Suicide.
Some days you can feel completely fine, have amazing connections with people, love your work, be a completely present and loving parent and spouse. And on really bad days, it feels like the sky has completely collapsed on you and that the only logical thing to do is make the world a better place by leaving it. It may sound silly if you don't suffer, especially when you recognize much of it is brain chemistry, but it is very real to the person experiencing it.
If you know someone who suffers from depression and has communicated to you that they have suicidal thoughts from time-to-time, I strongly recommend that you let them know that you are there for them at any moment when things feel really dark. They can call, text you, get you on the computer, whatever. Things can go downhill extremely rapidly, so if you ever get a 9-1-1 from a sufferer, react immediately. Get to them in person if it's possible or get someone who lives close to get to them, don't stop communicating with them until you do.
And don't try to fix the problem, telling them it's all in their mind. Again, it's all very real. Let them talk, just allow them to express themselves in whatever way it comes from them, it might be sadness, anger, rage, pain. Let them know they are safe to communicate anything with you, even the dark thoughts. I hope none of you have to go through this, but if you do, you might be saving the life of a friend, spouse, child, parent, aunt, uncle, someone many people love dearly.
Edit: I'm not saying this is right/wrong, but there are real consequences to outing oneself as a depressive.
Sometimes it's really difficult to ask for help. Building a support network is one of those paradoxical things... if you don't have one already it makes it even more difficult to build one. And for some people (as it appears in the case of Dan), the saddest thing is that it may not even matter making it worse for those left behind.
"You keep it hidden because for every 1 person who takes your advice and helps you out there are 5 who will write you off as a serious person for the rest of your life.
Edit: I'm not saying this is right/wrong, but there are real consequences to outing oneself as a depressive."
What are the consequences? After dealing with OCD and social anxiety issues from 18 to 28, I finally started to open up and talk about these oddities that conflicted me to others. What I learned is most people I talk to all dealt with something similar. These were just random people I met at work, friends and family members. I wish I talked about what conflicted me before I was 28, I would have been able to enjoy that 10 year span of my life more.
What I am saying is don't think you are alone, think you are crazy the one dealing with ocd, social anxieties, depression - the majority has been there and when you learn/realize that we are the same a huge weight is lifted off your shoulders. In other words talk talk talk about your problems, oddities (obessesive thoughts or actions), social anxieties and depressive thoughts until you are blue in the face. If people are going to look down on you for being a depressive screw them, they are hiding behind their own wall of B.S. - no one is perfect and everyone has dealt with something from the above in various degrees before!
My condolences to Dan's family and friends.
I agree with a sibling comment here that it is vital to talk through these things. If you can't trust your friends, first find someone else to talk to and then find some new friends.
Depressed people don't merely keep it hidden from others; they often develop a coping mechanism of keeping their depression hidden from themselves too.
If you know someone who suffers from depression and has communicated to you that they have suicidal thoughts from time-to-time
The last part of this is the most important part. If someone is depressed and have recognized it then it's very important to provide whatever help you can. But it's also important to not intrude prior to that point; otherwise you risk forcing them to confront their depression before they're ready to do so (not to mention alienating them).
One of the truly insidious things about depression is that the sufferer often knows that it's just brain chemistry, that it's just "all in their head". That doesn't help.
Depression is not a sign of personal weakness, misguided thinking, or flawed character. It's a medical condition, like diabetes or glaucoma. There shouldn't be any moral judgement attached.
There's still a hell of a lot that we don't know about depression. However, there are treatments that help. If you suffer from depression, one of the best things you can do is to find a psychiatrist (an honest-to-god M.D.) that you can trust and work with.
And if you know someone that suffers from depression, bprater is absolutely correct. 100%. Offering someone that kind of support may be more important than you know.
Tom, I wish I could tell you the answers will come with time, but if your experience is anything like mine... Well, I'm still waiting...
My sincerest condolences to Dan's friends and family, you'll certainly be in my thoughts and prayers.
Most of all, don't beat yourself up about this - there was nothing you could have done to have stopped it, and he did what he wanted to do for his own reasons.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I can't say anything else other than that I'm sorry for all of your losses and I hope you do his dream proud.
Sometimes the line can be blurry. Accidental suicides do happen. Especially since there was no note.
Everyone wants to ask these questions, so I don't fault you for asking.
I didn't realize until seeing this that you were the person who found him. Please don't be afraid to seek counselling if you have flashbacks / nightmares / difficulty sleeping / etc -- post-traumatic stress disorder is very commonly experienced by those who find suicide victims.
Suicide is one of those things that I don't think we can ever reconcile in our minds. I've never resolved the questions raised up by my friend's death, but I promise that you do learn to find a quiet place for the feelings that I'd imagine have you mentally turning in dizzy circles right now.
My thoughts are with you. If you'd like to talk please don't hesitate to get in touch.
Take care, Emmanuel.
I second this. A close friend killed herself 15 years ago, and I still think of her, probably at least once a month, and mourn her, and wonder what her life would be like if she were still alive. But that remembrance comes from a quiet place, certainly much quieter than in the months surrounding the event. It doesn't stop, but it does change.
My condolences to all affected by this loss.
That said it is probably a good idea to really get to the bottom of your feelings about it once you get a little breathing room. I mean don't try to 'just push through' and bury yourself in work in order to suppress grief.
What I would ask you to do though is to keep talking about it, as much as you can with people you trust. It'll help your healing. Whatever you do, share your feelings with someone.
It's a puzzle that, despite my only knowing him personally to a limited degree, that I may never understand.
My thoughts and condolences go out to you and the people affected by this tragedy.
I've been through this; never as close as Tom to Dan, but close; and that's what helped me make sense of it. Sometimes it's just a sudden illness, and sudden illnesses are tragic but they happen.
I'm fighting, and I'm slowly getting it back. But it's hard.