The amount you apologised at the end of your post gave me some indication about where your head is at now.

You may be stuck in to rigid a routine to be able to see it (everyday you go for a long walk and drink). Maybe change things up a bit. Break away from the cycle you're in.

Do you have any other hobbies? Creative ones? Spend an afternoon learning to draw a face. Or try and cook something complex you've never tried before.