How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends? | Hacker News Reader

How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

docs.google.com

556 pointshyunwoona435 comments

Here's my thoughts, as someone who's naturally shy, socially awkward (or maybe just plain weird), and loaded with anxiety issues.

Start small. Don't try to make friends at first, just practice interacting with people. Ask totally random people questions you can Google. Is the 6 train running on time today? Is this the way to Market Street? Do you know a good coffee shop around here? Ask people in social situations personal questions that aren't too personal. So what do you do? How long have you worked here / gone to school here / known Jim / lived here? A lot of people don't realize I have crippling social anxiety, simply because I have mastered the art of small talk.

Practice being uncomfortable. I'm assuming you've got a healthy dose of social anxiety, like most introverts. Wear opinionated tee-shirts that make you feel judged. Try going to random meetup groups, not to meet people but just to practice feeling awkward, silly, and watched. Try the juggling and unicycle unicycle meetups, and spend an hour falling off a loaner unicycle in front of everybody. Practice making smalltalk. How long have you been doing this? How long does it take to learn how? How many balls can you juggle? What's the most impressive feat you've seen performed on a unicycle?

Establish a routine. Proximity is important; you can't make friends if you're never in the same place twice. Go sit in a coffee shop and read the paper every morning, go for a run at the same time every week or day. Find a couple of meetup groups and attend them regularly.

Online friends can be real friends. Even if you never meet them, if they care about you and vice versa, an online friend counts. Making your online friends in-person friends is also pretty awesome. I made several good friends online, and now about half of us live in the same city (most of us live in two cities). We hang out from time to time, play board games, see movies. Most of us have worked together at one point or another.

One last one--

Be a friend to yourself. Not in a sappy, metaphorical way, but in a game-theoretical way. One of the mistakes I made for the longest period of time was that I waited for other people to make the first move. If someone didn't regularly go out of their way to interact with me -- come over and talk to me, invite me to do things -- I assumed they didn't want to and didn't go over and talk to them or invite them places.

This was a terrible strategy: if I met myself, I would never become friends with myself because neither of me would make the first move. Fortunately, I encountered enough forward people that I still ended up meeting some folks, but there are a lot of people I could have been friends with but am not, just because both of us were too shy.

So make the first move. Talk to someone a couple of times, and if it seems appropriate see if they want to grab a burger or see the new Hobbit movie at midnight when it first comes out. And then don't be pushy; if you make a couple of advances and they don't reciprocate, back off. Be polite and friendly, say hi in the elevators, and make small talk if they seem to like small talk. Not everyone is meant to be friends with everyone else.

good advice!!! today I had a breakfast with myself and it was awesome.

Was it the awkward breakfast after sleeping with yourself?

While I understand the HN mantra that every comment should add value, I personally feel that there is some value in legitimately funny comments, even if that's all they add. No need to upvote it, but did this really deserve downvotes? (It's not my comment, just figured its grey status seemed a bit harsh.) Or did the down-voters consider it insensitive? Certainly didn't read that way to me.

>If someone didn't regularly go out of their way to interact with me -- come over and talk to me, invite me to do things -- I assumed they didn't want to and didn't go over and talk to them or invite them places.

I have done this for decades. I just assumed that people dont' want talk to me because I am Indian ( I spent a while in the south and that attitude stuck with me even after moving to chicago)

Some great advice! Getting into a routine of going to the same place seems like a real winner to me.

Mastering small talk in England is incredibly easy. If the weather is inclement, talk about the weather. If the weather is clement, talk about the weather. If you get bored talking about the weather, talk about football (particularly apt right now). If you know nothing about football, either watch enough that you can pontificate about the off-side rule, or go back to talking about the weather.

If you're in London, you can often substitute complaining about public transport for the weather or football.

Indeed. Every 4 years it feels like you can talk to pretty much anyone about football. At least that's how it seems in Canada. The good thing about living in a country which almost never qualifies for the finals is that there are lots of different teams to chat about.

This year the good news is you don't even need to know much about football in order to have an opinion on Goal-line technology. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goal-line_technology

N.B. this advice does not apply in the US. If you ask a random person about football or the world cup, they'll probably be dumbfounded and think you're a weird foreigner.

Which instantly expands the topic and provides you with other things to chat about, which was exactly the point ;-)

I would qualify myself as slightly introvert but adequately sociable (I value my 'alone time' but I'm very easy around people as well), and personally I think smalltalk is the easiest part of making friends, there's an infinite amount of things you can talk about. Just start out with lighthearted topics, don't overthink the situation (it's just chit-chat), try to tease and joke a little, and probably the best advice for geeks: forget about talking about nerdy stuff like sci-fi, games, computers etc. Most people (especially girls) have no affinity with them, know nothing about them, and might get the impression you are stuck in your own world if they are the only thing you can come up with. The things that are really important or interesting to you will come up some time later, they usually don't make for good 'get to know each other' conversation.

"Did you see that ludicrous display last night?"

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWJIQm9qH-w (for people that don't know IT Crowd, go watch it, it's excellent, and not that many episodes were made)

Completely agree with this, especially asking people questions. A few other points on that:

-The questions should be genuine, so that you deliver correctly and learn something

-The questions should mostly not be yes/no answers so the conversation doesn't die

-Make a game of it after you ask a question to see if you can keep it going for another 30 seconds. Example: you ask the grocery store clerk how to find a good cantaloupe, he/she shows them to you and shows you how to tell, you say "the last few times I picked terrible ones", then you ask when they're in season...etc

Other ideas:

-Older people tend to be nicer and more accommodating and less rushed. It could be worth trying to talk to older people who are less intimidating if they're not in your peer group, and working your way down in age as you build confidence

-Do you even remotely like any sports? Can you handle a beer or two? Find a classy bar that's not too crowded that plays sports games. Sit at the bar and watch and slowly drink your beers. Ideally not many people are there and you can comment on the game with the bartender or another person sitting next to you. Can be any sport tennis, golf, soccer, whatever

Sounds like great advice. Practice talking to strangers in low risk ways that are easy for others to respond to.

Also, true about proximity. You can form friendships with people just by going to a coffee shop on a regular basis and just being helpful when called upon. People ask you to watch their stuff for a moment if they've seen you there many times.

These are some great ideas. For me the proximity part is key. I feel uncomfortable at a new job for a couple of months, but after enough awkward small talk I've gotten to know everyone well. Working in software you are bound to have similar interests with your co-workers.

> Ask people in social situations personal questions that aren't too personal. So what do you do? How long have you worked here / gone to school here / known Jim / lived here?

Great questions, except for the first one. It can be a way more personal thing to ask about than you might expect from such a simple (but very open) question. I personally dislike when people ask me that, because it makes me feel judged. I don't always want to talk about "what it is that I do".

Instead, try to find out about it in a more roundabout way, asking sideways questions (which lead to the most interesting side-topics anyhow), so people can decide to volunteer sharing what they are passionate about.

I stated this in a sub thread, but:

Get in the practice of getting in debt to other people (not necessarily monetary). Asking for favors, or help. If you read Debt: The Last 5000 years, debts are the glue that held society together for milennia. It sounds like you have done a lot of work making yourself independent. But if you want to be social and have friends, you have to do exactly the opposite, and find a way to become dependent (or at least create the illusion of being dependent, if you're really sneaky).

If you get into debt with someone, then there is psychological pressure to be friends because that ensures that you'll be able to repay the debt. So I would say: Practice asking for (and accepting) help (not too much, to the point of being a nuisance, of course). And whoever you ask help for will more likely find a way to include you in friendship circles.

Fantastic piece of advice! Obligations are the key to personal relationships, both positive & negative.

If my memory is still good, Benjamin Franklin did this by borrowing books from other people whom he wanted to get to know.

It's actually called the Ben Franklin effect[1], since he remarked upon it: "He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged."

[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ben_Franklin_effect

From my experience, indebting other people to you works really well too. However, you must not expect anything in return when doing the favour, and act gracious even if they don't return it.

I have always found the opposite - a debt that can't be paid back is the best way I know of for creating an enemy. If you ever really help someone make sure you cancel it as soon as possible by asking for something in return. It doesn't matter if what you ask for is small, but you must release the recipient of your debt as soon as possible.

A poem on the subject of lending & taking:

  Lending Out Books
  Hal Sirowitz

  You’re always giving, my therapist said.
  You have to learn how to take. Whenever
  you meed a woman, the first thing you do
  is lend her your books. You think she’ll
  have to see you again in order to return them.
  But what happens is, she doesn’t have the time
  to read them, & she’s afraid if she sees you again
  you’ll expect her to talk about them, & will
  want to lend her even more. So she
  cancels the date. You end up losing
  a lot of books. You should borrow hers.

That's such a sad and pessimistic way of looking at life.

*You should each borrow a book from each other.

I think just borrowing the book yourself is overall better then lending or exchanging. It removes all the pressure from her and makes subsequent interaction easier.

If you want to lose a friend, lend him/her. (Russian proverb)

To highlight your message, I as well suggest anyone lending to prepare for the worst case scenario - never see it back. If you start persuading person owing you, he/she might pay back but you will never be friends.

On other hand, why indebt people? What happened to genuine helping others?

There is some psychological "research" that suggests if you ask a person to help you they then like you more.

I don't think they are talking about holding it over their head. You can render people favors & establish that kind of relationship, without browbeating them about it.

Happened to me too. Unfortunately, lending money or items to a friend is very dangerous if that friend is precious.

When it comes to money, I'd say generally speaking: lend as much as you can afford to lose. Like short-term, high-risk investments: It is a high-risk investment, you could loose a friend. On the other hand, the bond could become stronger and he will owe you one, but friends who count who owes how much to whom are in bad territory anyway...

You also have to be careful to not become known as a pushover.

Managing/balancing debt might play a role in friendships, but friendships are not about debt. They are about people who care about each other's lives.

I'd much rather have a friendship rooted in love/care than in manufactured debts. I wouldn't see the latter as much of a friendship.

