Hacker News Reader

Comment by EuroHikikomori | Hacker News Reader

I have been living as a Hikikomori for the last eight years. Every two years I leave my home for a few hours, but I spend the rest of the time in front of my computers.

I don't have any friends in real life or online and the only people I interact with are my parents.

Every meal is prepared for me so the only thing I have to do is my laundry once a month.

I often think about how fast time flies when living this lifestyle. A year feels like a month to me.

The sad part is that I have missed out on most things a normal person experiences. The twenties for most people is about experiences, creating lifelong memories, parties and fun. It feels like my twenties was over in the blink of an eye and left a book with empty pages. My youth has run into the sand.

View on HN

I really appreciate you sharing your experience. What made you decide to be hikikomori?

It's never too late. Tell your parents that you want to change life. Turn their support into something positive. Go out of your house to buy pizza, ice cream, whatever. Get your body moving, the mind will follow.

Try to stay in your room without digital devices... for one week. It will clear your thoughts and force you to deal with reality. You will feel bad, at first. But it's going to get better. It's the beginning of your new life. Isn't it exciting? A whole new journey lies ahead of you!

Take a long walk in the countryside, far from other people. Nature is truly amazing and hiking scratches that same itch of sensory overload (Internet and gaming).

Everyone makes mistakes. But you should not be defined by them. You're living a defeatist narrative. Get out of that narrative. Forget your biases and expectations. Don't let other people define you.

If you want to keep in touch, post your contact info.

I wouldn't say it was an active choice, I didn't even known about hikikomori until very recently, but the description fits my lifestyle.

I went to trade school and graduated as a network technician/systems administrator, but I never got a job and then time just went on and suddenly I hadn't left my home for years.

I wrote in my first post, I'm sad I missed out on so many things in my youth, but sometimes I think the reason why I'm sad is because I have been conditioned by social conventions to believe that I should be.

If I had been going to parties in my twenties, according to social conventions, I wouldn't have missed out and should be happy, but what if I should be true to myself?

I have actually never really enjoyed other peoples company and had I been invited to parties, there is a great chance that I would just stand awkwardly in the corner waiting to go home.

I do get extreme enjoyment from programming and doing other computer stuff alone, and I'm able to do it 24/7. Maybe I actually have the most fulfilled life that I could ever have, following my personal preferences, but social conventions are preventing me to acknowledge it?

It's a double-edged sword.

Your post is really fascinating to me. I do think it's possible to be happy living unconventionally. My life is also unconventional, though in a different way.

Do you socialize online a lot? Do you work freelance at all or are you financially supported? How do you usually pass the time other than programming? What do your parents think about it?

I don't socialize online at all as it would quickly feel like a burden to me.

I don't work freelance or have any income at all, but I'm very low maintenance as I don't eat much and don't like material possessions. All I own is a few computers and a toothbrush, but I don't have any debt either. I think it would be impossible to make my life more minimalistic than it is now.

Once a month I do my laundry and all other time is spent at the computers. I work on a project for some months, delete it after completion and start over with a new project.

I think my parents has gotten ‎acclimated to it as the change was gradually over a long time and not from one day to another.

> I work on a project for some months, delete it after completion and start over with a new project.

Damn, that is hard to hear. Is it because you don't think the project is good enough? Will you get to a point where you don't delete your projects?

I am a little like you otherwise, especially in being low maintenance and owning almost nothing except for a computer. I don't hang out with much of anyone besides my wife anymore, but I do go out nearly every day to exercise under the sun. And I prioritize working as little as possible, just a freelance project every few months to keep enough money for food and leave as much time as possible for my own projects (but I don't delete them!).

> Damn, that is hard to hear. Is it because you don't think the project is good enough? Will you get to a point where you don't delete your projects?

It not so much that, I have enough time to work them into perfection, but there is no use for them after completion. It's not like when an employer request some work to be done that is going to be used afterwards, it's just me trying to make op some project ideas.

I do believe that some people are just not fit to live the average life.

I spent so much time trying to follow normal people. I'm not very different from them, but say, a bit too intellectual (not smart, just intellectual) and introverted. There's a part of human relationships, such as, simple fun, banter, exchanging viewpoint, that are extremely tiresome to me (probably because of an issue with non cerebral exchange, friend and love being a lot less easy for me). For a long time I just followed along as the shy guy, 99% anxious/shy mood. I ended up drifting away.

Now since, a few things happened, I almost had a meaningful relationship with a girl; that changed my view of life, people, friendship, partying, lifestyle and work (work became a mean to an end, not just a playground for passion). Unfortunately the relationship crashed for absurd reasons. I'm now back to lonewolf mindset, but not because I can't live like others going out etc but just because the grief took out any desire for me to do so. I understand both viewpoint, my old "hikikomori" self and the new one.

Lastly I have now a lot less value for what others like. It's just their fun, not mine, I don't feel bad for my tastes (feels like coming out :) but I don't feel the need to do what they do. Not that I avoid it, but I'd say I'm just more stable on my feet. The girl I mentioned before also had a similar realization, for many years we often try to fit the mold, for some it works, for others, it doesn't and you realize you're fine doing your own shit.

I understand the "time flies faster", and btw, the few time I go to family reunions or parties, even though I don't like it really, it messes with my brain, it's a burden a bit, but the next day I feel like my brain has been replenished with randomness (others behaviour, stories, feelings) and it slows time somehow.

Well, "going to parties" means nothing. So many people go out regularly, but really just pretend to have fun and socialize while actually being bored, going out just out of habit or because "you're supposed to". It's like a lottery, you keep playing it out of irrational hope that you'll have more luck next time. And then you go home and feel like shit and lonely, you could've just as well spent the night watching movies or playing games all night, you'd probably have more fun. Thing is not about being at certain places or following certain social rituals, it's about enjoying the activity. If you truly don't enjoy something, fuck it, just don't do that. But problem is that we often don't do things cause we're afraid of doing them, and we'd otherwise really want to try them. That's what's killing us, wondering "what if I only did it". If you can come over that, get over regrets, you can live a happy fulfilled life by doing whatever, where ever...

What's the point of being true to yourself? That doesn't mean anything anyway.

With respect, I don't think you are telling this person anything new here. While not hikki, I've studied this community for a couple of years and it's precisely these "normie" platitudes that they resent. Again, I know you just want to help. But I've learnt that they are a pretty self-aware bunch who understand their condition and how it could be changed. The problem lies elsewhere, as it's usually either a deeply compounded crippling self-worth, an ingrained tendency to not want to socialise, or both.

The sooner you make a change, the fewer of your life's pages will be blank.

Think more of the future and less of the past. I know how it feels to think that you missed out on years of your young life, but you soon forget when you fill your present with positive experiences.

My apologies for this unsolicited opinion, but have you considered getting weights if you haven't got them already? If you get some weights you can do some extra exercise in your room, just learn how to use the weights safely. I believe your parents would be more than happy to get you them. It would be an improvement in itself and may possibly lead to better things. Just my opinion though.

Why do your parents put up with this?

If it's any consolation, parties in your 20's tend to get old pretty quick - especially if you've been doing it since your... teenies?

I'd much rather sit at home with the missus and my cat and make myself some nice cocktails rather than go back into a big house party, or a nightclub and I'm only 24! A lot of my friends are in the same boat - no one parties any more, we all just sort of "got over" it.

What do you leave your house for for a few hours every two years?

The hospital for a check-up.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com