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You will probably not be my first client :P but I love a nightmare test case.

I would love to see that spreadsheet (or a part of it with fake or no data obviously), my email is in profile, feel free to contact me.

Try Airtable.com, you might turn this into an "app" in an hour.

Wow sounds like the kind of thing patio11 touched upon in a comment about where there is a spreadsheet being banded about there is a potential saas.

Is this still an issue for you? It would be interesting to discuss a solution.

Not affiliated with them at all, but airtable (www.airtable.com) might get you there faster (basically simple database modeling using a spreadsheet metaphor).