> no more than 40 hours a week of work, not on call 24/7

I work at a startup in NYC and our culture is like that. Seems like you might want to explore the culture at other companies. There is no reason you need to kill yourself to work in tech. Work/life balance is important at many companies. It leads to longer-term employees, higher morale, better team-work etc (anecdotally speaking as I have worked for companies at all ends of the spectrum).