Seriously though, having aliases, scripts, or complex programs to help doesn't cripple you unless those things themselves force you into a state you are unable to reach out of.
I've never found myself on a new machine feeling helpless because I didn't have a shell with all the customizations I'm used to; I only felt some annoyance. Said annoyance was far less than the cumulative annoyance I felt before making those changes--and the amount they have saved me since.
There's no zsh or iTerm2, but it is much easier to read. I guess it would be possible to make something that downloads the binaries, sets them up temporarily and opens them.
Just learn how to use the terminal in its default form. We've been doing it for years efficiently.
Not all of us are system administrators who need to be able to work on any Unix system at any times notice, and can only rely on things like ed being installed on them (That's at least the complaint I've read a lot of from people who are against some customization, or learning some kind of non-standardized/ubiquitous program. But what if you get stranded in the Sahara with no laptop, and you have to use a AT&T UNIX PC because the bedouins don't have anything else, and you desperately need to fix something on some boxes 1,000 miles away? Where's your fancy colour schemes new?).