Start doing more things alone | Hacker News Reader

Start doing more things alone

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Interesting that this came up. Last weekend, I was at a coffee shop / bar type place with a friend and we got talking about body language. We started people watching and noticed two separate people in the place: both males, both alone.

The first man, I decided, was waiting for someone and was very clearly uncomfortable with the idea that he was sitting alone in a public place. His right leg was shaking rapidly (my right leg started doing the same thing as I watched him) and kept giving off signals that could only be interpreted as a mixture of anxiety and outward gestures to let people know that he was waiting for someone. He also kept taking out his phone, fiddling with it, and putting it back away. I was behind him, so I noticed that all he was doing was compulsively flipping back and forth between the home screens on his iPhone. Sure enough, a woman with whom he seemed well-acquainted with showed up five minutes later to join him, and he calmed down.

The second man had no scheduled guests beside his waiter and was calm as could be. He just sat, unoccupied, and enjoyed his meal and coffee alone while mildly observing his surroundings. He even noticed me glancing at him and offered a smile as if to say that he knew what I was doing. I smiled back.

The reality is, and this was one of the points of the article, that I hadn't even noticed either of them until I had intentionally given myself a reason to.

So the second guy was eating a meal, and the first guy was not, probably doing nothing until his guest arrived.

There is your difference.

There are many times where you're left doing nothing, waiting for something to happen or somebody to arrive.

Enjoy the moment. Relax. Observe your surroundings. It's sad seeing people who cannot deal with lack of external stimulus, and the "difference" from the other patron in this situation shouldn't matter.

> Enjoy the moment. Relax. Observe your surroundings. It's sad seeing people who cannot deal with lack of external stimulus [...]

This is what I want to do (and will try to). It's not that I cannot deal with a lack of external stimulus though, it's just that I'm too anxious and in my own head. But now that I've reached 30 I've started caring a lot less about stuff like this and think I might be able to (for example) enjoy a meal in a restaurant on my own, or sit and have a glass of wine somewhere, if I wanted to.

I use to people watch a ton. Most people HATE being alone and need someone to be there or else there was zero chance they would ever go out alone.

I'm often that second guy, and it's one of my favourite past-times.

My recipe:

1. Go out, 2. alone, 3. with a book, 4. and drink a glass of wine.

It never fails me. Often I don't even read the book - it's just a handy crutch. If you do tire of gazing slowly at the surroundings, reach for the book rather than your phone. Never pull out your phone.

It's amazing how many little conversations I have with passers-by, the staff at the cafe, the person sitting next to me, or, equally lovely, just nobody. I just look around. I absorb the world for half an hour without really having to be doing anything, and certainly not with anyone.

I used to love doing this when I lived in Italy - sitting outside a café in beautiful weather watching the (often) beautiful people pass by, usually languorously struggling through an Italian newspaper and making occasional friendly small talk with the waiters. Now I live in the south west of England, let's just say I don't have so much occasion to do this (he says, staring out of the window at the steady drizzle falling in my office's car park).

In the days when I traveled for work a fair bit, I would take along a book to dinner. Generally, once the meal arrived, I would set the book aside and eavesdrop. I was never furtive about, people just speak loud enough for one to hear. I tended to become involved in conversations only if I ate at the bar.

Halfway into my fourth year in college, I developed a major funk that led to me failing several classes. My dad took me out to lunch one day for a "what are you doing with your life?" talk. He had been very strict about schoolwork and grades when I was younger (and throughout much of my college career), so I was expecting to be badgered and threatened with his vision of my bleak future if I didn't turn things around. After listening to me explain what was wrong, he was silent for a bit, then suggested that I take a semester off school and go to Europe. He had been planning to send me there as a graduation present, but figured that it might snap me out of my blues and refocus my attention on school. I took his offer, and spent a little over a month backpacking around western Europe by myself. It was wonderful...the experience lead to me learning to socialize with strangers, navigate foreign countries, communicate necessities through language barriers and generally enjoy my own company, which boosted my confidence considerably. I treasure many of the memories from this trip, and would heartily recommend that anyone with the inclination travel alone at some point in their lives.

I've found myself in a similar situation, I think. I'd like to do some travelling but I find myself getting hung up on money and overall I just don't know what I would spend my time doing. What did you do once you arrived in a town or city? I really would love to have an idea of what one would do in a situation like that.

You can just .... wander around. That's the beauty of traveling alone. There is no mutually agreed upon agenda - just do whatever you want. Go from place to place for as long as you feel like. Decide last minute where you want to go next. This may or may not appeal to you depending on your personality, but I have found it to be exhilarating. You pick up and leave travel companions along the way. I spent about 4 months in SE Asia just wandering from place to place - even ended up going to some countries I didn't originally intend. :-)

I've also noticed that people are a lot more likely to come up and start a spontaneous conversation with me when I'm not already part of a group of people. I don't know exactly why that is.....

