Ask HN: What are your best “soft skill” resources? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: What are your best “soft skill” resources?

164 pointsacconrad66 comments

I'm at this point in my career where I'm in a good groove improving my technical skills, but I'm starting to require more and more time into my softer skills (communication, negotiation, persuation, et al). What are your favorite resources (classes, websites, books, blogs) that you use to develop those skills?

View on HN

Always a risk to self-promote, but last month our team launched our Compass Platform - Behavioral Indicators and associated support to help business founders and leadership teams in private enterprise [1].

I've found these are more balanced, so work better than tools like DISC and Myers-Briggs, which tend to 'put people into a box' and therefore work against creating an inclusive environment.

The four soft skills these tools help me understand with my clients and prospective clients are Communication, Attitude to Risk, Role Preference (Entrepreneur Leader Manager), and Natural Pace (what pg calls Makers v Managers).

I've obviously done some training on these, and nowadays deliver (mostly internal company) training on them as well. The website and online tests are a great starting point - having an understanding of a potential client or recruit's Risk profile, for example, makes it so much easier to connect with them and explain a value proposition.

[1] http://www.shirlawscompass.com/

Parent was downvoted with no comment, didn't seem unusually spammy so I at least upvoted it again.

I notice that even after my upvote it hadn't crossed 0 so it seems it wasn't a single downvote.

People: If you downvote others for non-obvious reasons, please leave a note on why.

Yes, got a couple of early downvotes likely due to the self-referencing answer. I don't worry - unless there is some specific feedback or criticism shared, it normally balances back out in the end.

...having an understanding of a potential client or recruit's Risk profile, for example, makes it so much easier to connect with them and explain a value proposition...

Maybe I'm not getting this, but I can't think of a reason why I'd supply someone with information to help them deliver a sales pitch or to negotiate with me.

Good point. I'm a business coach/consultant, so my clients provide this information because it also helps enormously with understanding why they are doing what they do as business leaders. It's slightly deeper than providing your email address (hello sales emails) for an ebook (which is worth it).

To the OP's point, however, being aware of these skills and your own preferences makes it easier to assess others you meet. If you know the Risk Profile for you and your team, you may be able to judge in a negotiation that the other party chases returns but abhors volatility and adjust your approach accordingly.

Depends on how this is done. An objective framework to work in can help a lot, in which case supplying information does help, but selective disclosure can be dangerous.

Reading your website now. All the more exposure, all the more to learn.

I do disagree with your assessment of Myers-Briggs and DiSC, however; perhaps that's because of my exposure to them differs:

I've always seen Myers-Briggs as an example of self-discovery, rather than putting others into a box. i.e. "Are you aware you do these things?" with the answer often "No" or "Actually, I thought I was the opposite." My first company did it for everyone in the on-boarding 2 weeks training/induction period. It was useful for self reflection.

DiSC: Every training I've been exposed to started really clearly with a line like "This is a tool for understanding people and their environment. Your home and work environment, for example, are probably different, and so is your communication in these environments. Likewise, your work environment changes over time and role. DiSC types are not about putting people into a box, and people are not a single type, but a combination of types with stronger weightings in some areas."

Myers-Briggs is totally ascientific and could be thought of as self-discovery in the same sense reading tea leaves is.

Myers-Briggs has been repeatedly found to have no reliability or validity as a personality trait assessment and has been totally superseded in psychology research by the OCEAN metrics, which are empirically developed.

Ironically, the only place I still see MBTI used is in computer science papers.

You might try Toastmasters. Once you get past the first few "nervousness" lessons they focus on how to convey meaning with speech. Every chapter is different, so YMMV. Several of the speeches you have to prepare cover persuasion, motivation, and how to structure a speech so that everyone remembers exactly what you want them to remember. They teach through having you give a series of 5-7 minute speeches, but I've found the practice helpful beyond giving a formal talk.

I second Toastmasters. They took me from a shy undergraduate who had panic attacks the night before speaking in front of a class and turned me into someone who genuinely loves public speaking and hasn't used notes to speak in over a decade!!

