Could you explain? Are you talking about DNS spoofing / hijacking or protocol downgrade attacks? There are answers to those, so I'm not following.
> If your threat model is an attacker who will compromise your webserver because no one can keep up with the flood of new vulnerabilities, and the only way you can keep a private key private is to keep it offline-- which can't be used with SSL then again, no joy.
If you are important enough to worry about 0days, then you need to invest heavily in monitoring and tools like Appcanary that can autoupdate your packages. If you detect that your key is compromised then issue a new one and move on with your life.
HTTPS does not create a false sense of security, MD5 sums for packages delivered over non-TLS do. HTTPS isn't perfect but not using it because it won't stop some very well funded actors is silly. I'm worried about hacked wifi routers at my cafe, not about state level actors stealing HTTPS certificates.