Ask HN: My mom is lonely and sick. What can she do to pass the time? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: My mom is lonely and sick. What can she do to pass the time?

6 pointsokjbro8 comments

Hi HN, throwaway here for privacy reasons.

My mom is ill. At home is my father who she hasn't exactly bonded with in 25 years, my sister who is about to go off to college, and my brother who is otherwise useless.

My mom loves to talk on the phone, smoke her cigarettes, and take her pain pills (don't get me started). She is very likeable but she's a suburban woman whose friends are all working during the day, and then in the evening they're at home with their families.

She is an incredibly, incredibly intelligent woman, with a brain unlike any other. She worked for the government before she became a housewife and stay-at-home mom. She hasn't worked in 22 years, but when she did, she was making six-figures (and earning it, despite the mostly-valid government job jokes.)

She isn't tech savvy but she's capable of looking up recipes, manipulating the Google, answering emails, stuff like that.

What is something I can put in front of her to stimulate her?

I thought about something like MTurk, but the idea of her time being worth pennies will only turn her off.

Thanks :)

While I don't have great advice to solve this, I'd like to point out a few things:

1. Don't project your desires on to her. You said she likes to talk on the phone, keeping in touch might be her favorite thing. Whereas something you value like some game/tech/hobby means very little to her. Talk openly with her about what she values in life and that's the best guide to what she can do for enjoyment.

2. People have to want to get out there themselves, they can and should have help, but ultimately it should be their desire. I'd say have a frank talk about her if getting out and meeting people is something she even wants (if she's not too sick to do so). Perhaps she's more interested in deepening her existing relationships.

3. Try various things, maybe it's hiking one week or for some months, maybe after that it's gardening or some classes. Maybe it's caring for a pet, there's just no way to know without trying some things. Finally it might be that a support group for her illness is best, perhaps it takes up most of her mental energy and sharing those concerns would lighten her up.

4. Talk to her. Open frank communication might take time, but I have a feeling it'll get the best results.

I know a lot of older folks that are very active in Second Life, find a good community and you can find lots of folk to connect with. If you get a creative community there are in-world building and graphics classes, games, events, exploration, and other pass-times. One of the best communities SL I know of is Raglan Shire, tiny AV community, no sex, violence stuff or anything like that, fun and very active. Second Life would take too much to explain, best to visit it Raglan Shire has a webpage it's http://www.raglanshire.com

Otherwise if you are in suburban area I bet there are a bunch of community groups, either to participate or volunteer in. The local senior centrer is a good start, either to work there or find out about other local groups... Library too.

My mom used to be alone when my brother and i grew up and started working toward our careers.She didn't like that so joined a community singing class and a yoga class . Met new people in and around our vicinity who share her passion. They have regular meetups where everyone sings on the karaoke and works on self improving their singing. She's happy. More social than my brother and I now. Really glad it worked out.

Maybe ask some girl gamers of something they think would appeal to your mom ?

https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlGamers/ ?

Caring for others can bring joy and happiness. Look for a way she can donate her time for a good cause. Working for free beats working for pennies :)

Would she be interested in volunteer work? I've found that volunteering and giving your time to help someone else really helps.

Maybe some hobby ?

I was looking on how to make stuff with leather and it seems interesting...

There are several online community that try to teach.

I also have useless / frustrating family members.

1. You can't expect changers on the internet to have sensitivity to family situations.

2. You can't control other people - it will just lead to heartache.

You need to make yourself self-sufficient and learn to separate yourself from irresponsible people. The truth is in this world we're all out for ourselves.

> What is something I can put in front of her to stimulate her?

Find something stimulating that's not the internet / smart phones.

A game? A karma system? Until she does something stupid? Until she tries to gain validation and finds out the internet laughs at her? And it hurts both of your feelings?

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