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Comment by redmaverick | Hacker News Reader

Joe Biden's speech in 2012 touches upon similar themes that Sheryl writes about. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwZ6UfXm410&t=5m10s

"I have to tell you. I used to resent people. They'd come up to me and say, 'Joe, I know how you feel. I know, right? I knew they meant well. I knew they were genuine. But you knew they didn't have any damn idea."

"For the first time in my life, I understood how someone could consciously decide to commit suicide. I realized someone could go out — and I probably shouldn't say this with the press here, but you're more important — I realized how someone could consciously decide to commit suicide. Not because they were deranged, not because they were nuts. Because they’d been to the top of the mountain, and they just knew in their heart they’d never get there again, that it was never going to get — never going to be that way ever again."

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    > Because they’d been to the top of the mountain, and they 
    > just knew in their heart they’d never get there again,
    > that it was never going to get — never going to be that
    > way ever again

And Sheryl says:

    > I know I will never feel pure joy again. Those who have
    > said, “You will find a new normal, but it will never be
    > as good” comfort me more because they know and speak the
    > truth

Is this attitude ... normal? I guess in the near aftermath, it's sure going to feel that way, but ten years later? 20 years later? 30 years later? I can understand never forgetting, but never letting yourself feel as happy again?

I have no experience, but would love to hear from someone with experience >10 years after the fact...

Life is a process of losing the things that you love. Your parents, your friends, your health, and finally your life.

People you love will turn their backs on you / You'll lose your hair, your teeth, your knife will fall out of it's sheath / But you still don't like to leave before the end of the movie

-- Cake

Life is a process of discovering things to love. Your parents, your friends, your health, and finally your life.

I apologize for not having a reference, but I remember reading a study that looked at different types of painful events, and found there are 2 main events that have a pretty much permanent effect on happiness levels: death of a child and death of a spouse. Yes, the acute grief fades, but the sense of loss (the void as Ms. Sandberg puts it) never really goes away.

Actually, forgetting is the way to feeling as happy again. If you can forget.

Imagine standing at your child's wedding, or your grandchild's wedding, beaming, and then remembering that your spouse isn't next to you.

You just are not the same person after that long. You remember the pain and what it was like, but in a muted way, forgetting the real pain and the unknown of going on another day. You are not you of the day afterwards, you have 10, 20 years of time to digest, forget, and deciding not to look in that crack in your heart/soul. You change, it feels like another person had those feelings and those things happened to a close friend, not you.

I can confirm this. It has been 15 years since my son died.

On a day-to-day basis there is a new normality in my life and the emotion surrounding his loss is locked tightly in a box. There is plenty of happiness and plenty of new happiness in my life.

However, at all of the happiest moments in my life the box is opened and I am reminded that we are missing the one thing that would make this moment complete.

This is why old people cry at weddings.

Thanks for sharing. I find that hard to imagine, but I've not been through it (or anything similar), so I would have no idea.

I cannot even imagine your pain. I have two small children, and if either of them were to die, I just don't know what I'd do.

Thank you for sharing this most terrible of experiences. I genuinely appreciate it.

This is my greatest fear. This is the one thing that can paralyze me late at night when my mind wanders and wonders about what can go wrong in regards to my two daughters.

Having two children of my own, the thought of losing them and living the live you do fills me with a deep sadness I can't even begin to fathom.

I'm sorry for your loss.

This is not my experience. I lost my best friend in the world about... 17 years ago now. No, he has not been with me, nor will he be with me for the many events which have and will make up my life. This hasn't actually changed the events which have occurred, though, nor the joy I've derived from them. At most, my thoughts about him in these events amounts to "Steve would have loved this".

Some of it is forgetting, but more of it is accepting. He's not here, but my friends that I have today are. I will smile and feel a bit melancholic sometimes when I note his absence, and cherish the memories we had created together (like singing Monty Python songs at the top of our lungs on the Ames college campus while wearing togas)... but not at the expense of today.

He was here, and the time we spent together was glorious. He's no longer here (as with so many others), but that's OK. I've made new friends. I've lived and will continue to live for today, for the friends and family and just other people who are here today... not yesterday.

After losing a parent >10 years ago: at first there's a gaping hole in the world, but the world knits itself back together and in its new configuration you find happiness like anyone else. But you know it's a diminished world. It's missing something wonderful, which most people don't even know about.

It's not something I dwell on, but the grief still comes out now and then. Just my experience, and I don't presume to know what it's like losing a child or spouse.

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