Depression and feeling like an outsider | Hacker News Reader

Depression and feeling like an outsider

blog.jonathan.sh

112 pointsdepreseddev60 comments

1. try an antidepressant, keep taking it without changing the dosage. try this for at last one year.

2. when you feel down and you're feeling worse and worse, try going out and walking for at least 15 or 45 min, or find something to do. breathe. don't stay in one place. don't let immobility and routine drown you. if you can do something that can make you move and make memories, you should do it. depression is a brain which is being less and less active. make it work and sense stuff.

3. try to see the good sides of your situation. you live in a developed country, you eat every day, you have a minimum of education. in many countries, people don't know what the Pythagorean theorem is.

4. if you're young, feeling down is normal. be thankful you're not part of the people who are diagnosed with major depression, or with veterans who have PTSD or any other trauma.

5. depression is normal in our era. there was a recession, and the economy is going towards less human contact. that should mean bigger opportunity for people who have the courage to seek human contact.

As somebody who has suffered from depression and anxiety, this is (mostly) fantastic advice. I waited so long to try an SSRI because so many insist that they don't work. Yet, when I got on 20 mg of citalopram, panic attacks disappeared leaving only occasional situational anxiety, and my major depressive episodes were reduced to just a little occasional sadness (though this is admittedly confounded with a half dozen other measures I took).

Exercise is probably the reason I survived pre-citalopram. For me, the high only lasted while I was running and probably resulted in some overkill cardio, but just having a reliable method to make myself feel better was vital.

Seconded. SSRI's seem to have a stigma around them. A lot of people I know "worry it'll change their personality". For me, it did change my personality. I went from being an anxious mess to being functional. Really wish I had started them sooner.

I'm not on drugs, but I view the years before I went to a psychologist as 80% wasted.

Same here. My old personality mostly comprised avoidance of any behavior that had occurred near a panic attack, which slowly began to cover more and more of the things I once enjoyed. My new personality is dominated by intellectual curiosity. Definitely an upgrade, though it also saddens me how much better my life would be had I started sooner.

Thirded. One of the symptoms of depression for me is anger; if I miss a few days of paroxetine, my temper starts resurfacing. With it, it's possible to notice that I actually have a personality.

This is good advice, but I think it's more helpful (and less dangerous) to share personal experience than give blanket advice. "These things worked for me," is more useful than "These things will work for you."

I agree, but people have really difference experiences with depression. Personality can be a big factor.

I'm just trying to narrow down to easy remedies that actually work in terms of mental health.

I wholeheartedly agree with 1 and 2, but I'm less enthusiastic about 3 and 4. I can't imagine that you meant it this way, but it can sometimes come across as "you have no valid reason to feel sad," which then makes some people feel badly about feeling badly, and the loop closes in on itself. At least that's where I find myself in trouble sometimes...

You're right, but I like to say that just to to make sure people with depression don't redirect their problems towards something else, like politics or people.

I used to blame many things for my problems, including me. I kept thinking about that "positive" mentality, for a long time. It can start to make sense at one point or another. If you're depressed, I think it's important to have a minimum of knowledge about questions on the meaning of life or something like that. If it can make you think in a healthy way and prevent people to turn into stupid things, I don't think it's really insignificant.

Good life philosophy can help you make better choices. I'm not talking about religion, I'm just talking in general, how do you look at the world.

I agree that philosophy won't really help, but it would be stupid to just not talk about it a little.

Anti depressants are not the first option to treat depression. Try CBT from an experienced practitioner, in combination with medication if needed.

2) exercise is moderately better than nothing for depression. Exercise is not better than anti-depressants, although there aren't many studies. Exercise is not better than talking therapies, although there aren't many studies. When you only look at good quality research the benefits of exercise over nothing are less clear. http://summaries.cochrane.org/CD004366/DEPRESSN_exercise-for...

