Ask HN: How do you balance being a dual-income household with a baby?

We decided one of us would stay at home or we would hire a nanny. After A LOT of research we found that daycare services does not replace focused attention. I'm a strong advocate against putting less than 2 years old in childcare unless you absolutely need to. They need focused attention and the cognitive difference between kids that used childcare and had focused attention (at 2 years old) is very visible. Does that causes long term IQ disparity? Probably not, but it's something to consider. Specially if you feel that your child is developing fast and in need of stimulus. (this is visible at 6 months old).

We hired a full time nanny. Yes, it's expensive and takes a substantial part of one of our incomes but by doing that we had both a focused attention of a human and could keep our both jobs as we wanted. My wife only went back to work 6 months after the baby was born. This is our daily schedule:

7:00) Nanny arrives starts working on baby things (food, etc), me and my wife play with our daughter until 9, she usually wakes up somewhere between 6 and 7.

9:00) We both leave to work, nanny takes the wheel, at this point baby is tired and takes a nap

12:00) I come home to play with her a little bit and unwind for 30 min, then head back to the office

17:00) We both arrive, nanny leaves (I usually get earlier) we spend time with her until 9

21:00) Baby sleeps, I get back to work until 00:00, my wife is either studying or working

When the nanny is taking care of the baby she is doing a list of activities we both discussed (since the nanny is a pro), the baby also is always in contact with other kids, we pay a child care to let our daughter stay there for a couple of hours with our own nanny.

This is how we are doing, there isn't a right or wrong way since children are usually so unique in the way they develop.

Childcare is a thing people feel really strongly about and there is clearly no right answer. It's all about what's best for the kid(s).

"They need focused attention and the cognitive difference between kids that used childcare and had focused attention (at 2 years old) is very visible."

I think this is true for some kids, but not mine. My kids both started daycare at 13 months. The caregiver to child ratio was 1:2 until about 20 months, then it was 1:4.

My kids at 3 and 5 are more verbal and handle social situations better than any other kids I know. The have the ability to focus on tasks like no other kids I've spent any amount of time with. Maybe this is genetic or was a result of being home full time with their parents for the first year of their lives. (The norm in Canada)

We decided against a nanny because of what we saw in the neighbourhood. The nannies we saw were most of the time detached from the situation and not paying attention to the kids. The interactions were generally not positive. It was rather sad to see.

An accredited daycare on the other hand is staffed by professionals where non-positive interactions are not tolerated. Staff can take breaks and get help when they need it.

It took us a long time to find a daycare we like though.

We went through all this over the last few years with two kids and grandparents/family on the other side of the country. Both of us work full time and have the kids in daycare. I live in Canada though where a parent (mother or father) is given 12 months of leave after the birth of a child, so the first year is a lot less stressful than it could be.

If you're letting your house get dirty and the lawn grow wild it sounds like you're doing a good job or prioritizing things. It can be a tough thing to let go of, but anything not directly related to your health or paying bills can wait until you have more time.

"Life feels like one long, never ending to-do list where we can never perform well in any area of our life (work, being parents, home, etc), and we're both exhausted."

Yes, it's really fricken hard at times. There is no other way to put it. If you have family nearby, get as much help as you can from them.

This is cheesy and annoying advice, but live in the moment when you're with your kids. The days are loooong and the years are so short.

> The days are loooong and the years are so short.

I've never heard it put into these words before. This is a perfect description of being a parent.

I also like that and agree it's the perfect way of expressing the perception.

You're not alone - this happened to all parent with very young children that I know, whether both work or not. Keep struggling, it gets better.

I have one son, now 3 years old and a spouse who is also a coder. Here's how we did it:

When son was born, my spouse took 6 months off work whilst I continued to work full time. We were exhausted, house was a mess, lawn not mown etc. It was HARD, but we coped. Mum got to take a couple of short holidays, which helped her a lot.