There are two caveats to Toastmasters:

- each chapter is different. I have now belonged to three and loved two. The third chapter was my personal hell of realtors and financial managers who were trolling for clients. My self promotion allergy was way too active...

- you get exactly what you put into TM. I know a guy who started in the same chapter at the same time as me. I spoke every chance that I could get and improved quickly. He was never willing to truly embarrass himself, rarely spoke and got next to nothing out of the organization.

I just finished The Charisma Myth:

http://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Science-Personal-Magneti...

On audio book and immediately bought a physical copy. The book is filled with tips and tricks to increase your charisma that can be applied right away.

Seconding. I found it an invaluable read, as well. It dispels quite a few invisible myths.

Great book, author stopped by Stanford entrepreneurship class so you can watch her talk here http://ecorner.stanford.edu/authorMaterialInfo.html?mid=3005

What helped me was going full-time digital nomad for the last 2 years.

Mostly out of my desire to see specific places, I ended up going to cities very far away from all of my existing contacts and acquaintances. Getting incredibly lonely in a foreign city where I don't speak the language and have no friends or coworkers, I was forced out into the wild to get to know people through any means possible. It was important for me to learn to connect quickly and deeply with people to have meaningful relationships fast enough to provide me any value before I moved on from that city to the next (about 2-3 months).

I was terrible at it for the first 2 cities I went to, but by the 5th I was surprising myself.

Empathy

The book Search Inside Yourself by Chade-Meng Tan the best book I know. It describes scientifically studied exercises of the mind that you can do by yourself. It will boost your empathy much higher than anything I've experienced (or read about on Sciencedaily). It explains the science too and you can look it up. One thing though, reading the book is part 1, part 2 is performing the exercises. If you won't perform the exercises, then reading the book has not much of a purpose.

In my experience, I got to amazing levels of empathy by doing these exercises. I felt like I had godlike skills. My intuition could immediately signal me if a woman liked me (first time ever in my life). Two months later I was in a relationship. I could spot feelings that my friends had that they were not aware of.

There are some caveats though, which goes for any book that will be presented here. The moment I stopped practicing, my level got down a bit above baseline before I started. So most structural gains are hard to keep, which goes for any trained skill. Another downside is that everything you see has a bigger impact on you. So when you'd go to an action movie, you'd feel like you're right in it. When you look at a rose you feel like you're a rose, that sort of thing. When you drink one sip of alcohol you feel the effect of it already on your perception in very subtle ways (that might be a good thing though).

Some final thoughts: I believe books train deliberation aka the slow system. Exercises, mental or physical, train the fast system. Checkout Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman. I believe it's a useful approximation to how thinking works. Also, while empathy is a big component in becoming better, it's not the only component.

"Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg was very helpful for me. A great resource about choice of words and the internal assumptions we make when we communicate in certain ways. http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-A-Language-Li...

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie should be required reading for anyone who interacts with human beings.

This book has been mentioned to me at least a dozen times. For some reason, your comment is the one that just pushed me over the edge to buy it :)

I'm posting this just because it's been recommended so often to me there must be something to it.

Yeah, the book is impressive. It will teach you how to become likeable by most people, and that is something you definitely need if you want to become a manager or any kind of leader, or just if you have to deal with people on your job, even if it's just your boss and coworkers.

Its a really nice book. In fact, I am gonna read it again after seeing your comment!

For me that tipping point was when I came across this:

>The one book we encourage startup founders to read is Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People. It's critically important for anyone in business.

http://www.paulgraham.com/startupfaq.html

It's a valuable book, despite it's name. My tipping point was a Warren Buffett interview, where he mentioned how it influenced his early life.

What actually helped me was to get married - it's the best training in soft skills that you can get.

I actually wrote a book, specifically to teach "soft skills" to software developers.

In fact, my whole life and business is dedicated to that aim.

Soft Skills: The Software Developer's Life Manual (http://simpleprogrammer.com/softskills)

Do some volunteer work, it looks good on your resume, it does some good in the world, and it improves your soft skills because it takes you out of your grove and sticks you in a new, non-threatening situation (hopefully). Plus, most volunteer events have mentors that will teach you how to deal with people. Do something simple, do not go overboard, and listen to how the professionals there deal with people.