Regarding the money constraint - if you wanted to go pretty cheap you can fairly easily travel in SE Asia for less than $1000 per month. Hostels are cheap. The best food is also the cheapest. Lots of cool things to do for free or very little money.

I personally like reading in different countries.

It sounds silly, but I really do. I toured ireland by bike with a friend of mine (so I wasn't alone) and there were a few times we split up and went off onto different paths, then would meet up later. I liked seeing things, meeting other people, and finding little used bookstores to sell of my previous book and buy another. Then I'd find a little cafe or restaurant and read a little.

I guess that's mostly just to say that you can really do whatever you enjoy normally for fun; sometimes it just feels better doing it in a different location, around a different culture. At first I thought "man, I wasted my money flying out here to read" but then I realized that I really liked it, and so, who cares? It was great.

I agree with the sibling post, also. I spent about a month in Thailand on a grand or so. We went all over the place. Chiang Mai was my favorite area, personally. Lots of culture, and lots to see all over, though.

I think a lot of people experience a strange sort of complementary relationship between travelling and reading. Perhaps it's something to do with the notion of exploring new territory, both physically and imaginatively. This might be why you see lots of "shared bookshelves" in hostels around the world.

You might be interested in BookCrossing.com. You write a note inside a book and leave it in another country, and it's encouraged to read the book, and then take it somewhere else, and keep track of its progress on the website. I'm not sure how successful it is in practice generally, though. I left a book once in Ho Chi Minh city and it got as far as Bangkok, but I don't know where it is now.

i guess it depends where you go - but you can travel on the cheap - make sure you stay in hostiles - youll meet lots of people that way

What do you enjoy doing? Treking, art, history? Go somewhere that has something that interests you.

I always used to take a Lonely Planet guide, and look for a cheapish hostel recommended there. There will usually be a few people in similar situations. Hang about in the common room (don't use a laptop, or mobile phone), and speak to people. Ask people if they fancy sharing a beer. They will have things that they have seen, and have loads of recommendations for you. If that doesn't work out, book on a group tour.

Its pretty easy to meet people if you put in the tiniest bit of effort.

When I arrived in a new city and wanted socialization, I'd chat with the people staying in the hostel; with few exceptions, other guests were very pleasant and open to meeting new people. If I wasn't in the mood for chatting, I'd just wander around the city, usually ending up at a local bar where a beer or two helped me get over any shyness about approaching people. If you are open to new experiences, they'll find you.

this is a great story - and i hope some day if i have a kid i can do this for him also - i studied abroad (alone) by choice (not because of my grades and it was a wonderful experience that I would never trade for anything

I would extend this and say start doing more things alone without technology.

It's about building trust with yourself, believing in you to be able to not only survive any situation, but to thrive.

We use people and technology as a social crutch and it limits our understanding of ourselves.

I hitchhiked throughout New Zealand by myself when I was 18 for 6 months and although it was a little uncomfortable and even scary at first I learned to trust myself and I built a huge amount of confidence that I still carry with me today.

Put yourself in situation where you have to trust strangers and in those authentic interactions you will see that humans around the world are really beautiful and loving and learn that it applied to yourself too.

My recommendation even for a weekend is to pack a small carry on size backpack with no electronics (phone, laptop, etc.) and go somewhere that you have never been in a way that you have never traveled. Hitchhike to Yosemite and find a place to camp and a fire to share.

I don't know how to camp or maintain a fire. Would you still recommend it?

It's very easy to learn. Find someone willing to go camping with you for a weekend and teach you the basics. It'll really just take a few hours and you'll enjoy the rest of the time.

Not to be glib, but there's only one way to learn, really.

Maintaining a fire isn't all that hard, and neither is pitching a tent, after you've done it once.

That said, I would personally recommend camping your first time with others, even if just on a meetup group or something (there's probably one in your area if you look, and if there's not, you can start one), though it's not critical.

Pitching a tent can be frustrating, but if you get to your campsite while there's still plenty of light, it's not that hard. Avoid doing it at night until you get experience, and you should be fine. As for starting a fire, take a piece of fire log and a lighter. Add small sticks and progressively larger ones. Read an article about it or two. It isn't that hard, though plenty of folks are opinionated about it -- like starting a fire with charcoals.

My email address is in my profile, and I'm an insanely avid camper / hiker, so feel free to email me, and I can give you tips, checklists, etc., etc.

> As for starting a fire, take a piece of fire log and a lighter. Add small sticks and progressively larger ones. Read an article about it or two. It isn't that hard, though plenty of folks are opinionated about it -- like starting a fire with charcoals.

