As for typed alternatives, there's no substitute for Scala. Maybe Haskell or OCaml if you leave the JVM, but otherwise it's pretty much a language wasteland for anyone that's taken a dip in the ocean of Scala.
> because I'm tired of their shit
heh, think it goes both ways ;-) As an observer none of the powers that be took a liking to you calling them out, justified or not (agree that community contrib takes a back seat to Lightbend/EPFL).
Good luck wherever you've wound up (and thanks for the biased Either contrib in 2.12, finally!)