I could be wrong, but I understood this to be a way of getting yourself in the door. Bonds created by the "indebtedness" are I think starting points to spending time with people and getting to know them, rather than a friendship in and of themselves.

It might be a starting point but it doesn't provide the fundamentals to get you where you want to go.

This reminds me of what pickup artists teach. They teach tactics for how to get in the door, and forget about the fundamentals of actually building a real relationship.

It's less a: I owe you $20 (or some non-cash equivalent) so you keep me around. It's more: You've done something for me, where we've probably done something together, in the future we're more likely to associate.

There's always the guy that just keeps bumming rides, forgetting his wallet or whatever. That's an extreme and he's probably not well liked (if he has friends they likely pity him because they know how he ended up this way).

The other form is: I didn't have a car in college. I didn't set out to find someone with a car and befriend them, but someone I knew happened to have one. He'd drive the lot of us around, we'd occassionally buy his meal or fuel. We became good friends but the circumstance of our need and his ability to satisfy it certainly enabled or encouraged our social contact. The debt, then, can be a pretext of sorts. You want friends, you're not good at it. You can either provide a resource to others (running the risk of being the guy that gets used all the time) or seek resources from others, and repay them in some fashion. It's not the only way, but looking back on a number of my friendships, many (not deliberately) started off in this manner.

EDIT: Examples of debt-enabled friendships:

The car situation above with a couple friends in college.

The reverse, I was the top student in a few classes and ended up with a circle of friends that came out of people wanting to study with me.

I was in need of a job, someone helped me out and we became good friends. And the reverse again, I turned down a job offer but referred a peripheral friend (friends, but not close) and we became much better friends afterward.

I didn't have cable for a couple years, met a guy first week of grad school who was also a Stargate SG-1 fan and did have cable. Neither of us knew anyone there, we used this as an excuse to hang out with each other. I had extra furniture, so I loaned him a couple chairs. This is probably the best example, it was a minor debt (I loaned him a couple $40 chairs, he let me hang out in his apartment on Friday nights). Neither of us really owed the other anything in return for this, we both just wanted a friend in a place where we were otherwise alone.

A few thoughts coming from a guy who used to be a shy introvert.

- Making friends involves truly connecting with people. Connecting with people means caring about them. The first step is to give a damn about everyone around you. How are they doing? What do they care about? What makes them tick? What problems might they be having?

- People love to talk about themselves. Ask them good questions, and actively listen (because as we said above, you care about them!). The more you get someone to talk about themselves, the more they'll usually end up liking you.

- Help people. It might be an old lady across the street. It could be a co-worker. Or, the person moving into your apartment building. When you can, help people (again, because you care about them :))

- Notice a trend here? I'll repeat it again. You are doing things because you care about others. The best way to stop being an introvert is to get out of your own head, and get into the head of others.

- Lastly, you'll be uncomfortable a lot. Some conversations will fizzle out. Some people might think you are weird. You might be out at a bar and have no idea who to talk to, or how to start talking to someone. Spend time being uncomfortable. Learn to deal with it. Sooner or later, you'll make small bits of progress. When you do, repeat what you did to make that bit of progress.

Hope this helps some!

I have no problem making friends and speaking to people. I'm an introvert who became an extrovert as my confidence increased. And, I just wanted to really back up the 'uncomfortable' comment. Even with close friends the conversation can die completely and not come back for a while, because we run out of things to say. So if that does happen to you, be aware, it's completely normal, and happens to everyone.

I think this is the best comment here.

Be open, generous and helpful. Care about other people and show genuine interest in their lives, don't dismiss them just because they might fulfill some of your stereotypes (hipster / jog / bimbo / ...).

I disagree. I have done years of volunteer work/helping other people and it does not help one bit with being social (it's not why I do it, so I don't care about that supposed dimension). Plus, there are plenty of terrible people who wouldn't consider doing anything except for their own self-interest who are just fine at being social.

Totally orthogonal considerations. Sorry, don't mean to be cynical - I strongly encourage doing good things for other people for their own sets of rewards - but advertising this as a way to help out the OP's issues being social will not help and may deepen a sense of entitlement and frustration.

Friendship is a two-way street. If you learn someone is terrible, you can choose not to be friends with them.

None of my friends are friends with me 'because I help feed people with AIDS every week'. Probably most of them don't know that I do this, and maybe this is pretentious but I don't make it public knowledge because in the past when I have it has intimidated people, possibly because they get worried that I would get judgey.

I would go so far as to say, even better than doing something good and 'caring' for someone (you should do that anyways) is to get in debt to someone. Maybe not financial debt, but ask other people for a favor, or help. Psychologically, the person is then invested in you to repay that debt in the future. After all Kennedy said "ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country", thus putting the country in debt to its citizens, and his popularity soared.

This isn't about general voluntary work. Never.

This is about you helping strangers, or friends of friends. Moving, cooking dinner, helping with a legal problem, helping them with their exams, letting them borrow your rice cooker over the weekend, helping them with their birthday party, inviting them for a drink, volunteering to look after their dog and so on.

I think that's tricky. If you help people too much, then they resent you because of the built up debt (which is why I wrote the part about debt in there). It's counterintuitive, but I think asking for help is a better strategy for making friends than offering help.

I think you misunderstood the "help other people" with "do volunteer work". The two things are not necessarily related. Nobody is going to befriend you just because you help children with troubled families, but surely they will be more likely to befriend you if you help them with their everyday life, like helping them moving out of an apartment, giving them a shoulder to cry on when time is rough, buying them a beer after a bad night, helping them fix their bike, etc etc.

It's not about helping everyone, it's about helping the people you care about (supposedly, your friends)

I think you look at it from the wrong perspective, it's not about voluntary work per se, it's about caring about other people. If you dismiss people because of your stereotypes, you'll never get to know them.

If you're open and generous, sure, some people might abuse this, but do you want to be friends with such people?

If you want to get to know people and become their friends you will eventually have to care about them in one way or in another. Man, you can even be of opposite opinion, that disagreement could actually be the foundation for a future relationship. Who knows?

So in my opinion, being open, generous and getting rid of your stereotypes and bigotry when it comes to other people is a great way for making friends.

There's a psychology book that researches this phenomena. I forgot the title but it starts out by saying people in general can be grouped into three categories. Givers, exchangers and takers. Givers tend to care about people, takers tend to care about themselves and exchangers try to be fair.

I don't know all the quantitative and qualitative parameters used for the study but they found out that in general the types of people who were least successful (in companies and other structured organizations) were the givers. The surprising result was that the most successful people were also givers while takers and exchangers generally hovered in the center. You'd have to read it to know more.

Unlikely you'll ever read the book but I just recalled the name, it's called Give and Take for anyone interested.

Sometimes it flirts with catch22 though. If you're very shy and insecure, it's hard to care about people with your mind clouded with self-absorbed anxiety.

I wish I could trade in my karma and upvote this a few hundred times.

Genuinely caring about others, and demonstrating it by doing things like asking people about themselves, are powerful and are central to every human relationship.

In a good conversation, the amount of things you say about yourself should roughly equal the number of things they say about themselves. (Obviously, some things you talk about might be about neither of you - like if you're discussing a book)

You don't even have to ask particularly insightful questions. You can always ask open-ended questions like, "How do you feel about that?" in response to something they tell you.

Are you necessarily an introvert, or do you find it difficult to interact with people because of language/cultural barriers? I say this because extreme introverts enjoy being alone. I used to think I leaned toward introversion, but gradually between high school and college I realized that I enjoyed having a big circle of friends--what I didn't enjoy was the social context of school. I'm a drinks in a nice lounge kinda guy, and the social scene in college was more house parties, tail gates, and/or video game tournaments. One of the nice things about post-graduation is that you have a range of social settings to choose from.

My advice would be to stop thinking of yourself as an "introvert" and understand that you're probably somewhere in the middle, like most people. Figure out what kind of social context you like and gravitate to that. Don't assume because you're an "asian engineer" that the best fit for you is that stereotypical social context. I'm a first generation immigrant, went to math/science high school, went to engineering school, but half my friends are public interest lawyers. I gravitate to that personality type. Your words suggest that you put yourself in a box, but that doesn't have to be the case.

Also, don't assume you're "awkward." Maybe you are, but here's a secret: a lot of the people you think of as "socially normal" simply have a head start by virtue of having grown up in this culture. There's a lot of forced childhood socialization that immigrants miss out on: church, block parties, etc. My wife used to go to cornfield parties as a kid in Iowa. That kind of low-key, parentally-supervised, non-threatening socialization helps build basic skills, but its something immigrant kids often miss out on because their families don't feel comfortable participating in the community.

I agree with all of that except going into debt... When I can help it. (I can see having a car helping a social life though.) When I have a buffer of cash and food I feel more free and feel better about myself. When I'm happy with myself, others like me more too... but then I also start to care less of what most others think.

Edit: You edited out getting debt for a car? That may not be a bad idea for some.

> Edit: You edited out getting debt for a car? That may not be a bad idea for some.

Sorry for the ninja edit. I felt the post was getting too long and it was sort of an ancillary point.

Anyway, I think it's important to have a car if you live in a car dependent area. It's really easy to justify spending all weekend at home alone if you need to rely on awful public transit to get anywhere.

Here is a lesson I've learned the long, hard way after 30 years of being a strong introvert: it's not how or where you meet people that counts. It's how you stay in touch.

Look around you. Every day, in every situation imaginable, there are hundreds of ways to meet people. There really are. You could strike up a conversation with a stranger on a subway. You could ask for some advice from the girl ahead of you in line at the supermarket. You could ask your coworkers to hang out, or join them for lunch. You could go to meetup groups, or meet people online and transition to real-world encounters. Point is, "How do I meet people?" is the most commonly asked question -- and it's usually the wrong one.

If you're a true introvert, your biggest enemy is yourself. It's your desire to be alone. It's your preference for living by yourself, for quiet moments away from others, for nights spent at home, watching Netflix or playing games. Making friends means making an effort to hang out with them, even when it doesn't seem like the most immediately pleasurable, comfortable, or convenient thing to do at any given moment.