Or, use your bag of Doritos you brought along as a fire starter (More likely if car camping, but not all camping needs to be in the middle of nowhere. If you're located in the US, your local state park might be near empty outside of peak months.)

For a first timer, going with people is preferable, not just for safety but they can show you how to camp comfortably. Solo for a beginner would be fine if carefully planned. Head somewhere with popular/easy to follow trails, comfortable weather and reasonably close to civilisation to mitigate risk. Camping can be such a valuable experience, though it's only fair to say some people hate the roughing it side of things.

I noticed you've posted an SMH link. If you're in the Sydney area I'd be happy to take you out. I really enjoy introducing people to the outdoors. I'm an infrequent camper these days but still head out a few times a year.

It amazed me recently in a trek in the Hymalayas, there were some younger trekers, listening to music on iPods / iPhones the whole way, plodding along, they didn't even seem to notice the spectacular scenery. I am assuming it was just another facebook post to them.

I'm on a work gig away from home and have been spending most of my free time alone. I like it and end up in these situations on purpose, but after few months it starts to feel a bit strange. I usually try to go out to do things as I feel happier about it than staying in. Some things like museums and art galleries are nice to do alone, but most things city has to offer are culturally meant to be done in groups or together with someone.

I do get conscious about it every now and then and things like eating in a busy restaurant weekend nights can be uncomfortable. Or going to see a gig and then getting very bored while waiting between bands.

Sometimes I see great things or I fall deep into my thoughts and get some new insights, but don't immediately get to share them with anyone. When I get back home after half a year or so most of my friends comment that the time just flew by. They ask me what has happened and it's difficult to explain. It's like nothing happened to me, but for many many times.

A judicious combination of solitude and social interaction is key. I've long had to battle the problem of leaving social events early because it was just too easy to stick around until something was over, only then feeling guilty afterward because some of that time could've been better spent doing Math or working on a project/program. I like to do these things not because I'm a recluse, but that these activities are enriching, align with my goals, and just happen to be individual/solitary activities.

While it would be nice to travel (as others have done, which is great), go to beer/food festivals and concerts this summer, I'd rather be reviewing Vector Analysis, Linear Algebra, and Quantum Mechanics to get ready for the Fall semester so that I can be ready with the material in class. This isn't to be taken as an absolute. But for right now, it's the right thing to do, and to do anything to the contrary would be a poor use of my time and lead to more guilt and anxiety.

At 33 with many goals has made me realize that time management is essential, and not investing in those goals will result in repeated failure and frustration.

There's no shame in doing things alone and saying no to group activities. It's all about Opportunity cost and the scarcity of resources. That resource being time.

I do quite a few things alone, myself and I do generally tend to have a good time. In some cases, I actually have a better time than I expect I would with others.

I like to go on drives into the middle of nowhere, usually deciding what turn to take when I take the turn. Some other person would just be sitting in the car blinking as I thought that one dirt road with no one on it was /the best/ turn to make at this second.

Or, I'll go to the zoo, and take photographs; but, that's not something that's very fun to do with other people. I fear they'll get bored as I decide to sit by a single animal enclosure for the next two hours, just waiting for the creature there to do something photo-worthy.

I also often go out to eat alone. I have weird feeding schedules, and sometimes I want to eat somewhere nice, so ... bleh. I actually don't feel too bad about eating alone, but sometimes it could be quite a bit more fun to do it in a group.

I do prefer to see movies with friends, though. There's the discussion about the movie immediately after seeing it that I quite enjoy.

I also prefer to participate in extreme sports with others. Maybe not going with them the whole time the extreme sport is happening; but, there is safety in numbers in an activity that you could literally die from.

Long story short, for people that haven't done things alone for the awkwardness reasons. I encourage you to try it. It can be quite a lot of fun, depending on the activity.

I get the premise of the article, but not sure I entirely agree. A week or so ago I went to a live music show at a pub, I got up for a minute to go to the washroom, and when I came back someone was taking my chair from the table. Not such a good feeling. Stuff like this happens sometimes when people go to restaurants alone, I guess.

Maybe the important thing is to do things alone if necessary, but try to form connections with people. Human beings are social creatures, and we all need some form of interaction. Like my dad's mother-in-law told me, "Don't get too used to being alone." I asked her why, and she didn't really give much of an answer, but as I've grown older, I see the importance of friendships and relationships.

I suppose, like so many things in life, dosage and quality matter in our social interactions. Having trouble forming connections with people, or having had key connections broken in a short time, can result in significant hardships. On the other hand, I've known far too many people over my life who suffered to varying degrees almost directly as a result of being unable to be outside of a "relationship" for any period of time. For many of them, I suspect that even one good episode of learning that it's OK to be on their own would have been life changing.