I recommend "Soft Skills: A software developer's life manual" by John Sonmez

http://www.manning.com/sonmez/

I own / read parts of that book. I found it lacking on advice about working within a company, there were two chapters on working within a company and then it dives into quitting your job and working on your brand.

Are there any other recommendations that have more information on working within a company?

1) Tactical Office Politics

http://www.manager-tools.com/2013/04/politics-101-chapter-3-...

http://www.manager-tools.com/2013/05/politics-101-chapter-3-...

"This guidance probably should have been Chapter 1 of our Politics 101 series. It’s foundational. It’s a HUGE problem for many professionals, particularly young – and dare we say it, naïve – professionals. So many young people say, “I don’t ‘play politics.’” The more savvy folks around them think, that’s good, because this isn’t a ‘game’ you can ‘play.’ "

2) Improve human memory, reduce dependence on high-latency offboard storage (paper, web)

http://mt.artofmemory.com/wiki/Main_Page

3) GTD for Hackers, https://gtdfh.branchable.com

4) The language of organizational models/patterns. The book "Key Management Models" has a good overview, http://www.google.com/search?q=key%20management%20models. The 3rd edition has 75 org models which help when designing the model de jour.

5) Richard Hamming, "You and Your Research", 1986, http://www.cs.virginia.edu/~robins/YouAndYourResearch.html

"One of the characteristics of successful scientists is having courage. Once you get your courage up and believe that you can do important problems, then you can. If you think you can't, almost surely you are not going to. Courage is one of the things that Shannon had supremely. You have only to think of his major theorem. He wants to create a method of coding, but he doesn't know what to do so he makes a random code. Then he is stuck. And then he asks the impossible question, `What would the average random code do?' He then proves that the average code is arbitrarily good, and that therefore there must be at least one good code. Who but a man of infinite courage could have dared to think those thoughts? That is the characteristic of great scientists; they have courage. They will go forward under incredible circumstances;"

>’” The more savvy folks around them think, that’s good, because this isn’t a ‘game’ you can ‘play.’ "

Politics strikes me as something very atavistic. I avoid people who play politics at all costs - I simply can't imagine anything good coming from them.

Recognizing such people is itself a skill, which can be learned.

Unfortunately, as Pericles said, "Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you." (Sometimes also attributed to Trotsky)

how to win friends and influence people - Dale Carnegie.

Some employers will pay for the expensive but worthwhile Dale Carnegie course, which is delivered in major cities.

The title of the book put me off, but it worthwhile to read. Some of the stuff seems basic, but we all (speaking as a developer) had to learn the basics of computer programming, too.

About to say the same thing. I resisted a couple of times. Just wished that they did not pick a title comes across as manuscript for snake oil selling.

The basic and obvious stuff needs to be spelled out as it solidified the concepts.

I'm surprised by the lack of philosophy writings mentioned here.

I'm averse to sociopathic and manipulative teachings such as my book-by-its-cover judgement of "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and the like.

Instead, I began my journey several years ago reading through "Mindfulness in Plain English" by Guranatana. More recently I began frequenting the Farnam Street blog, being turned onto reading "The Obstacle is the Way," by Ryan Holiday, which lead me to "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius, and I'll be picking up "Letters from a Stoic" as soon as I'm done with "The Kingdom of God Is Within You" by Tolstoy (having never read Tolstoy's non-fiction writing previous to "A Letter to a Hindu," which was posted to Hacker News a few weeks ago).

I would say that the most powerful book I've read is Meditations. The perspective the book holds is that you are a person, and people are pre-wired to do good for society and for other people (as entities); that this is innate in you, and you MUST use this to do good. It is a book focused on resilience in the face of circumstances, people and things that people do that aren't good.

I second this. Focusing on good teachings such as "Meditations" is simply a good way to live life, and the rest follows. Related to "Meditations" is "The Art of Living" which is a collection of teachings from Epictetus. Epictetus was Marcus Aurelius' teacher. It's collected in such a way that each page makes a point that you can think about for the rest of the day and try to apply it - like a devotional.