I hate making plans. But once I'm in mid-plan with a friend or two, I have a great time. And yet, somehow I never seem to put two and two together. I tend to decline or avoid a lot of social plans. I'm sabotaging my own friendships when I do that. Friendships are like pets; they need to be fed, walked, and watered. Some of your friends will be super outgoing, and they'll do most of the work for you. But some of your friends won't; they'll be the passive party and expect you to make the plans. And either type of friend will occasionally, if not often, expect you to make the plans. That's what happens in a mutual friendship.

So I'd ask you to ask yourself: is your problem really about meeting people, or is it about staying engaged with people? If it's about meeting people (shyness), there is plenty of good advice on this thread about how to do it. If it's about spending time with people (introversion), that's going to require some regular, concerted effort to battle against your own inclinations. Sort of like battling the urge to procrastinate. You'll have to battle the urge to self-isolate. You'll want to focus less on the initial "ugh" factor in making or anticipating plans, and more on the fun you'll be having when you're hanging out.

Friendships don't just click into place on the first interaction between two or more people. They depend on proximity and frequency. They take time to develop, and once they've developed, they need to be maintained. They are conditional, and you need to live up to whatever the conditions may be in any given relationship. You're not going to ask a coworker to lunch and become friends at the end of that meal. You're going to ask that same coworker to lunch a second time, and eventually a third. And maybe you'll be friends at the end of the fourth meal.

> If you're a true introvert, your biggest enemy is yourself.

This sort of statement sounds suspicious to me. Are you absolutely sure your meaning of introvert isn't idiosyncratic?

This is the sort of thing I remember David Hume writing an essay about. If someone wants to be alone, there is absolutely nothing non-genuine about that desire, even if it's unproductive or you yourself think someone should want something else instead.

The response to "I want X but I can't make work" probably shouldn't be "You should want Y instead".

Different people also want different things from friendships. So if there are two friends, and one sees hanging out as only the means to establishing a deeper intimate friendship, but hanging out and having fun is the main purpose of the friendship to the other, then that's not such a great friendship.

I don't think what you said is necessarily very good advice.

"This sort of statement sounds suspicious to me. Are you absolutely sure your meaning of introvert isn't idiosyncratic?"

The problem is that there are a number of different ways to categorize an extraversion-introversion spectrum, and on top of that, there are many different connotations of introversion and extraversion. It might help if I clarify which definition I'm referring to. It's not very idiosyncratic; rather, it's the classical definition of introversion as "primarily interested in, or taking pleasure in, solitary activities." Occasionally this is rendered as a locus-of-energy distinction: extraverts derive energy from social situations and "tire" of isolation; introverts derive energy from alone time and "tire" from too much social interaction.

Modern connotations of introversion tend to conflate introversion with shyness or awkwardness. While these traits can be correlated, they are not the same thing as introversion.

"If someone wants to be alone, there is absolutely nothing non-genuine about that desire"

Nor did I say there was. I'm just stating that desire to be alone is often at odds with one's ability to keep friendships active and thriving. It's not wrong to be alone, or to want to be alone. But the introvert needs to be mindful of this desire, particularly to whatever extent it interferes with conflicting goals, such as wanting more friends. In this case, the author specifically stated a desire to make more friends. So I wrote from the presumption of that intent.

I'm not rendering any value judgments about introversion or extraversion here. It's not "wrong" to be introverted, or to derive mental or emotional stimulation and energy from being alone. As I mentioned, I myself am a strong introvert in this respect. I don't think I'm a damaged or flawed individual because I'm introverted. Rather, I'm mindful of the fact that my introversion, if I always give into it, can cause problems for my social life. And so I attempt to moderate it, as I do with any of my strong personality traits.

"Different people also want different things from friendships. So if there are two friends, and one sees hanging out as only the means to establishing a deeper intimate friendship, but hanging out and having fun is the main purpose of the friendship to the other, then that's not such a great friendship."

Sure, but that doesn't change the basic facts of social interaction, such as frequency and proximity. You need to interact on a regular basis with someone to maintain a friendship, regardless of what you enjoy doing in that friendship. It doesn't matter if the friendship is predicated on grabbing beers, having deep, philosophical discussions, building things together, traveling, or having sex. At its most basic level, the friendship depends on N encounters over an X period to remain stable. N and X might differ for different pairings of people, but some number N and some recurring interval X usually exist.

I agree with the frequency thing as far as longer term friendships.

I can only speak for myself as an introvert; however, beyond needing that alone time to recharge myself, I find that I tend to like to be social only in small groups. When my wife and I go to social functions.. if it's a larger function, it's pretty much a guarantee I'll latch onto one or two people and chat with them the majority of the time (learning more about interesting aspects of their lives, professions, etc.).

I also think it's easier to begin to become acquaintances and friends with those you have the higher frequency meetings with. The easiest way to make that happen is to look at things you (OP) want to explore and / or improve upon. Perhaps those could be improving his english ( http://english-conversation.meetup.com/cities/us/ca/san_fran... ) and / or perhaps some sort of activities (do you want to try rock climbing? yoga?...find some things that interest you and give them a try by finding some beginner classes...)

> If you're a true introvert, your biggest enemy is yourself. It's your desire to be alone. It's your preference for living by yourself, for quiet moments away from others, for nights spent at home, watching Netflix or playing games. Making friends means making an effort to hang out with them, even when it doesn't seem like the most immediately pleasurable, comfortable, or convenient thing to do at any given moment.

I am highly introverted. This is surprisingly and confusing to even the closest of my friends because I have learnt the art of being incredibly outgoing and a veritable chatterbox when need be. However, it is exhausting as fuck. So I balance it out. I go all out, make plans do things with people. But I make sure I have me time where I shut down and do things on my own. It is always a balance though. Because it is very easy for me to focus on me time and do my own thing. And forget about the fact that friendships have to be taken care.

Exactly.

It's about balance. In my case, my introversion is strong enough that I usually let it have its way. If I find myself doing that too often, I try to be mindful of it and moderate it. It's work, though. Friendships need work. I have a hell of a time explaining this to my more extraverted friends -- many of whom "don't see it," because I'm not particularly shy or reserved in social settings. (Incidentally, I've been called an asshole or a misanthrope on occasion, because people don't "buy" my introversion. They just think I'm avoiding them.)

  > I have a hell of a time explaining this to my more extraverted 
  > friends -- many of whom "don't see it," because I'm not 
  > particularly shy or reserved in social settings. [...] 
  > because people don't "buy" my introversion. They just think 
  > I'm avoiding them.)

God, yes. Huge sad ongoing thing in my life. This is a constant thing I do. I'm not awkward, so I make these friendships, and then I unintentionally hurt people with my introverted tendencies.

I feel you.

"I have learned the art of being incredibly outgoing and a veritable chatterbox when need be."

How did you learn ?

There is no easy answer to this; it all depends on playing the cards that you have got and trying to mitigate the things that make you not outgoing.

A lot of things make for being outgoing. In my case, I realized very early on that people hate making plans and organizing shit. I on the other hand, can suck it up and do it. This plays in my favor in that I get to meet a lot of people (friends bring friends) within my comfort zone. Also, host parties.

On the talking thing, for me, I used to overthink conversations. I still do on occasion. However, one thing that helped a lot was improv. When you realize the power of random statements that build on top of each other and create something amazing, you chill the fuck out and realize that the first thing you say doesn't matter that much. And also build a tough skin; because for every person who was OK with you as a quiet mouse, there will be someone else who absolutely detests you now that you have an opinion. Fuck em. Your job in life is to figure out the amazing beautiful people who you can have an amazing connection with.

> A lot of things make for being outgoing. In my case, I realized very early on that people hate making plans and organizing shit. I on the other hand, can suck it up and do it. This plays in my favor in that I get to meet a lot of people (friends bring friends) within my comfort zone. Also, host parties.

I am about as introverted as they come. However, with practice, I normally find I can become pretty good at things, so I've been working the last two years on being more outgoing and social.

My problem is that people flake all the time nowadays. I don't mind planning events and inviting people, but they all flake at the last second and it's really quite annoying. At first, I thought maybe it was me, but then I realized everyone does it to everyone else. I don't dread social the interactions; I dread the inevitable flaking that everyone's going to do at the last second.

So... my strategy recently is just ditching friends that flake and finding new ones. I'm not sure if this is the best idea though because I'm going through a lot of them quickly.

Instead of "ditching friends", my approach to flakey people has been to mass invite people. I've ended up with a core of about 4-5 very reliable folks for any type of event I'd invite them to, and the rest can go or be louts and stay at home if they want (ok, only a few folks do this, the rest just overbook their time).

EDIT: A note: There are a couple folks that I've effectively ditched. I no longer take their schedules into consideration because they were such a PITA. Folks: If people invite you to things every week because you tell them you want to be invited, and you never show, don't feel hurt when they stop considering your schedule. Pouty friends are annoying friends. Annoying friends cease to be friends.

Not sure how well it can be learned. It's not about an inability, but an aversion or preference not to. When it is important enough and risk and reward are worth it, you will find a way. As eshvk said above, It is exhausting. It just needs to be the right situation.

I've achieved the same "feat" of being able to chat seemingly about nothing while being an introvert. What it took was introspection and a lucky read. I detail the mental refactoring I went through here: http://refactoredthinking.com/2012/10/14/how-i-cured-my-shyn...

Like any skill, I'd suggest this requires practice. One way I found as an introvert was to join Toastmasters. I don't have a big fear of public speaking—I can do it if I have to, but being in practice makes a huge difference. I've seen incredible improvement in people after 3 or 4 speeches.

Most clubs will have a social aspect and might gather for drinks afterwards. It makes a good way to practice smalltalk and keep in touch on a regular basis. There's usually a mix of people... some will be struggling with shyness and fear of speaking, others may be naturals and make good people to study for technique.

I've fallen out of regular attendance lately, but I'd highly recommend Toastmasters.

