Goodbye?
I'm at a crossroad. I either kill myself or I find some kind of way out of here. No matter the choice, thank you HN. So far, you've been the cornerstone of my life.
The general feeling afterwards was that my perception of reality had been totally limited to the issues in front of me, and that life was bigger than just that.
For me, it's a process of learning to distrust my negative emotions. Afterwards they always seem unfounded.
I don't know anything but your situation but, based on my own experience and that of others, my advice is to take it easy, slow down and dial back your expectations about whatever is that you have/had high expectations. That will clear your mind and you'll be able to see better soon.
There is a practical exercise I do while driving. As almost everybody else, I don't like to stay behind slow/unsure drivers and that gets me really stressed. While I'm stressed, I try to think "I do not want to be in front of this driver, the few seconds this will get me will not be worth the amount of trouble I'm having (or will have)." I'm essentially trying to remove that desire from the situation, then everything is okay and life moves on.
Relax, take it easy, it'll pass and you'll learn. My best regards.
This is very important.
OP, take a step back and focus on this.
This alone.
This, it has been the similar case with me. I really thought that my life is completely ruined, with no chance of saving myself. People I trusted told me how fucked my future is if I don't do anything to fix it. They called me a monster for doing things they don't expect anyone doing. My parents believed that they must have fucked up my upbringing somehow.
So I spent my last day, said good bye to all my friends. Had my last lunch, and then went to kitchen to end it all. In my head I have clear memory of everything until the moment I picked up the knife. After that, I don't really remember much, but I didn't do anything.
It would be hard to believe but I was in sixth grade when this happened, and all the stuff I was talking about were my grades(and the monster thing was my parents caught my masturbating).
Years down the road, when I got my first beej, I looked back and realized man I am so glad that I didn't kill myself, and if it ever comes down to another moment like that, there's no way I am ever killing myself.
Lol, ok so I am sure the adult me's rationalizations for living life are a lot different than that of a horny 18yr old's. I maybe embarrassed to think that there was a time when I thought life is worth living, if only it means I could get laid once more, but I am not ashamed of it. However, I am ashamed of thinking that life isn't worth living when I thought bad grades meant end of my life.
These days, I use a simple trick or process whenever I continuously revaluate my life. Everytime I see someone with my background or someone I can connect with, get into deep shit, I put myself in their shoes and think "if I was Ross Ulbricht, would I not think that life is worth living?", "What reason would I have to live if I got sentenced as much as Aaron Schwartz was facing?", "What if I was trapped on WTC buildings, with smoke coming out of everywhere, would I jump?", "What if I had inoperable cancer and I was gonna die within next few months?".
It is one of the most cathartic measures you can take. Every single time when I think of myself in the shoes of these people, I realize that I wouldn't kill myself no matter what. I would write books from prison, communicate with the rest of the world through letters, if I ever went there for doing things like Aaron Schwartz or Ross Ulbricht. If death seemed close then I would take those last moments of my life and all the moments which gave me pleasure, I will go through all the cherished memories instead of taking the quicker way out.
I don't know what you're going through, but the sheer fact that you made this post means you would wanna read the comments in this thread before you quit. You made a throwaway because you don't want people to infer your real identity or judge you while you're alive. I also know that other comments which simply say "call hotline" would barely convince you to call the hotline. You made a post on HN, this IS your hotline. Telling a HNer to call suicide hotline is like telling a Linux user to call tech support line.
BUT, here's one suggestion I can make. If you do call hotline or make more posts or talk to other people, you will get the same pleasure as you did while reading responses of this thread, except you can talk in more detail with them and be more specific. I promise you that it would be more fun than this thread.
I don't know your situation and I don't know what you're going through and I can only imagine the pain you feel right now. The funny thing about life is you never realize how much you were loved until you're laying in your casket. I only say this because I am one of three and both of my siblings have passed at their own hands. My eldest brother battled demons unknown to us and took his own life and my youngest brother was bipolar and self-medicated to deal with it and accidentally overdosed. I know this may not seem important at the time but so many people loved them and they probably never realized and I'm sure their are a lot of people that love you.
