A New Form of Social Withdrawal in Japan: A Review of ‘Hikikomori’ (2009)
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I lived with my parents playing WoW all night and sleeping all day. I had very few social interactions.
What dragged me into that lifestyle was the complete destruction of my ego. I was simply unprepared to live as an adult. It's not much of a surprise I couldn't cope. In high-school I was coddled for being smart and never developed a work ethic. College hit me like a sack of bricks.
I'm sure there are myriad reasons why people choose to withdraw from society; my case is merely a personal anecdote. Nonetheless I think my case is not a rare exception.
Ultimately what pulled me out of that malaise was successful employment in a software company. It was only after I recovered a sense of self worth that I could finally step out of my cave.
Sometimes I'm arguing on HN or imageboards etc. and I think that to wind down from it all, to realise the impermanence of it, it's good to meditate, noticing the thoughts that appear in your mind. No distractions, music etc.
(seriously, "bring back national service, but I don't have any facts" is a terrible argument for HN)
I think there are a lot of potential issues with service, but if you're feeling lost in life, at least you can pick up some habits that should help long term.
Military discipline would have been great for me because I would have had some functional baseline. Unfortunately, there is no analogue to "just join the military" for the disabled.
I read a lot of employment success stories similar to yours! Which is great, good to hear you're feeling better.
It does go to show that for some people, jobs (by giving community and a sense of purpose) are still very important and will probably continue to be, which means interesting times ahead.
The only thing that kept me from completely succumbing to it was my family's economic situation. I was something of a functional hikiki, drowning on the inside but putting on a normal mask for the outside world.
I think it won't ever go away and I will just have to manage it to the best of my ability.
i'm almost done with my bachelor's degree now (two weeks!), finally, at 28. i'm actually in the middle of writing a very long final essay about hikikomori for one of my classes this semester. go figure!
What dragged me out of this state was the one-two punch of getting a job and meeting a girl. Neither ended up being particularly good for me but they got me started again.
Now, though, I've boiled it down to 'pick a new goal, work towards that goal, achieve (or abandon) goal, repeat'. I was stuck on the idea that there was no 'right' choice, I've now realised that means there's no 'wrong' choice either, so I just do what I find to be most rewarding, which is building useful things.
Are you sure you are actually out of that malaise?
I mean, writing software can also very much feel like playing a game, and an even less social one perhaps.
Staring at a computer screen at work basically indicates that they are not hiki any more (although they probably still have some issues that will need some work before they would be considered mainstream).
I played a lot of online games, and they were my primary source of social interaction. To someone who doesn't understand how one can be social on the internet, it could have appeared that I was socially withdrawn, but I wasn't.
Like any condition though, the negative consequences have their own merit: playing video games most of the day doesn't usually lead to long term skills one can apply. If anything, I'm less social now that I have marketable skills :P
I don't have any friends in real life or online and the only people I interact with are my parents.
Every meal is prepared for me so the only thing I have to do is my laundry once a month.
I often think about how fast time flies when living this lifestyle. A year feels like a month to me.
The sad part is that I have missed out on most things a normal person experiences. The twenties for most people is about experiences, creating lifelong memories, parties and fun. It feels like my twenties was over in the blink of an eye and left a book with empty pages. My youth has run into the sand.
It's never too late. Tell your parents that you want to change life. Turn their support into something positive. Go out of your house to buy pizza, ice cream, whatever. Get your body moving, the mind will follow.
Try to stay in your room without digital devices... for one week. It will clear your thoughts and force you to deal with reality. You will feel bad, at first. But it's going to get better. It's the beginning of your new life. Isn't it exciting? A whole new journey lies ahead of you!
Take a long walk in the countryside, far from other people. Nature is truly amazing and hiking scratches that same itch of sensory overload (Internet and gaming).
Everyone makes mistakes. But you should not be defined by them. You're living a defeatist narrative. Get out of that narrative. Forget your biases and expectations. Don't let other people define you.
If you want to keep in touch, post your contact info.
I went to trade school and graduated as a network technician/systems administrator, but I never got a job and then time just went on and suddenly I hadn't left my home for years.
I wrote in my first post, I'm sad I missed out on so many things in my youth, but sometimes I think the reason why I'm sad is because I have been conditioned by social conventions to believe that I should be.
If I had been going to parties in my twenties, according to social conventions, I wouldn't have missed out and should be happy, but what if I should be true to myself?
I have actually never really enjoyed other peoples company and had I been invited to parties, there is a great chance that I would just stand awkwardly in the corner waiting to go home.
I do get extreme enjoyment from programming and doing other computer stuff alone, and I'm able to do it 24/7. Maybe I actually have the most fulfilled life that I could ever have, following my personal preferences, but social conventions are preventing me to acknowledge it?
It's a double-edged sword.
I spent so much time trying to follow normal people. I'm not very different from them, but say, a bit too intellectual (not smart, just intellectual) and introverted. There's a part of human relationships, such as, simple fun, banter, exchanging viewpoint, that are extremely tiresome to me (probably because of an issue with non cerebral exchange, friend and love being a lot less easy for me). For a long time I just followed along as the shy guy, 99% anxious/shy mood. I ended up drifting away.
Now since, a few things happened, I almost had a meaningful relationship with a girl; that changed my view of life, people, friendship, partying, lifestyle and work (work became a mean to an end, not just a playground for passion). Unfortunately the relationship crashed for absurd reasons. I'm now back to lonewolf mindset, but not because I can't live like others going out etc but just because the grief took out any desire for me to do so. I understand both viewpoint, my old "hikikomori" self and the new one.
