Stop Complaining in February
complaintrestraint.com
complaintrestraint.com
What I noticed is that not griping not only drastically improves your mood, it also improves everyone else's mood.
There are two kinds of gripes - ones that can actually effect change, and ones that can't. The latter seems to be the useless majority of gripes for me. Especially self-pity complaints seem to be the most egregious.
Not complaining doesn't equate to being hard on yourself or being a rah-rah aggressive and stereotypically masculine human being. It's just that if you're in a situation, and you can't change anything, then complaining just makes you feel bad and makes the situation feel worse. It encourages you to put things off, to make them bigger and more difficult than they seem.
And if you actually can change the situation you're in, then power to you, but go ahead and do something about it rather than /just/ complaining. Or maybe complain /to/ someone who can and will change things.
Many years ago a friend and I went to Yosemite to do a climb on Half Dome. Day one we were humping up to Little Yosemite Valley. It was a hot day and we were starting to grouse about the heat and elevation gain. As we rounded a switchback we were greeted by an enthusiastic "Good morning. Beautiful day isn't it!". Our greeter was wearing an enormous pack and was navigating the trail with crutches and leg braces. After chatting a bit, we carried on and vowed to not complain for the rest of the trip. Day 3 we were heading down to the Valley after completing the climb on the mist trail. It was a high snowpack year and the falls were thundering and true to the trail's name, blowing mist everywhere. We stripped down to shorts and no shirts and were reveling in the feeling of the mist and sun when we encountered a couple heading up the trail. They were in full boating rain gear and as we passed them I heard one say in a weepy voice "this is so horrible!".
The lesson that stuck with me from that weekend: your conditions do not necessarily determine your experience.
The break-up forced me to do a bunch of soul searching. I was talking to a friend at the time, and she told me (in a kind way) that she thought of me as a sarcastic, negative person. I was always looking for something bad to say about the situation.
That wasn't ever how I wanted to appear to people, and I resolved to fix it. I didn't know how to change my actual personality, so I came up with a simpler rule: I just wouldn't vocalize negativity. Instead of opening my mouth and saying something bitter or cynical, I'd keep it shut.
The next couple of weeks were actually pretty rough. All of my normal conversational habits got broken and I ended up in a lot more awkward silences.
Then a funny thing happened. Those awkward moments incentivized me to start coming up with positive things to say. I really wanted to be able to hold normal conversations again, so I needed to build up a stock of good observations to fill those silences with. So, throughout the day, I found myself looking for good observations I could use later.
And, lo and behold, once I started looking for the good in the world, I found it damn near everywhere. And once I started realizing how much good there was all around me, I started feeling better. Then I discovered people around me started feeling better too, because now I was someone who brightened their day instead of souring it.
Of course, I'm not saying I never complain. Sometimes when you're suffering, the most important thing to do is to let people know. And being more positive is a lot easier for me because I've had a pretty amazingly lucky life so far.
But this has had a huge long term impact on my quality of life and to some degree the lives of those around me. And all I really did was stop complaining.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stoicism
The best intro book, in my opinion, is William B Irvine's "A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy".
The main problem I find with simply "Stop Complaining," is how do you do it? What should you and should you not stop complaining about? Do you shut out your feelings about the offending topic, or do you internalize the annoyance and move on? These questions are generally addressed by the Stoics, but I can easily see someone trying to just stop complaining and getting frustrated.
I also picked this book up once before, the project gutenberg version, and I stopped reading after a chapter, because the language was kind of impenetrable and I found myself spending more time decoding what was being conveyed than actually thinking. Then I found the Hays translation (with the red raven on the cover), and I love it now. He prefers clean prose over conveying the original verbiage, which can be convoluted. Of course, there is a certain amount of interpretation in the hands of the translator that comes with that, but I don't think it's enough of a big deal in this case. If you really think this impacts the meaning, you can reread passages in another edition simultaneously. I recommend it, it's not as expensive, and it's a dollar if you get it used.
Greek, oddly enough.
Considering the meaningless, absurd, chaotic nature of the vast universe, is it really worth it to get all worked up over someone stepping on your toes?
See Derek Sivers' notes for that book at https://sivers.org/book/StoicJoy.
Some previous discussion on this:
Finally, some of you may remember that late last year I pledged to disavow online negativity until the end of 2013. I would like to say I was successful in that, but in truth I did slip up on IRC a time or two, for which I apologized to those present. A promise is a promise though, and so I must confess that in the end, the experiment was kind of a failure. What I learned is that real life is not as simple as just trying to 'turn off' the negativity, and that shutting down the valve when the tank is already at pressure is not the best idea. Mostly what I've felt since I realized my self-imposed ban was over was relief. I've learned that expressing negative emotion is as important as expressing positive emotion, it's just a question of how, when, and to whom. So perhaps the real lesson is just learning a bit of self-control and understanding context, and the difference between healthy release and just meanness. Hopefully I know that a little better now. Time will tell.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.
