Comment by erikpukinskis | Hacker News Reader

Comment by erikpukinskis | Hacker News Reader

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The only place I think that really applies is if you're in a small town. If you can't get past the first few dates after trying with 10-20 candidates in a big city (requiring 100-200 solicitations), you're probably facing one of a few very solvable problems, off the top of my head:

- fails at basic hygiene (solved by showers, haircuts, clothes, cleaning your room, home improvement projects, eating vegetables, etc)

- fails at basic rapport (solved by practicing with non-romantic partners)

- underlying mental health issues (solved by your therapist/psychiatrist)

- fails at having an appealing life to join (solved by identifying personal goals and practicing working towards them)

There are exceptions, of people who are extremely physically unattractive, or who have truly insoluble mental health issues. But it's a really tiny percentage of people. I'm talking you literally make babies cry with your appearance, or you have a history of torturing animals, or something like that.

Most people have just a couple of actual dealbreaking items on their filter, so out of 20 candidates there should be one or two whose filters are on things you accidentally do right.

And I'm not saying those four things I listed above are quick to solve. They take time. It might take 2 years of daily effort. I'm just saying they're easy to solve: there's no trick. Anyone who can bake a cake can do the steps necessary to solve them.

I've been in Cleveland 2 years and I have only went on dates with 2 people.

At my most recent workplace there was only ever one woman around my age. We went to lunch together and talked a ton so I think she liked me but I didn't want to date a coworker at the time. Other than her though, dating through work is apparently not an option.

But as for dating apps/sites and stuff I never get any matches.

So based on all that I don't understand how it's so commonplace for people to go on 10-20 dates. My whole life I've always just dated the first person that liked me, usually with years between girlfriends. Luckily they have all turned out to be great people but that's not something I can count on.

>I'm talking you literally make babies cry with your appearance, or you have a history of torturing animals, or something like that.

I'm apparently attractive enough that even straight men will tell me so unsolicited. As for mental health, the only thing there is ADD, most people who talk to me seem to think I'm really interesting and easygoing. I have a hard time reconciling all my feedback with the notion that I'm part of some exceedingly rare group that is undatable.

I don't know why I made this comment. There's not really anything for you to say in return. I'm just confused and it's got me down.

I don't really think this situation is all that unusual, but it's something people don't bring up because it causes the reactions like the parent.

I don't recommend dating coworkers, I recommend befriending coworkers and cautiously dating their friends.

Dating apps work OK if you're average to above average in attractiveness, writing skills, and flirting, and you can keep your anxiety in check.

If you're below average in some of those areas, you need to be in non-romantic group settings so that people can observe you move confidently in space and become attracted to you. That means hobbies.

> I don't understand how it's so commonplace for people to go on 10-20 dates

Yeah, I guess I was thinking about online dating. The in person stuff is slightly different. If you volunteer for environmental restoration every weekend, you will go on 10-20 "dates" over the course of 50 weekends, while pulling up invasive species next to someone who is a little bored. That will be your first date. If you like each other, you just have to say yes to more opportunities to be with them, and they'll be doing the same, and you'll eventually get to a "real" date.

Do your best to look cute before you show up to these events, and get your mental health in order beforehand. Events with physical activity help with both of those things.

> I have a hard time reconciling all my feedback with the notion that I'm part of some exceedingly rare group that is undatable.

Yeah, no, doesn't sound like you're in that category. From what you're saying it sounds like you're just missing the 10-20 first dates thing.

There's maybe a 5th category:

- fails to recognize good candidates (solved by more dating)

It's easy to wind up barking up the wrong tree because you haven't figured out what is really important to you, as well as how to find it.

One problem I have is that I'll never get the chance to date enough people to discover what qualities I like in women.

Why on earth not? Various networks offer anybody the opportunity to go on many first dates with many people. It takes some effort, and you have to learn how to come across well & take good photos & stuff, but few people have all doors shut to them.

I see you commented elsewhere you get few matches- why is that? Figure that out, fix that. Dating isn't take-it-or-leave-it, it's a life journey that most certainly includes working on yourself.

>Various networks offer anybody the opportunity to go on many first dates with many people.

Not if those people refuse to go on dates with the person.

>why is that?

No idea. I'm supposedly really attractive. If there's an answer I don't have a way of finding it out.

>it's a life journey that most certainly includes working on yourself.

Well I can't get in much better shape than I already am, I could make more money but I'm already making enough that that shouldn't be holding me back any. On paper there's basically nothing wrong with me.

It sounds like the first step might be opening your mind to the possibility there are things you could do better that you haven't already thought of. Do you know how to take good pictures of yourself? (That other people like?) Are you a good writer? Both of these, for example, are great skills to brush up on for dating networks.

You can find out what qualities you like in women by being friends with them. No need to date. And you can find out what qualities you like in a partner by collaborating with anyone, man or woman. You can find out what qualities you like in a housemate by living with people. You'll need a date to figure out what you like sexually, and in a few other area, but you can (and should) get a pretty good base understanding of what you're looking for without dating.

I find it interesting that you consider all these problems "solvable", almost in a sense of being trivially solvable, while I feel that most people wrestle with at least one of these for their entire lives.

And people with these problems nonetheless have or had SOs. :P And people with... much deeper problems also have SOs. And then some people just can't find SOs, even if everything looks good on paper. I don't think it's so simple.

> you consider all these problems "solvable", almost in a sense of being trivially solvable, while I feel that most people wrestle with at least one of these for their entire lives.

Yep. Two reasons:

1) Like I said, they're easy solutions but slow. The human mind is not built for 2 year slogs without reward.

2) All of these things are moralized, which makes it really hard to "just try". We think if we fail it reflects poorly on us, which makes it slower to start, slower to recover from missteps, and we just run out of time.

> And people with these problems nonetheless have or had SOs.

True! I was responding to someone who couldn't get past a first date for a decade, with the major things that could be getting in their way. In reality, solving just one or two might be enough to get them over the hump.

You missed strong religious beliefs that don't fit in with the local culture. Totally something that could be changed but not really willing to.

How important that is, may depend on how important it is to you that your partner is of the same faith.

If you will only consider those of your faith, or demand suitors convert to your faith, it might be worth considering a move.

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