Ask HN: When to tell potential employers me and my wife are expecting a baby? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: When to tell potential employers me and my wife are expecting a baby?

13 pointsthrowawaybaby21 comments

Hi HN,

At what point in the recruitment process should I tell recruiters / potential employers that me and my wife are expecting a baby?

I'm thinking that when I accept an offer would be most to my advantage, but I'd like to know if there are any potential pitfalls I should try to avoid.

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Let's put this another way. Do you want to work for an employer that is understanding and supportive with regards to your responsibilities as a father?

If so, be upfront about the baby and if you get a poor response from your prospective employer, then maybe that employer isn't for you.

Quite honestly I find that companies full of young lads run by young lads is not likely to be that supportive, because quite honestly they haven't got a clue what it is like to have such responsibilities, nor do they care (in general).

You are going to be shattered for the next couple of years, surviving on limited sleep. You are going to be able to work your core hours, but don't expect to work overtime without getting ill, or letting your relationship with your partner and child suffer as a result. Whilst the boys are out drinking after work, you are not going to want to be there too.

Congratulations and enjoy the ride. You're going to have this crazy little being that takes your input and outputs crazy shit for the next few years. Children are great fun!

I agree with this, I have a 7 month old daughter and I am literally running on empty. I pick up colds a lot more often now, but, seeing her smile makes everything worth while. Be upfront about it, you'll want to work for a company that sends you a card with Mothercare vouchers when the time comes, not a company that makes you feel bad for wanting to support your family.

To the OP, your username is interesting given the context!

I'd recommend you get regular blood work done at your GP. It will show where you are deficient in vitamins and minerals. Been there and got the t-shirt! :-)

We made a few mistakes with our first baby. The first was both partners trying to deal with the baby at the same time at night when it woke up. Better is to take turns. Literally setup a second bedroom where you can take turns to disappear and get some sleep. You'll feel much better if you have 2 proper full sleep phases (3 even better). Go to bed early. Staying up until midnight was ok pre-baby, but now it will just kill you.

Accepting that my lifestyle needed to change was the hardest part for me. Lots of things I didn't want to give up. Once I accepted them and worked with the changes, things got much better.

My experience in the US has been to make it part of the negotiations after the interview and when you are in direct contact with the hiring manager. I've known several people in the US who successfully convinced their new employer to treat them as "fully vested" for the purposes of p/maternity leave or even just extra time off for a honeymoon. Yoy might not even have to take unpaid leave.

An aside- good paternity leave is the best retention incentive I've encountered. I've twice been ready to leave my megacorp, and both times I've stayed because I had a kid on the way and wanted the paternity leave. Things always got better in the meantime. Besides, I was pretty useless the month after the kid came anyways.

PS- Congrats! You should be a happy man.

That's the approach I've been planning on taking, nice to hear it can work out.

Thanks.

I had a job when my wife and I decided to have a baby. She was about 8 weeks pregnant when I told my manager. I ended up leaving that job when she was 4 months pregnant and disclosed that she was pregnant to prospective employers during offer negotiations.

I wouldn't have taken a job at a company that wasn't supportive. It also allowed me to transparently negotiate around the things that mattered to me.

Thanks for sharing. Did you get any negative reactions from prospective employers when you told them?

Never. They should not be asking you about this so why say anything.

P.S. Congratulations :)

Thanks.

I should have put this in my post.

I have to tell them at some point so I can arrange paternity leave. In the UK you have to have worked for your employer continuously for at least 26 weeks by the end of the 15th week before the expected week of childbirth to get paternity leave[1], and holiday allowance for new employees is usually pro rata based on number of months worked, so I won't be eligible for paternity leave or have much holiday allowance by the time the baby is due. So before I accept an offer I need to know that they will be flexible about taking unpaid leave.

[1] https://www.gov.uk/paternity-pay-leave/eligibility

> So before I accept an offer I need to know that they will be flexible about taking unpaid leave.

Just as long as you understand that some (many? most?) employers will not hire you once you tell them this.

Which is why I'd wait until they make an offer as they are less likely to back out at that point as they've already made the decision to hire me whereas they might (even subconsciously) take it into consideration if I tell them before.

Also, getting offer is valuable information on what my current market rate it.

If you are going to take unpaid paternity leave and this is your first child I would go down the ignorance route. Treat the whole thing as an "unexpected" medical emergency where you have to take time off because your wife/partner needs you. You can do this with little notice and if you plan ahead you can turn the whole thing to your advantage by making the effort to make sure everything continues in your absence. Check in, send lots of baby photos, and don't let the team down and you will look like a hero.

I'm not exactly sure how one would spin childbirth as "unexpected".

"Whoops, turns out my wife was pregnant for the past nine months, who knew?"

The childbirth might not be unexpected, but the need to take time off would be. The op can credibly claim he did not intend to take anytime off at all and it is only because wife needs him and this was unexpected.

I think you're setting a precedence that it is you vs company. If you're upfront and they work around this or even embrace it, you know they are a good company to work with.

I once changed jobs in large part because my wife was expecting, and it was not going to be practical for me to travel for work or to commute so far. For the life of me I don't remember whether I mentioned this at job interviews. But I was in the Washington, DC, area, where for the most part one has a 9-to-5 culture in the IT world.

I'm not sure what you do as I believe your profile is temporary just for this post. But the company I work with is hiring Perl devs and Dev Ops. We're based in Canary Wharf, if you're interested email me (available in my profile).

I know we'd embrace the fact you're starting a family :)

Ethically? If and when you feel like it. Legally? It's none of their goddamn business. Personally? After start of 2nd trimester and I've been on the job 30 days.

You don't. But you should really look at jobs at companies that have well defined paternity benefits.

correction please its your wife who is expecting not you ;)

It's his wife who is pregnant. They are both EXPECTING the baby.

http://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/expect?family=expecting

"Look forward to the birth of a child"

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