> Saying C doesn't have functions would be more like saying Java doesn't have objects
Your point was that that state of being able to have pointers to non-first-class values was a paradox, and my point was that C manages just fine (you clearly take it as an axiom that C has pointers).
> this is the kind of mistake someone who believes "C has arrays" may make and someone who believes "C doesn't have arrays, only some syntax sugar over pointers" won't make).
Sure; what are the corresponding gotchas with believing that Java has reference types? The fact that misunderstanding something in different ways will still give you problems (just believing that arrays are pointers will give you new mistakes to make, too, like with linkage and modifying string literals) isn't a very good justification for not attempting to understand it properly.
> you're going to have to explain the importance of not calling .equals()/.hashCode()/.toString() on random Objects either way
It's an obvious implication of what the default implementations do, and how they work is trivial to understand and an obvious choice for the default implementations if you know the concepts. If you understand reference types, then no further explanation is needed.
> you don't have to teach any extra special rules to avoid ==, != or arrays or primitives - you just don't teach any of those things.
You started off talking about working Java programmers in the real world, so I thought that's what we were discussing. Real-world Java programmers will see those things; you can't even write a main function without declaring an array. What about null? You can't get away with just leaving these things out, you do have to explain them as traps.
> I don't think either of those things are true. You have a bunch of extra concepts: class instances, references, and arrays
Those things you "removed" are in Java, though. Your advice was to treat them as black magic, not to actually modify the language (working programmers will see them). Knowing what features to avoid and be careful with when you can't avoid them (and presumably how to be careful with them) are things you have to learn and carry around in your head. And, as I pointed out, your version still requires people understand what references are (if you don't know what a reference is then what the hell is pass by reference passing by?). And wait then, so yours doesn't have references, primitives, arrays, or object instances? What values do you think are left in your theoretical subset?