Buy somebody lunch
whattofix.com
whattofix.com
I met a girl who seemed very cool. She was really smart, into computers (she's a programmer), funny, etc. etc. Basically everything that I look for in a good friend.
SO I invited her out to grab some beer one night.
Now, the thing is...I'm a bit of a beer snob. I invited her to go to my favorite beer drinking place...a place which features nearly 500 varieties of imported and microbrewed beer...all really great stuff.
Well, when we got there, I ordered a beer that is ~$20 a bottle (it is a very very limited run that new belgium did, and is quite good).
Her, not being a beer nerd at all, found a beer she liked, and ordered 3-4 of them...(it was a lambic from Belgium).
Now, because I'm a nice guy, near the end of the evening, I got up and talked to one of the bartenders and paid the check... The reason I did this was mostly because this girl was not a beer snob in any way, and probably had no clue how expensive what she was drinking was.
This girl decided that this gesture was me in some way trying to hit on her, and now refuses to talk to me. :(.
Some people get really weirded out when you try and do nice things for them, so be careful. Some people even go so far as thinking that you're offering to buy them lunch because you think they can't afford it.
Tread lightly, that's all I'm saying...
If I call them up and say ask them to go out, they're usually all broke (mostly students). I'll pay because, to me, its worth the extra few bucks to have somebody to drink with...
(or are you saying that people are just being irrational? Your last sentence makes me believe so.)
Then you know exaclty what I'm talking about. My point is that gestures can mean different things when performed for men and for women. There's nothing irrational about it.
"Mary, what do you do with him?"
"Oh, movies, dinner, that sort of thing."
"Who pays for these?"
"He does."
"And he says you're leading him on?"
"Yeah, what's up with that?"
"That's because you're leading him on."
Some time later I realized that Mary (not her real name) had a persistent habit of using people, and I began spending my time with people who did not value me solely for what I could do for them.
Excellent point, I've seen a kind gesture blow up in a person's face for exactly this reason. It's always best to offer, ask or at least let the other person know BEFORE paying the check.
Perhaps you're just assuming the worst...
Also, the simplest way to not look like you're hitting on her is to go with a group. If you have other really smart, into computers, funny, etc. etc. people who enjoy beers, why not get some of them together anyway, and then ask if she wants to come join you. Even if she says no, you still get to suck down your $20 beers and talk hacker stuffs.
What would be great is, since as you did say she's a smart programmer, if she also reads HN and actually has a chance to give her side of the story on this. Sounds like it would be a fairly unique situation for her to identify. That would be so priceless...
I'm not sure why I did it, honestly. I think I just wanted to do something nice. I also figured it would just be a nice gesture to "take care of the bill" so that everyone else wouldn't have to worry about it and could maybe relax and enjoy the rest of their evening without the possibility of them being concerned about how much money they had spent. I think on some level I felt guilty about other people spending money. And when I would buy someone a meal or buy them a few drinks I wouldn't want or expect anything out of it. To be honest, it made me a little uncomfortable if people made a big deal about it or even said anything more than "Thanks".
I've had times in my life when I've had extra money to spend and had times when money has been tight. And I know I've experienced occasions where money is tight and you go out for a meal with friends and spend a portion of the night feeling guilty that you're spending money. I think that when I had extra money, I just wanted to make sure that no one was feeling that way. I just wanted to give them the opportunity to enjoy the night, or enjoy lunch, or whatever it was we were doing.
The amount of good will you receive when paying for a 1v1 meal is a lot greater than the good will you receive when paying for the whole table. It's the personal touch I suppose, the feeling that you did it for him/her, as opposed to "them".
In my situation I wasn't doing it to receive any "amount of good". I was just doing it to do my friends a small gesture. And if I could do 5 friends a small gesture, that's probably more gratifying to me than doing only 1 of my friends a small gesture.
We're all trying to reverse engineer the intent of the acquaintance. The lunch-buyers out there are much less calculating; they just like hanging out with people at lunch!
It's funny, because my intuitions always ran the other way--you should spend money on something you'll enjoy over and over again, not just a single experience that ends soon. The fallacy, of course, is that a sufficiently good experience is remembered again and again, and that is often more valuable than a durable good you've grown tired of (or a higher number on your online banking site for you to look at).
So what if someone wants to curry some favor with me? If it's a nice enough lunch maybe they've earned it!
The take home message though is that his primary motivation is just his good nature; the benefit is a side effect.
But this is a researched social phenomenon known as the reciprocity effect. He's done something for you, so now you feel like you somehow owe him something in return. Often that's "paid back" by positive social feelings. I really hoped I could find a solid citation for you, but the basis of it is found in Robert Cialdini's excellent book "Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion".
[This is as close as I could get for sourcing, I apologize for the lack of quality on the subject: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Norm_of_reciprocity]
If you want to make a friend, let someone do you a favor. -- Benjamin Franklin
But I need to point out there are huge cultural specificities here. In the US it is common for two unrelated (and even related!) people to split the bill. Hence, picking up the tab may have a positive social effect in the manner described because that runs contrary to expectations.
In other cultures it is traditional for one person to pick the bill. Either this designates social status (the most senior person pays) or a close-knit culture that ensures future reciprocity - eg. I'll buy you lunch today because I feel like it, and I know we'll have lunch many times and sometimes you will pick up the tab so it will all wash out in the end.
I meet and get to know a lot of people in my line of work. I've had the privilege to work with some tremendous folks.
Looking back, you try to spot patterns.
It's just that I've always thought fondly of the guy, more than all the other nice people I know, and never really thought about why. Reading that article made me think that he really knew how to enjoy himself. He knew how to spend money to make himself happy. And in return, he did this really cool thing for other people too.
It's not that buying lunch made him any nicer, I don't think. He's just a regular person -- not a salesperson or some charismatic person at all! He wasn't trying to game the system. He just learned that buying people lunch and stuff made him a happier person. And for the rest of us it had this incredible effect.
Offering to buy someone lunch can be a little awkward, especially in situations where it isn't usually done. My hypothesis is that they way someone pulls this off is the differentiator between whether it seems authentic or phony.
So it's not like he was going around asking to buy people lunch. We just had lunch and did stuff like anybody would.
You know, this is going to make me sound awful, but at the time I kind of thought of it as flaw -- it was even a bit insulting at times. He just wouldn't let me pay for anything. But he was that way with everybody.
It didn't stand out so much that I noticed it right away -- hell, it took me four years to figure it out. Just looking back, I don't think I ever paid for anything when we went out. And he did that to everybody. Four of us would go out for lunch, and there he was, insisting on picking up the check. At the time it was almost stressful, because I knew when the check come we would always argue over paying it. But it looks like long-term, he had a much more successful happiness strategy than my counting pennies!
The original post made it sound like one can be easily brought with a quick lunch. I personally am wary of having just any stranger do me favors because then I'd feel obligated when they ask me for something. This is how people end up buying entire rugs when they go to have 'just a drink of tea'. But yes, I understand this wasn't the situation you were talking about.
I don't use this as a technique. I don't know if it scales:)
As a side note I got to say that I would've stopped going to the lunch with a person who'd kept insisting on paying all the time. If not for any other reason, but for the fact that I just feel plain uncomfortable with this kind of arrangement as it clearly puts me in debt to that person. Paying back with a friendship feels wrong and "He is that kind of person" is not an excuse enough.