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Comment by snovv_crash | Hacker News Reader

I know for me, if I don't get the alone time I completely disengage from anything social, even if I'm physically present. I don't mind being there, so it isn't social anxiety, I just zone out.

I'm also not trying to be rude, it is more like some uncontrollable ADD that makes my attention wander when I'm in social situations. But get a few early nights and walks alone and I'm back to normal. When I'm rested I've been told that I'm engaging and funny, but when I'm not people (well, at least extroverts) think I'm being aloof and, as the author said, rude. But needing to sleep or to use the restroom isn't considered rude, so I really feel that my recharge time should be similar. Or maybe I just need a better way of handling it.

Are there any introverts out there who have developed coping mechanisms for dealing with people when you're already peopled out, and are willing to chime in?

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Haha, just tonight my wife was talking away about this and that and I was completely oblivious with occasional "uh huhs" and "yeahs" when she suddenly stopped and said, "Do you not want to talk right now?"

I said, "No, no, I'm just tired."

She said, "It's ok if you don't want to talk. Just say so."

Thirty-eight years after we met, I think she's on to me.

Oh... oh gosh. This is exactly what happens between my girlfriend and me. I'm guessing this is what will probably happen years into the future. Thanks. ;)

I'd like to think that much of the time she generally understands me, and bless her heart she really does her best, but sometimes when it gets late my ability to maintain conversation just tapers off and crashes. Now I'm not sure if it's me being rude or it's just some mental block that happens! I really want to believe it's the latter, because my ability to stay engaged diminishes after about 9PM and my mind wanders. It's like a conversation shut-off valve clicks in my head.

The plus side is that she is probably better at reading me than I am, so she usually detects when I'm reaching that point before I do.

I swear we've even had the same conversation.

I can't count how many times the wife will say something to me or ask me something while I'm on the computer and I nod and agree and then she asks for a real answer and I realize I wasn't actually listening.

Fortunately we keep good humor about it, and I do try not to do it too often and am usually successful.

I think for me, getting the quiet time I need is the biggest way I avoid being rude. As you say, it's like getting enough sleep. Over-drawing my sociability account now just means I'm risking being rude to somebody else later, so if I really want to respect people, I need to carefully control the amount of social time I spend and try to pick things that are less draining.

But for when I'm peopled out, I definitely have some tricks:

* Go to the bathroom and spend a couple of minutes in peace.

* Say "Hey, it's noisy/hot/chaotic in here; want to get some fresh air?"

* At work, I like doing walking meetings, which are less socially intense for me.

* Have socially acceptable reasons for leaving early. E.g., running regularly in the mornings means I can say, "Oh, gotta get up early to train for my race!"

* Minimizing other things that draw down my sociability, like noisy work environments.

* Get people talking to one another. E.g., "You mentioned X. Let me grab Jane, who's very interested in X too!"

I've also had some luck going to events with introvert buddies. If you both go get some quiet together, it doesn't look like you're being antisocial.

A technique that I have found to be useful is to focus my attention on studying the people themselves, not the words they are saying. By that I mean I turn myself temporarily into a researcher who is watching people (not creepily), and trying to figure them out. I try to discover the reasons and purposes behind things such as facial expression and gesture, clothes and appearances, words and actions at the moment, different ways in which they (maybe involuntarily) interact with different people in the meeting, etc. etc.

I know this sounds a bit cold but surely this is better than I repeatedly decline their invitations, isn't it? And my purpose is pure, I want to be more friendly. Surprisingly, it turns out that since experimenting with this technique I am actually happier than when in the old fake-engaging mode. Also the arsenal of my chit-chatting topics are expanding gloriously because of a better understanding of the persons in front of me.

Most of the times the people(their personal histories, their intentions to be here, their appearances, etc.) are more interesting than whatever their words at the moment. As an example let's consider people's wardrobe, you can ask yourself why does this guy or that lady dress like that for this particular gathering? Did they put thoughts into choosing the clothes or they didn't? If you think they did choose carefully, what were their thoughts? What does the choice say about their personalities, their views on this gathering and people here, their background, etc. What information do this pair of shoes give out about their owner? Even such a small matter can give you a lot to chew on. At least for me this is not boring stuff.

I have used this technique for a few years to a certain extent of success. I admit it's easier said than done. So when in meeting I try to split my attention into two halves, one on listening to the conversation itself(the words people are saying), the other half on studying the persons.

For anyone interested in becoming more cognizant of body language/non-verbal communication, check out Chris Hadnagy's Unmasking The Social Engineer[1]. It will make socializing or just people watching far more interesting and engaging.

[1]https://www.amazon.com/Unmasking-Social-Engineer-Element-Sec...

