No Bad Things: Growing up with obsessive-compulsive disorder

I have OCD as well (though not as bad as the author — no long routines for me), and I tend to believe that it has more or less rewritten the way I think. I no longer think in complete sentences; any concrete idea that shows up in my head is a potential target for the OCD monkey. Instead, I tend to think in word clouds, sort of, as well as more impressionistic images. I have to always focus on keeping my mind blank; there's simply no room for meandering thoughts. In a strange way, I don't mind it; I think it's actually boosted my creativity quite a bit, even if it's at the expense of more linear, rational thought.

The "psyche hack" rings so, so true. One of mine is, oddly enough, the buzzsaws from Half-Life 2. (Probably because I started to defend myself psychologically against OCD around the time when that game came out.) Whenever a I get an obsession/compulsion, I imagine a stack of those buzzsaws falling to one side of my body and taking the "weight" of the compulsion with them. I can add more buzzsaws to the stack to speed up this process. However, if the compulsion turns out to be too strong, the buzzsaws can turn into a obsession/compulsion in and of themselves, and then I have to spend a few minutes or seconds "grabbing hold" of them in my head. Fortunately, I have not yet had a need to create a new psyche hack to counteract this; it seems the buck stops at the saws.

80% of the time my OCD does not bother me, but I think that's because I've basically internalized a whole bunch of "psyche hacks" and unconsiously use them continuously throughout the day. Sometimes I wonder if I can train my mind to avoid the obsession/compulsions altogether; depending on the day, and especially if I've gotten a lot of rest, I can clear my mind and be free for a little bit. But it doesn't really last. (On the other hand, when my mind is completely immersed in another task — when I don't have time to think — I rarely go into OCD mode. It also doesn't happen in my dreams.)

I'd really like to write an article like this one at some point, because I think OCD can really illuminate the way we think — particularly in regards to the way we form connections between ideas. In OCD, this mechanism is a bit out of control and tries to grab onto anything it can find. The strange, insane, recursive leaps of logic that result from this have a terrifying poetic beauty to them. It's a very visceral disease; I imagine that few people can describe their specific thought processes as easily and vividly as those who have OCD.

What a weird disorder.

I tried to gloss over parts of the story, lest I add another compulsion to my list of OCD habits, but I ended up reading them anyway. I hope none of them bleed into my own OCD compulsions. OCD is terrible, it doesn't make any sense to me as much as I've tried to understand it. I know the things I do are completely irrational yet I still do them anyway.

I got hope from the telling that the compulsions can wane over time but I'm fearful they can come back even stronger. I did, however, learn something new in that my OCD did not begin when I first though it began (sometime in 2004 when I first thought something was wrong), but 14 years earlier when I was age 10 and had to sleep with my covers tucked underneath me (to prevent the spiders under my bed from getting at me). Maybe this will help in therapy..

If you have a child with OCD, or know someone who does, I really recommend this book: http://www.dawnhuebnerphd.com/OvercomingOCD.aspx (No affiliation with author!) It takes a cognitive behavioural psychology approach, and is written in quite a child friendly way which works pretty well to defuse a lot of stuff that can get wrapped up with OCD. For example, OCD is very much about fear and fear about the fact that you are basically going insane can compound the whole thing, so just talking about and understanding what is going on can help a lot. (For a child with OCD, it's actually helpful to have a book which is a bit 'childish', i.e. targetted at a younger age group.) Also, it's a good thing to be aware of as a parent, and to watch out for if your child is taking a long time to get to bed, or whatever. If you have a child with OCD it's really good to catch this and do something to help them with it, if possible, before puberty, when a bunch of other stuff can basically bundle on top..

> Five was the ultimate number,

I have OCD as well, and this jumped out at me. That's my ultimate number as well! I actually talked about this in a presentation [1, slide 8] and explain my reasoning, but the reasoning in the article also resonates with me. Even is good because it provides balance, but 5 is the exception to the even rule because it still provides an even more elegant balance.

[1] http://www.slideshare.net/jasonlotito/getting-things-done-44...

If you're in England: you can get free treatment for OCD. Waiting times vary across the country. Please do use the complaints process if you feel disattisfied with the process - it's a valuable source of information, although it doesn't always feel like a useful thing.

To get treatment you could see your GP and say, clearly and firmly, something like "I think I have OCD. Here are my symptoms. I want to try a talking therapy. Please refer me to the local talking therapies service".

Or you can search for your county name and words like "IAPT" (improved access to psychological therapies) or "cognitive behaviour therapy".

You could also get a private therapist. Downsides are cost (about £25 to £50 per session, each session about an hour, should be less than 14 sessions needed) and therapists can't prescribe meds which might be useful in some cases. Look for BACP registration - they're somewhat reputable.

You should expect this level of care: https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg31

I know a few people who had OCD and it surprised me how debilitating it can be. Really interfered with their day to day life.

I've had ocd for 33 years (I'm 43). I always thought I could tame it...eventually. It's as bad now as it's ever been. I live with it. I perform constant, ludicrous rituals. I'm thankful that my SO puts up with me. It can make me a cranky, distracted sonofabitch. I try to hide it from my son. I'm not always successful. He hasn't asked me why I do weird shit like walk in and out of a room multiple times but I suspect he will. What can I say? That I know better but I can't find the will to overcome it? The best book I've read on the subject so far is The Mind and the Brain: Neuroplasticity and the Power of Mental Force by Jeffrey Schwartz.

My SO has OCD, she's not seriously impaired, but enough and in a way that has serious consequences on our relation.

She did not talk about it as soon as she couldn't restrain herself in my presence, and then she progressively introduced all her compulsion of everyday. I don't mind it much by itself, but it brings serious interference between us. Beside the bearable fact that it's slightly annoying to see someone having short but unexplainable behavior in your presence, sometimes I have to repeat myself because she can't understand what I'm telling her while she's in the middle of a compulsion, or sometimes she's blocking my way, and won't acknowledge my presence to let me get through. It's often hard to accept that my immediate existence as a human being has a lower priority in her brain than her irrational compulsions. It sometimes drifts into a feeling of betrayal, since she never talked about it before we were committed to each other. I don't blame her, she was very ashamed and genuinely though she could temper her compulsions for me.

The other problem is that I can't talk too much about it, since she can't help it, she always at risk to build up more guilt, and with no possible release, ends up with more stress. And for someone with OCD, more risks of irrational fears and then compulsions. Vicious circle.

I had a lot of thoughts on the subject, and to me OCD really looks like a dissonance on processing reality, and control of it. To me anxiety is mostly a feeling to push the brain into anticipation of the future, a stimulation of intelligence to solve problems like having a safe shelter or ensuring food provisions for the days to come, to control the environment. This requires to understand your environment, and trust this understanding to feel safe and stop anxiety. My theory is that people with OCD have difficulties to feel that safety, and combined with some anxiety they have the urge to interact with their environment to satisfy the brain with its need of control of the environment. But since there is nothing to do for immediate safety and control, something totally irrational is built from the ground up, for the sole purpose of doing something, and satisfy the brain.

Wow. Aside, obviously, from the details, this was exactly my experience as a kid; the precise set of rituals, the exhausting time taken, and the need for a restart if there were any interruptions.

I was never diagnosed with OCD at the time, and in fact it was only as an adult that I heard of the disorder - something of a damascene moment. Instead I was put through a kind of Freudian analysis to dig out some mystical "underlying problem"; pure quackery that still angers me to this day.

I'd like to believe that nowadays the disorder is broadly enough understood that sufferers, especially children, are given the therapy and management techniques that were denied me.