3) and 4) are the equivalent of telling someone to just cheer up. This is unlikely to be helpful and may be harmful.

http://summaries.cochrane.org/CD004366/DEPRESSN_exercise-for...

> This is unlikely to be helpful and may be harmful.

Yes I agree, that it can depend on how it's told. But it's also nice to sometime take the bad thoughts and turn it into lemonade.

Some people might just be slightly depressed and might exaggerate their situation. I know that I don't really have a severe depression, but in my head I always was very scared about it.

I think you must talk about the good things with someone, directly or indirectly, and don't let them drown in their own bad thoughts. People can be self destructive, so it can be nice to point out the good to save them from themselves.

For anyone reading this who is prescribed an antidepressants (SSRIs especially, given that they're mentioned by other commenters), please remember that taking them is just the first step in a process you have to be open about with your doctor. Finding the right medication and the proper dosage for you isn't necessarily going to happen at once--there's often a process of trial and error at work. Some can start having an effect within a few days, others might take weeks. And others (SNRIs like Effexor/venlafaxine, for example) are entirely dose-dependent, where the mechanism of action differs radically.

A good doctor will help you manage this, but it's less about finding the perfect medication and more about finding the best balance between benefits and potential side effects. Just don't let yourself get caught up in the notion that the grass is always greener on the other side.

Walking 45 minutes is a free medicine. Hills especially, by the time you reach the top, the euphoria may already be there, in sync with the view. Quite pretty. Forests aren't bad either.

My cardiologist once said that simply standing up for 30 minutes would do better than any SSRI. I didn't get it at first and ended up taking SSRI for almost a year due to panic attacks, until I managed to replace it with surf fishing. I'd wake up early, go to the beach, watch the sunrise and stay there for a few hours standing up...

Wow, I thought I was the only one who felt that exact way. Luckily I live in Yorkshire, UK, where there's beautiful windswept hills aplenty.

It might not have straightened my teeth and cleared my acne, but daily walking + listening to podcasts pulls me out of my own head.

While I agree with most of what you've said here, I disagree with #5.

Feeling shitty because life is shitty, that's not depression, that's normal. "Depression is normal in our era because bad things are happening to everyone" is like saying "Well, schizophrenia is normal in our era, because sometimes weird things happen that you can't explain". The symptoms may be similar, but that doesn't make it the same thing.

There are increases in suicide when economies hit recession.

It seems reasonable to suggest that some people's depression is triggered by poor economy.

I agree that sadness and grief are not depression and are normal parts of life.

I can speak to you as a black guy in tech ... and just let you know that what you're feeling is not weird. Being black in tech can be very isolating, and being an entrepreneur can be much much worse, I know because I've been there.

I've know the feeling of going to conferences and having to be super friendly and way more jovial than you feel is normal just to get conversations going, all the while feeling like a phony inside. I know how it is to have coworkers stop inviting you to lunch after a while not realizing, that from the outside you've been excluded from a 'clique'. I know the feeling of people either thinking you're not friendly and avoiding you, or that you don't know shit and avoiding you, or worse being patronizing to you.

I remember trying to be friendly with everyone and having people kinda just ... ignore me. It hurts and can make you retract into a shell. At work, that makes things worse, because then you get tagged as "not a team player"

It can really really suck, but what you have to do is not let that beat you and make a strong effort to go and find people that you can get along with and cleave closely to them. The gift of the situation is that you can actually get some really close friends, because people that vibe with you probably don't vibe that well with others in your field. They'll probably share the same frustrations and fears as you and they'll look out for you.

So pick your head up and go back out there and do it all over again, don't stop doing what you're doing, but instead of spreading yourself thin trying to befriend everyone, think of yourself as an acquired tast. Be more selective with the people you approach, try to build the deep friendships that will first help you not feel isolated. then from there you can go on to just be yourself, and everything should just work out.

cheers

Having treated thousands of patients with depression, I appreciate the courage it takes for the author to "open up" about his experience during an episode of depression.