I second Toastmasters. It's good for speaking skills too http://www.manager-tools.com/2011/06/coaching-presentation-s...

Introverts frequently have some good tools at their disposal to 'fake' being an extrovert - mostly observation and empathy. Being extroverted is really just putting the effort in to talk to people, and make them feel good about themselves. This builds rapport, and makes people want to talk to you more.

The best advice I can give is to look at how more naturally outgoing people communicate, and then emulate it. Ask lots of questions to get people talking about themselves. Make lots of eye-contact to encourage people and convince them that you care about what they're saying. Reply showing you're listening. Share random stuff about yourself in breaks of conversation (doesn't matter what it is really, anything personal you share also builds rapport).

You don't have to be the star of the party, but being an engaging convserationalist will help you to make excellent connections with people. The more you talk to people, the more you'll learn. If you share the things you learn with similar people, they'll get the impression that you're a social hub, and want to share more with you (because you have more to share with them). It snowballs pretty quickly.

This coming from an out-and-out introvert who has learned when to flip the switch. I was on a 10-day business trip with ~20 people recently, and towards the end confided to one of my new friends that the whole thing, while excellent, was pretty taxing on me due to my introversion. He was so shocked, he looked like I'd slapped him! Pretty funny :D

Edit: This probably goes without saying, but if you do the above, make sure you factor in downtime. Introverts playing extroverts is a very tiring game, you will probably need a day or two every now and then with next-to no interaction to recover.

This.

I'm not a true introvert, but I am shy (particuarly when encountering new people) and do need social down-time to recharge.

I typically don't go out of my way to plan social events. But, when invitations are offered, I almost always accept them. I avoid large bars and clubs, but enjoy going out for a meal or drink with friends at smaller locations where we can sit and socialize.

Also, my main hobby is competitive cycling. It works well for the type of interactions I prefer. Training rides can be anything from solo rides in the country to large groups in the city. And when riding in a group, it's perfectly acceptable to ride along in silence. It's almost a perfect sport for introverts. That said, there is a high level of jargon and definitely cliques, so it can be difficult for shy people to get started.

Even extroverts need downtime to recharge. I've noticed this a lot in my own life. I'm very extroverted and feel a driving need to charm everyone I meet. My wife is very introverted and hates/fears interacting with new people. So we go to parties, and we can get equally worn out.

Too much interaction is actually quite hard on extroverts. It's like too much exercise, or overeating, or overworking. It can lead to burnout.

Like the OP, I find myself often wondering how people met, how they clicked, how they keep it going. With you describing your wife as very introverted, fearing interaction with new people (I could describe myself the same way) and describing yourself as an extrovert, how did you two meet, click, make it work? I find that with me being like your wife in that regard, I've had an extremely difficult time even meeting someone, much less progressing into a relationship.

Well, we've been together for 25 years now, married for 21. We met through a mutual friend (he was dating her at the time - we're both still friends with him, and see him somewhat regularly socially). It's just worked, over these long years of struggle, in part because we balance each other.

Her social life revolves around a very short list of very close friends. The people she loves, she loves, and she's incredibly devoted to them. But she's also distrustful and fearful of others. She's prone to resentment, especially of the careless and irresponsible type of extrovert who gets away with being a flake because they're charming. Her way of dealing with her fear of other people is by being prickly, which makes it hard for people to get to make the effort to get to know her and get past her defenses. So poor social choices she makes due to introversion end up making the problem worse. But some people do make the effort, because she's incredibly intelligent, talented, and beautiful. The work is hard, but the reward is great.

So how we started... well, we met and started dating. Apparently, I was attractive enough to get her past her fears to really reach out. After our first date, she went home and broke up with the boy she didn't tell me about! Then she sought me out at work two days later - this was the pre-internet days when you actually had to go see people in person. On our second date, I was struggling that day with some private family difficulties, and found I could just open up to her about something I'd normally keep to myself. It was also a point in my life where I was getting tired of my ladykiller lifestyle (and I am good at that), and was ready to settle down. We fell in love very quickly, and were engaged in just a few months.

I bring a very different personality to our mix. I find just about everyone I meet interesting in some way or another. I'm very open about my life, except for a small zone of privacy that is very strict. If someone disappoints me, I just ignore them and move on to the next interesting person, rather than stewing in anger and hurt feelings. Because she lets so few people in, the stakes are higher for her. For me, with more friends than I can really manage, the stakes of any one person are lower. And it's not just people, it's life in general. Little setbacks don't get me down. I enjoy risk and unpredictability. She likes stability.

For 20 years, I worked in the enterprise corporate world, a very safe career path that keeps me easily employed and well-paid, because it makes her feel safe and happy. But it makes me feel stifled and frustrated. Now, it's time to swap. I'm leaving it all behind for my own startup (this is actually my last week of dayjobbing), and she's terrified, but going along with it for my sake.

Being able to give enough to let the other have what they need, if not always what they want - that's how to make the introvert/extrovert relationship work.

Interestingly, it works in other ways as well. She often brings me to social events to run interference for her. I can "hold court" (her term) anywhere I go, charming people and bringing them into my orbit. She can stay with me if she feels she needs cover, or wander off if she finds something to do or someone to be with, knowing that I won't be bored.

Does this help some?

That's a good story to learn about.

Why were you tired of your "ladykiller lifestyle"?

Because I wanted a life partner, not just a sex partner. And I wanted children, and someone to raise them with.

Didn't mind the ladykilling. :)

"But some people do make the effort, because she's incredibly intelligent, talented, and beautiful. The work is hard, but the reward is great. So how we started... well, we met and started dating. Apparently, I was attractive enough to get her past her fears to really reach out."

Why even leave the apartment for the Google bus?

It does help; thank you for the peek behind the curtain. I've always avoided outgoing, extroverted women because I thought that the intro/extro combination could never possibly work. I'm not about to jump up in front of such a woman today and announce my presence, but I do like it when my understandings are corrected and my world is opened.

And a hearty congratulations on passing the 20-year mark! Seriously, in today's climate, I count that as a huge win. With you being an (apparently) attractive extrovert who "holds court" (laughed out loud at that one), your options are very open. Thanks for helping to give us guys a good name by staying loyal and loving to your wife. If she doesn't outright say it to you, she's likely very thankful that you choose her on a daily basis, given the circumstance.

Now, if your wife has a 40-year-old twin sister...

  > She often brings me to social events to run interference 
  > for her.

As a married guy in a totally different sort of introvert/extrovert mix, this was wonderful to read! I love the "we're a mismatch, and that's why it's fun" attitude.

My wife and I are an odd mix because I'm simultaneously the "charmer" and the introvert who needs a lot of time alone. She's the extrovert, but also has trouble reading people, so people either love her or are unintentionally "rubbed the wrong way" by her immediately.

So in our social interactions we often wind up with the introvert (me) "running interference" or more often smoothing things over for the extrovert... haha.

It works, though, and it's fun. She's amazing and without her I'd probably be a hermit with a squirrel living in my beard.

I call in an NPD: No people day. Need one after being with people all week.

I did a quick search and nobody mentioned pickup, but I seriously recommend it.

I had the same problem with introversion. And people are often surprised because I seem very outgoing. I followed a very clear path to get to where I am and it's outlined below. There are some very simple things you can do right now to make progress. I felt like I had to change my entire wardrobe, personality, and gain muscle. None of this was necessary and just lowered my self esteem.

First, find a pickup group. Just google around or contact me. Then go out with that group and try the following things in order. Do each one several times. If one of them is too easy then just skip it. I had to start at the very bottom. It was that bad for me, but pickup helped me be social and outgoing naturally, so it's not just about women.

1. Go to a supermarket or a mall and just ask questions from a female cashier. Say you're getting a gift for a female friend. Say you don't like her, but she likes you. This is super fun. 2. Go up to 10 random people in a supermarket or wherever and give them a compliment on something. I felt really good after doing this. It taught me that communication that isn't technically productive can bring people a lot of joy. 3. Get used to approaching women -- any women at all. Go into a mall or any place with lots of people and approach the first 3 women you see. They don't have to be pretty; you don't have to like them. They can be old or young. It's important that you do not discriminate. It helps build a reflex to approach women, and prevents you from having to decide who to approach and who to avoid. This one thing has helped me more than I can tell you. 4. Once you're somewhat comfortable approaching women, then just see how long you can stay in the conversation. 5. Then near the middle of each conversation ask for the woman's phone number. 6. Then get used to asking women to go on a date with you, even if you're not interested.

All of the above is practice and necessary. Then when you meet a girl you really like while going out then you will know what to do. I glossed over a lot of details, but I'm sure you can do this.

Your pickup group can become your first group of friends. It's a little weird at first, but many of them are still my friends. You can tell them things that are too intimate to discuss with even a girlfriend. My group helped me a lot. And you need that positivity because hitting on girls is hard. You'll get rejected a lot. But that negative feedback will tell you exactly what you need to improve.

Women's minds are hardwired to be attracted to men who are socially intelligent. By practicing pickup you will naturally become socially intelligent. This social intelligence has helped me get more friends, land more interviews, negotiate, and even helped me get into events for free.

Pickup is not for the faint of heart, but I'd still be lost without it. I say it's worth a shot.

Contact me naivegenius@gmail.com

I will do my best to help you.

Wow that just about sums me up right there. I can make friends with pretty much any one but as soon as they leave the day to day interactions I just don't make that effort. It's certainly something I've been working on as there's no shortage of ways that I can interact with people that move away or move to a different job.

Thank you jonnathanson, you helped out me out today.

"If you're a true introvert, your biggest enemy is yourself. It's your desire to be alone"

Yes and Yes.

In a way, it's not too different than, say, weight loss.

Thinking rationally, you know that, on the medium/long term, it would be better for you to exercise and eat healthily (go out, meet people and be social), but it's easy to give in to short term satisfaction and eat that bag of chips and tub of ice-cream (stay at home and watch a movie/play videogames).

But the OP seems to be shy rather than introvert, to be fair.

