Streams of tears roll down my cheek as I write this because this article perfectly highlighted that it wasn't the laziness but rather what was causing it , mainly the lack of prerequisite fundamentals needed to thrive in math field. Had I known this my life trajectory would've been different instead of self loathing and inferiority complex I built up around something so innocently simple.
The rush of epiphany and self-forgiveness that overwhelms me after all these years. I realize now that learning grade school math in French and then started to learning algebra and calculus in Japanese abruptly moving to an English speaking institution to continue math degree (which i abandoned for reasons in the article i realize now ) screwed me up big time because neither French nor Japanese nor English is my first language.
For instance I would store numbers in French in my head and perform arithmetic in French but to do any sort of additional algebraic or calculus I would need to switch to Japanese internally and finally write out response in English. Learning the advanced topics in English was never going to work out, it was like building a castle on sand and the stones are made out of mud.
I always thought I was too “dumb” to understand math. During my school years, it was evident to me that for some kids math was easy, and for others like myself: painfully difficult.
This belief shadowed me for years, a constant reminder that while believe I am smart… I’m not THAT smart.
Recently, after 150 days immersed in learning math, I had a stark realization.
The struggle wasn’t because I wasn’t capable, but rather, I was simply missing a shit-ton of pre-requisite knowledge.
I wish I could show this article and translate it into other languages. There are lot of young kids in schools who tell themselves they are dumb or lazy because they can't do well in math and sciences.
God knows how many of us are walking around feeling inadequate or frustrated at ourselves because we convinced ourselves we are not worth it or capable when in reality its the prerequisites both conscious and subconscious, overt and covert we fail to realize as fundamental stepping stones to success.
It might as well be that failure in startups or business ventures or relationships even also stem from this principle: that the fundamental prerequisites were not taught or caught early on (either due to environment, upringing, socioeconomic constraints) have solidified into bad habits, bad model of world, bad model of others that ultimately transpire into bad thoughts, bad words, bad actions and opposite outcomes of what we set out to accomplish.
Going forward I must make it my mission to realize what fundamentals and prerequisites I do not have and instead of brute forcing and letting my ego ignore it, I have to put aside time to build those basic building blocks.
A cathartic angst feels deep in me. Might be too late for me due to my age and I fear I will ignore my own writing here and others will too. It's truly sad that we are all realizing it this late and will forget whatever lessons were learned. I wish society and people would stop pointing fingers at people and rather realize build tolerance from the fact that not everybody gets to build the same prerequisites as humans cannot be the same, some are innately inclined to better at certain things while others are not.
Equal outcomes is a failure in the making and schools need to stop and focus on helping students build prerequisites on their own schedule and pace.