> I also believe my problem could be discipline.
> I usually work during the night, sometimes in the morning. I choose the night because it's less distraction, but then I distract myself with reddit or IRC, and I get little done.
You're right - discipline is a challenge for you. It's a challenge for everyone, but you're the person of concern here.
Work on your discipline habits. This is different for each person. Try lots of things. Keep trying.
As you've described, your current career is a struggle. Many short-term gigs, constant pressure, almost no social capital, and (I pessimistically assume) low pay.
And regular criticism, either direct or indirect.
That sucks! And it's not likely to improve. You're in the midst of a market that runs on people meat. Like a sweatshop, except your mind instead of your body is being exploited.
It's better than a physical sweatshop, but it still sucks. The key thing to remember is that you're participating in a market which places little value on humans. It's easy to absorb that attitude, and devalue yourself.
If you stay in this career, the likely outcomes are:
- burnout
- depression
- resilience
- aggression
(This is all personal experience & opinion, BTW. It might not match reality.)
In order to survive, and even succeed, you need to minimize your burnout and depression, and cultivate your resilience & aggression.
Aggression doesn't mean rage - it means hunger. It means viewing every single interaction as fuel.
You've shown you can write decently (many people can't speel sipmle word).
For example, this communication:
Given the urgency of the project, and the communication problems, I don't think this is a good first Company project for you. I removed you from the project. So I can make sure you're put in a better position, what's the ideal project for you?
looks like a solid opportunity. You might reply:
"Thanks for taking this action, and for the frank communication. I understand the tight schedule and I appreciate your help in matching my abilities with your needs. You asked what the ideal project is, and we both know projects are never ideal.
For me to bring maximum value, I need time. You're probably familiar with the good/cheap/fast triangle. I work in the 'good' corner.
Thanks again for your time. I'll be happy to talk further at your convenience."
I bet you can write it even better. (hint: shorter = better)
The fact is, in the cheap-gig market, you'll get to write this response dozens of times. You'll have plenty of chances to practice, until you're either a iron-hard pro, or a mentally destroyed basket case!
(or some strange hybrid of those two things)
Hope this helps.