It is your choice and like I said I don't know what you're going through, suicide isn't right or wrong, it just is, but it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please don't do this. I'm listing my email below, If you see this and would be up for talking I would love to. I can give you my phone number as well if you'd prefer the phone or if you're close to me we can go get some coffee. Hang in there.
dave.jdough [at] gmail [.com]
If you want someone else to talk to, you can reach me at mikestimpson [at] yahoo [dot] com. Be aware, however, that I don't always check e-mail every day on that account. If you don't get a reply right away, don't take it as rejection or as a sign that you're worthless. You're not - I'm just bad at promptness.
You're making the first step in the right direction. Seeking help. To be cliche, it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Life sucks a lot sometimes. And sometimes we need help to get through the worst of it. But keep fighting. You're worth it.
Get in contact with someone: http://www.befrienders.org/need-to-talk
And if you feel like it tell us what's up.
There is always a way out without killing yourself. Whatever the other path is, however emotionally difficult it may seem, is better than killing yourself. Talk about what you're feeling, call a hotline now. It gets better I promise. If you have anyone in your life, think about how it will make them feel to lose you, don't put them through it.
If you're in the US (or even if not if the 800 system works everywhere I think) don't hesitate to call right now and talk to someone who is ready to hear you.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number 1-800-273-8255
Here are several other countries hotlines if you're somewhere else or feel more comfortable sharing how you feel in another language.
First, and most importantly, if you're _very_ depressed you may need help to break through the veil of darkness that's surrounding you. Peace and happiness are still in this world and their seeds are still in your heart, but depression is system of barriers that you may need very real and tangible help to break through. Sometimes our minds malfunction a little bit, it's in their nature.
If you love HN maybe check out the vlogbros 3 minute talk on perspective and depression[0]. It's the nerdiest account of depression I've ever heard. They also have a crash course on psychology[1] which might make psychology less unknown and therefore less scary if that's maybe a reason you're turning to us instead of a psychologist who is probably better equipped to help you (I'm only guessing based on reasons I don't go to the doctor when I need to.)
[0] - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ooCeoh6608 [1] - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vo4pMVb0R6M&list=PL8dPuuaLjX...
To get help via SMS, text "START" to 741-741
From one person with suicidal thoughts to another: please don't do this.
I don't know much about your situation, and maybe Thailand isn't exactly the answer, but if you're to the point where you're looking for escape by death, why not instead try finding escape by physically escaping to somewhere new?
Future will be very interesting, you'll want to see it, you'll just need to be there to see it. For now just focus on surviving and waiting and find any reason to go forward.
Even simple/silly ones, like watching the next episode of Sherlock that comes out in 2016, or finishing a good book.
Watch some comedy. Watch Louis CK, watch Bill Burr, watch Community. To me it really helps, even when things are really bad.
Elon Musk will put people on freaking Mars. Self driving cars and robots will be everywhere. Medicine will make amazing progress to fix our health problems. You'll just need to be there to see it, to be a part of it.
Computers will kick ass, scientists will make crazy discoveries. You will find things worth caring about. You will have cool people in your life too, just hold on.
There are people like you, there is a place where you belong, there are things worth living for.
Also when things are bad your brain just gets into a bad place, and a lot of these thoughts are caused by chemicals. Things may seem hopeless but after some time your brain chemistry changes and you look at the same situation very differently, even if it doesn't seem real to you now.
You will find your way, it will get better. Right now - don't be hard on yourself. Just wait and hold on.
Email me at raymestalez@gmail.com if you'll need to talk.
if you have courage to end your life, what else you are afraid of? why not you continue to live on to see where's tomorrow got for you? - [1] anthong wong
original quote 你连死都想了那还怕什么，敢死不敢活啊？你就活下去看看明天是怎么样
[1] [chinese][video] http://www.tudou.com/programs/view/UVCLmDVwT_A/
If HN is a cornerstone for you, please let us help you.
I live in upstate NY on a lake with trees and quiet. Want to come hang out and rest your mind?
EDIT: Full disclosure, the DSL isn't great, but we have LTE. I have a lot of books. 30 somethings who enjoy BBQ's and movies.
When I was still in college I travelled to and from my home by train. I know now, with the help of a psychologist, that I was suffering from a depressive period during that time.
