Surviving an Alcoholic
opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com
opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com
TBH, the author seems remarkably nonjudgemental, given that her husband undeniably drank himself to death a few years ago. Alcoholism's pretty shitty all around.
[1]: http://www.al-anon.org/how-to-find-a-meeting
edit: "drinking" originally was "alcoholism" but I edited it after posting. It's a small but important difference --- you don't have to believe that your family member is an alcoholic to attend an Al-Anon meeting; you just have to feel that their drinking is affecting you.
And, to be clear, this comment only reflects my opinion.
I sat in on a few while researching various non-typical video conferencing systems.. https://www.intherooms.com/
Don't get me wrong, alcohol is a nemesis of my own and I'm happy to point my finger at it when it's warranted but this guy wasn't looking for existential comfort from alcohol, he was shutting himself off (arguably with the intent of doing so permanently). This was suicide-by-booze, the "suicide" being the more relevant part here. The "booze" part could have been anything.
Yes, you can hurt your liver with Tylenol. In the cases close to me, and in the case described by the author, the culprit was clearly alcoholism.
Anecdotally, I've never heard a story about a man warned by his doctor to put down the Acetaminophen who kept going and died within a year.
Your comment about $500 worth of Tylenol seemed to diminish the role it could play in damaging the liver of even someone with no addiction. And $500 buys a huge amount of Tylenol.
The family member I lost (well-educated) was unaware of the alcohol/acetaminophen combination being potentially damaging. My reply here aims to inform anyone who may not be aware. Be careful.
This American Life has an episode that dives into the dangers. It's probably still one of the leading causes of overdose in the USA.
As I read, I kept expecting to see something about physical pain that he was suffering. But on the other hand, I recall a recent article about acetaminophen effectively numbing affect. So maybe it does a better job of that, when combined with alcohol.
Much better than switching them off with alcohol.
They know they need help. They don't need you to tell them.
[edit] Google for what you really should do. But this is quite bad advice.
Edit: surprised by the downvote; for what it's worth, there is zero irony in this comment: I did find this piece very well written.
Why in the world would someone suddenly start drinking at a level where it kills them? At age 45? This seems more like a mental health/depression spiral and the alcoholism was self-medication.
Especially since the word "professor" is being thrown around. If I remember correctly, there was some research that showed that men's hormones start going haywire when their partner goes into menopause. Combine this with the fact that a professor is always surrounded by young girls (professors have a higher divorce rate than average), and I have to wonder about a lot of things.
Ultimately, it's his own damn fault. But, mental illness has its own stigma.
> Ultimately, it's his own damn fault.
These seem incongruent. Is it really helpful to just say it was completely a personal failure? If we're going to talk about addiction as a disease and its comorbidity with mental illness surely "well he was a weak person" isn't helpful?
This bothers me as much as it's all your fault. You can't just commit everybody who isn't "normal" all the time.
Being an illness that needs to be treated and being your own fault are not mutually exclusive. If you have cardiovascular problems, drugs and surgery help, but you also need to lose weight and exercise.
Mental illness is quite a bit less distinct. What is the border between individual will and chemical machinery? People have been arguing that for centuries, and we're not really any closer to a good answer.
In addition, I'm more than a little skeptical that he "suddenly" became an alcoholic at 45. If he was 50 right now, he's right at then end of the "3 martini lunch" brigade that became socially unacceptable about 1990. I suspect he may have been consuming a borderline alcoholic amount of alcohol, but that something finally pushed him over the limit.
Ultimately, it's just tragic irrespective of fault.
The story is sad; the only thing that is sadder is that the wife didn't leave - that might have been the only thing to underline the seriousness of the situation. The other caveat is that he was 'high functioning' - so he could stay in denial about the situation (rent's paid, wife's here, money coming in, everything's fine)... depending on the amount of money coming in, that can fuel really powerful denial.
It's a lot easier to recover when you're broke.
It's a shame that he didn't get the chance to go to a rehab for 30 days - the staff there might have had a chance to help... that one's on the doctor...
So if you think you might have a problem, you probably do. If you want to discuss it with someone hit me up...
Much of that stigma comes from the widespread "it's his own damn fault" attitude.
When it's an illness, and not a lack of willpower, those around the person don't feel as ashamed and guilty.
When it's an illness and not a lack of willpower people are more likely to be able to come to grips with the concept of seeking help.
When it's an illness and not a lack of willpower people are more likely to be supportive of providing treatment.
I, personally, do believe it's an illness as I believe (although someone could refute me on this) that even if it might be reversible, the affliction changes the nature of the brain's chemical balance.
That being said, even if it was just some person who was choosing day after day to slowly destroy themselves, they'd be a lot better off if society said "this isn't your fault" and offered them help.
Instead, I feel it's the other way around haha! It's probably altering brain chemistries every where and society is saying "stop being an asshole!". That really has to smart.
And on top of it all, putting so much pressure on the individual to succeed on their own probably causes a lot of the stressors that cause people to want a drink or escape in the first place.
It said it in the write up - violence or threat of violence to others/self - is the qualifier for being committed against one's will.
