Out of my mind, this should take care of your wife tracking you to kill you, IF she doesn't work for governmentals TLAs. If she does, you're fucked, (remember Saddam or Osama), unless you can quickly build a space ship and move to a random planet OUTSIDE the solar system. If you know an E.T. you may try hitch hiking or an official asile request, if they have such things.
and Stage 2 if Stage 1 will not work:
Better head on down to the flower and chocolates store (you do know her favorite flowers and chocolate or candy right?). Before you go, make sure you have a new iPad ordered and being shipped out to you. If you have an Apple Store or Best Buy near you, head there first to see if they have any available after checking online.
After you have those together get out those pots and pans and start cooking up dinner, cleaning the house, and do anything else she may have been asking you to do for years that you have may have been ignoring. If you cannot cook there is always Boston Market or the grocery store with stuff pre-made and cooked just pick it up and head on home and heat it up.
Goal here is to have something positive that out-ways the negative. If stage 1 will work that is wonderful, if not then work through Stage 2.