Friendships don't just click into place on the first interaction between two or more people. They depend on proximity and frequency. They take time to develop

I think this is what most people mean when they say "I need to meet people". Yes, you meet people every day, but often the circumstances are very poor for establishing friendships. No matter how good you are at friendship maintenance, circumstances are important for beginning a friendship unless you are just incredibly good at starting friendships.

Sorry if this seems like a nitpick-- but giving way too advanced social advice to people is one of my pet peeves.

Talking to girls in the grocery store or strangers in the subway is horrible advice here. Doubly so because you gave it in the context of actually meeting people, not just practicing sociability.

Remember who you're writing to. For someone with bad English, low confidence, and little social life that's not a good way to make friends. It's a good recipe for getting a lot of rejection, very fast. This is, uh, probably not the optimal strategy for the OP.

Seriously, this isn't some sales guy in a new city. He's a lonely person with "growing ... self-hatred towards [him]self". He should be making friends in the most boring, effective, straightforward way possible.

Your next advice is very solid though. Hanging out with coworkers and going to meetups is exactly what he should be doing.

You are right to caution against this advice, but I don't think that was actually written as advice that was meant to be followed. Those struck me as illustrative examples of unconventional places to initiate a conversation. Nobody is telling OP to actually do those specific things, just to consider them.

Heh, that makes sense:)

I guess when I read "So I'd ask you to ask yourself: is your problem really about meeting people, or is it about staying engaged with people?" ... it seems really obvious that the problem in OP's case is the former.

Since our parent comment used OP to springboard into his own topic, I hope it's considered fair that I used the parent to springboard back into OP's case:)

OP has both problems and while the former seems like the big one, it's really just the first one. Introverts don't need a lot of friends, just a few really good ones. Making those strong connections by staying engaged really is important.

So many of the things you said rang true for me. "If you're a true introvert, your biggest enemy is yourself." I was very shy when I was younger, I spent most of my time in High School by myself, and there were some very uncomfortable times, but looking back I was fine being by myself. I preferred, and still do, single-player games to anything else. I like watching movies and listening to music on my own or in a small group. I feel like I can absorb things and enjoy them better that way.

In High School it made me self conscience because everyone expects you to have friends. Those "find a lab partner" moments were awful.

There's nothing wrong with being an introvert if that's how you like to do things, but like you said, if you don't reach out to anyone, they aren't likely to reach out to you. Friendships take more than one person to work.

+1, really has no comments, completely agree, down vote at will...

Start skydiving: http://www.uspa.org/AboutSkydiving/HowtoStartSkydiving/tabid...

There are many car pools in the bay area that head to some of the local places (Byron, Lodi, and Davis). Most skydivers are also socially awkward and come from very different walks of life. It will give you the confidence that you can do something different and scary while also being novel enough that it's a conversation starter. Though, if you monopolize the conversation that's a negative.

It didn't fix all my social anxiety, but I can't say how much it helped.

I'm a Chinese in China.I think your word "Friendships are like pets" is right and warm.It helps me a lot.Thanks!PS:my english is poor,maybe make some wrong words,sorry for that.

ABSOLUTELY. I used to be an introvert white guy with no friends.

I see two ways of meeting people, with 1 rule required: The Rule: Always say the first opinion that comes to your mind. Do not be afraid to say what you really feel, and have an intelligent discussion about it later, in which you can admit you were ignorant and change your opinion. Opinions are like belly buttons, everyone has one, and they're mostly irrelevant. Great friendships can be forged between people with totally opposite opinions. You will be genuine as long as you speak your mind.

Corollary: Take what you were just imagining in that public social situation, grab your balls, and do it. Reality either smacks you in the face and you have to handle an unknown situation, or all of a sudden it's serendipity. (P.S. This works exactly the same way on dates, too.)

Meet people: 1. Use workmates or the internet to meet people (meetup.com/okcupid/tinder/etc.) - it's a good crutch to transitioning to real life approaching strangers, without any risk of blushing or doing something else embarrassing. You'll later find out, even in "structured" situations you'll do embarassing things anyway, so maybe you should skip to #2: 2. Walk up to those groups (assuming it's a safe environment), interrupt and introduce yourself. Speak your English wrong, don't let the people get to you, just keep pushing your level so you always say exactly what you mean, in a direct and efficient way (because English works like this). Your purpose is to develop your language/social skills, not impress them. Feel free to be transparent with them, and explain why you're talking to them - who knows what they'll do!

You see the above text? That is how I taught myself fluent spoken Chinese on the streets of China starting with _zero_ Chinese. The strategy completely works, but it's not easy. The biggest benefit of it, however, is every time I get outside my comfort zone I can _handle it_.

Now you get two life skills for the price of one. Good luck.

The first advice works because by being candid and genuine, you are willing to make yourself vulnerable, and it means implicitly that you the trust the person you are talking to. And it will be easier for the other person to open up as well.

It also works in professional settings. It is better to work with people who are willing to say upfront "I don't know", rather than keeping quiet and ending up doing a bad job, because they were afraid to look weak.

So if you want someone to confide something, tell them one of your secret first. (But do not plan it in a Machiavellian way or it will surely backfire, the key is to stay genuine and really care at all time.)

Surprised at all the focus on introversion in the comments. I'm 26 too and have always been social and extroverted - I can totally relate to this post.

These are near-universal struggles. Most people wish they could make more friends with shared interests, even those with a great friend group. (Most friendships are circumstantial and the individuals don't have much more in common than two random people from similar backgrounds.) Most people without families also get lonely on the weekends. Lately I've been trying to get healthy and avoid drinking and it's remarkable how much that's stalled my social and dating lives.

I had a different reaction: that this is an untapped opportunity for potential founders. Meetup is great in theory but for some reason isn't good at friendships. I don't get why in 2014 there is such a discrepancy between % of relationships and % of friendships sourced online. There must be a better way for the internet to introduce people with shared goals and convert them to real-life friends, without sex involved. Also consider how much friction this adds to relocation - how many people avoid moving because "all my friends are here". That's implying that it would be hard to make similar friends in a new city.

I hope the HN crowd starts to see this as a problem that needs solving. Personally, I've always thought that social apps were boring and superfluous - that I wanted to work on "hard" problems instead - but starting to question this assumption.

I really like this comment since it really hits at what technical people could potentially do to address the difficulty of meeting new friends. Like you, I've always kinda looked at the social apps as stupid/flooded/artificial.

Reading this thread though really emphasizes to me that there is huge demand for an easy "friend finder". I'm now thoroughly convinced this is a space just waiting to be occupied.

Have you tried online gaming? No it doesn't solve the fact that you'll be sat alone still. But from past experience, personally online gaming being a huge hobby of mine I often like to meet people from other countries in-games such as counterstrike and World of Warcraft or DayZ. We speak a little through game chat (Mic, if they're enabled). If I enjoy playing with them I get them to hop on to Teamspeak or skype with my little community and go from there.

A lot of the time I meet people who don't speak English that well and explain it's not a huge problem. They often just speak about game related things and don't really go any deeper in to anything more personal. Until 2-3 months down the line and it's easy to notice how much they've come out of their shell. Throwing banter around and asking how works going or other personal things and they seem 10x more comfortable speaking in front of me and my English friends (and new people I get to join the teamspeak). It's not something you have to dedicate a lot of time to, can be very casual.

I don't usually post on here but I felt this could be very beneficial as I've seen it work countless times. I've got a lot of these people on my facebook, twitter and snapchat during the day. Even been to lans in Sweden ETC and met up with a couple.

*Edit: I'm 23, and speak to my 'online friends' 2-3 hours a night, and go out on a weekend with a different social group on the weekend. Played games since I was 11 and had 2 'serious' relationships lasting around 2 years each. - If you was interested.

Hey, +1000 for online gaming. I'm an moderate introvert with some greats friends. Nowadays I play a lot a certain MMO. I met some greats & awesome people, even had some meetup IRL.

I've met people working at Apple, Blizzard & more. We shared passion & experience, it got me some business opportunity too. The world is so small it's amazing.

-10000 for online gaming. You don't know it yet but online gaming can ruin your life. It's the most accessible, inoffensive looking, procrastination enhancing, important decision delaying, time wasting, addictive habit/hobby/relaxation.

Lots of things can ruin your life, including having friends IRL. It's a reason to be mindful, not to ban it from one's life.

I'm not for banning. I'm for actively discouraging people who "have nothing to do" with their time, from seeking refuge in something which is actively designed to captivate them and consume as much of their resources as possible. There are many addictive & destructive things, but few of them are legal and actively being evolved to enslave you at the same time.

Fair enough, I agree with that.

You have such a dark view on online gaming. May ask you why? I'm sure you have an experience to share, and I can't wait to hear it!

@dimillian I can't give details. I'm too afraid to associate the enormous number of hours I wasted with online gaming even with this relatively anonymous nickname.

@leaveyou hey, I'm really interested by this subject, I can see why you don't want to speak about it here, you can drop me a mail at ricouard77[at]gmail[dot]com I would love to speak with you.

Yup, I agree with you on that point. You need some amount of self control. It's easy to just play and delay everything else. You need to know when it happens. But it's still good for meeting other people.

No, online gaming is a bad idea for the person in question. I tell that having an online maxed out toons diablo II hardcore (if you die you lose your toon), maxed out toons (gear) in Linage2, Aion and Rift.

The escapism offered by the online gaming is a no substitute for real life. You're basically asking a person with no social life to become a true no-lifer.

I lived in the bay area for a few years just after college. I moved there alone without knowing any friends in the area.

I'm white, american, fluent, and witty enough that I can regularly make my friends laugh. But even despite those advantages, I felt a strong sense of recognition reading this post - I felt exactly the same way about my ability to connect with people, and about the weekends.

I think there's a structural problem with the bay area in that sense. Making friends at work is tough because everyone lives at least 20 minutes away, probably much further. The geography means everyone is really spread out. Most of the peninsula doesn't have natural hang-out areas. And the general professional emphasis in the bay area means that everyone is friendly enough to give you 1-2 minutes, but then they're on to the next thing.