Here's the kicker, 9.9 out of 10 times, if committed against one's will (for any reason), the post-discharge relapse is quicker than two shakes of a lamb's tail as he releases his pent up resentment into another bottle.....
It seems her husbands problems have become a large part of her identity, and what greater way to feel better than write an opinion piece about how shitty he was in the NYT?
If you look carefully, you'll see that it's a post on a blog that deals with end of life issues, so rest assured that it's not a newspaper and every entry probably deals with dirty laundry about dead people in some way.
The article is also not the hatchet-job you're painting it as. She's not abusive towards her late husband, but talking about how the alcoholism screwed them both over. By shaming people into not talking about this, you're also preventing people from finding parallels in their own life, or finding out about support groups.
Then proceeds to describe on a hugely trafficked website how he urinated in a basement sink every night and left her with $64,000 of credit card debt.
I have no desire to shame anyone, it's written now - again I simply stated that it felt bitter to me. Having spent 15 minutes reading her blog, it seems that is a reasonable description of her current mental state.
It's very clear that you were trying to shame writing about this taboo, at least in your initial comment. You weren't 'simply stating', but were making value judgements - the writing was 'twisted', and she was trying to make herself feel better by shitting on her husband. She may well be in a poor mental state, but it's been six years since the guy died. How long do you want to keep up "don't speak ill of the dead"? By maintaining that taboo in an ongoing manner, you're preventing people from getting better by talking about the bad things they encountered with the deceased person.
Alcoholism and the destruction of lives is a depressingly normal story. It's hardly 'dirty laundry' (another term of shaming) in the context provided - the author wasn't point-scoring off her dead husband, and you weren't forced to read the article. Relationships have ugly sides, and by exposing that, we help people better understand their own.
Also, it's an opinion piece, in a section called The Opinion Pages with the section title Opinionator, and even the domain has 'opinion' in it. An opinion journal would be pretty dull if it steered away from social taboos. People read opinion pieces to get different views on things (sometimes heatedly emotional), outside of the supposedly dispassionate journalistic norm.
Her story also might help other people watching loved ones deteriorate take action before it's too late, or may help people grieve following the death of a loved one under similar circumstances. This alone may be sufficient justification for her actions.
Growing up and through my adulthood, there was one thought he shared with me in so many conversations. It was this, "I really think I would like the feeling of opium?" As a child, I didn't really know what he meant? I knew he was talking about drugs--and I found it weird because my father didn't break the law. As a child, I wished my father could relax. He was always so tense. I remember praying for him. At that point in his life he was a light drinker.
As I got older, I realized what he was getting at with all those Opium comments. I realized I couldn't relax either. I tried to fight the urge to settle my nerves with alcohol, but I eventually had a nervous breakdown(life, 20's, genes, not alcohol related), and the only thing that slightly settled symptomology was alcohol. I finally found the right psychiatrist, and he gave me some relief with medication, but it wasn't enough. For years alcohol is the only thing that helped me get through the day. Fifteen years go by and I'm finally prescribed a drug that settled my nerves, but I don't know what damage I did to my body?
When I read her post, I remember how my mom blamed All my father's problems on alcohol. She would yell, scream and through objects at him. It got so bad, I think he was drinking more because she was so angry?
My mother didn't drink. My mother was just an angry person. She had a good heart, but the anger always got the best of her. She was basically angry with herself, angry over her childhood, and looking for a scapegoat. My mother lightened up as she aged, but used my father's alcoholism as an excuse to vent her emotions.
When I read this article, I felt bad for the wife, but I remember how my mother blamed everything on the drinking. I'm not saying his wife is like my mother. I don't know why this professor drank himself to death. I'm just slightly taken back when I read stories like this. I wonder if a story like this would be published if the genders were reversed?
I am in no way questioning this lady in any way. I do have extreme empathy for most alcoholics though, especially the one's that are self-medicating. There are some drugs that alleviate the need to drink, but they are only prescribed by a small percentage of Doctors. In the U.S. these drugs are currently under fire by politicians. Doctors are becoming reluctant to prescribe like they used to. I'm not going to name the drugs because I don't want to expose my identity, but one of the drugs is Klonopin(A benzo with a long half life). My wish is politicians would leave medical doctors alone. Again, I'm not questioning this lady. I know she suffered. I am guilty of spilling out my own problems?
What was it?
I'm not sure how this actually helps keep your anonymity. I would suggest setting up a temporary email address (there are many services for this purpose - https://duckduckgo.com/?q=temporary+email)
I would agree if he had a lot of family it would be hurtful to them and as such should be not have been written as it is.
You could defiantly see a human, mixed up, spitefulness in it. But I think as an article it had a lot of value and this was part of it, she's still not over it.
The more air, the better.
Sorry you have/had to go through it too.
Nonsense, what plant does this happen?
There are heaps of movies on the issues of alcoholism. There are many many support groups.
Who on earth would shaming or guilt anyone who talks? Do you hang with monsters? Or is this in your head?
Go to one, and they will tell you how they employed the strategy I'm talking about when drinking.