Adding to the other comments made, I'd emphasize major depression is a serious illness, every bit as "physical" as other diseases. It's a leading cause of disability worldwide, and affects >8% of the American population any given year. The economic burden of depression in the US is truly staggering: costing the nation nearly $200 billion a year.

Depression often responds to one or more forms of treatment. Medications can often help but significant side effects are a risk. Psychotherapies, CBT and interpersonal therapy have proven effect. Exercise, nutritional factors, light exposure, social support have all been shown to be beneficial to some degree.

The most important thing to do is seek competent help from one or more resources. There is no simple or singular "answer" to a hugely complex problem. There's no recipe or formula that will work the same in any two people.

Treatment has to be "custom fit" for each person, that is the art of medicine in the real world. Finding what works may not be quick or easy, but the effort usually pays off. No cure is promised, but most patients do make progress.

Success may not be easy, but I am stubborn, insist on keeping at it, using every tool at our disposal, and say "it's not a failure until we stop trying".

The OP actually has an extraordinary amount of what psychiatrists call "insight" concerning his condition. That is to say, he is not only depressed, but knows he is.

It might sound utterly implausible that someone could be clinically depressed and not know it, but I think that's the more common circumstance. People experiencing depression very often can't see that depression is the problem. They think the reason they feel worthless is because they're worthless; the reason they're listless is because they're lazy; the reason they don't want to be around people (when they normally would) is because people don't like them.

So to be able to put a name to this -- to say, "Wait. This isn't right. None of this is normal" is huge step forward. Same goes for mania (which can make you feel euphoric or angry and irritable).

Some never get to the point of realizing that there's something wrong and it's not their fault (any more than having asthma would be their fault). And some of those people die from this potentially deadly illness.

How can you help people who don't realize this and would refuse any suggestion to seek advice? I fear my mother might be struggling with this since she was laid off last year but actively refuses to have conversations about how she might feel. 1/4 of my blame lies in Irish culture however :/

It's tough! (And I can relate to you on the Irish cultural issues as well, since my mother is from Ireland and I grew up mainly around Irish people).

Mostly, it's a matter of getting them through the psychiatrist's door. Hearing, "I think you might be depressed" or "Why don't you go see someone" -- however you frame it -- is going to be tough to hear from a son. A therapist, though, knows how to ask the right questions, and since they're a neutral third party, they're much more likely to get a person to admit that there's a problem, and that the lost job may have been merely the catalyst for what is now a medical problem.

Depression is less and less stigmatized in the US (I don't know about the situation in Ireland). But in a sense, that doesn't matter. It's the person's own self-stigmatization that is the problem. They don't think they have a medical problem; they think they're worthless, sad, listless, and perhaps "crazy." Going to a psychiatrist will automatically mean that they are crazy.

I am not a mental health professional, but in my view, it's worth trying any trick you can think of to get them through the door. Maybe that means a group/family intervention (and maybe that means she's angry at the entire family for some period of time). Maybe it means cutting deals ("If you just make this one appointment, I'll never mention it again."). Maybe it means an emotional appeal ("Please, please do this for me.").

Whatever the case, extreme measures sometimes are necessary. Because -- and I don't mean to frighten you -- this is a deadly illness. People commit suicide every year because they see absolutely no reason to go on. A heartbreaking number of those people were suffering from a treatable condition.

First of all, you're just plain fucking awesome you don't know it yet. I feel like I've meet the exact same people who aren't welcoming to people who are new and learning. The solution is simple, leave and find a different set of people/meetup. I've gone for meetups that are plainly a bunch of people in suits looking to make money of someone else's idea, and I've never returned again. Be courteous and leave, because they aren't looking out for any else's interest except their own.

I just got back from a hackathon myself, and I was lucky enough to meet a majority of people that were just excited to met others and learn new things. Look for people similar to yourself in those situations and try to start with small amounts of positive "what if?" questions to yourself when you get questions like that OR teach yourself to plain ignore that memory of your interactions with those people - it's not worth your time caring about it.

