Ask HN: Dealing with office gossip | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: Dealing with office gossip

8 pointsyxfdispose9 comments

A few developers at my place of work have lunch together. It's a pleasant diversion from work. We usually make a point of discussing non-work related topics. It started with 2 of us, and other people ended up joining us over time.

However one of the group (who I always suspected of being a douche but haven't worked with directly) has turned the last few lunches into a gossip fest about a another colleague (who doesn't attend lunch and doesn't work with the rest of us). I strongly suspect that this collegue is more competent than him, and this drives his hostility. It's suddenly become a fairly toxic environment Whas the best approach to extricating myself from this group without becoming a target myself?

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That's a very difficult situation. No matter how you turn it, if you stand up for someone you risk yourself to become a target. Because it is not risk-free is why it is seen as a sign of high integrity to do it.

I would talk/email your manager and mention that the amount of gossipping is very high and is affecting your work. If he or she is any good, he or she will already suspect who is originating the gossip and deal with it forcefully. It's no different from awful air conditioning or other workplace environment issues.

If he or she doesn't, then there is nothing to do. Gossippers infect workplaces and soon a majority will join in on it and talk shit about people behind their backs. Been in that situation and it became very toxic. New guys would get back-talked about (especially if they seemed bright) and many left after a few months. The manager was weak and didn't know what to do about it. It was so bad that the gossip-spreaders became the "de facto" managers of the workplace. Nothing to do for me but to quit.

I would respond with, "I don't want to spend lunch talking about people behind their back. Can we talk about ____ instead?"

Very easy. Ask other guys if they are happy with this situation. If not, next time he comes and starts the same conversation again. Ask him to fuck off with his bully gossip stuff. This ain't the place for that. And do this in front of everyone. He won't show up again.

however this seems like an awkward situation I've seen much worse things than that. You won't believe. May be I'll start an ask HN about it.

It's up to the rest of you to change topic. One person shouldn't be driving the conversation unless the rest are responding. Maybe speak with the first few people that joined your lunch group, hint that you preferred it when lunch was a break from work related talk. If the others are ready to change topic, the gossip will die off and the gossiper will learn it's a conversation killer. If he is determined to gossip during lunch he will remove himself from the group - you get your lunch group back to enjoy.

Why not try to carefully stick up for this non-present colleague? As long as you don't make the person who is gossiping feel attacked or belittled, this could effectively discourage the behavior. The trick is to convince the group that you are above petty complaining about others. People who are positive, smiling, and upbeat tend to be more likable than those who are negative and complain, like this gossiper seems to be. Maybe just gently smile and point out the good sides of this non-present person. If the gossiper says something negative about this person, try to downplay it by saying something like "Oh, I've had that happen to me too".

If you really want to leave the lunch, you could have "an important lunch meeting" conflict with this one (ask some other coworker to have lunch with you to ostensibly talk about work), or claim that you have an important deadline to meet and must work through lunch for several weeks. After a while, they will forget to ask you.

The trick to not getting into an argument with this gossiper is to always seem like you have the utmost sympathy their point of view, but you can also defend the other person by playing as if you are extremely sympathetic to them too. You will come off as just a really nice person, and most people will like you for it.

So I solved the problem, I think. The others steered the conversation in another direction. And when the topic did come up I found something to praise about the victim of the gossip (a small thing, since we don't work together), but I deliberately and obviously exaggerated its importance, to signal that I didn't like the one-sided nature of things. That, and the fact that I pointedly ignored him when he started gossiping, seems to have worked.

Thanks to all who responded.

The best thing you can do is be more selective with culture on your next job. Hint, look for married people in their 30s and 40s.

He is married, and around 30. Some people don't grow up.

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