I honestly don't have a lot of suggestions to give, other than to say that the problem might not be YOU. You might have to move somewhere where there is a better natural support network, and there really are such places. I moved northwest and ended up feeling like everyone was an order of magnitude friendlier and more open.

Barring that, I'd focus on doing things like joining a church where there is a cultural fit - even if you aren't religious - or trying your hardest to find local meetups where the emphasis is more on a common interest than on meeting other people - in that environment, you can rely on the common interest to talk to people, and slowly turn it into a personal relationship over time.

Overall I just wanted to say I really feel for you - that doesn't sound fun and it's easy to tell from your writing that you're a good person and would have a lot to offer in terms of friendship (or relationship).

>> And the general professional emphasis in the bay area means that everyone is friendly enough to give you 1-2 minutes, but then they're on to the next thing.

I've been in the bay area for north of 1 year now, and I can attest to this. Coming from Austin, this was a big change for me. It's not that people are rude, they're just caught up in what they're doing passionately but there's nothing wrong with that. I tried joining meetups and socializing with co-workers but I always left with the sense of it being forced.

Maybe i'm still in college mode and I just ache for my comfort-zone where all my friends understand me and get the inside jokes. Whatever the case may be, it's really not worked out for me and I'm unclear on what I should be doing next.

Actually the bay area isn't that bad, structurally speaking. Having lived in the bay when I was younger then moving to LA for for college I have to tell you, everything in LA is on average at least an hour and thirty minutes away from where you are.

You must be from some place like New York City.

Since you said you have NO friends to spend time with on weekends, and language is one of the (or the biggest) barrier(s), why don't you start with making some friends who speak the same language as you do? I'm sure those friends would further have friends who'd speak different languages. It's awkward to go to some stranger and say you want to initiate friendship, but when people introduce you to others, it's a lot smoother and normal. Slowly, you might have people of multiple nationalities and languages in your group, and you'd be comfortable with all of them. Good luck!

I'm not an introvert, but I'm shy. That's even worse, because I WANT to hang out with people but I'm desperately afraid of meeting new people. Anyways, go find an event that sparks your interest where you will meet people. Or, just force yourself to do something. Social dancing did it for me, for example. I know indoor rock climbing has worked for other people (if you don't have a partner you sign up on a list of solos looking for a partner).

I would venture to say that if you truly are an introvert (being social saps your energy) then you should consider social dancing or rock climbing, because for a few minutes at a time your attention is focused on just one person and you can for the most part shut off everyone else, unlike being in say a generic 'common interest' meetup.

But anyways you have to actually put effort into it. Unlike the olden days, where everyone in town knew what was up, and dragged other people around, or college, which professionalizes the student's entitlement to experiences, you are rarely going to be handed social activities on a platter.

If someone invites you to spend time with them in a group, make a mental note of it, and if you're counting too many examples where you're saying no, think hard about saying yes the next time.

Also, yes, it is harder being an Asian. I know this from personal experience. But there is nothing you can do about that, so forget about it.

Any examples where you're saying no is too many. Always go!

I have made it a point to always say yes and it has made a huge difference for me. I am also very shy.

After I quit my job as a scientist, I drove for lyft, and got lots of offers to hang out with passengers. So I said no a lot (needed the money, driving is donezo one you've started drinking). Now, I consider it and hang out with passengers every once in a while. I've got to be selective, as a 30-something it might not be all that fun hanging out with 20-somethings in a bar in certain parts of San Diego...

I would have suggested "drive for lyft" to the OP, but he doesn't have a car, so...

Do you make more money driving for lyft? Why did you quit being a scientist to essentially become a cab driver?

I'll refer you to this thread:

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7880440

Is there a spread between the price of renting a car and lyft income?

I don't recommend trying to monetize this margin.

A few observations:

1) I'm fairly introverted, and I've been successful finding new friends when I've found interest-based clubs/groups; for me this would be gaming or making-things groups; it could also be a local sports league, tech meetup, or book club or something. These are great ways to meet people. With a little bit of luck you'll meet cool people with similar interests in no time.

2) You seem far too nervous about your accent. I have worked and developed friendships with a few people with really strong accents, and have always found that people are willing to work through it as long as you are. I really doubt people mind yours; you just have to laugh off miscommunications and keep smiling.

3) Most people are really friendly most of the time if you engage them in a positive way and are simply pleasant to be around. I strongly suggest that when you meet some people you like at one of the aforementioned interest-based clubs, you simply be honest with them and tell them straight up that you're trying to make more friends in the area. You aren't going to get laughed at; most people have been there and will be totally sympathetic and will invite you along to something. In the case that someone seems mean, they're probably an asshole anyway. Just make sure you smile and are pleasant to be around and people will be friendly back to you.

Overall, it sounds to me like you're stuck in a sort of negative-self-image-feedback-loop. Stay positive and smile a lot and I promise people will like you.

As another introverted guy find an introvert compatible sport. Sport doesn't just mean competitive league team ball games. I like hiking. Its dangerous to hike alone. There are innumerable hiking clubs where you can meet people, or if you're not in the mood to talk they'll at least make sure if you break your leg you won't be left to die, plus you'll get some excellent exercise.

Asian is waaaaaay too vague but I did take a semester of Japanese for the heck of it perhaps a decade ago, and the OP did ask to meet ladies, and the class was about 50% women who would fight over the opportunity to "study" with a native speaker. So lets go to the coffee shop after class and discuss the homework further, etc. So find the local higher ed school and ask the teacher if they'd like the help of a native speaker, even if all you do during class is sip a soda I'm sure you'll get all the attention you can tolerate both before and after class. Stay on the teachers good side by never interrupting or correcting them unless prompted (their class, not yours). Aside from language, an ethnic cooking class might like your help.

OP may think being foreigner means Americans won't care, but I found it totally fascinating talking to a Korean coworker for endless hours. You need a collection of conversation starters "well, in Korea we have vending machines that contain beer" or "ah well a twelve hour flight back home next summer" or "let me tell you about real korean bbq" or whatever.

I'll suggest ultimate frisbee as another sport that is welcoming to nerds. Find the mellow pick-up game that has a few summer parties.

Making friends is incredibly difficult once one is an adult, so I won't offer advice on that. But you mention that your English is not at conversational level. Therefore any attempt to make friends will be doomed before you evrn start. You need to take English classes.

And as a bonus you often make friends in english classes because basically you spend all your time speaking to them.

This is your chance. The best way to meet friends as an adult is to have a common activity. Learning English is an excellent way for you to meet other people also interested in learning English. Jump online and find English learning groups, English classes, etc. You should also look for meetups for people of your native language so you can go to them as well. The next step is go to the meetings even if they suck, even if you feel lonely and bored. The best way to meet people is to get out there, you don't meet anyone in your house. If you have an interest in a sport that's a great way too, however I would say the more unusual the sport the better. With common sports like Basketball or Soccer people often join in groups and it's harder to make new friends. Something like Fencing or Archery would probably be better. I went through the same thing in a different country, I made my few friends through board games, d&d, and fencing.

hmm, taking a class is a really bad way to learn conversation-centric language skills.

for anyone here learning a language, check out:

http://www.fluentin3months.com/

The TLDR on that site (and his book) is basically conversational practise (anywhere you can get it) is much much more important than lessons, which are too different from how our brains are designed to learn languages (which is by usage, not grammar rules.) I would say that this is especially true for someone who can already write as the OP can, but just has trouble with confidence in talking to people in person.

The key lesson for OP from FI3M, is that people are very infrequently angry with you for speaking their language wrong. English speakers may have more of a sense of entitlement than speakers of other languages (dominant culture, etc) but in general people will do their best to communicate, however slowly (assuming you catch them in a situation where they have time.) A good way to do this is meeting someone for coffee explicitly to practise English. Either they can learn your language in return, or you buy them the coffee, obviously! :)

(edit: situations where you can do this! You could always "buy an English lesson" from someone, I suppose. You could also arrange to meet someone you met at an English class on a different evening, in order to practise together, especially if your only common language is English.)

Having conversations with people is a great way to learn, and also make friends. People love an accent and odd phrasing. Just keep talking to people.

Do some group sports. Yoga, dancing, skateboarding, table tennis, whatever. Go to clubs, or bars where people talk. Introduce yourself to people. Eventually, when you keep going back you'll make some friends.

Are you into music or art? Why not go and see some shows? Or take a life drawing class or some such. Maybe start collecting records, or join a photography group.

Don't talk about your job with people. There is nothing people find more boring.

Keep getting out there, and have fun :)

> Making friends is incredibly difficult once one is an adult,

What a horrible society we must have if it enables this; insular, isolating, compartmentalizing.

Language isn't as important as you'd think. I've made friends with a Russian guy playing Counter-Strike, and neither of us speak each other's language. We've had a lot of fun insulting each other using Google Translate, and we just enjoy playing with each other.

Wrong language. Not English. Help out a class for your native language. Tutor before/after class anyone who wants to talk in your native language. If the conversation tends toward "lets go get coffee / tea / movie / bar whatever after class" well, that's what happens. "I've got a great idea, how about I take you to dinner and you try to teach me as much English as I'm teaching you?" or if bunch of guys, "Oh you're watching football together on Sunday afternoon, could I come over to work on my English, I'll bring some beer?"

Also if you are asian and start talking in perfect English like George Takei they're going to assume you're perfectly extroverted and an expert on American social cultural norms and behaviors, oh good how nice and stressful if you're introverted. But if you're just good enough to communicate most of the time while clearly putting in some kind of effort, they'll cut you a huge amount of slack, regardless if the actual problem is you're all introverted anxious exhausted. He's not terrified to be talking to a pretty girl, he's just having English troubles, no problem.

Even for non-introvert people, it may be difficult to make friends when moving to a different country.

When I was living in the US, it was quite hard for me to make american friends. Probably because of the language barrier, and also because the "natives" don't feel the urge to make new friends as they have groups of friends already.

