Hacker News Reader

Comment by rayiner | Hacker News Reader

Sure, once you're already in a relationship, it's not good to apply that label. But how many people do you know that are: {vacuous, boring, self-centered, naive, capricious, overly sensitive, insensitive, uptight, etc}? These are characteristics we gloss over when we first start dating in favor of characteristics we like (attractive but vacuous, exciting but self-centered, funny but overly sensitive). But over time those flaws become more apparent. That makes it harder to be kind to someone you've been with for five years than to someone you just started dating.

View on HN

I know relatively few people that are {vacuous, boring, self-centered, capricious, overly sensitive, insensitive, uptight, etc}, but that could be because I don't hang out with people like that. And similarly, people that think that I exhibit those qualities - and I'm sure there are some - tend not to hang out with me.

I think that the point where you're ready for a stable adult relationship is the point where you're willing to compromise on {attractive, exciting, funny, etc.} in favor of avoiding people on the first list you described. And that's perhaps why dating is such a pain in the ass - not only do you have to meet a lot of random people to find the one that's compatible with you, but you also realize that nobody (including yourself) is perfect, and that to find the person you love you will often have to give up qualities that you like.

And yet at the same time, more positive, yet subtle characteristics become more noticeable because of the time you spend together. Which you (decide to) focus on is entirely up to you.

I think one of the problems engineers/analytical types have in relationships is that we are so accustomed to actively looking for the downside of everything, we forget to seek out the positive aspects or even notice that they are present.

I think this is a subtle but excellent point and answers the gut question I first had when reading your top post, which was to think: why would you (not YOU specifically, just the general 'you') marry someone who:

"....you don't respect, someone you think makes bad decisions, someone who isn't kind back, someone who is emotionally selfish or self-centered, etc. "

The answer being that you don't know these things going into it or they don't bother you that much; it's only when they accumulate over time that they start really bothering you. An analogy would be taking a new job at a company with lots of higher-up political BS - it doesn't bother you so much to begin with, but the more you learn the more it can do so.

EDIT: Realized I read your list of qualities as if you were talking about the same person with ALL those qualities in tandem; my "why would you marry?" obviously makes less sense if it's only one or two of those qualities in isolation.

The point is that you also are far from perfect, so it's better for both of you to find ways to be kind to each other despite one another's flaws. Kind doesn't mean pretending to like everything - it just means not creating a new problem by thinking that meanness is justified.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com