My original criticism stands -- what he said was neither civil nor new/insightful. He absolutely should be made to feel that his comment was unwelcome.

Your effort is better. It's even ostensibly on topic. Though I think your concern is overblown. In my experience, the vast majority of church "monitoring" in this way is pretty reasonable, in the "hey, haven't seen you in a while, is everything OK? Can we help?" sense. Complaining about it is kind of like complaining about sports fans having a facebook group -- yeah, it's possible that someone can get upset because you're not showing proper loyalty, but practically speaking that's not how it's used. (Except by cults, who don't need this kind of software to control you anyway.)