Tell HN: My experience stopping harassment at a company party
"C'mon. Don't be that guy." If I could only pass on one piece of advice, it would be this phrase. This phrase worked out really well. I defused an instance of groping by one of my superiors. I was worried about upsetting him, because, well, he's one of my superiors. But he didn't get mad. He stopped and talked with me instead. Interestingly, his response was something like "C'mon, you don't think I'm some kind of pervert, do you?" More defensive than what my words alone called for.
I was surprised and relieved that none of the 3 got mad at me. They weren't mad at me at the time, and they weren't mad later. I was really worried about this part. Sample size of 3: harassers don't get mad at guys who stop them from harassing.
If words don't work, step forward and take a guy's arm off of a woman who's clearly uncomfortable. I'm not saying default to fisticuffs, of course.
The next work day, I set up a meeting with each of the 3. I'm really glad I did this. It let me get deal with my anger productively, and it let them know that what they'd done had been seen and that it wasn't ok. Based on outside advice, I changed my tone to be one of concern for a team mate who was headed in a direction that would land him in trouble some day. Useful phrases included:
"I'm the kind of person who would want a team mate to tell me if I was making a mistake. And that's why I'm talking to you today."
"You're going to get into trouble if you keep doing the kinds of things you did when we went out."
I told them what I'd seen them do. This turned out to be useful for a reason I didn't anticipate. 2 of the 3 offenders said they didn't remember what happened that night. At least now they know and they know that people notice.