Automatically translated from Brazilian Portuguese.
I volunteer on a suicide hot line; I got a call from a young woman who'd tried to hang herself, then googled how to tie a noose, and found the NSPL (National Suicide Prevention Line) number. Long story short, she was in an intensely abusive relationship; the cops had basically blown her off when she called for help; and she had no family resources or money. So from her perspective she was totally isolated and had no options.
After about 40 minutes of talking, where she discovered what it was like to talk to someone sympathetic to her problems and who believed her, she asked about alternatives to suicide, and I was able to get her in contact with a women's shelter who (to the best of my knowledge) got her into transitional housing and helped her start up a life on her own.
This woman did not need to die, and didn't need to live the particularly awful life she was in; once she'd found alternatives, she didn't want to die.
It sounds like you're dealing with some very painful things and feel like you have no options. It's hard for me to know what the specifics are based on what you're saying; there can be resources, however, depending on your situation and needs.
But now I'm going to university. I'm going to turn around, I hope. I'm hoping things will get better. But I always think that the way is very difficult and that it would be better if the journey was over soon. I think it's some level of depression.
Congratulations on your work. It must have saved many lives. I keep thinking that if I do something as important to society as you, maybe it's worth living.
Translated automatically.
It's nice to have the privilege of being able to drop everything and travel. I imagine if everyone had that option at their fingertips suicide would be much less of a problem.
> But also it never hurts to talk to a psychiatrist and get an assessment.
I know people who have been put on sex registries and lost a great deal as a result of talking to a physchiatrist. It would be nice to live in a world where it never hurts, but that's dangerous advice incongruent with some surprising western disclosure laws.
1. It is possible to be happy, despite a lack of "traditional success" (which often has very little merit beyond material wealth). I can't tell you how to do that, but please keep remembering this as a possibility, and then with enough time you can find the path that works for you - but you must look for it. In the meantime, yes, you are likely suffering from depression, your brain will tell you many things that are simply incorrect. Remember that also, it is very important.
2. Consider finding volunteer work, perhaps working with mildly mentally handicapped people, you may find genuine joy in their accomplishments. That is just one idea, but volunteering offers a path to profound happiness for many people.
Best of luck.
Unfortunately, there's still social stigma, and the active prevention measures make it harder to acquire equipment for painless suicide -- so some choose rather brutal methods instead, like jumping under a train [3]. I wish there was a way to commit suicide (not necessarily euthanasia) in a more civilized manner.
[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Right_to_die
[2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antinatalism
[3] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_on_the_London_Undergro...
Edit: another unfortunate thing is that it is not easy to discuss the topic, even on Internet. Taking the side of "suicide is fine" may have unpleasant consequences, and even this is a "dead" reply to a "flagged" comment, from a throwaway account.
He was a very kind and gentle person. Good looking and well built, even. Very into death metal. I still should have his tape of death metal songs he recorded for me. In hindsight he would probably have made a good friend, but he never dared to really reach out to people and we kinda overlooked him, took him for granted.
I think the trigger was having failed his drivers license. Other than that, and that he had strict and cold parents, I basically knew nothing of him, and I can't guess at his mind state or the reasons. But I know that they weren't good reasons. Time has this funny way of putting adolescence into perspective, and it makes stuff like this more tragic and pointless with every passing day.
I also worked at a cancer ward for a bit, and a nurse told me a patient once offered her some obscene amount of money to kill them. Of course she didn't do it, but, you know.. it's hard. But that's far off from something like my classmate, or Kurt Cobain for that matter, whom I also consider a waste. Toughing it out is always even more brave. I'm not in a position to command anyone to live, but I would rather err on the side of life. So many things are a matter of perspective, of lighting, and it's such a big thing to throw away.
If you're ready to kill yourself, you're not losing anything if you life longer, and suffer some more, do you? I mean, the second you die, your memory of whether you suffered 5 seconds or 50 years would be equally gone. I say this as someone who went through dark times, too. But whenever I pictured something like actually putting my neck on a train track, and a train incoming, I KNEW it would make the hair on my neck stand up and shoot up like a bolt, I couldn't even do it in fantasy. I'm glad for that, I know that's not something I can take credit for, and loosing the will is nothing to be ashamed of IMHO either, I never thought low of that classmate for example. But a tragedy is a tragedy, damnit! Don't be one :(
The same reasoning can be used to argue that there's no reason to live even a happy life: you're not gaining anything, since your memory will be gone anyway.
Just because.. that's the best reason anyone can give you for living anyway I think, there's energy available and it kind of finds way to get used, whether by people hurting eating each or by blades of grass being jolly good friends, it will get used.
[1] Miranda, Regina, et al. "Suicide attempt characteristics, diagnoses, and future attempts: comparing multiple attempters to single attempters and ideators." Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry 47.1 (2008): 32-40.