> The statement that motion is relative is true
Ok.
> but using it to argue that nothing has motion is what doesn't make sense.
Nothing has motion worth discussing that is not able to (a) change it's trajectory or (b) change it's configuration.
As soon as those options are out you have an inert piece of matter, by definition not a perpetual motion machine.
> An object does not have to be alone in an entire universe to have no acceleration, or utterly negligible acceleration.
No, it can be without acceleration in an extremely crowded universe. And any acceleration that it does have will likely come from gravitational interaction with other bodies, or the impacts of particles or other objects (including light).
> And if it's not alone, it's trivial to have motion, even if you're not 100% sure which objects are moving.
That is where we depart. You are thinking of motion in a classical sense, possibly anchored in 'relative to the point of origin', but that's not how it works in physics where acceleration to a local frame of reference is the only meaningful one because it shows you whether or not the 'device' is the master of its own fate or merely along for the ride.
That's a huge difference, roughly akin to 'dead' or 'alive' and of course there are always people who would like to split hairs over that but we all know what 'dead' means. In physics it can be a little harder to prove that an object really is dead but it gets a lot easier once you catch on to the inertial frame of reference idea.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inertial_frame_of_reference
A final note that may drop the coin for you: An object 'at rest' does not change relative to it's own frame of reference, but an object that has a powersource can change relative to that same frame of reference. The reference frame stays still relative to where you found the object the first time and then you track it over time. If the change is just a translation then the object is dead, if it can change trajectory relative to that frame of reference, rotate about an axis faster or slower than how you found it initially or change it's configuration relative to the frame of reference (for instance, by operating some kind of actuator) then it is still 'alive'.