On the other hand, it was much easier to bond with other foreigners, especially people from my country or with similar culture. At least as a starting point, I think your best bet would be to find other asians who you could relate to.

Besides that, just taking place in various activities will eventually help you to make friend (but it can take time). But not all activities are equal for that matter so you may need to try a few ones. For instance, I was in a swimming club where people barely talk to each other. And in a boxing class where I made a bunch of diverse friends.

As for meeting women, online dating is the way to go I suppose. Living in New York, i was very surprised how easy it was. Actually, I found it much easier to find girlfriends than friends.

Also introvert Asian engineer here, quite a bit older, and it sounds like we have different backgrounds. The good part is that you've identified what you don't want. The trickier part is finding solutions.

1. Do stuff alone? - simple as doing suggesting or asking to do things with others. Don't have a roommate? Move and get a roommate. Interview them before moving in. When I was 26, I was tired of being alone also, so I found a roommate. It didn't work perfectly, but it helped me learn how to live with someone else.

2. English - to work on pronunciation, record yourself and listen to it. Practice all the time, listen, and adjust. To work on phrases and vocabulary, don't be afraid to ask people to explain it to you. Tell them you never heard of the phrase growing up. It may spark a conversation and will help with talking to people in general.

Like startups, there will be rejection and the fear of rejection. Look at your successes and failures objectively and correct accordingly. Engineer your life =D

I strongly agree with the roommate comment and will take it even further.

I've lived in a 4-bedroom for years and the social opportunities never end. OP should get some roommates. Then, throw some parties or host interest-themed get-togethers (e.g. game nights).

Things that worked well for me:

1) Rock climbing gyms. I made a lot of great friends at Mission Cliffs and Berkeley Ironworks. I have no natural talent for climbing, but I love the mental and physical challenge, and I enjoy the social aspect.

2) A super-social connector. When I first moved to the Bay Area, I made a ton of new connections through the marketing woman at my startup. Simply by saying 'yes' to invitations and actually following through, I found my social network increasing.

3) Meetup.com and various activity groups. When I was in Tokyo, I found Tokyo Gaijins to be a great resource for meeting people. Like food? Take a cooking class.

By the way, living on the Peninsula without a car is social suicide. Move to SF, that's where all the cool kids are. Also -- potentially controversially -- SF is the home of Asian women dating dorky white guys. If you want to meet a nice girl, do what my (Asian) friend did and move to Vancouver, B.C. He went from perpetually single to dating in a few months, and got married last year.

Asian Male here, can't deny the truth. Interesting recommendation. What is it that makes Vancouver so great (for an asian dude)?

The Bay Area has a strong "rationalist" community (lesswrong.com, CFAR, MIRI, etc.) which has tons of people like you. They have meetups all the time and are generally welcoming, I've had a lot of fun hanging out with them. You don't have to buy into the ideas, and you'll get to meet some interesting characters, to say the least.

I have moved over the last 15 years from Germany to Hawaii to California to Tokyo and now to Singapore. If you want to meet people you need to get out. Join activities. In Japan I was cooking for the homeless (http://www.foodbank.asia/our-program), in California I was studying Muay Thai at Stanford, in Singapore I am playing In Shadows. There is always something to do you can enjoy. And yes, when I originally moved I was introvert and awkward, too.

Get used to loneliness. I figured it the hard way, the more you try to get out the numbing pain of loneliness by trying to make friends, the more people do not want to make friends with you. Do your stuff, take music classes, listen to good music, become awesome at the thing you're already good at through practice and more importantly stop trying hard to make friends. Then you have a greater probability that you'll make some good friends.

This is actually an incredibly good point; although counterintuitive. However, OP, you should focus on your advantages and why they make you fucking awesome. At this point, I am not sure if you are being a friend to yourself. It is possible that your ethnicity, your accent/lack of it, your assets are hindering you from making friends with some people. However, this is a planet of six billion people. Find out what makes you truly happy and make peace with yourself. Seek out things that make you happy. At that point, you will attract people around you who truly enjoy your company. Be patient. Superficial relationships are easy. Making really good friends/strong relationships is incredibly hard. For everyone.

A sensible suggestion among many canned responses.

I would say "get used to being alone", though. If you are OK with being alone, you don't feel lonely very often.

Reminds me of a Bukowski poem:

  there are worse things than
  being alone
  but it often takes decades
  to realize this
  and most often
  when you do
  it's too late
  and there's nothing worse
  than
  too late.

The best advice I can give you is find a dance studio and take a beginner Latin/swing/ballroom class. Make sure to find the super-beginner variety, it will help to know that everyone is basically in the same place as you. It is a social setting and everyone is there for basically one thing, to dance! Approaching strangers and asking them to dance is not only not awkward in this context, it is absolutely encouraged. It has the added benefit of you collecting a skill that most men do not possess, the ability to dance. All women love to dance, so you will instantly become attractive, regardless of whether you are physically handsome or can speak English, you will immediately climb the attraction ladder.

Seriously. Go out and dance!

Met my wife by learning to salsa dance!

I was going to say the same exact thing. Take a dance class, then start going to some social dances in the bay area, then meet up for drinks with people afterwards, and then, bam you have a group of friends. Especially in the bay area, there is a very strong dance community.

My advice? Learn to partner dance. I always say it's the most fun you can have with modular arithmetic.

I'm pretty introverted, but I've been an enthusiastic swing dancer for 17 years now. Start by taking classes. You'll meet a bunch of people. Also, there's a structure to the interactions there. You're all there to learn, you're all just starting out in the dance, you're all meeting each other for the first time, etc. After a few months, you'll start making friends from classes. Somewhere in your first 1-3 months of classes, you'll go out dancing socially, like to a bar, or a club, or a concert, etc. You'll meet more people there, too. Also, it's super fun!

Another thing that has been great for me about dancing is that it's social, but it's not very verbal unless I want it to be. There have been many times I've felt drained and didn't want to spend a lot of energy holding up a conversation. On those nights, I'd go out for an evening of dancing and dance with 1 or 2 dozen different women and barely said more than "Would you like to dance?" and "Thank you for the dance." I'm a native English speaker, but I still find conversation draining sometimes. Dance gives me a way to get out of the house and interact with people and avoid staying in the house and compounding anxiety. Also, it's super fun!

Pick a dance where people go out and dance socially at places other than dance studios (swing/lindy hop or salsa are your best bets. IMHO, lindy hop is far and away the best. Also, there are tons of guys in IT in lindy hop, so you'll fit right in.) Technically, people can ballroom dance anywhere, but in practice, at least in Chicago, there are no weekly ballroom events that I know of outside of ballroom dance schools. The reason I advise this is that classes are great for learning the dance and for having a social structure to rely on, but you also want to have unstructured social time with people you've been meeting in classes. Also, you'll meet more people this way and dancing socially is a ton of fun. If you have a weekly dance or two to go see friends at, it's easier to stick with classes than if you're taking classes so that you can get better for... taking more classes.

I mostly agree with what you say, but ballroom is also a good choice -- its true that social dances usually are held at studios, but they often draw a broader crowd than dances at the same studio, and if you are in a place with an even half-decent ballroom scene, you can find multiple studios besides the one you take classes at (assuming you only take classes at one) for social dancing, so you can get quite a bit of variety.

With your current attitude, especially including the fact that you're considering yourself an "Asian introvert" rather than simply an introvert, you're not going to make friends. I think you should give up. The entire post was one big self-loathe, and you need to stop feeling so sorry for yourself. Also, you cannot be serious about that whole bit about a girl not wanting you if you don't have a car. That's the mentality of a five year-old boy. Get some confidence; do some push-ups. Get it together, engineer.

The first thing I would to is to become interested in your co-workers. Ask them about their lives, how they got to your company, why they came to your company, what they did before. Ask them about their views on current events. This is how humans connect, by being interested in one another. You might also want to read "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influenc....

The second most important thing is to ask for people for advice (which is what you're doing right now). It can be work-related, life-related it doesn't matter. By showing that you are open for advice, you show that you value their point of view and you give them the opportunity to communicate what they're best at.

Regarding how to find the right girl, check out the Youtube channel from RSD Julien, the co-founder of Real Social Dynamics who is talking a lot about self-improvement and how to constantly expose yourself to things you are afraid of. But all in all, it's not about the girls, it's about you. So don't chase after girls, chase after your own best self and the right girl that loves you exactly the way you are will come automatically. He started out similar to you, not having many friends and being afraid of talking to women. Have a look here at his story https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGp25fn25Cs

Learn to ride a motorcycle. They are great for your area, awesome on gas, never worry about traffic, and park anywhere. But most importantly, anyone with a motorcycle will treat you like a best friend or even a brother just because you're riding a motorcycle. That's two problems solved at once.

Also, you're a techie so getting into a conversation at your local shop might be a bit of a drag. Get online, find your local Linux user group, programmer's meetings, hacker meetings, and similar events. Go there and start talking to people. "How did you end up here?" is a great way to break the ice.

Finally, if you want to meet people outside your field that are interested in the same things as you then try MeetUp.com for hobbies, OKCupid.com for dating, and Craigslist for performing satanic rituals in the woods. Okay, maybe I'm kidding about that one, but try it. Friday night you go on one of these pages and find a MeetUp event the next day and go to it. After seeing the same people a few times you can ask them for drinks or food after your meeting. If you're brave, ask them the first time. Should be easy.

Also, your written English is fine and because English is spoken by such a large number of non-native speakers you will find that most people will forgive small mistakes. And the ones that don't are usually not worth your friendship in the first place.

"Learn to ride a motorcycle.", or start riding a bicycle, there's usually a couple of cycle clubs in most areas and most are pretty open and welcoming. Get the bonus of getting fit at the same time.

I bought a motorcycle when I was in school and never met anyone with it. People will wave to you in the street but how do you turn that into friendship?