My coping mechanism is to try to control the conversation. If your mind is wandering because you're bored with something your friends are talking about, try to change the conversation to something more interesting. If your friends consistently want to talk about topics you don't find interesting, you should probably find new friends or at least more variety.

That's a dangerous one, too. It depends on the group, friends, yes. Absolutely. Or people who you know are with you on that and you can detect that quickly as in OK that's the kind of person whose throat I might be at on HN. Excellent. Let the games begin.

But recently started in with the questions and so on with some people who didn't want anything questioned all that much. Understandable as, frankly, it's not all that relaxing to have someone questioning you who's obviously trying to sort of challenge your beliefs and opinions. Not everyone wants to talk through or possibly think through things and I regret it a little. The problem is that these people were comfortable with a certain amount of discussion intensity but there was a line. And I crossed it. It was a little tense. Ugh.

And it's not about disagreement. I mis-characterized that a bit. It's about taking it up a notch in intensity.

It isn't that the conversation is boring - it is more similar to the sensation of not having slept for 36h and struggling to keep my eyelids open. If I was rested I'd find it easy to concentrate, and I'd probably actually find the conversation very interesting.

> Are there any introverts out there who have developed coping mechanisms

Fake it. I realised couple of years back that there are times when I am not really interested in the conversation but its rude to zone out so I pretend and act as if I am interested.

It's easier said than done. Can you fake being able to run like Usain Bolt? What about if you already run a marathon before it? Sometimes there are things you can do and there are things that are beyond you.

>It's easier said than done. Can you fake being able to run like Usain Bolt?

Fortunately, parent didn't advice to fake running like Bolt, just to fake something everybody (except a tiny minority with actual clinical issues) can do: feign interest.

True, I am exaggerating a little to get the point across, but the point stays - it's harder for some people that others, and that's not that easily controllable.

Well, most things worth doing are. Is programming itself that easy?

I couldn't agree more. Force yourself to fake it. The conversation won't last forever and you'll leave a good impression which will be a) a social benefit for you in future meetings, and b) possibly helpful to the other person (imagine if they are thinking "oh man, people usually find me so boring but this person is really listening to me"...)

@smsm42 we might not be able to run like Usain Bolt, but we are able to force ourselves to maintain concentration and pretend for a while.

I'm not sure if you're introverted to the same degree, but NO, I cannot just force myself to maintain concentration. Maybe for 30 seconds, then I'm back to staring blankly across the room until someone says my name again.

This is not something I can control. I don't enjoy it and I'm not doing it on purpose. I've used this analogy too many times on this story already, but it is like I'm horribly sleep deprived and people want me to stay awake for things that I'm utterly incapable of doing in my present state.

Faking it isn't about maintaining mental concentration. If someone is paying attention to you, then it's probably going to be obvious that you're faking it.

Thing is... most people either (a) don't know you well enough to say that you're being flakey or (b) aren't paying that much attention... the free flowing alcohol of adult-aged parties and meetings really helps with this respect.

How do you fake it without putting in concentration? Pay attention to what other people do in similar circumstances: platitudes, sounds of agreement, sticking to unspectacular and unnovel topics like weather/books/sports. I know personally, I don't even like certain sports, but after hearing 3-4 conversations about a particular team, I can regurgitate the mosaic of other peoples opinions about the team.

What should I do when 95% or more of the conversations I have are me faking interest?

I actively try to avoid acting rude whenever I can, but in the area I live, I am generally not interested in what people have to say.

It's actually rather difficult to fake interest in a conversation convincingly, at least in my personal experience. There's only so much nodding and murmured words of agreement one can do before people catch on.

Same here. If I have to interact with people I don't know well, it drains the energy, and I need to recharge after that. Sometimes happens even with people I know, and couple of times it produced a really rude behavior, for which I am very regretful, I didn't really meant to be rude but externally, it looked that way and people noticed. Because it was with friends, which forgave me, it didn't have any bad consequences, but I'd prefer not to do it again.

Unfortunately, don't have a very good recipe except trying to mostly either meet with people I have common interests or pursuits or passions and do not over-extend the interactions past the point where it begins to be taxing both parties, or just leave when I feel my "batteries" are drained enough to the point where I can't be socially adequate. Most people will accept something like "got to work early in the morning" - which also may independently be true :) - and will feel much better than with bad simulation of social behavior.

Not all people understand that some people have limits like this.

My coping mechanism involves just giving myself a quick break within the social event. Head off to the bathroom once in a while, spend some time in the stall recharging and then go back out. You don't need to leave the social function completely to recharge.

Here's an article that describes the phenomenon: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/10/121030161416.h...

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