> You know it’s tough to say I can’t be there because my son had a Cub Scout meeting.
I felt a sharp disdain for the managers. Seriously, children growing up is a onetime thing.It's fucked up beyond reason that people accept this, and I'd gladly take a lower paying job so I can be there.
Yesterday my manager asked me what I was doing this evening, and whether I could cover a release in terms of support. As it happens, I can. If I had plans of any kind my answer would have been "Sorry, nope. I've got plans so need to be out of the office by xx:xx".
I hate this idea too. I'm lucky to be able to organize my work as I want to (working in academia). Asking a permission for such a thing sounds so wrong.
However, this freedom comes with a price. I earn much less than most of my friends with the same education level and I have to admit that I suffer (a little) to have a lesser social status and little recognition.
In the end, it's a matter of compromise.
People always tell me, "Oh, I could never do that, I like knowing I have a regular job," but they don't realize that A) they could get fired at any minute just because their boss doesn't like them, and B) I've had the same client for the last 3 years, which is longer than I've stayed at any job I've ever had before.
As long as you're working for someone else, as long as you aren't making the actual profit off of your work, your work will always be treated as a cost center, rather than an income center. You will never be paid the full value of your work, because there would be no point to paying someone to do the work if there were no profit in it for the employer. Ultimately, I'd like to get out of freelancing, but for now, at least freelancing lets me demand a higher portion of the margin. I've found it also seems to set me in a position of being a peer to my client (we are both business men) rather than a subordinate. It's a small difference that makes all the difference.
[1] It's incredibly hard to transition from a job in consulting to a job in a product-based software company. I think it's mostly that there are so few of the latter compared to the former, but I suspect the latter looks askew at people with a history at the former as well.
I'm not an employee, I don't have to pretend to care about career advancement and I get paid for the time I'm here. The money is actually better though I have to sort out my own pension provisions etc.
And I don't ask anyone's permission for anything, because they're my clients, not my manager.
Out of interest was it difficult to start (get your first gig)?
YMMV. If you're in London it's probably pretty easy. Elsewhere you'll need to be financially prepared for the odd two-three month hiatus.
Also, you aren't involved in office politics and you can upwardly delegate any decisions that you don't want to make ("I'm afraid I'm just a contractor, you'll have to ask my manager about that).
As a developer, I really get to get my head down and work hard, which is what I most enjoy about this job.
Need me to work overtime? Pay me.
No delusions about if the company is going to be acquired/give bonuses/advance your career.
Demand what you're worth, leave on time, and never receive an after hour request (because no one wants to pay your over time rate).
I loved the book Red Mars in which children were quite uncommon, so whenever a child was about all the adults would pay them lots of attention. This included bosses.
Some people rationalize it with that making sure their kid lives in a nice house in a nice neighborhood, goes to a great school, has access to all the latest gadgets and gets to to travel the world is the best thing they can do for their kids. And if the cost is that they have to work 14 hour days and hardly ever see their kids then that is a sacrifice they're willing to step up and make.
No saying I agree, but I can certainly see how you could convince yourself that working an 80 hour week is you doing the best thing for your kids and family.
Furthermore while I agree with (having done so myself) saying "Take a pay cut, do less hours.", it is only easy when you are already essentially rich. If "take a pay cut" meant I would have to move my family into a tiny apartment in the shitty part of town I probably wouldn't have such a cavalier attitude about it.
In those careers where there is in fact an intermediate state, it can feel as though it is very narrow and difficult to stay in.
While the parent getting more pay may not really be important to a child, their long-term job security could prove to be essential.
I live in Middle Europe.
The central Europe countries that I know (Germany, Austria, Switzerland, etc.) and western-Europe coutries (France, Great Britain, etc.), there is a choice and most don't work on Saturday or even Sunday (except for certain jobs like DevOps/Admins, restaurants/hotels, factory workers with shifts, etc.). But in some of these countries you also cannot go shopping during the night (shops are only opened from about 9 am to 7 pm) nor on Sunday. You are not allowed to work more than specific hours per week. And even doctors with shifts that last more than 8 hours have several scheduled sleep hours.
I live there-ish too, and it depends on the country.
My wife and I chose to work less by starting our own business so we could spend lots of time with our kids when they were pre-schoolers. It's kinda backfiring a bit now. We are most definitely poor financially.
I have three boys (5, 4, 1) and another baby on the way. I'll tell you: some of the crap these kids do is freaking boring. Seriously. The older two are in T-ball now, and the practices and games are just mind bogglingly uninteresting. I'm glad they're playing, and I'm glad they're learning important life skills like following directions, understanding rules, and especially some physical prowess, but four innings is just numbing, especially when I'm also chasing around/entertaining my toddler at the same time.
Help with homework? Sure. Answer questions, all day long? Hell yeah I'll do that. Teach the oldest to play "Tower of Guns" to introduce him to using the mouse and keyboard? Yup, happy to help. But T-ball practice? God, only if I must. Cub scout meetings don't sound any better.
But you know what? That's perfectly fine. That's why we have coaches. There are also a number of other dads who are interested in T-ball and help out at practices and games. Not every parent has to be interested in every thing their kid does all the time: it's actually healthy for kids to encounter adults in roles other than "parent" and "teacher".
We always cringe in Europe about this thing in American movies/series, where its "so" important for the kid to have the parents be there for their school performance or game, especially when said kid is 12 or 15 or so.
In real life (at least here) most kids at that age would be enbarassed to be seen with their parents.
Sure, they like for parents to be there for some of the important stuff, but not most BS school functions or game practice.
I was more thinking along the line where you have arranged to go the park with your kid Sunday, and play some ball - work better not cancel that more often than not.
Its fun if you get involved either as a den leader/assistant or in the background (I was a treasurer). Its basically your ask questions and give directions but with a 15 kid family, thankfully temporarily. And the other parents can be interesting. Being a treasurer kept me busy.
Its actually kinda a downer when they graduate into boy scouts which is a boy run organization as opposed to cub scouts which is a parent run org. Last night all the parents got to do, other than observe, was provide endless safety warnings about their "chemical fuel" chit training. "So you don't try to find a propane stove leak using a match, right?" and its that kind of stuff all night long.
I should add that I am not suggesting that everyone should follow my example since it is really for everyone to decide how their life is best lived. I know I have not been able to acheive even a fraction of what I have wanted to do in my life, but I don't regret the choices I have had to make. There is only 24 hours a day for every person.
Now all I need to do is figure out how to live for a 1000 years so I can just do some of the things I still want to do.
Lots of private practice doctors and dentists have days off in the middle of the week so they can see patients on Saturday. We don't generally think of dentists as people who are worked so hard they can't spend time with their kids.
So, you should take a pay cut to work the agreed upon 40 hours salary? I don't see why not working unpaid overtime means you should get paid less to not work it.
I just turned 25 and I've worked a few jobs where pretending to work was the norm. It was a drag on me and I was single and in my early twenties. I couldn't imagine doing that while having kids at home as well.
At the same time, this ended up being one of my biggest motivators when it comes to my career. I don't want to end up in that position, ever. If I start a company, I don't want to be that manager. It sucked but it was also a great learning experience so that I know what to avoid in life.
I also hate when HR people or bosses equate the time spent being at work with effort (and let's not talk about efficiency or work output quality.) Being a great parent while working 40 or even 50 hours a week is still a remarquable achievement.
Sure, but it's a onetime thing that takes 15+ years.