I had arrived on the station, and I saw that my train had just left. That was almost the last straw for me. My memory of this day is very fuzzy, but nearby a jamaican-looking guy was blasting reggae music from his phone speakers, and people all around me seemed so busy with their lives. I felt invisible, like I wouldn't be missed. I tried to make eye contact with the people passing by, but nobody seemed to take notice. I then turned to the schedule to see when my next train would arrive. Instead I noticed that an intercity train would be passing through this station. While the trains do slow down when they go through a station there's still plenty of mass and speed left to kill you, I knew. I left my bag on the bench I had been sitting on and was mentally preparing myself to take the jump when the train came.
I guess I wasn't ready to do it yet, because the train came and went and I hadn't taken the jump.
Now, some time later, while not cured of my depression, I'm feeling better. I never told anyone close to me about that moment, though I did seek help after this. I also quit my study, since that seemed to be the root cause of the extra stress on top of my depression. I've found full-time work in the tech industry, and I've settled in quite nicely.
I'm glad I did. Because while I'm still not the happiest-camper in the world I've also not reached the point again where I contemplated leaving it. These days I look upon it as an anomaly in my mood. I don't feel all that good every day, but it's bearable.
So my advice to you would be to wait it out. Don't trust the feelings you have right now, because it really is only temporary.
OP you can get there. ^ did. I am getting there every day. It is an anomaly in your mood, it's not forever, and it's not the end.
It saved my life.
Needless to say, this is bad advice.
Sometimes the _day_ that you feel most suicidal is perhaps not the time to engage with psychedelics, but if you can peel yourself up a little, it can offer great perspective.
Medical is scary to me honestly. Psychedelics shouldn't be so clinical, and fearing them is only fearing yourself.
That said, they're not for everyone.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-par...
TLDR: speak to someone, get help -- there's a silly social taboo on expressing depressive feelings, but there are many many options available. People who are willing and more importantly able to help you.
I don't know you, but like the others here have said, i guarantee that there are people who love and appreciate you, even if we're only talking about potential future new friends you will meet if you stick around here :)
Find a way out, use your creativity. The pain you feel now can be a powerful motivator to radically change your situation.
Call a suicide hotline right now: http://mefiwiki.com/wiki/ThereIsHelp
Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1-800-273-8255
Find someone to talk to:
http://www.7cupsoftea.com/ http://www.befrienders.org/need-to-talk
We're here too, if you'd like.
Don't do it. You reached out, that's good.
What really got me out of the habit of thinking this way - basically a huge distraction from the things you need to do to make yourself happy - was to try and imagine if there was possibly a way to disappear completely without making the lives of the other people I know worse.
I will say, in my early years in San Francisco as a student, whenever I felt like there was absolutely no hope, I would take a $2 train to the beach, take my shoes off, and walk the entire length experiencing how small I am and comparing my relatively insignificant problems to the vastness of the ocean.
Unfortunately, we can't all have that, but everyone can go outside, stop listening to the same music or whatever over and over and just watch a squirrel climb a tree, two ducks fight over a piece of bread, talk to a homeless person.
And whoever's actions you feel are linked to the way you feel right now, surgically remove them from your life.
Every time I haven't ended my life, I've had the opportunity to experience amazing things that I couldn't even imagine.
The crossroad is an illusion. If you attempt and fail - the most common outcome - you could find yourself further burdened.
Sometimes I've felt like I've had crossroad moments for a major part of my life, stuck with deep paralyzing fears because of stupid things I've done.
Find someone to talk to, preferably a professional that will let you talk it out without it spilling into your personal life (guilt about burdening my family and friends was a major impediment in getting help).
Even though it allowed me to cope and have a professional life, one of the worst things I ever did was to learn to hide how hurt I was. Talk to someone about what you think are the consequences, the worst aspects. Let yourself cry and feel stupid, it's alright. That crap builds up inside you and no matter what, you don't deserve it.
And if necessary, consider getting some medical help as well. I have been on anti-anxiety and anti-depression medications ever since I found my father dying from a brain hemorrhage and I couldn't get him to help quickly enough to save him. That event broke me, but I had been building the tension inside for decades. The drugs don't really fix things for me, but they have helped with some of the debilitating physiological aspects, take help from any corner that you can.
That's what I did when I wanted to die.
Few legal constructs cannot be run from. Few legal arrangements cannot be undone. For those that cannot... run!
... just considering this possibility is often enough to give you the strength to keep fighting through whatever current situation or struggle you find yourself in.
