Ask HN: Took a new job, not happy, but baby is coming

My 2 cents.

You are stressed both from the new job and the pregnancy, and you are bit confused by what's lying ahead. This is normal and would be weird if you were not reflecting on yourself at this time of your life.

Getting a child will in any case change your life rather dramatically, but this is really not such a big deal, many people have been there before, in a few weeks/months you'll have adapted to the new normal. However, I don't think it makes sense to try to change your situation right now. I would wait at least 15 months (pregnancy + some time to make some adjustments to your life). You'll probably have a clearer view at that time of what is important to you, how is your new schedule. You will discover new priorities you can't imagine or that you overestimate today. So the question is, are you ready to keep your job for another 15 months ?

The second point of your post seems to be your dissatisfaction with your new role, and that you can't find your place in your new team.

> Being the guy constantly trying to change how work get’s done makes people not like you. Which sucks.

It does not have to be this way. People tend to resist change because they are afraid of what is lying ahead, afraid of a loss of power or responsibility, etc. If you have been an expert on X for years, you are not really enthusiast if the whole team is moving to Y.

I would advise to read some books on change management: try to get the support from key stakeholders, identify why people are resisting change, try to find what would appease the reluctant one (training, promotion, etc), identify the early adopters, communicate your early success, etc. If you are really moving to Y, why not putting the expert on X in charge of the new technology ? Rather than seeing the change as a threat, it could become a great personal challenge.

If you show clearly to people what they will gain by changing in their everyday life : easier debugging, lesser cost, easier deployment, less hassle, etc , they will like you. You also need to tailor your discourse to your audience, the boss is likely not interested by the same thing than a developer. Also keep in mind that even if your new framework is the best technology ever, it does not mean that it will convince people. Convincing people to change is almost orthogonal to the technical merit of the solution.

Your job sounds pretty interesting! You might only be missing a few concepts/skills (or you are working with very grumpy people which is also possible) For what's it worth, I am also trying to introduce new tools/technology in my bigCo SW team. It does not feel as bad as what you are describing, but I have the distinct feeling that I am sometimes considered as the crazy annoying guy (for trying to introduce things that have been mainstream for 10 years... whatever)

PS : Sorry for my spelling/grammar, I have only slept a few hours last night because of my newborn son. So it is likely worse than usual.

If this is your first one, .1 seconds after you see that baby for the first time, your brain will dump your current frame of mind and upload a completely new version with multiple changes on priorities, motivation, elements that provide happiness etc etc..

If I where in your place, for now I would hang on what I have, until the baby is here and the dust settles (give it ~ 4 months). After that I would let the "new me" re-evaluate the situation.

Not having any children myself, I saw this in my group leader back in January. Before hand he always focused on pedantic small bugs (spelling mistakes, colors not being quite correct) when there were (and still are) far bigger issues. (I am a one man team. I need to use the 80 / 20 rule to prioritize work).

He had a kid, and now seems to only mention relevant bugs. No more trivial crap, which gives me more time to focus on the important things like the data being correct.

Welcome to office politics at bigco! You're upheaving the existing processes and people don't like that. You have to remember that the trade-off for working at a big company is larger scope projects, higher pay, more upward momentum in exchange for working fewer hours, dealing with more bureaucracy, and having a more limited scope role. Most of the people you work with really want 40 hours a week, and you will really want 40 hours a week in 7 months. I can't tell from your original post if you're working 60 or 40 and just being more efficient. If it's the former, stop now. Go home at 5pm, have a beer, enjoy life, and try to repair some of the relationships with your coworkers before they turn into backstabbing assholes. If it's the latter, you might want to slow down the rate of change, or at least change the way your coworkers do their jobs. Change how you work. If you need to change how everyone else works, get buy-off from other people before you impose. Sometimes you need to impose changes, but that burns political capital and goodwill until they can see it's better. (Note, if it's not better, this obviously means you'll never regain the expended social capital)

With the exception of your coworkers begrudging your work output, are they still generally cool & interesting people that you can learn from and get along with? Then you should really consider staying.

As far as challenging work, you're what, 3 months into the new job? Depending on your boss, he could be holding back some cards so you get a slow exposure to the company. I'd highly suggest talking to him and reconcile what you thought the position was versus what you perceive it is now. He's obviously impressed with you now, so you'll have much more slack to do what you want.

I was in a similar situation recently. Was at my job for just over a year. Came in, noticed development practices were lagging (and this is the kindest term I can use). Tried, with the support of leadership, to bring the team forward, ever-so slowly, but it only resulted in more backlash. These people were deeply entrenched, not looking for change, and certainly not from the younger (early 30's here) newcomer.

I came to loathe coming to work. I'm not at the stage of my career yet where I'm able to willingly dial down my productivity just to "fit in". On top of this, my wife was pregnant (much further along than yours).

What did I do? Once the baby arrived and we knew it was healthy, I quit. I've been freelancing since then and am 10x happier. I make significantly more in an hourly basis and have much more time to spend with my wife and son. I have different risk levels from your situation though. I live in Canada (free healthcare) and in a medium-sized city (relatively low cost of living). I'm still on good terms with the management team from my old employer (they know and acknowledge the difficulties I encountered as real barriers; they just didn't take decisive actions IMHO) and they've told me the job is mine if I ever want to return.

I know this may not be a realistic option for you, but the overall thing I've learned through this process is that what may seem like a really big risk at first glance, becomes apparently much less risky the more you think about it in a calm and rational manner. If you're good at what you do, and it sounds like you are, jobs are easy to find.

Stay in the job, focus on your family life for the next 12 months. At some point during that time you'll know exactly what you want to do, and you wont need to ask advice here.

Humans are incredibly dynamic organisms. They can adapt to such a wide range of circumstances.

You are going to go on a journey in the next few years. The pregnancy is a step in the journey. Your wife will change physically, emotionally, and cognitively. You will adjust to that.

When the child arrives, you will suddenly find that you are no longer responsible for yourself but that there is this other helpless being that depends on you. You will adapt to that.

You will find that your wife needs you more than ever. It's just one baby, you might think, but it is a huge burden and she shouldn't have to shoulder it alone. You will have to put friendships and career aspirations aside momentarily, but you will adapt to that as well.

Who you are now is a different person than who you will become and so you shouldn't try to optimize for your life 2 years ahead because it is something you can't really picture now.

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I've been through it (with twins) recently. Let me know if you want someone to chat with or even just to vent. Both of those are healthy given the stresses you are facing.

> People seem to begrudge that I’m bringing my small company pace to the team. My boss though, seems pretty satisfied...

Well if you're just going to be your boss' new secret weapon, and no one else benefits, it's going to be weird. If your boss is well-liked, you might not have to do anything. If your boss/work has a tendency to upset people, be cautious & extra-willing to help out others within the lines. There aren't a lot of good reasons for other people to not like you. It can be fixed, moved past.

The best commutes I remember were the ones I listened to audiobooks on. The Count of Monte Cristo is a good one (though I can't recall the narrator).

Baby thing: I've got a little one just getting into toddler-hood, and let me tell you having more freedom and being able to leave work at the office is not something to be discounted during the first while.

Find your technical solace outside of your day job, and on a schedule you control. Having a kid and being an active part of their life is tough, don't try to put any more on yourself than you have to for that early period.

Do you have any interest in starting your own thing? Perhaps since the pay is good, you can "leave work at work" and you dont seem like the daily work is burning you out, could you start a side project of interest and work to grow that?