Which is why I'm proposing that somebody creating one might get some traction, after all...
"C's main claim to fame is being "an HLL" (in the classical sense) but still being able to do essentially everything Assembly does."
And I discussed at length the things that assembly can do today that C can not, without callouts to assembler. I mean, I know the party line, I've heard it for like twenty years now, and my entire point is that it's not true anymore. C is not a "high level assembler" for a 2015 machine. It's a high-level assembler for a PDP-11. Which is still useful enough, thanks to backwards compatibility, but it's high time for it to get out of the way and stop being "the high level assembler", just like it's high time for it to get out of the way and stop being "the systems language".