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Comment by gc123 | Hacker News Reader

As someone who does the tech 9-5, I've found it difficult to make small talk/form deeper relationships with people outside of tech. Conversations often tend to die off after the initial "What do you do? Oh that's cool..." or "About that weather we've been having..." Any tips on expanding your network outside of tech?

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As a somewhat socially awkward guy, there is a technique I've found really helpful. The key is to get someone talking about themselves so you can quickly discover topics of conversation you are both interested in and can skip over small talk. To do this, have a few questions you can ask people that don't come off as invasive but get them to tell a story or just talk about themselves but don't come off as invasive. I like to ask people what they would take a class on or where in the world they would live if they had all their expenses paid.

My wife actually organizes events to help people practice this. If you are in San Francisco there is one happening Tuesday at 7pm: https://speedfriendingsanfrancisco.eventbrite.com/

If you email me I can answer any questions.

I think what has happened is that people have become averse to and afraid of making set, hard plans to socializing. It's always "let's exchange numbers/Facebook and get a coffee sometime." Or I'll see you around.

We know how connected we are and how easy it is, so we don't set hard plans. Better to defer the potential rejection or obligation.

If it weren't so easy to connect there'd be more pressure to just set a hard time and calendar it right?

> "let's exchange numbers/Facebook and get a coffee sometime." Or I'll see you around.

That's what people say to those they don't want to be around. If they wanted you around they'd call you.

Not true at all, throwaway. I hate talking on the phone and chatting online is my preferred way to arrange things. It's easy to send addresses and times precisely without worrying about stuff getting misheard on the phone, you can add more people to the chat if you like, etc.

Take a genuine interest in what others find passion in, and you'll find making friends is easier than you think.

A good start would be replacing "What do you do?" with "What do you love to do?" or "What are you passionate about?" :) Good luck!

I find the idea that once can just consciously decide to "take a genuine interest in" something to be entirely alien. Is this something that most people are able to do? I can direct my attention toward something, but that doesn't make boring subjects interesting.

I've found that few things that people are passionate about are truly boring, especially to curious hacker types like myself.

The difficult part is to find that part of the subject, even if it's just a kernel, that triggers the interest you potentially have. This can take a while, sometimes. Perhaps reading up on how to interview people can help in this regard (it's helped me!).

In my case, but I suspect this is true for most humans, my 'genuine interest' activates once the 'human interest' angle, to put it vaguely, starts appearing. Probably because that's easier to relate to.

I hate talking about football, for example, but I've had wonderful conversations with football fans once they started sharing personal stories of things they experienced, adventures they had, or stories of how they used to go to games with their fathers, and how this was one of the few ways in which to connect with them, etc. In the process, I learned some interesting things about football too, but that wasn't really the point for me.

Over time some of these football fans became close friends of mine. We don't talk about football much nowadays, because it's clear that I find the topic mind-numbingly boring. But we do still talk about dads, and that's very valuable.

For me, the thing that made it work was when I noticed that I could apply the same impulse that led me to spend an hour wandering on wikipedia and tvtropes. I noticed that I tended to mostly read about history, so in conversations I started to ask people thinks that would get them to tell me the story of how they got interested in something or to tell some piece of the subject's history.

You are guessing that a line of conversation will stay boring, but you don't really know. Suspension of disbelief should be easy since you don't actually know what will happen. If you are interested in good things then you can be interested in seeing whether a conversation could turn out good.

This incidentally relates to one of OP's suggestions: don't assume that you'll keep feeling the way you feel forever.

This doesn't describe the experience I was getting at. I'm talking about actual conversations that I routinely have, not hypothetical ones I'm avoiding. It usually takes very little time to get to a point where the conversation just doesn't continue; I'm not trying to end it, it just sort of runs out of steam before it gets anywhere interesting. The disconnect might be that I don't seem to get any kind of mental/emotional jolt out of social interaction per se, which seems to be unusual.

Oh, you just have to bust through that. Say something else. Ask a question about a different part of their life.

I tend to look for things I can relate to in the how or why of the hobby. Sometimes I strike upon something totally oddball that makes me ask the person many questions. It might seem like a weird tangent to the person, but it does keep the conversation going for a while. At the end of that, you've at least had that long of a conversation.

you are guessing that a line of conversation will turn out to be boring, but you don't really know. Suspension of disbelief should be easy since you don't actually know what will happen.

This incidentally relates to one of OP's suggestions: don't assume that you'll keep feeling the way you feel forever.

"You must be genuine" is a double bind. Being genuine is something that cannot be forced by coercion

Maybe you would relate to other people better if you tried to find out _why_ they they find things interesting that you find boring.

You're assuming a lot. I do try, but I usually can't maintain enough interest/engagement to even get to the point of finding out the things people find interesting (apart from sports, but that's usually more about team rivalries and player/coach gossip).

Another good one, especially if you're talking to someone you've met before but can't remember what they do for a living: "So, what's on the cards for you this year?"

Gives them scope to talk about a new role you hadn't heard about, their regular job, a holiday they're going on, renovations at home, etc.

Go dance: salsa, tango, rock'n'roll, whatever you like. If you're young, salsa or street dance may be more interesting. Dancing is connecting to people without the need to talk much.

If you really don't like to dance, try theatersport or "impro". It will help free your mind.

Big bonus: you will meet many people that are not in tech. And afterwards you go have a drink in a local bar, great moments to talk to other people.

Find hobbies that aren't related. That's been my goal this year. Been interesting so far, and met a lot of awesome people.

This is a problem when people think "they are what they do". The truth is, first and foremost you are a human being, and as such life is pretty similar for all of us.

Ask someone what their current challenges in life are?

What are they passionate about?

What are they looking forward to?

The window dressing might be different but underneath we are very much alike.

Stop asking or even answering the whole "What do you do" thing then...

Try getting into something completely different than tech. Like aggressive athletic stuff (ie MMA / boxing... not cycling where you have lots of techies) or do some improv, which can drastically improve your bullshitting skills if you can stick with it.

>Any tips on expanding your network outside of tech?

Enjoy the other person, Like a TV show.

I've made a couple of friends from playing at local vball meetup.

Smile, nod, laugh

I'm also really into film and TV, so I can connect with people on that.

Also politics - public interest lawyers love me.

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