Best way, is to actually put yourself in a situation where you have to live the skills you're trying to get better at. i.e. I'd suggest you work a short (part-time) side stint in Sales or Customer support or Recruiting, especially under a seasoned manager and sincerely carry a quota. The pressure of actually closing that deal will improve you at a rate nothing else will.

Books and everything else will definitely help, but I'd treat them as supplemental resources. You don't get good at soccer by reading about it. You got to play it. You don't get good at coding by reading about coding; you have to actually write code.

Not saying you meant that you only want to read in order to get better and nothing else, but just trying to draw attention that getting better at soft skills is also about actual practice, like anything else.

[Me: http://InterviewKickstart.com. We practice for tech interviews, and we get better at those too]

Came here to say the same thing. It's one thing to read a book, it's quite another to handle objections on the fly with an argumentative customer standing in front of you.

I had a buddy who was terrified to do presentations and was very socially awkward. He finally decided in order to overcome these issues, he started a side company and created a small app that he wanted to sell. He literally forced himself to cold call people in order to get more comfortable interacting with clients. Then he would try and set up meetings where he would have to present his idea to the clients.

It was a very elaborate way for him to overcome his fears and get comfortable being in front of people and selling people on his product. It wasn't easy, but the one thing he had going for him was determination to do it in order to learn some very valuable skills.

Made to Stick, by Chip and Dan Heath [1]. They ask "how is it that certain ideas seem to stick our minds better than others?", and give concrete advice on how to improve the stickiness of your own ideas. I've found it useful to avoid forgettable business waffle that fails to change people's minds nor behaviour. One of the many examples they give is of Nordstrom (a fashion retailer). They could have said "we want to delight our customers". Instead, they use stories of employees that embodied those principles: ironing a shirt for a customer that needed it that afternoon, refunding tyre chains even though Nordstrom doesn't sell tyre chains.

[1] http://www.amazon.co.uk/Made-Stick-ideas-others-unstuck-x/dp...

Harvard's Program on Negotiation.

'Any meeting, discussion, or human contact, is basically a negotiation.' is their stance, with a real emphasis on role play. Position vs. Interest, Group vs. 1-1, etc.

The role play exercises can be downloaded from http://www.pon.harvard.edu/store/ * Free for checking / testing with detailed notes for the trainer / post-exercise * Low price for use (around $3 dollars/copy licensed use - super low for what they bring)

What do they bring? Really accelerated understanding of behavior (yours and theirs) in any interaction you have. This is be done via role-play and reflection, not a reading and 'know it' resource, so download a few and play them with colleagues.

1. Career Tools and Manager Tools podcasts. Career advice, interviewing help, resume-building, team interactions, navigating office life/culture, salary negotiation, having your voice heard, and many other topics discussed in a friendly and approachable way. I listen every week. https://www.manager-tools.com/

2. "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" isn't just for talking to children. Some good advice in here that applies to talking with adults also. http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/145166388...

Related, "How to Speak How to Listen" by Mortimer Adler, http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/169928.How_to_Speak_How_t...

Also, Alan Watts http://www.openculture.com/2014/01/the-zen-teachings-of-alan...

Toastmasters is a phenomenal resource for improving one's public speaking and improvisation skills.

I have many many recommendations. Here are a few of what I've experienced and practiced:

https://www.neuroleadership.com/education/bbc/brain-based-co... Training -- Brain-Based Conversation Skills

http://www.quietleadership.com/index Book -- Quiet Leadership

http://www.centerforappreciativeinquiry.net/ Training -- Appreciative Inquiry

http://www.amazon.com/Appreciative-Inquiry-Positive-Revoluti... Book -- Appreciative Inquiry: A Positive Revolution in Change

http://aliainstitute.org/ Authentic Leadership in Action Institute (Buddhist foundation)

http://shambhala.org/ The path of meditation focused on creating "enlightened society." Starts with where most of the issue is: your own mind.