Leave your jacket :-)

Kind of off topic, but your comment reminded me of something that I've wondered about for a couple of months.

I was in the US (NYC) last year and went to a music event at a bar. My girlfriend and I were there an hour early, so we grabbed a table of four near the front (we were meeting two other friends). When our friends arrived and sat down, we noticed that someone had left a jacket on one of the chairs at our table while we were sitting there (it wasn't there when we took the table).

We were a little confused but our friends sat down anyway. Right as the show was starting, an older guy came up and said that we were in "his" seat, as it had his jacket on it. He was pretty angry that we'd taken "his" seat, and we didn't feel like an argument, so we let him drag the chair off somewhere else, but it felt like he was being a bit of an asshole.

Is this a social thing in the US that I just don't get (I'm British) or was the guy just being an asshole?

Maybe he was alone, he went to buy a drink and came back to find his seat taken? I wouldn't be too surprised if leaving your jacket to claim a seat is a common practice among older generations. If I imagine the setting to be 50's/60's, and watched it in a movie, it would seem you were the assholes. At least offer him a space in the table to join you. Alas, this is the modern times, so my critique does not apply, it's only a suggestion why the older man might be angry.

TIL I am part of the "older generation". Kids today don't know to leave a jacket on a chair or movie theater seat to claim your territory?

Regarding the original question, the couple that arrived early should have "claimed" the two empty chairs by placing jackets or some other items on them. Failing that, they should have been alert to the "older" man who put his jacket down on it and immediately stated that the seat was already taken.

I agree with you - but I've done that myself and still had my seat taken before, even with my stuff on the table, it only got moved to the corner! I only went to the bathroom and back. I told him to get up, he refused, and I only got it back after insisted he give me 10 minutes to finish my work - and then I gave it back to him (he was with his friends so he didn't want to be humiliated). My description of modern "etiquette" was descriptive, not prescriptive.

P.S. I specified older generation because the parent specified "older man".

Well, I don't know about the "older generation", but I grew up being taught all throughout life to not leave any of my belongings anywhere unless I want them to get stolen.

Whenever I'm out somewhere with someone else and they set anything down on a table (jacket, hat, notes, wallet, anything) and get up to use the restroom, they say, "Make sure no one takes anything." I say the same.

I'm not sure if this is just a generational thing that follows from "stranger danger" or what.

On the other hand, it sucks when you can't get a seat in a half empty venue because everything is 'reserved'. Often myself and my girlfriend can spend a couple of hours somewhere standing, only to leave without these seats ever getting filled.

Probably cultural. Where I'm from (NZ) chairs sorta belong to the table; you wouldn't take a chair from a table or hang your jacket on it if there's someone else sitting there, at least not without asking first.

I had a similar experience in a food court in Bangkok. My wife and I bought our food and sat down at a table that had some bagged food on it (since there weren't any clean tables available). Assuming it was someone's leftovers that they neglected to trash, we just moved the food to the side since there wasn't a rubbish bin nearby.

A few minutes later someone came up and angrily told us that was his table and it was his food, and he demanded we find another table.

Really confused but not yet learning our lesson we moved to another table and moved some more food aside. Another man yelled at us, this time even angrier.

Seems it's pretty common for people to buy one thing, take it to the nearest empty table to 'reserve' it, and go elsewhere and get more food.

I guess when you're in someone else's country you just have to realise that you probably are the asshole and apologise, even though it doesn't make much sense :S

"dad's mother-in-law" ... odd way to say "my grandmother" ?

You're assuming his mother and father are presently married.

My dad got re-married after my parents split.

English is possibly the least expressive language in history regarding relationship terminology. It is very common for non-english speakers to prefer idioms that more carefully map what they are thinking of instead of the highly limited and simplistic possibilities of english.

I'd be curious to hear more about this.

You're saying that it's idiomatic in some languages to say something that translates to "dad's mother-in-law" to refer to one's maternal grandmother?

What is the semantic difference between saying that and simply saying "maternal grandmother" (or just "grandmother")? Does it indicate something along the lines of "my grandmother" while also communicating distance from one's mother, or that one's mother has died?

Do you know of any other interesting relationship semantics that are frequently expressed in other languages, but awkward to say in English?

> Not such a good feeling. Stuff like this happens sometimes when people go to restaurants alone, I guess.

I go alone at restaurants pretty often, and what you described (more or less) only happened to me once: after I had finished my meal I went to the restroom. When I returned I found out that the book I had left on the table was no longer there. I asked the waiter about it (this was a fancy restaurant, where I go once in a blue moon), and he told me that the Italian tourists from the table next to me (some self-important shmucks) had told him that I had gone away for good, without paying.

