I started poking around the C:\Windows directory to see if there was something that I could use, and I found C:\Windows\Windows.NET\
"Wait a second - C# is .NET, right?"
A hundred lines of C# later, I had a solution for my boss where you drag the CSV onto the program and it spits out another CSV. I would've liked to have the ability to grab an Excel file, but that requires installing another library... can't do it.
1) Go to visualstudio.com
2) click Downloads
if you want the full IDE:
3) choose between downloading free version of a trial of the professional version
if you just want the command line tools
3) scroll down until you find C++ Build Tools and download that
4) double click the file you just downloaded.
5) Done
Uninstall or upgrade is still a nightmare, but installing it on a PC which has never had it isn't bad.
iwr https://chocolatey.org/install.ps1 -UseBasicParsing | iex
restart prompt, then: choco install mingw
(no machine reboots, disclaimer: I work at MSR, nothing related to this)