Good luck and hope to hear more from you!

The post is ostensibly about depression and race, but this quote really stuck out for me, "All this happened simply because, for once, I felt that there was someone who didn’t treat me the same way everyone else did." Who hasn't longed to feel that same connection? I've always loved the outsideriness of hacker culture and I hope we don't lose it. What potential would we unlock if we embraced our differences instead of policing the border?

My 2 cents Jonathan - I've done this, and it might help, but I don't know you (yet) so maybe not:

There's people who make you feel better, and others who make you feel worse. Spend more time with the former, and less time with the latter. One by one, more people like Michael will help you realize you that you belong.

Yes for screaming! There was a super-dark time in my life where I literally did not know where to go. I was in my car, on some off road, being totally crazy and screaming and crying out loud. Did I have a choice? Actually no, it was unbearable. I don't know what would have happened if I didn't have a safe place to go wild in this way. After this, I was glad to know someone to call then.

This is a serious issue with our "industry". Too much ego and dogmatic belief. Many developers keep to themselves and don't share for the fear of someone else knowing more or to maintain some perceived edge.

I really identified with your post. And I'm jealous of your courage.

I had a lot of crappy stuff happen when I was younger, and I still struggle with depression and anxiety from it.

I wrote about it once. But anonymously: http://boingboing.net/2013/01/05/pedagogyofthedepressed.html

I don't think I could succeed, professionally, if I had that kind of thing out there under my real name. And it really hurts, to feel like you have this secret you have to carry around lest people refuse to hire you.

I can't begin imagine what it must be like to also then be part of an underrepresented group. But I admire your bravery.

it's kind of telling that he posts about alienation rooted in this community excluding him and most of the responses here are telling him how he can change himself

People that become programmers have a tendency to have very poor interpersonal skills. Some of us gravitate to programming because it lets us limit our amount of human contact, for others it gives us something to feel superior about.

I can't claim to fully understand what the author is feeling but I can empathize. I am an average looking white guy and I also feel like a complete outsider.

I guess I've mostly given up on fitting in at this point. I rather be alone than feel the anxiety of trying to fit in with a group. I want people to be happy, healthy, and successful... just at a distance.

Here's a trick that has sometimes helped pull me out of ruts:

Once a day, find three new things to be grateful for or about.

These things don't need to be anything monumental -- the idea is to force yourself to search.

I'll admit that at first, this can feel self-condescending or humiliating -- but bear in mind this is between you and yourself. Treat it like a game; try approaching it tactically. After a few days of trying it, it seemed to work for me. Some studies have found that keeping a journal[1] enhances the effect.

This shouldn't be confused with incessant "positive thinking" (which is generally bad advice[2]). The key difference is that you're not suppressing negative thoughts or trying to "drown them out" with positive ones; it's merely a brief, daily exercise.

Of course, this obviously isn't a cure-all for depression; just another tool for your toolbox. You should seriously consider therapy if you haven't tried it yet.

[1] http://lesswrong.com/lw/i0c/for_happiness_keep_a_gratitude_j...

[2] http://www.forbes.com/sites/janbruce/2013/11/19/how-positive...

I have mild depression, and one of the best treatments I have found is martial arts. Physical activity in general is helpful, but martial arts in particular has a very calming effect. Most people assume it has something to do with pounding the crap out of a punching bag, but it is more than that. There is a big emphasis on overcoming your limits, and this has a very positive effect on self-esteem.

It also teaches you how to look inward at your own flaws. In martial arts, if you can't do a technique, there are no teammates to blame. It's on you to persevere and keep trying until you get it right. But you don't want to hurt your training partner, so you have to stay calm and focused no matter how frustrating it gets. And when you do get it, it feels amazing. That confidence and calmness carries over into other areas of your life, and you feel like a million bucks.

A few other students in my class told me that it had a similar effect on them. To be clear, it won't replace proper medical treatment, especially for severe depression. But I highly recommend it as an additional form of treatment.

