own mis-deeds.

Umm. Stop trying to place blame on others or yourself. Nothing good can come from that. Results stem from effort, nothing more or less. Learning comes from trying, both success and failure. Understand where you went wrong and aim to do better in the future. When you fail again, rinse and repeat all of the above. And remember none of this is easy, you're trying to overcome deeply ingrained patterns of thinking and behavior.

Apologies that was an attempt at humor.

Dammit!! ;-)

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