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Comment by mreiland | Hacker News Reader

And we can all link hands and sing Kumbaya.

I don't have the mental energy to give everyone I come across the benefit of the doubt. When it's all said and done, the people who don't take the time to try and understand me get dismissed pretty quickly.

I know, I know, that makes me a terrible person. But it's also true that some people are more considerate than others, and all things being equal, if I'm going to expend my limited energy on someone, it's going to be the person who is a little more considerate.

I guess that's my failing, but whatever.

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There is this recorded saying that they've been playing on the subway in NYC... It's trite -- borderline oppressive when you're stuck in a sardine can of a subway car -- but it applies here: "Courtesy is contagious, and it begins with you."

There's no reason for you or anyone else to think you're a terrible person because of what you're saying, but at the same time, it might be helpful for you to reconsider your position. What happens if someone catches you on a bad day in which you aren't trying to understand people? They "dismiss you pretty quickly" and you're left holding the bag.

We're not discussing courtesy.

I can excuse me and hello, nice to meet you all day long without a second thought. But I'm not going to spend my time trying to reconcile with someone who is being unfair to something I said when I could instead be using that time to reconcile with someone who is instead simply misunderstanding me.

there is an idea known as irreconcilable differences, that idea applies here.

It's called "courtesy" on the subway, but the analogous traits are "empathy" and "earnestness" in general discourse. My point was less about the specific trait and more that often times we can encourage/evoke the traits we want to see in others by first developing and portraying them in ourselves. I guess I am looking at the grey area between someone being unfair to you and someone who is misunderstanding you. I think that trying to empathize and understand the "other" often results in finding out that someone isn't actually being "unfair" to us, but rather, is actually "misunderstanding" us. That working point can give way to deeper understanding in a conversation/venture that might have otherwise been discarded because of "irreconcilable differences."

no, this is courtesy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RR5rIv4Qros

If you're not willing to empathize enough to do this for another human being, then you're a terrible person who needs to work to be better.

> I don't have the mental energy to give everyone I come across the benefit of the doubt... people who don't take the time to try and understand me get dismissed pretty quickly.

So you basically demand others spend mental energy on you, but you refuse to return the favor?

This is a very common case. Both sides attempting to communicate their point and get acknowledgement that it's been understood and at the same time neither side making an attempt to understand. Sometimes it's not even a disagreement, just a difference of expression, aka. 'in violent agreement'.

Which is of course a misunderstanding of my point.

The question is going to be will you start telling me what my point is? because I'm not going to waste my time on you.

No reasonable person who has been online for any length of time is going to really argue with what I just said. There is no way you sit and really contemplate and try to communicate as best you can with everyone you come across online, you would never make it out of a single youtube video.

There's how you view yourself and then there's the way you really are. You pick and choose just as readily as I do, the only difference is I'm pretty open about it.

You recognize the irony here, right?

You won't give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but only take seriously the people who offer it to you.

That strategy doesn't seem like it would pan out very well!

check out this video, it's ironic too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jne9t8sHpUc

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