I'm not black. I'm a white male. I have five degrees including a PhD from an Ivy League school, I've been published in nature twice, Harvard Business Review, bla bla bla. All great on paper. But if you meet me in person, you'd never know that. I come across as a person of average intelligence (at best!), and I can tell you that I've always (at least at first) been treated like an outsider in high performing circles. I remember my second year of computer science when we had our first big group assignment, and no one wanted me in their group because they assumed I was a slacker of low average intelligence. Little did they know at the time that I was one of the top programmers in the class. Eventually everyone found out, and you know what, they liked me even more for it. But it's an uphill battle whenever you are different.

That said, I'm not walking in your shoes. Maybe it would be the same, or maybe it would be 10x worse or 100x worse. What may help is two pieces of advice: (1) when you're in high performing circles if you don't talk and act like others in your group they'll assume that you're an outsider. Ironically, humans are simply not smart enough to look beyond the first set of superficial data points before they make a decision and so people react according to their experience. It may not be right, but it is. So if you're entering a foreign group and you WANT to be accepted, then you're going to need to act in a way that is familiar to them. (2) Something I heard once from Indra Nooyi: "Always assume positive intent". That is, sometimes people think negatively about us, and sometimes we read into things. If you think that people have good intentions then try to make the second your null hypothesis. Even if you're wrong you may win some of these people over, and when you're right you may give people important benefit of the doubt.

I see that one of the Nature publications was the endometrial cell transposon work in Nature Genetics - may I enquire as to the other publication?

Survival of The Sparsest, in Nature's Systems Biology.

Blaming your lack of fitting in on being black, and buying into this bullshit your head is telling you is your real problem.

I've felt the exact same way you describe in this post, but instead of "black", insert "short", "ugly", or any number of excuses I can come up with for why I don't fit in, and people don't like me, and it's not fair, and it's everyone else's fault. Bullshit. People aren't friendly to you because as a severely depressed person, you're probably a real bummer to be around. You probably look awkward, uncomfortable, and generally unapproachable.

You need to stop blaming society for your isolation and start working on shifting your shitty perspective. Some things that have helped me immensely are exercise and mindfulness meditation. Talking about your feelings helps too - as long as the people listening aren't just going to co-sign and feed into the depressive, self-pitying garbage that you're spitting out.

P.S. Feel free to contact me if you want to change.

Wow, all this time, all these people that have been suffering, they could have been cured with some positivity. We should probably start telling everyone and put a stop to all that "self-pittying garbage". If only they knew this crazy secret, maybe we wouldn't have lost so many amazing people to suicide.

Yes, "shitty perspective" doesn't help the way people treat you, but that's exactly why depression is so dangerous. It's this inward spiral of worsening and worsening conditions and no matter how "positive" you try to stay, there's no chance of swimming against that current. I mean, did we learn nothing from Robin Williams. Dude was nothing but positive on the outside, while inside he was obviously suffering horribly.

How about instead of blaming Jonathan (or anyone else suffering from depression), you acknowledge the real danger that depression presents. Shit, that's half the problem right there. There's such a large stigma surrounding depression that people are afraid to even try to open up never mind getting treatment. Your comment only proves those inner fears are true, which ironically makes it that much worse.

Lastly, just because someone co-signs your depression, doesn't mean they're feeding in to it or even that they're opinion will even have any affect on it worsening or improving. You know what does make it worse though, ignorant comments on the internet telling you it's all in your head and there's this "one simple hack" to eradicating it.

I'm speaking from the perspective of someone who has actually suffered from severe, crippling depression, and in my experience, the greatest danger is feeding into this fantasy world the depressed mind conjures. My post is acknowledging this "real danger".

I also never claimed there was "one simple hack". As someone who deals with depression on a daily basis, I offered what I think are a few of the most important tactics for keeping it at bay.

I speak from experience, so please don't write off my comment as "ignorant".

