TL;DR (I don't blame you, it's not that funny):

  Have you already established a language for your project or team?
    Yes:  Keep using that fucking language. Unless you can't accomplish your goals with your current language, you're setting back progress by starting with a new language.
    No: Are you building a mobile app?
      Yes: Are you building for Android, iOS, or both?
        Android: Looks like you're using fucking Java. Hybrid apps suck.
        iOS: Use fucking Swift. Hybrid apps suck.
        Both: Time to learn fucking Java and Swift. Hybrid apps suck, so your dumb ass needs to learn both.
      No: What the fuck are you building?
        Web app/Networked application: Is it a client-side app?
          Yes: Looks like you're stuck with fucking JavaScript you poor bastard.
          No: Are you working for an established enterprise or a startup?
            Enterprise: Just use fucking Java. No one ever got fired for choosing Java.
            Startup: Do you give a shit about concurrency?
              Yes: Do you know why you give a shit about concurrency?
                Yes: Are you into functional programming?
                  Yes: Do you need to use the Java Virtual Machine for some fucking reason?
                    Yes: Use fucking Clojure
                    No: Use fucking Rust or Elixir. I've got you this far, choose whichever one doesn't look like shit to you.
                  No: Use fucking Go.
                Not really: I didn't think so you asshole. Just use Ruby - probably with Rails - and get the fuck out of my office.
              No: Do you need static types?
                Yes: Use fucking Dart
                No: Do you want only one language in your codebase?
                  Yes: You're stuck with fucking JavaScript, but you already knew that
                  I don't care: Are you already familiar with at least one programming language?
                    Yes: Are you nostalgic for the web of the early 2000s?
                      Yes: You should probably stick with fucking PHP
                      No: Use fucking Ruby
                    No: Use fucking Python. It's easy to learn and very powerful.
        Desktop app: How fucking lazy are you?
          Really lazy: Damn it. Just use fucking Visual Basic. I hope you're proud of yourself.
          Sort of lazy: Just use fucking Java.
          I'll sleep when I die: Do it properly in some fucking dialect of C