Anyway, other than that eating out alone is pretty nice. I generally have issues with eating food in front of other people while talking and socializing (apart from very close people, like family or SO), so in this way I can eat whatever I like at whatever pace I want. Plus, I have like 4-5 or restaurants to which I go pretty often and is always nice to see that the people from there know you pretty well. May be because of the larger than average tips I leave at the end, or because they feel that I look strange eating out alone :), I wouldn't know, is nice all the same.

And about your relatives' piece of advice: In general is true, but is way, way harder when you find out that you are (and have been, for some time) alone by yourself even though you had been surrounded by all sorts of nice people who supposedly should have cared for you (family, close friends, SO etc).

I'm writing this from Panama on a solo trip I'm on. I get more vacation time than my wife so tend to go on a couple solo vacations per year. It's great. I can work as much as I want, make my plans on the morning of each day, and spend a week walking miles with zero small talk.

The only drawback is having to occasionally justify to friends why I don't bring a friend along (aren't you lonely? Aren't you bored? No). Probably a lot like the dog and pony show vegans have to put on when they meet someone new (don't you miss the eggs and cheese?)

I go out in NYC alone all the time, on weekends, for fun - Mostly I do it because my friends are doctors and cant go out because they are on call - I wish I would have realized much sooner how much fun you can actually have - at a bar, alone on a Saturday night in NYC

I think there is a stigma attached going out alone though - I have random people ask me if I am alone and seem surprised by the answer. I do a lot of other stuff alone also, such as eating a restaurants, walking, etc. Going out alone is the most fun because there is alcohol involved.

Moral of the story: You can still have fun, but if you have a girlfriend, wife, or good friends, it's definitely better than doing things alone (IMO)

Ive done the same in NYC but never truly enjoyed any of those alone experiences

are you drinking when you go out or no? also - which neighborhoods did you try ?

>> I think there is a stigma attached going out alone though - I have random people ask me if I am alone and seem surprised by the answer.

This is the hardest part to combat, especially at a bar when there's no attraction (say, a sports game) on. There is such an intense expectation for group social activity in nightlife that makes it very hard to go solo.

For this reason, I almost never have a good time going out to a bar by myself so I'm surprised you enjoy it. Theatres and restaurants, on the other hand, I have much better luck with.

i agree - i think it is important to not look at your phone or a tv (when you are out), the reason you are out is to presumably meet people and have fun. the easiest way to avoid this issue in my experience is

* make sure the bars you go in are crowded.

* given (1), always look for a long line for a drink, it gives you a lot of time to start a convo

* never sit down, always be standing (makes it it easier for people to approach you)

* go out later at night, people are more intoxicated and are more willing to talk (for better or for worse)

if a random person asks me if i am alone these days, i usually just tell them i am waiting for a friend that is running late and they drop it - but if i follow that check list, i never run into that situation anymore anyways.

I hate sports and dont follow them so I can never use them as a conversation starter. i live in NYC and this works in the Lower East Side / East Village / West Village - San Fran might be tougher - not sure

> I think there is a stigma attached going out alone though - I have random people ask me if I am alone and seem surprised by the answer.

I've been doing things alone a lot since I moved to another city. And it really seems weird to the people I talk to.

"Are you waiting for someone?"

"No."

"Are you alone?"

"No. Look around. There are so many people here."

I think the article is quite correct with the spot light theory. People are way too concerned about what others might think. So it actually seems to be a good thing that I mostly don't care about that.

One downside for me is that – I asked a random stranger about that – it seems I don't look approachable. She said, it seemed to her that she needed to say something smart to me rather than just asking me if I want to have a drink with her. I haven't figured out what the reason is but I would really like to change that.

The beginning of an article showcases a photo of a man eating by himself and is captioned: "Not as sad as it looks."

Well, wapo, that depends. If the other two extra plates of food next to him are for imaginary friends it puts a totally different twist on things that might be sad after all.

There's a thing called the Principle of Charity. Basically, if there's two ways to read something, try using the more charitable way, the way that's kinder and nicer, the way that doesn't assume the author is a moron. You'll find things are a lot simpler and less confrontational that way.

Consider me admonished!

I enjoyed the article and wouldn't want author to think I found fault with it. Maybe author would be amused that someone noticed the extra food at the table, and, in fact, intended it as an easter egg?

Hmm, well why not try applying that principle to dpatrick86? I see nothing in his comment that assumes the author is a moron.

Perhaps onion2k could just be remarking that dpatrick86's comment is a good example, and in fact he isn't assuming that dpatrick86 is assuming that the author is a moron? :)

Ad infinitum.

Nice observation, and funny!

For certain evening activities it should be obvious why in company is better than solo. These occasions become cherished chapter points where we reflect and share all kinds of information. We celebrate even the smallest milestones, any excuse for cheers.