Lastly I have now a lot less value for what others like. It's just their fun, not mine, I don't feel bad for my tastes (feels like coming out :) but I don't feel the need to do what they do. Not that I avoid it, but I'd say I'm just more stable on my feet. The girl I mentioned before also had a similar realization, for many years we often try to fit the mold, for some it works, for others, it doesn't and you realize you're fine doing your own shit.
I understand the "time flies faster", and btw, the few time I go to family reunions or parties, even though I don't like it really, it messes with my brain, it's a burden a bit, but the next day I feel like my brain has been replenished with randomness (others behaviour, stories, feelings) and it slows time somehow.
Do you socialize online a lot? Do you work freelance at all or are you financially supported? How do you usually pass the time other than programming? What do your parents think about it?
I don't work freelance or have any income at all, but I'm very low maintenance as I don't eat much and don't like material possessions. All I own is a few computers and a toothbrush, but I don't have any debt either. I think it would be impossible to make my life more minimalistic than it is now.
Once a month I do my laundry and all other time is spent at the computers. I work on a project for some months, delete it after completion and start over with a new project.
I think my parents has gotten acclimated to it as the change was gradually over a long time and not from one day to another.
Damn, that is hard to hear. Is it because you don't think the project is good enough? Will you get to a point where you don't delete your projects?
I am a little like you otherwise, especially in being low maintenance and owning almost nothing except for a computer. I don't hang out with much of anyone besides my wife anymore, but I do go out nearly every day to exercise under the sun. And I prioritize working as little as possible, just a freelance project every few months to keep enough money for food and leave as much time as possible for my own projects (but I don't delete them!).
It not so much that, I have enough time to work them into perfection, but there is no use for them after completion. It's not like when an employer request some work to be done that is going to be used afterwards, it's just me trying to make op some project ideas.
Think more of the future and less of the past. I know how it feels to think that you missed out on years of your young life, but you soon forget when you fill your present with positive experiences.
I'd much rather sit at home with the missus and my cat and make myself some nice cocktails rather than go back into a big house party, or a nightclub and I'm only 24! A lot of my friends are in the same boat - no one parties any more, we all just sort of "got over" it.
At one time in my life, I'm sure I'd love to have done nothing but stay alone in my room for months of time sleeping and doing internet stuff, with my meals and such prepared for me and placed by my bedroom door, but there is no way my parents would have allowed that.
Enabling parents are one part of the equation. But hikikomori might just be a cultural variant of Internet fixation. Independent adults are less likely to be called out on their addictions, because no caretaker is watching over them. How did the study find 88 hikikomori? They were reported by their parents or friends.
I agree that this should be quite common around the world.
In the U.S., there are a lot of 20-year-old men who live with their parents or have a part-time undemanding job and spend most of their time playing video games, etc. and don't intend to get married.
The "pure" form of hikis will rarely even leave their rooms. The idea of a part time job is very much not something a pure hiki would do.
There is a lot of social maladjustment in Japan -- I've never seen this to the same extent in the US or EU. It might be possible in some middle eastern countries due to extreme religious reasons (e.g., Oman), but the underlying reasons strike me as different.
Anyway, please don't conflate this with "playing a lot of video games" -- this is an extreme form of isolation that most people have never seen.
I do know people with panic disorder (and the associated agoraphobia) and social phobia who live on a "Non24" calendar (they might call you at 2am in the morning but not be awake at 3pm.) Depression, anxiety, drug use all compliate the equation, but it's hard to believe that this phenomenon is all that different from hikkiomori.
Many cultures take pride in an imagined exceptionalism and Japan is one of the leaders in that. It serves their ideology to believe that they have a disease that others don't.
I also have the impression that many people have subclinical agoraphobic or social phobic disorders. For instance, my dad was high functioning in many ways but he absolutely refused to go to any kind of retail space, including the store my mom worked at.
Social phobia has a strong association with bullying; some people survive bullying pretty well, but it has a devastating effect on many. Behind the misogyny of the tech culture you might find deep anger about how many smart people were shut out socially in high school. Some people find a pillar of stability that helps them get through it, but the experience of being in a hostile crowd can damage you profoundly.
This is not the issue that hikikomori is representing.
FWIW, I don't think that this is actually unique to Japan -- I just think that it has become easier to document in Japan because so many folks in Japan are starting to think that being a hiki is a good idea, and there is societal infrastructure there to support it.
I recall my moment of change when a girl (irl) asked for a date and I missed a dungeon run. The missing run meant that I would have to wait in line for the item for another few months and it completely broke me of my urge to play.
While I know this isn't hikkikomorism in true form, I learned just how powerful human biology is.
I was like that; as described before in the same thread, a western, light version of hikki - staying at home, eating tv dinners, spending time in front of the computer. Almost no social interaction, cut in a loop, 26 hour days, and happy with it.
And I'm looking where I am now: doing sports, enjoying and throwing parties, keeping in contact with a lot of friends, a lot of whom said me that I have an outgoing personality and charisma... And all of that with almost no time left for TV series or videogames. And I am happy and feel in harmony in this state, too.
These two people don't understand one another and can't comprehend how the other lifestyle can be enjoyable. And I don't really understand how the hell a happy, self-content man can transition from one such state to another - but it happens. In my experience, people do actually change a lot in their lifetime, even if they don't expect it themselves, and one of the most surprising things about this article is how stable the lives of those hikki are over a long amount of time.
I don't want to sound dismissive or anything but I remember discussing this topic in highschool Japanese.. in 2004.
It gives a good introduction to the topic as well as other Japanese cultural phenomena.