This is one of the most important things a person who feels like an outsider can read. Even people who are not depressed fell that way. It's a basic part of the experience of being human - but you can see past it.

C.S. Lewis - The Inner Ring

http://www.lewissociety.org/innerring.php

Generally speaking, tech groups are not as friendly as non-tech groups. I'd recommend getting involved with some non-tech groups. There are so many worthy causes to volunteer for. And, if that's not your thing, there are plenty of groups that are all about having fun. In any case, don't rush to judgement on any group. I've found that if you show up enough times to a group's events, then you will be seen as a "regular", and that means many people in the group will be much friendlier towards you. I'm suggesting that you try lots of things, and don't rush to any conclusions. There have been plenty of instances in my life where I thought about quitting an activity, and today I'm so glad I didn't. Our world contains people who are able to climb Mount Everest. You might be shocked to find out how vast your capabilities really are.

Three things which I like: dance (my favorites are west coast swing, waltz, foxtrot, and salsa), poetry (even if you don't write, go to readings), and improv. Lessons are important both for learning and becoming part of a group.

Those of you writing messages to the OP - I'm not the OP. I followed his feed after his last depression post because I deal w depression too. I sent him a note to let him know I posted to HN - dunno if he saw it. He's usually active on twitter so I would message there if you want to reach out.

Sounds like there's a mix of imposter syndrome and minority status somewhere in there, and each can make the other worse.

And attitude can really affect how we perceive ambiguous reactions from other people. If you think you're a ninja rockstar, you're going to ignore the tepid responses that might discourage someone with a weaker ego. I think we could all do well to be more inviting and encouraging, especially if we organize or attend meetups. Meetups in my area each have reputations for how friendly or how stuck-up they are: Ruby is pretentious, JavaScript is welcoming, PHP is warm and casual, Python is somewhat neutral. But sometimes it's just one person who tilts the entire meetup.

As someone around the same age, this problem of depression seems to have affected almost everyone I know our age at some point. It is normal to feel depressed and down, especially at this age. I don't claim to have any answers, but as my best friend is going through a similar depression episode at the very moment, the article stuck a chord with me. My only advice is just to remember your situation can be changed in a short amount of time. People tend to get stuck into routines and not realize the vast amount of freedom they actually have, especially when they are young and free to do almost anything.

Yes, you're right. Depression is more common than AIDS, cancer, and diabetes combined; and nearly 400,000 people attempt suicide in the US every single year. Those are only the cases medically documented. Depression and suicide are more prevalent in high socioeconomic environments and nations with higher quality of life. Depression is actually more likely to make you an insider than an outsider.

This author fixates on his local software developer and entrepreneur peers (depression can make it difficult to perceive interpersonal interactions objectively) but what he doesn't realize about them is that if you're lucky enough to be born in a country where you can pursue software and entrepreneurship as a teenager (especially in a world-class city full of opportunities like Boston where he lives now) you're MORE likely to be depressed or suicidal than the majority of the world's population who could only dream of having the life and access he has. They experience the same thing, and he is far from alone.

Feeling like you belong/the sense of belonging is a very powerful feeling that is hard to find, especially if you haven't learned it as a kid.

Brene Brown has some excellent advice on this, watch her TED talks, they are rather good!

I haven't been black but I have been an entrepreneur and I have been depressed (at the same time). Being a hacker and an entrepreneur is extremely isolating. You are literally forging a path forward and everyone is a doubter and a hater and you'll find very few people who will believe in you. Don't let that stop you - build something you believe in, solve a problem, find someone who will pay you and then do it again faster.

It sounds like you know this already but you must hang in there. The feeling will pass with time... let it pass.

It can be very hard sometimes to separate out the "Reality" thoughts vs. "We're all doomed" thoughts. There is a difference, often.

You are fully right that a good relationship is what makes you feel you exist and that life is worth it. Sometime you are lucky and find excellent relationship partners and sometimes it's so so.