I wonder how often solo activities cause valued nostalgic feelings later? I have a cherished memory of a hike in the mountains I did alone, but no great memories of solo dining-out adventures. So if we accept the objective is to get some work done on a laptop when dining alone, or travelling alone, then that's all good. But ordinarily non-work-related dining out and travelling would be best done with someone else.

To suggest we should do more things alone I couldn't generally agree with, (depending on the activity - visiting an art gallery is great to do alone.)

I'm a big fan of solo bar meals. Anecdotally and informally, I'd say at least 1/3 of the time a stranger or group will initiate conversation with me. Overall it turns into an active social occasion for me >50% of the time.

Even without active social interaction, I find people watching to be very enjoyable anyway.

I wish that were the case in the places I am having lunch at - do you actually mean by bar some past 9pm location etc? But I am frequently at coffee shops and met so many really interesting people. Definitely a great way to connect with people outside ones established social circle.

I'll commonly do weekend lunch early-mid afternoon. I live in a highly walkable neighborhood and day-hour happy hours are common in the area I live, so there's usually decent traffic at this time.

Otherwise, dinner at fairly standard hours - somewhere in the 6p-8p range, later in some areas.

Having a meal at a bar is one of the few places to eat alone where you won't get odd glances from the staff or other patrons.

> But other people, as it turns out, actually aren't thinking about us quite as judgmentally or intensely as we tend to anticipate. Not nearly, in fact.

^This... I'm European and when I've visited USA / Silicon Valley (w/o knowing many people there) I have gone alone to hackathons, clubs, meetups, conferences, and many other places... and I've enjoyed it even more than other times I've gone out with friends. Doing things alone is powerful specially for making new connections, if you have the right mindset, even when you're in a foreign country.

Recommended vid: "Going Out Solo: How to hit the clubs alone and still have fun"

Description: Going out solo isn't something to be ashamed of or even afraid of. Sometimes your friends aren't willing but if you're on a mission to better yourself socially you wouldn't allow that to be an excuse. If you need a little encouragement on where to start I have some pointers for you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ftq0bzu2D1Q

  > Recommended vid: "Going Out Solo: How to hit the clubs alone and still have fun"

Any timestamps you recommend? The first few minutes are narcissistic garbage.

The downside is you have no one to recount the experience with later on, you might tell people about it but no one will ever understand what it was like unless they were there with you.

This is true... but you do end up making different kinds of memory on your solo trip. It may not be with your loved ones, but it may be with type of strangers that you may not have met.

I went on a solo trip to Japan couple of years ago. Even though I had planned out the trip tightly, I ended up veering off course. For example, I was just strolling aroud one day, and saw a fellow solo tourist hop into a bike rental shop. So I followed him, and rented a bike myself too. Whopping $9/day. And we kept on crossing path over the course of day, which was hilarious.

Around 9pm, I needed to return the bike, but I was completely lost. With all businesses shut down in deserted part of kyoto, I was helpless. But I found this one-man police station, so I walked in, asking for help. This chubby jolly patrolman was so delighted to help despite communication barrier, he went out of his way to walk me towards the rental shop.

Another day, I was just observing people on the street. I was surprised how many young men and women make living hawking on behalf of clubs and restaurants. One young lad caught my attention. He was shouting loud and he looked thirsty. So I ran to a nearby vending machine and handed him a can of ice coffee. Initially he was completely baffled, but then he got it after my lame attempt at communicating. And thanked me and gave me a big smile. So he and I have a nice shared memory.

Anyway, both types of trips are enjoyable. People who've never done solo travel definitely should, when luxury allows.

Dervla Murphy (Irish solo travel writer, in her eighties now) has often expounded the value of travelling alone. Basically she says that if you travel with others it's a safe cocoon. But if you travel alone you end up observing much more and interacting much more with the culture and people you visit.

And this is a woman who went out of her way to avoid a 'safe cocoon'. Such as traveling up the Indus valley on donkey-back in the 1970s. She did it when she was a single mother and took her daughter, aged less than 10, along with her. Just the two of them.

So? Most people don't care to hear this stuff anyway.

How's that a downside? Furthermore, why's it necessary for someone else to know about it? Doesn't it hold value even if you only experienced it?

I just really enjoy recalling shared memories with people. It reminds you of your shared past and helps you bond.

I often find myself doing things alone. I took a trip alone to New Orleans and went to have brunch at this popular restaurant. The line was pretty long and lots of people waiting outside. I went up to the host and she asked how many people were in my party, I responded, "just me." She said, "follow me this way."

So one thing I've come to realize is that when you go to a restaurant alone there's usually zero waiting time for seating, that's a plus. :)

I'm single and 63, and that often happens to me, too. You just have to watch they don't try to stick you into an undesirable small table next to the kitchen door, etc. I find this occurs most often with younger, less experienced hosts, and I simply won't put up with it. The instant I realize I'm being guided to a poor table or a noisy area, I quickly look around and request another one of my own choosing.