That said, I find it hard to hold on to a negative thought ("don't do X, don't think Y"), so I decided to apply the reverse: I'm going to be happy about the amazing things I have access to in February.
I mean, think about it. Running water! Isn't that amazing?
And think about wifi on airplanes. In the air! Flying! Chatroulette on air! Even on economy class!
I love it when people do things like this, and always try to point out the cool things we take for granted, living in the USA in 2015 (or wherever anyone else may be where you have access to HN). Every time someone plays Spotify on their phone through a portable bluetooth speaker, I geek out a little imagining all the steps necessary to make such a seemingly minor thing happen.
I try not to complain because who cares? All it does it make me dwell on whatever is upsetting me, and no one around you wants to hear it, even if they're courteous and listen. If I'm having a bad day, why would I make my friend's day worse by having to listen to me vent about it? Who wants to swipe through Facebook and read about my neighbor's crying baby? Instead I'll put on some headphones and post a link to whichever album I'm listening to in order to cover it up.
Edit: Maybe I wasn't very clear - I'm not saying venting is a good idea, I'm fairly sure it's considered maladaptive coping (but don't care to look that up this early in the morning). I'm trying to express that it's still a coping mechanism and "simply stop complaining" is wholly inadequacy advice to someone who doesn't have a strong coping strategy in their life.
Yes, it's comes from something called the "hydraulic theory of emotions". The idea is that we have a fixed amount of emotion "stuff" and if we don't let it out, it gets "bottled up" and we keep experiencing it.
My understanding is that psychological research hasn't found any evidence that this model is true and in fact most studies I've seen show evidence of the oppposite: that letting negative emotions "out" actually reinforces them.
A more intuitive counter-argument is that no one seems to positive a hydraulic theory of positive emotions. You don't hear anyone saying, "Don't share your joy or you won't have any left!"
> Complaining is great. We all need to vent from time to time. But many of us also overdo it. Sometimes. In this month, you can see life from a more positive side – and learn about yourself, one complaint at a time.
The website is an exercise of "everything in moderate" pablum. It doesn't say that because it doesn't actually say anything. It appears the author wants to temper their own reactions to stress - which is great - but has extrapolated from themselves to everybody.
The example of rain is given, and I wouldn't be complaining about rain. I just got back from London (UK, not Ontario), where locals couldn't seem to understand that I wasn't being polite, that I genuinely enjoyed their weather compared to home. Being able to walk somewhere for 10 minutes without any exposed skin becoming numb in late January was lovely.
- If you heard someone else complaining about this, would it make you feel good?
- Will anyone else care?
- Does this need to be said? By me? Right now?
- Is this complaint creating positive change?
- Can I rephrase my complaint to address the issue positively?
Ideally, none of the things you listed should be complained about. Just stating your annoyance at a situation doesn't do anyone any good, and it's likely everyone else already knows about it, or doesn't care. Instead, try to address the problem at hand with a solution, or accept that you can't address it and move on.
I've become an opponent of the phrase and mentality of "not giving a fuck". I would rather give a fuck, in a kind, compassionate way.
And yes, I think most people shouldn't complain, but if there is a complaint, it should definitely be to the source of the subject. Complaining to others is avoidance behavior. "Venting" can be useful sometimes, but without analyzing what the problem is, why it made you upset and how you can address it positively, it's useless.
And i'm definitely not promoting apathy. I'm promoting addressing and resolving conflict. Complaints tend to not be compassionate, caring or empathetic. We should be more of all of that.
The closest thing I could relate it to is domestic violence. When a man comes home from a frustrating day of work and beats his wife and kids, he's not just fulfilling a sadistic desire. He's projecting his work troubles on his family, and by assaulting them, righting the perceived wrongs he suffered. Venting is, imho, a version of this, but without the intent to harm.
Such integrity! Even on this issue, they stick to their non-complaining principle!
It's a nice idea, but I don't think this will fly.
I’m a designer, my work consists of giving people critique and telling them what’s wrong with their work, and how to make it better. I couldn’t survive half a day without this.
What this month is about, for me, is getting rid of useless negativity in my life. And that comes from complaining, to a large degree. If you want to tell your congrassman he’s wrong, go for it. If you want to call a company and ask them to repair your product, do it. But stop complaining to your colleagues about the rainy Saturday, and instead tell them about the sunny Sunday that you shared with your friends.
If I had a dollar for every time I heard my mother say that I could pay someone to listen to me complain.