Ask HN: Eliminating Impostor Syndrome?

Your successes are yours. Don't let anyone get under your skin about them. There are good reasons to be grateful for any good fortune that has come your way (e.g., parents that helped you get through college, scholarships, connections or "ins" that helped you get a job), but those things say nothing about your continued success at your career.

As for tactics... It might seem like a monumental task and it doesn't directly address how to handle yourself amongst your existing friends, but how about trying to seek out new friends alongside the ones that you already have? Maybe look at local Meetup groups for people that share your interests (programming? sports?). What about your coworkers? Any chance for socialization outside the confines of the office? Perhaps you'll find people that have achieved similar sorts of successes as yours, such that you won't feel like an outlier. I wouldn't suggest building a complete "bubble filter" around you from the gripes of your friends, but taking their criticisms to heart without seeing what else is out there is also not a great idea.

Alternatively, can you open up to your friends about your lack of relationship experience? Can they help you get acquainted with anyone that might be a potential match for you? Relationships are definitely a "try, and try again, and try again" sort of endeavor, so there's little reason to despair no matter how old and inexperienced you feel.

Good luck... from one internet stranger to another, you're doing great.

> Alternatively, can you open up to your friends about your lack of relationship experience? Can they help you get acquainted with anyone that might be a potential match for you?

They're aware about it, and there's not much that they can do. I'm fishing from a rather small pond, so to speak.

> Relationships are definitely a "try, and try again, and try again" sort of endeavor, so there's little reason to despair no matter how old and inexperienced you feel.

I don't even get a chance to try, really. Too many guys my age are only looking for one-night stands.

> Good luck... from one internet stranger to another, you're doing great.

Thanks :3

If I were you I would work 1-2 nights a week as a waiter. You can take it easy because you are not doing it for the money, can work together with your buddies which makes it more fun, can pick up some social skills you may lack and it makes easier to get know some chicks.

If it works out you owe me a beer...

I'm actually a gay male, so I owe nothing. ;)

I like this idea, but nobody wants me to work two jobs.

I have the same struggle. Unfortunately, the solution is to do something, anything, to start until you become more focused and engaged. Since you do like to read, consider going off the web to some more sustained thinking on the topic. I can suggest 4 titles that have a wide range of perspective on what underpins "Imposter Syndrome" First, Feeling Strong: the achievement of authentic power was helpful to me. It's more than the self help treatment it was given by it's publishers. Person does a nice job explaining what power is and is not, not for political leaders but by everyone and debunks quit a bit of what passes as power exerted. Second, this is typically framed as a women's problem. Linda Babcock from Carnegie Mellon wrote Women Don't Ask negotiation and gender divide that takes up how those with survivor syndrome undercut themselves before they even get their first job forever bending their income curve for their entire lives. Overcomng Underearning by Barbara Stanny was a surprise sleeper to me. It also takes up money, but it primarily a workbook of exercises that really helped me. It's also useful for groups to do the work and discuss together and might get you off the hot seat with your friends. There is a whole chapter devoted to what your earning more does to your relationships including friends. I suggest taking a look. Last, Loneliness by Caciippo and Patrick. Admittedly, this one is not for the faint of heart but it does talk extensively about the phenomena of isolation, real and perceived and what it does to people individually and collectively. And I will admit, one of the best things I ever did was to get a therapist to help me put it all together. It never goes away but with tools and knowledge, it gets easier. What I learned that is most important is that you cant change yourself alone, by reading a book, you do it among other people so the task is finding the right ones to do it with.

Confidence leads to increased success, so your self doubt might be keeping you from even greater job opportunities (meaning more money and probably more fun).

But HN and other online communities aren't good places to gain confidence. It's something you should do with an experienced counselor or therapist. There's no shame in going to a professional to help you internalize your success. In fact, it's smart and humble.

> Confidence leads to increased success, so your self doubt might be keeping you from even greater job opportunities (meaning more money and probably more fun).

Yeah, I worry about that sometimes.

> But HN and other online communities aren't good places to gain confidence. It's something you should do with an experienced counselor or therapist. There's no shame in going to a professional to help you internalize your success. In fact, it's smart and humble.

Yes, I suppose you're right.

This is ABSOLUTELY NOT imposter syndrome. This is insecurity. You obviously feel like your decent salary entitles you to a sense of personal well-being.

It doesn't.

Err no, this was THEIR point not mine. I personally don't care about career success. They argue that I should be proud of how far I've gone instead of feeling like a loser all the time. I don't even parse these thoughts when I try to force myself to think them.

That's still not impostor syndrome, and is still just being aware of (at least what you feel are) failures in other realms.

Success is defined by you, and clearly includes some things you don't feel that you're succeeding in – relationships – so you're not succeeding.

Okay, thanks for clearing that up

Check out Feeling Good by David D. Burns. It's something I came across a while back when battling with my own self-doubts, and helped me tremendously.

It's Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Basic idea being, what you think is what you feel, and what you think isn't necessarily rational or good for you.

I hear ya some furry~! Keep on~ love your drawings ~ best