I would highly recommend bar seating. So long as you're not at an hour where the drinking crowd starts to overtake the dining crowd, it's usually quick to find a space.

I definitely need to do more of this.

Personal anecdote time: About a year ago a band I like (which also happens to be a side project of members of my favorite band) was playing in my city and I was trying to find friends to come with me, but none could or wanted to. I spent a few hours beforehand agonizing over whether or not to go alone but I finally decided "screw it, I'm going." Got to the club, band came on, played a kick-ass show, and after I went to buy a record at the merch table I spotted the singer (also one of the core members of said favorite band) hanging out by the bar just talking to people. So I went over and said hi, shook his hand, told him how awesome the show was and was generally a starstruck idiot the whole damn time.

None of that would have happened had I decided not to go alone, and it seemed silly in retrospect that I spent so long agonizing over the decision, but I was definitely grappling with a degree of social anxiety. But now it's something I do all the time. The key was convincing myself that no one actually cares if you're at a concert by yourself.

I think that's true of a lot of other social situations, but sometimes it's a hard mentality to internalize. Kind of weird how much we care about strangers' perceptions of us.

"describe their findings: that people consistently underestimate how much they will enjoy seeing a show, going to a museum, visiting a theater, or eating at a restaurant alone."

Very true. If you're halfway serious about art, you should not go to Museum with anyone, but by yourself. Museum viewing is intensely solo activity.

Theater though, you're held captive to the seat for 2 hours, so it's more about what you do before and after, that people have reservation about.

For whatever reason there is a social stigma attachted to being alone. I'm single and in my early 30's I recently spent six weeks travelling around South America I had a great time but when speaking to work colleagues about the trip the first thing I usually get asked is some variation on "Who did you go over there with?" It immediately gets really awkward when I say somethig like "I travelled by myself."

Can't say that this has been my experience. I moved to the other end of the country 2.5 years ago and still haven't really formed a social group. I started off heading out and doing stuff on my own, but it gets pretty depressing pretty quickly, and definitely isn't as fun as doing the same things with others. I now don't really do public things on my own at all.

I gotta agree. I've tried doing all sorts of things alone and honestly it get really really old real fast.

Isn't the idea to go out alone and make new friends? You shouldn't have to go out alone tons. Just enough to meet new people.

It may be, but it should not. You can go alone for the purpose of making friends with yourself. I this is why, I think, lots of people prefer not to be alone: they are afraid of reflection. Or, god forbid, being alone in silence, without some loud music to deafen the voices you might hear. I see being alone as a kind of meditation.

I'm not afraid of reflection or silence, not at all. Just doing things isn't fun alone and after a couple times doing something alone I decide staying in is more entertaining.

Yeah, I should've added the caveat that I'm not so good at that ;). Maybe this article is targeted at already outgoing types.

I love my own company. As in really really love it and I have found that I end up meeting completely different kind of people when I do things alone.

When I first moved to SF 17 years ago I was going out to eat alone quite a lot, this was before the smartphone so instead of technology I took a book instead.

I have a lot of friends so it's not a question about that. It's just that solitude brings out some interesting perspectives on life.

I've found snowboarding to be an amazing activity to partake in alone. I'll take a mid weekday off and drive to Tahoe (I live in CA) and most resorts dont have lines at the lifts.

At my own steady pace, I'll get somewhat lost in the woods. Total silence and just the trees and snow. Maybe sit down and take it all in. I find these trips to be the best vacations and often I don't stay more than a day.

It is kind of sad that so many see doing things alone as a shameful thing, or atleast odd.

I'm sometimes self-conscious about it too but mostly (I feel) because of other people's views, not mine.

This video did the rounds a few years ago, and I think it nicely captures the sentiment of doing things alone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

Like many others, I travel a lot by myself and I feel totally comfortable with it. I wouldn't go as far as saying it's a better experience, but it's certainly better than being stuck at home waiting for an hypothetic traveling companion. And there's a sense of freedom and independence that is somewhat rewarding.

However, I feel really awkward by myself in a bar (unless there's a show of some sort). I really feel like a loner desperate to meet other people. Interestingly, I have no problem if I'm waiting for someone.

I just moved to a new city a few weeks ago and have started going to music shows weekly. Shared experience is a great way to connect with new people, not just enjoy something together with friends. I just met a new friend yesterday, and have had nice conversations and interactions with a number of other people that either turn into just a nice one-time experience or a potential friendship.

Sporting events and music shows are, I've found over the years, great things to go alone to. It might be a bit intimidating to start talking to a group of people, but approaching someone who's by themselves (or even a small group) can lead to a nice conversation or potentially something more lasting.