When interviewing people who tried to kill themselves and didn't succeed, 99.99% say that they regret it and that they would not have done it again.
I'm still alive, and I'm glad that I am. My life is still pretty wretched, but my perspective is different. My misery isn't any less, but I'm out from under it. It's no longer crushing me and I can observe my misery with some detachment now.
I hope that you manage to get out from under your misery. Don't let it crush you.
I don't know what is going to happen in the future, maybe I'll take my own life one day. But for now, I just want to help myself. I wanted to help someone like myself. I'm not good at anything other than making an app so currently, I'm writing an app that I think would help me get by.
I hope the app that I made will help people like me. People like you. If it even save one life, my life would be complete.
I've got a list taped on my wall with some things that I need to do daily to improve my life - apparently I need the reminder. Of this list, I hope that some of the following things help you to "find some kind of way out of here":
* get out in nature
* spend time with family and friends
* get enough sleep
* exercise
* talk to a human being
* meditate (or pray)
BTW, "Goodbye" comes from the term "Godbwye", a contraction of the phrase “God be with ye”. That's my prayer for you.
I should be around most of the day.
Live on, buddy. You can make it. You're worth it.
[1] http://www.cracked.com/blog/8-tiny-things-that-stopped-suici...
I didn't believe in medicine, psychiatrists and all "you can live with that" crap. Yet, i went to doctor. I went to therapist. And for about five weeks it was hell. I was affraid more than before, I was so narrowed my vision was almost all blackfield with small, foggy point of view. This was hardest thing I did in my grownup life - endure it.
Guess what - it got better. No, my life hasn't changed a bit - my credits wasn't payd off, my fears didn't vanished, I still had to go to work every morning and I knew I am going to die one day. BUT - and this is most important thing - MY PERSPECTIVE CHANGED. I know I can face all this.
I don't know anything about You. I don't know what had happened to You. Yet I know one thing - you always have a choice. Yes, on the one hand - you can kill yourself, BUT! - on the other hand - you can live. I won't tell you - think about others before you harm yourself. This is bullshit, when you are facing live-or-die choice. In death we all are alone so we can think only by ourselves. So I'm asking you, begging you for real - think about everything you are. You are far better than you think! You are the only one in the world!
You managed to make someone laugh, you did good in your life, you faced tens and thousands problems and won over them, you can do something no one else can do in a way no one else can replicate (even if it's eating a cookie with knife and fork), you have dreams that are waiting to be fulfilled, you have so many tortillas to eat, you can become millionare in a blink of an eye, you can meet love of your life, you have all your life waiting for you.
Please - choose yourself living. God be with You.
Also second the mushroom suggestion. Not that I personally would be interested in that, but the point is: if you have nothing left to lose, all sorts of opportunities open up that you wouldn't have otherwise.
Impossible to know what could keep you attached to live. Personally I'm curious to see all the new technological developments.
In my experience, everyone who said "Don't do it" is in a better position than I was in. A person with a problem will eventually solve it, or not. A fundamentally flawed person will have only have more problems, generally of the same type, again and again, forever. It's easy to confuse one situation for the other. Most people are not deeply flawed, they're normal people who are temporarily overwhelmed by normal problems. Anything they say to you probably won't resonate. Advice from those who have plenty always has to be filtered through a lens of "easy for you to say".
The only honest thing that can be said in this situation is to evaluate your life with clear and unbiased perspective. Are you a normal person who is going through rough times, or are you the kind of person that, for whatever reason, genuinely has no hope? The latter group is very small and if you're in it, you'll have known it for a long time. Odds are that you're better off than the truly forlorn, and you don't need me to tell you that because you already know it. Count your blessings and try to picture a better life.
I'm sorry if my candor offends some people, but life is too short and we're too smart for platitudes. I hope that you get through this.
I genuinely hope you make whatever the right choice for yourself is. If you need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to let me know.
Once you get out of there, you might think you would even want to live your life locked inside an empty room for the rest of your life, because even that might be infinitely better and more worthwhile than not living at all.
Best wishes.
I will always remember a phrase from a movie, where a little girl (suffering from a serious disease) was asked "Do you know what happens after life?" and she responded "There are many different ice-cream flavors that I still haven't tried, I want to try as many as possible when I still have the chance. Then one day I will understand what happens after life - that day will come anyway."
