I understand from your comments that you have turned to some concept of God (cultural inheritance) in order to find meaning in your life. Different people find meaning in different ideas, people, projects, etc. I don't mean to belabor the point, but I think you have invested meaning in a set of writings that explicitly say that they are meaningless (or worse than harmless) unless certain key parts are historically true, and you explicitly deny the historicity of those parts.
As I have understood your situation, it's a little like a cancer patient being presented with several different options, all with varying probabilities of success and none with any guarantee. After much research and deliberation, the patient knowingly chooses the placebo option. There are obviously some benefits to the placebo option; it just seems that most people in that situation wouldn't choose that option. If you're interested in talking more synchronously, I can be reached via contact information in my profile.