Sounds great if you have lots of options. Some of us are getting older and haven't made it past anyone else's filter. At some point your will to just try and make it work regardless of the match.
- fails at basic hygiene (solved by showers, haircuts, clothes, cleaning your room, home improvement projects, eating vegetables, etc)
- fails at basic rapport (solved by practicing with non-romantic partners)
- underlying mental health issues (solved by your therapist/psychiatrist)
- fails at having an appealing life to join (solved by identifying personal goals and practicing working towards them)
There are exceptions, of people who are extremely physically unattractive, or who have truly insoluble mental health issues. But it's a really tiny percentage of people. I'm talking you literally make babies cry with your appearance, or you have a history of torturing animals, or something like that.
Most people have just a couple of actual dealbreaking items on their filter, so out of 20 candidates there should be one or two whose filters are on things you accidentally do right.
And I'm not saying those four things I listed above are quick to solve. They take time. It might take 2 years of daily effort. I'm just saying they're easy to solve: there's no trick. Anyone who can bake a cake can do the steps necessary to solve them.
- fails to recognize good candidates (solved by more dating)
It's easy to wind up barking up the wrong tree because you haven't figured out what is really important to you, as well as how to find it.
I see you commented elsewhere you get few matches- why is that? Figure that out, fix that. Dating isn't take-it-or-leave-it, it's a life journey that most certainly includes working on yourself.
Not if those people refuse to go on dates with the person.
>why is that?
No idea. I'm supposedly really attractive. If there's an answer I don't have a way of finding it out.
>it's a life journey that most certainly includes working on yourself.
Well I can't get in much better shape than I already am, I could make more money but I'm already making enough that that shouldn't be holding me back any. On paper there's basically nothing wrong with me.
If you will only consider those of your faith, or demand suitors convert to your faith, it might be worth considering a move.
And people with these problems nonetheless have or had SOs. :P And people with... much deeper problems also have SOs. And then some people just can't find SOs, even if everything looks good on paper. I don't think it's so simple.
Yep. Two reasons:
1) Like I said, they're easy solutions but slow. The human mind is not built for 2 year slogs without reward.
2) All of these things are moralized, which makes it really hard to "just try". We think if we fail it reflects poorly on us, which makes it slower to start, slower to recover from missteps, and we just run out of time.
> And people with these problems nonetheless have or had SOs.
True! I was responding to someone who couldn't get past a first date for a decade, with the major things that could be getting in their way. In reality, solving just one or two might be enough to get them over the hump.
At my most recent workplace there was only ever one woman around my age. We went to lunch together and talked a ton so I think she liked me but I didn't want to date a coworker at the time. Other than her though, dating through work is apparently not an option.
But as for dating apps/sites and stuff I never get any matches.
So based on all that I don't understand how it's so commonplace for people to go on 10-20 dates. My whole life I've always just dated the first person that liked me, usually with years between girlfriends. Luckily they have all turned out to be great people but that's not something I can count on.
>I'm talking you literally make babies cry with your appearance, or you have a history of torturing animals, or something like that.
I'm apparently attractive enough that even straight men will tell me so unsolicited. As for mental health, the only thing there is ADD, most people who talk to me seem to think I'm really interesting and easygoing. I have a hard time reconciling all my feedback with the notion that I'm part of some exceedingly rare group that is undatable.
I don't know why I made this comment. There's not really anything for you to say in return. I'm just confused and it's got me down.
Dating apps work OK if you're average to above average in attractiveness, writing skills, and flirting, and you can keep your anxiety in check.
If you're below average in some of those areas, you need to be in non-romantic group settings so that people can observe you move confidently in space and become attracted to you. That means hobbies.
> I don't understand how it's so commonplace for people to go on 10-20 dates
Yeah, I guess I was thinking about online dating. The in person stuff is slightly different. If you volunteer for environmental restoration every weekend, you will go on 10-20 "dates" over the course of 50 weekends, while pulling up invasive species next to someone who is a little bored. That will be your first date. If you like each other, you just have to say yes to more opportunities to be with them, and they'll be doing the same, and you'll eventually get to a "real" date.
Do your best to look cute before you show up to these events, and get your mental health in order beforehand. Events with physical activity help with both of those things.
> I have a hard time reconciling all my feedback with the notion that I'm part of some exceedingly rare group that is undatable.
Yeah, no, doesn't sound like you're in that category. From what you're saying it sounds like you're just missing the 10-20 first dates thing.
Wait But Why covers this pretty well also: Happiness is reality minus expectations. Its up to you to be content with what you have and what you can realistically achieve.
My wife didn't. :-)
Double-bonus in that investing in yourself leaves you better off & happy, with or without a match.
Personal experience, after devoting my soul to my degree, I graduated a likable, intelligent, boring person. It took many years of purposefully expanding my horizons, to get beyond that.