There is something you wrote in your text that caught my attention. What do you mean by feeling exploding inside ? Is this like a strong tension inside ? Like the opposite of depression ? Could it be a light form of bipolarity ?

I wonder which community he was referring to that he felt so alienated from. Some communities have a lot of cynicism built into it for some reason.

I recognize the writer from an excellent talk he gave on C extensions at BostonRB not too long ago. He struck me as a really talented and smart guy.

It's always weird to see the amount of well meaning but misguided medical advice tossed out by people who have no medical training and who probably haven't been reading the research.

Here's what should happen if you were in England: http://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg90

Sorry to hear about your situation. If it helps, I can relate somewhat, as a founder who has struggled with depression at times. I wish I had some magic incantation to give you to help, but unfortunately I don't. I can say this though:

1. If you ever just need somebody to talk to, feel free to give me a shout.

2. Fish-oil is widely considered to be an effective over-the-counter / natural supplement that helps with depression. I've used it before and seen noticeable results.

3. Regarding feeling like an outsider: Maybe you are an outsider. And maybe that's not a bad thing at all. Maybe consider a worldview where your outsider status is irrelevant or even a positive. Try reading The Fountainhead or some Nietzsche for inspiraton?

4. You may find some value in reading the philosophy of the Stoics[1]. The Meditations[2] by Marcus Aurelius might be a worthwhile read.

[1]: http://www.iep.utm.edu/stoicism/

[2]: http://classics.mit.edu/Antoninus/meditations.html

I'd be cautious recommending Nietzche to the depressed.

or the fountainhead to anyone

I am bipolar. Right now I am in a fluctuating depressive episode I am trying with my several drugs to escape without, and this is tricky, without flying into mania. Usually I am on top of this - happily married, good job, good life, haven't been psychotic in many years. Episodes generally minor in depth or elevation, brief, and few and far between.

But right now I am not on point and it's affecting my job, and my perception of how good it is and possibly a major decision I might make under the influence, if you will, of too little or too much serotonin, whether or not to jump ship in pursuit of greener pastures or some strong paranoia that I will be fired or that my team's project will get canned.

I am disengaged, not enjoying it, disengaged socially from my team, I am way behind in my email (work and personal), I ducked out at 2pm today to go lie in bed, I am unsure if I am dissatisfied because I have good reason to be or if my perception is distorted by the depression.

My Zoloft kicked in last week and I felt as though I had the best and most productive two days in a row, following two sick days I felt compelled to take. So another challenge is to figure out whether my suddenly improved impression of my job was distorted by hypomania. Bipolars need to be careful with SSRIs, but a calculated risk for me now.

Bipolar is dangerous to disclose. But I fear I may be testing my boss's patience and disclosure would buy me latitude but I'd only do that concealing that I am struggling with manic depression, rather just garden variety depression. Or with levity, that I have a tummy ache, but in my mind.

I guess I'll try to correct myself medically and keep my mouth shut, and consider having this in my back pocket if I leave early one too many times. Though my boss and team are smart people, and many people have some familiarity with mental illness, so my money's on his already knowing I have a few screws loose. Which might be why he didn't inquire about the nature of my sudden illness, instead being quite accomodating even on my request for second day. I'm grateful for that, though I can't help but read into that.

One thing I envy about gays, in addition to their charisma and fashion sense, is how much less trapped in their closet than I am in mine (or so I suspect). Gays don't have a reputation for going postal. People fear bipolar folks even if they are "high functioning" and treated enough to blend in. I guess I would too in their shoes.

Wow that was long, sorry, but my sudden loquaciousness is a sign I may be escaping my depressive episode in this therapeutic comment box. Thanks, Hacker News! ;)

Tianeptine might help: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tianeptine

I'm glad I got to read this. People should see the struggles others have to go through. Thanks for sharing!

You shouldn't care about the egos you run into at these meetups and hackathons. The majority of them were the beta males of their high schools and haven't accomplished anything other than having 50 followers on github.

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