At 6 months, Mum went back to work 2 days/week, with son attending childcare on those days. These are long days for us and son but great for his socialisation, learning etc. Mum gets to have an adult conversation and exercise her brain. House/lawn still a mess.

At 12 months, son started crawling. We had to learn to tidy up just to get the dangerous/breakable things out of his reach. Lawn still a mess, house is a little bit better.

At 2 years, son started walking (late developer, I know). He can now follow around the house as we do simple chores, but he also learned how to switch off the vacuum.

At 2.5 years, he is happy playing on his own just knowing that one of us is nearby. Mum & I can now tag team on weekends, she cleans whilst I sit with him or I mow the lawn whilst she reads him a story. House & lawn start to recover but we can't take on big projects.

At 3 years, son is potty trained. Words cannot describe just how awesome this is: we can go places, we can do activities, we can be people again!

Mum still works just two days/week but also has a side business and volunteers for some committees, flexibility is still very important. Son has childcare, kindergym, swimming lessons, early learning so lots of variety and learning opportunities. There have been some low points (kids get sick), but also small victories to celebrate.

We have a 2 month old and it's not. It takes discipline to focus on what you NEED to get done versus what you WANT to do.

I would recommend a checklist of things (like mowing the lawn and cleaning) and figuring out how long those things take and then start to schedule when you can do them. Apply project management to your home.

The good thing is that you can buy yourself time. For example, pay a neighbor kid to mow the lawn. 1 hour of time saved for $20 - $30. Pick up dinner versus making it.

If cleaning the dishes is a hassle, switch to paper plates for a week to buy yourself some time to get other tasks done.

Established schedules and routines will give you some structure to get that time back.

Keep in mind that if the house is a mess, the lawn isn't mowed, and the dishes are piling up, it will add to the anxiety of life getting away from you so try to take an extra minute to complete a task (get the mail, sort it, and put bills in an area to pay later all in one motion versus piling it up to go through later).

The good thing is that you have a spouse to help share in the duties.

I can't imagine how tough it is for a single parent.

My wife and I have been doing this for the past 5 years with two children that are now 3 and 5.

The key enabler for both of us has been working remotely. We have a good preschool just across the street, so there is no commute to work or school for either of us. In the first year for the second child we had an in-home nanny and we were both in the house in the event that she needed something.

This arrangement provides enough cushion to absorb the occasional out of town trip, sick kid (we trade off when that happens), and just being around to let the lawn guy in, house cleaner, etc.

Also we live in a low cost area and work remotely for CA-based companies so our income is in a sweet spot.

So my advice is to start paying for lawn/house care and find a way for one or both of you to eliminate the commute. This will allow you to keep working while making you feel less overwhelmed.

Do you have help from either of your parents? Many of my friends who are trying the dual-income parenting thing (especially my friends from China for whatever reason) will tend to have one of their mothers come and live with them, especially when the baby is young. If you live far from family members who can help, then you're trying to do TWO difficult things at once:

1. Dual-income parenting. 2. Parenting without extended-family support.

You need to recognize that this is a thing. You may see other dual-income families and think "they make it look easy" but fail to realize that they are not attempting the same challenges you are. So don't feel discouraged if you can't do what they do. Either set your sights lower (one challenge at a time!) or try to get that help.

Are the grandparents in the picture? I know my parents would have no problem watching my baby a few times a week. Throw in the other set of grandparents and you're gold.

I'm an interaction designer and have 2 kids, ages 2 and 5. During the school year when my husband has his full-time public high school English teaching job ("English" = "tons of lengthy essays and never caught up until the end of the school year"), I am barely treading water. I dream of quitting constantly. It. Is. SO HARD. To afford the Bay Area mortgage in a modest little home, I work full-time year round, from the office 2-3 days a week, the other days from home. The WFH helps, but it's not the panacea people think. You save time on the commute but you are surrounded by the things you didn't prioritize (read: mess, unfinished to-dos) because you prioritized your kids and bills higher. And because you're home, your work stops (if you're Mommy) when the kids come home or when you pick up, whereas if I'm still at the office, I can (guiltily) still work an extra hour while my husband deals with pickup and dinner for both kids. It's a trade-off, really.