Go get an icecream and see what you can try tomorrow! Be healthy, stay alive!
Life can always improve. It has. It will. Through your own efforts or those you love. I am a few months shy of 41, and there are things I am on the cusp on that I truly thought would never happen throughout much of my 20s and 30s.
I give you four words, more true than anything else ever spoken: Depression lies. Anxiety lies. You cannot trust what they say to you.
I hope that you are still around and reading these words, even if you do not respond to anyone.
BUT: I know from my own life that it is easy to forget about the value of keeping your options open. Death really is permanent, and always available, so there is rarely a need to rush it. All kinds of unexpected good things really can happen... and if not... you can still kill yourself later.
SO: I'd suggest you make sure you adjust your thinking for the likely bias that you are undervaluing the option-value in all the unexpected good things you can't specifically imagine right now. If you have even a little uncertainty on this point... better to wait a bit and see, no?
This is a better path to try first. How can we help?
What's the biggest problem, what types of solution can you see that remove that problem? Assuming you are allowed to do anything, e.g. move to another country freely, become a farmer or charity worker, live with distant relatives etc.
Imagine in a few months how looking back you'd feel you were too extreme.
You can take this as an argument to do it now and avoid the likely future suffering. But I interpret it differently: It means that if you are going to be one of the minority that gets better it's up to you to take action. Continuing down your current path is a recipe for suicide later if not now. To escape that you need to deviate from the standard. Do whatever it takes to break out of your rut. Even if it's scary as hell. Because any risks in making big changes are likely not to be worse than death.
That realization can be incredibly liberating.
The only advice I can give you is to give yourself some time. Really think about if you want to do this for another 24 hours, or a week, or a month, depends you how long you can bear it. Play a videogame or do whatever you like, get your mind off your problems for a bit (preferably not with alcohol or similar things) and let your subconscious mind work. When the timeframe you set yourself has elapsed, reconsider. Is it worth doing it just now? Is there stuff you might still want to do in your life?
Keep in mind, you can always kill yourself when the pain gets too heavy, it's not a decision you need to rush.
I don't know if that works for you, but I'd say this has saved my life in the past, just knowing that you can always end it.
Also, not to criticize, but if HN has been a cornerstone, you might want to look into a wider variety of building materials. HN isn't bad, but compared to the wide gamut of life? hardly a comparison.
Anyway, I know it's not so simple, whatever your reasonings. I've been there and I've talked with friends who were where you are.
If you lack a social support network (like I do) I really recommend getting a psychologist you can trust; huge in understanding thoughts and feelings.
But I hope you find that with some better coping mechanisms, life is easier to manage, and you'd be more up for living it than ending it.
Reach a suicide hotline. Let us help. The world will be less if you leave.
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
Is There a Solution to Your Problem ?
Jesus Is the Answer to Your Needs
Keep going, op. We're here for you.
The world is better with you in it.
Change career if need be. Change country. Change friends. Change. Did you ever visit another continent? Take time off. Better than taking life off.
If you believe you will find some way out, you will find some way out. So, believe in yourself.
Good luck!
Instead of suicide, try completely changing your situation. Move to a new country.
That is applicable at any time in your life. Things will change.
Please hang in there.
Edit: why am I being down-voted?
I hope this little sliver of advice can help. Good luck, from all of us who've felt pain. You're not alone.
http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/world/story/2012-05-04/a...
I know I don't come to HN to have to think about mortality, and for folks who might actually be hurting, seeing a post like this might trigger some nasty memories or feelings.
My step brother, for example, killed himself, and now I'm having to think about that in the middle of my work day, when I was really just looking for a brief distraction...
'Nice' means we just do what they say and delink the post, 'kind' means we try to understand where they're coming from and try to help them understand that while we value their opinion and input we also value this discussion.
That's not true, I don't think, and your dispassionate "grow some balls" comment at the end is pretty ironic and certainly hurtful. :( I hope I'm misunderstanding what you meant by that...
Staying alive for others while you don't want to live only makes matters worse.
Live because you want to, not because of what other people want.
We know that telling someone with a phobia "don't be scared of that thing" doesn't work.
Why do we think that merely saying "think of your family. They love you" will be effective?
I've been suicidal. Thinking of friends and family helps keep me alive. But everyone's not like me.