Let me second the appreciative inquiry stuff. As a programmer, I'm used to looking for problems so I can fix them. But I wasn't nearly as good at consciously appreciating what was working well. It has been a big help in improving how I work with people.

For negotiation, I can recommend: Getting More, http://www.amazon.com/Getting-More-Negotiate-Succeed-Work/dp...

The author, Stuart Diamond, gives workshops at my company. I was able to attend one early at my tenure there and the book and workshop helped me understand how to use negotiation to get what I want.

From my point of view, it boils down to communication and self awareness. Nonviolent Communication that was mentioned before is a great book.

Also, I found that the Pathwise Leadership Program (http://pathwisemanagement.com/) has helped me a great deal in knowing myself and finding out how to frame your communication in the best way possible.

I urge technical people to explore non-technical subjects and general "well roundedness". I've gotten immense relaxation and satisfaction from community art classes, martial arts, yoga, etc. There's a powerful argument that technical work is inherently creative, but creative work without the technical is something else entirely.

I also urge technical people to study history, language, speech, public performance and public speech giving. All of those things give a sense of perspective, and abilities to confer with partners and customers on a level that most technical folks don't understand.

Public performance in particular enables one to overcome lots of fears and be able to talk in front of both crowds and executives. This capability is often rewarded in important ways that build one's career...and the only way to get good at it is to do it.

Negotiation: http://www.negotiationgenius.com/

Networking: http://keithferrazzi.com/products/never-eat-alone/

"The Art Of Charm" podcast has some great episodes about that stuff. Check out some of these: http://theartofcharm.com/best/

Dale Carnegie's book is the obvious choice. However, Lifetime Conversation Guide by Van Fleet had a ton of specific stuff tailored to different situations. Stumbled upon it in a thrift store and bought it because of its thoroughness along with giving me a few good ideas.

http://www.amazon.com/Lifetime-Conversation-Guide-James-Flee...

My two go-to books on the subject, very complementary to each other, are:

- The charisma myth: http://www.amazon.com/The-Charisma-Myth-Personal-Magnetism/d...

- Make your contacts count: http://www.amazon.com/Make-Your-Contacts-Count-Networking/dp...

I've found the best is a combination of being social and spending a good amount of time reading. If you're looking for books, take a look at The Great Books of the Western World.

They're not soft skill. They're really fucking hard skills: https://vimeo.com/134601419

Pretty much the entire Jerry Weinberg canon, but 'Becoming A Technical Leader', and 'Secrets of Consulting' are two excellent places to start.

Just want to vigorously agree with the recommendation of "Becoming a Technical Leader".

That's even if you don't think a leader is what you want to become. One of the earliest points he makes is that leadership is something you do, not something you are - and if you're trying to persuade people, that's a leadership behaviour.

The book of Proverbs in the Bible. I'm amazed at how useful these brief, to-the-point and very practical advice have been in my life, time after time.

While being very (sometimes almost humoristically) concrete, I have figured that there are great principles there in behind, that you'll get committed into your spine, by testing these advice out in practice.

Soft Skill by John Sonmez (published by MAnning)

Although written as the "Software Developer's Life Manual" the lessons taught in this book is universal to all careers.

I really wish I had this manual 21 years when I started out on my career. It would have been a great guideline in stead of lessons learned the hard way.

"What are your favorite resources that you use to develop those skills?"

Non verbals, body language skills ~ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher

What do you want to achieve with soft skill. If to help you develop better software. I think always ask detail question about business, user requirements. Able to break down large business case to smaller ones. Write better comments about your code, should be enough.

There are many soft-skill and career courses on pluralsight http://www.pluralsight.com/search/?searchTerm=career

(yes, some of them are mine)

Not a resource, so much as a technique, but I've just been baffled to find myself moving slightly into management, and my new mantra, whenever I'm not absolutely positive what I should be saying is: listen.

RSD Blueprint by Tyler. Really life-changing stuff.

http://changingminds.org/

Wiki-style collection of this stuff.

Wow. This is an incredible database with a lot of interesting things. Thanks for sharing!

Reply on news.ycombinator.com