Husband handles groceries and dishes and most cooking. We order more takeout/delivery than my parents ever dreamed, maybe once or twice a week. That helps a bit. I handle laundry and everything else, including hiring help to clean our house every two weeks, all the bills, money- and health-related stuff, clothing, school-related anything, buying whatever we need for the house, and I'm the person who drops their job when I get the dreaded and frequent call that one of my kids is sick at school, and then has to stay home while they recuperate and either burn a sick day and then inevitably my vacation days, or "work from home" meaning divide my attention ten ways from Sunday.

We live across the country from all our family except my younger brother who is not in a position to help watch kids. We do it all ourselves. So hard. I think about moving all the time but almost all our relatives whom I'd trust to watch our kids in a pinch all still have day jobs. In reality they couldn't help. The one whom I'd trust has her own toddler to look after and I wouldn't want to dump my sick kid on her so that her own child gets sick. My parents are retired but I don't trust them to watch our kid. So moving across the country to be near family wouldn't improve our situation at all. I think about moving to a cheap place where we could own the house outright, which would help some, but I did the math and I would still need to work at least part-time to pay the rest of the bills. And then I'd be stuck in upstate NY with its freezing winters and sweltering summers. So I haven't made the leap yet. I'm hangin' on, in protest sometimes.

Our summer time schedule is more lax and I'm just figuring out this year's schedule at a new elementary for the older one, but it will go something like this.

----- start -----

6 - 6:30) every damn day, 2yo wakes up and makes Mommy get up

6:30 - 7:30) I diaper, dress, feed, and pack lunch for the 2yo. (I can not pack ahead of time - picky guy only eats soup or dumplings which has to be warmed up and put in a thermos in the morning.) In that time, I also shower and get dressed, and my husband wakes up, showers, eats, and gets dressed.

7:30) Husband takes 2yo to daycare and goes to teach

7:30 - 8:15) 5yo wakes up, rush through morning routine: potty, get dressed, eat, tame her long hair, brush teeth. At same time, shove food in my face and pack AM and PM snack as they are not provided by school. Get out the door.

8:15 - 8:30) I take 5yo to school

8:30 - 4:30) Work/school/daycare. If working from office, hour-long commute for me from Lake Merced to downtown on Muni. Same if I drove to nearest BART with parking. Joy.

4:30 - 5:15) Husband picks up both kids OR

4:45 - 5:15) Husband and I split kid pickup if I'm working from home (see? save time commuting, spend time picking up kids)

5:15) cook, eat dinner, 2 allotted TV shows, play, see spouse if I've WFH

7:00) baths/pajamas, reading. If I worked in the office, I come home around this time.

8:00) one last snack

8:30) brush teeth

8:45) bed - I lie down with them as I still nurse my 2yo and enjoy the snuggle time. It means I don't get things done like other parents, but it won't last forever and I know they'll grow up fast.

Middle of the night) I wake up from typically having fallen asleep with the kids, and cross things off my to-do list or catch up on work I never finished

6 am) Do it all over again, maybe having gotten a few more hours sleep, sometimes having worked all through the night

----- end -----

There's no exercise in that schedule, no watching shows regularly. I could fit exercise in the workday but feel guilty at how much time I have to spend with family as it is, so I am loathe to take more attention away from work (except when procrastinating by commenting on threads like this!)

I know other people would make different choices and criticize mine, tell me I could fit in more if I moved this or that around, but fwiw that is our life, that is how we're getting by at the moment, to answer your question.

I wish you all the best. Each family situation is different and I'm sure you'll find something that works, even if barely, haha. And once it works, it will change. :-)