"We end up staying at home instead of going out to do stuff because we're afraid others will think they're a loser."

Perhaps a bigger contributing factor may be that many US citizens simply have less disposable income these days. If you are living alone in a high cost of living city (such as DC where the WP is HQ'd), you most likely have much less money to spend on bars, restaurants and movie theaters.

Fortunately, DC has many free museums, parks, trails, etc where you often find folks doing things in groups, pairs and alone without any stigmas or high costs.

You look at some of the biggest success of our post-2008 economy - namely web 2.0 companies like snapchat, uber, tinder - and you see they typically involve introverts who are getting very rich very quickly. Being alone is not just a way to save money or find inner peace, but - in the Silicon Valley at least - a possible pathway to riches and fame.

David Burns made this point quite clearly in the self-help book "Intimate Connections", which came out in 1985. Still, I guess it's good to see the message get out.

From a man who knew how to sit in a cafe alone

Hell is other people

Some people just prefer to be alone.

I think "rolling solo" as a guy doing cold approach pickup is one of the most badass learning experiences you can have.

It has taught me so much about how to fearlessly socialize with strangers in a completely non-needy (not to mention non-creepy) way. Also, all of the bullsh*t that you have to deal with just in terms of getting into good clubs (at least in NYC, where you have to promote girls into the door just to get in) makes normal work challenges seem trivial.

It is not for the faint of heart, but in case anyone is wondering it will pay DIVIDENDS in terms of life skills (and the short-term "benefits" can also be good :).

Agreed. I'm also in nyc doing the same thing you are. Always interested in meeting other people in nyc doing the same. Let me know if you ever want to meet up.

wtf was this exchange?

it was a wtf, literally!

I'm a little creeped out.

idk either, but neither of these accounts has any contact information associated, so good luck to both of them.

Obviously you are not familiar with the PUA (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pickup_artist) community. Not that I am, but I've seen enough of it to not find this exchange out of the ordinary in the least.

Oh I'm aware of that disgusting and misogynistic community. I think the irony of those comments in context might have been lost on you though.

Researchers have nothing better to do than explore the harmless neuroses of the middle class?

If the research can yield ways to improve the happiness of society, then I would say it is worth doing.

Oh, this research is very much in the interest of the businesses — because staying at home also means spending less money. The idea is that if the taboo around "having fun" — aka spending money — alone is broken, then well… profit! This article of course contributes to these interests.

Personally I think time spent at home is can be as good as time spent out side of home. The article in question does not do any comparative study — it is just assumed that staying at home means not having fun.

Ya, I agree with you. I have to call bullshit on the part that says, "In the fifth, Ratner and Hamilton put the preferences to the test by gauging whether people actually enjoyed visiting an art gallery more when they were in the company of others, compared to when they were alone."

I used to have a museum membership so I could go everyday for free if I wanted to. I often went every other day just to get coffee, or to use the free wifi for work. It was subjectively a very different experience than being with someone.

I am pretty sure if you measured something like endorphins or blood pressure, you'd see there was more enjoyment with someone than without. There are tons of studies that already do this, e.g. the ones written up by UCSF profs in "A General Theory of Love."

Maybe they should do some research on staying at home and quietly meditating. Simple, probably rewarding, but doesn't cost any money. :)

At least the entertainment business can console itself with the fact that they're pirating less.

Then everything on HN caters to the neuroses of the middle class.

You got food 'n' shelter, what more do you want? Why you interested in Rust or Elon Musk?

Everybody wants to be Elon Musk but the way post-industrial unregulated capitalism works leads to a handful of Musks and their corporate entities controlling, well, pretty much everything, and fierce competition among the masses for scarce resources. AKA feudalism.

The era of the middle-class was a blip on the historical radar. Feudalism ruled supreme for thousands of years and couldn't be clearer that we are currently backsliding into an era of "digital feudalism".

It's not like Google, to name the obvious example, is really hiding their intentions. Larry Page just a few weeks ago said he thinks government is becoming more irrelevant and "outdated" and nobody even blinked. Well who's going to replace the outdated dinosaur government? The writing is on the wall. Anyone who seriously believes in the pipe dream of a libertarian utopia is a deluded fool. The innocently named "Internet of Things" is bringing the big SV players into every corner of every home and it's not about controlling your toaster with a smartphone, but it most certainly is about control. How exactly things will play out is impossible to predict - I mean a 2010 podcast of academics and students discussing Facebook Twitter and MySpace sounds quaint and old-fashioned - but history shows what happens when power is concentrated in a few hands. And the USSR was supposed to be a Utopia too...

Personally I quite enjoy living in tumultuous times but it's worth remembering the Chinese saying "may you live in interesting times" was used as a curse ;-) Don't be evil, now!

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