Take your motorcycle to a local monument or park or look-out spot. Park next to all the other motorcycles. Find someone standing next to their bike and say something like "that's a nice bike. What is that?" Let them tell you about their bike. Ask them if they ride in the area. Tell them you're also from the area. Ask them if they want to go for a ride sometime. See if they're with a group. Ask if you can join their ride. Ride with them. Usually rides end up at a restaurant or bar. Hang out. Exchange numbers. Go for rides some other time. Tell them you're a new rider and ask for tips. Tell them you've never changed your oil and ask them if you could do it together when they change theirs. This works especially well if you have a bike that everyone else has. Get a gixxer or an R6 and rake in the friendships.

The two most valuable things I learned in high school:

* Most of the time, people are too worried about themselves to worry about you. For you, that means if you talk and smile, people will not care about your English. Yes, they'll notice it. They may even say to themselves, "His English is not good!" But if you act like it's not a problem for you, it won't be a problem for them.

* Schedule conversations and times to check in with people. A lot of posters here mention maintaining relationships, and many say it's hard for them. Just schedule it in! "Call Tony. Figure out conversation topic... hmm, just got new job, ask for advice." Or "Call Tony. Ask about his new car." Have a topic to start with and then see how things go. Maybe you just want to invite some people to a Mozart concert. The conversation might end after that, or it might continue. Either is ok.

A weird cultural thing: in Europe if I smiled as much as I do in the Midwest of the US people would/do think I'm a little disturbed. In the US people smile a lot. An Asian-American male friend has commented that people think he's angry sometimes when he is simply looking into the distance and deciding whether he needs to pick up cereal today or tomorrow. I'm sure this is not true for everyone, but maybe think about what others see when they look at your expression.

The best way to make friends is to find some sport or social club and join in. Friendships should develop over time, as you see people frequently in a relaxed setting.

A good idea here is to join a social sports team -- in New Zealand I'd recommend you play rugby, but I don't know what you play in America.

If you don't like sport, that's cool. Just find something that you're interested in, and find some pre-existing group of people that is formed around this common interest, and join in.

Someone's already said it, but starting with something like meetup.com just to give you that initial confidence boost and practice socializing would be perfect. Once you've gotten used to seeing, talking, and shooting the shit with other humans once a week I think everything else that you want (meeting girls, making close friendships) will develop naturally.

Also, because you're in the bay, I can make a few personal recommendations:

- Start rock climbing. If you're near south-bay, hit up Planet Granite. If you're in the city, maybe Dog-Patch. You'll not only become stronger and more physically confident, but you'll also learn how to socialize, meet, and make friends with strangers.

- Check our your local hacker-spaces. Hackerdojo is probably a good bet, given your location. There's usually classes or meetups for a particular interest on weekends which are well attended. At the worst, you'll show up and learn something.

Perhaps one last bit of advice: try to learn to be happy by yourself. This means enjoying the time you spend reading, learning, walking, etc, and not spending that time contemplating how you'd be happier if you were with friends. Gradually, this poise and contentment will transform itself into a very attractive self-confidence :)

I strongly, strongly recommend that you take up swing dancing. You do not need a partner and you do not need to know how to dance. I promise you that if you take a beginner class in lindy hop, it will be the most fun you have had in years.

It's totally unintimidating. Lessons usually run for 6 weeks and you go once a week. Usually the teachers will have everyone form a big circle and you will rotate through partners. By the end of the hour, you will have danced with 20 or 30 different people. When the instructor says rotate, you go to the next person, introduce yourself and then dance to an old 40s swing song for a minute or so. There is nothing in the world like real partner dancing (unlike that embarrassing thing that people call rock and roll dancing).

It's totally fun and you will make QUALITY friends. Not a bunch of drunk bar flys. Most swing venues do not serve alcohol. It really is a small part of the total experience.

Even if you are married, this would make a great date night. Give it a try for 6 weeks, you will love it. Here are some lindy hop places near you on yelp:

http://www.yelp.com/search?find_desc=Lindy+Hop&find_loc=Redw...

Great suggestion :)

It don't mean a thing, if it ain't got that swing!

Non-English speaker here, not sure if I can express it correctly and accurately, but I'll try:

Do NOT make friends just for making friends, but start doing something (sports for example) you are interested in and join the group of people with the same interest, everything else will follow.

And you seem to think too much even before you start interacting with other people - yes, introvert people often act like this, but, try to enjoy the moment. Try read The Power Of Now.

Confidence is the name of the game.

I understand that it's tough not speaking English as a native language. I understand that you don't feel like you have a lot going for you socially. At the end of the day any one person can come up with a million reasons why they're not "cool".

I program all day. I have bad breath. I don't drink. I have trouble hearing. I have a soft voice. I get really sleepy.

It up to you what you want to let hinder your social life. In high school, I was extremely introverted and had little experience talking to girls. To build up my confidence, I started working out, reading magazines like men's health and GQ to build out a more stylish wardrobe and pick up on some social queues. And slowly I became friends with a few other people. We weren't the coolest bunch in town, but by the end of my senior year, I was certainly one of the best-known faces on my high school campus.

Of course, then I realized years later that while this was all good, I had lost sight of one of true passions: programming ;-)

The one thing that helped me the most when I just finished university and lived alone in a foreign country without any friends was to take a look at activities and clubs nearby and become a member. Since I was shy and found it hard to express myself, I decided to force myself to join an improvisation theater group. This really helped me a lot to meet people I wouldn't have otherwise met and to be in situation where it's much easier to communicate because you have some shared interest which isn't work.

This may sound trite but I think that this really helped. My choice of doing theater was also great to improve language skills and confidence I think (my english wasn't that great either then).

I recommend clubs where there are activities because if you just go to meetups, it's often very hard as the new guy to approach people. Social activities like improv theater or sports or board games or anything like this creates a basis of interaction with the people around you making it much easier to meet.

Extrovert networker/sales guy here.

My advice is to focus on the things that really interest you. If you are passionate about something, you'll get good at it and with skill you will gain a quiet confidence.

Join a club (non tech/engineering related), if you suck at whatever it is, people will be there to help you and teach you, you'll make friends!! And as you get better, you can then help the other newbies that join up.

Quiet confidence is the critical success factor in the lady front. If you are focusing on you and doing things that interest you, you will meet the right kind of woman. If she's put off the fact you don't have a car - she's the wrong woman for you anyway.

As previously said, 'How to Win Friends and Influence People is a must read'... a must!

Once you have read it, THEN talk to a stranger everyday. Treat it as an iterative process, split test approaches, track responses etc. You will learn through failing forward, it's the only way.

Best of luck!

Normally, the root of this type of problem, is in the judgemental thinking.

I know how this is because I also judge a lot. I judge to the point of creating stories in my head that, in the end, I think I should not act, because of this, this, and that...

The solution to this issue is to lower your judgemental thinking. Relax. Don't worry about your english, don't worry about what people might think if you say what's in your mind, and stop creating stories in your head. Just be yourself.

If you're awkward, that's nice. If you have accent, that's nice too. If you don't have anything to say, don't say anything. You know... these days people urge to find good listeners. Everybody just want to talk, talk, talk, but few really want to listen. Listen to what people around you are saying and I'm sure you'll find good friends.

Argentine Tango classes. Seriously. The bay area has some fantastic tango opportunities! No partner needed.

Find a friendly, welcoming instructor and go to learn about the dance and culture. Something curious: In the Seattle area at least the Tango community is full of engineering types.

One of the great things about tango is how you ask people to dance. With your eyes and nod of your head. It takes an amazing amount of pressure off when you don't have to walk up to someone to ask them to dance. Something which terrified me, sans alcohol, until I was in my mid-40s and started tango.

You'll definitely make friends. And there are opportunities, especially in your area, to socialize as often as you wish. I feel like I acquired an entire family by joining the tango community.

In the Bay Area there are tons of fascinating people. I met more such in my first 2 weeks there than in two years of living in some other places.

Being new to a place may be hard. But in the Bay Area you can find a http://www.meetup.com/ for many, many topics (choose topics you genuinely enjoy); it may be a great place to start. Being an introvert myself (though one who have learnt to start conversations) having some topic to start (like Meetup's main theme, or the last talk topic) is great.

Lack of car in US may be a hard thing... but: you have Caltrain & as of now it may be more cool (and healthy) to be more bike-oriented (at least, in the Bay Area).

I am Asian and am currently a student at an American University. I don't exactly think of my self as an introvert but here is my (opinionated) 2 cents based on my experience.

1. You say you don't have any roommates, you should probably start there. It will help you save money too. craigslist should be helpful there.

2. You mentioned that your internship is about to end, why don't you take your team out for a couple of drinks/lunch/dinner. You can thank your colleagues for their help through your internship and also get to know them personally/share anecdotes.

3. Make a trip to the local pub/bar (specially near universities), you can always strike a conversation with the bartender (maybe something like how you miss a particular beer back home). After you had a drink or two, it lowers your inhibitions, you could start up conversations with others, perhaps with ones sitting next to you at the bar. I met a lot of different people like this, not necessarily friends but you sure will have a good time.

4. Since you are at the university, you should try to get into the community groups, sports clubs etc.

5. You would definitely have group projects at the university, pick different teammates every time and make sure you use every opportunity to socialize with them, meet at the library to study, ask for/offer to help in assignments, suggest going out for dinner/drinks/movie etc. to informally celebrate start/end of project, perhaps even a tiring day working on the project. And, make sure you follow up and don't let those people slip away after your projects. Invite and go out with them to catch up once a while etc.

6. I noticed that, at least in my university, there are barely any Americans in the Masters program if you choose courses in core computer sciences. If you want to meet locals or people from different backgrounds/interests, then you can choose to take up at least one course that coincides with your hobby/interest e.g. music101 etc.

Edit - If you are at/visiting Chicago, let me know, I will definitely be up for a beer to two and meet a new person

My friend! Best thing ON EARTH for this is a very famous book on the subject "How to Make Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. I recommend the audio version. It's practical and effective. Don't waste time, read/listen to it and apply the principles it teaches. This is the Wikipedia entry about the book. Use it to get you started. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influenc...

Remember: The most important part is practicing the principles you learn. Get out there, build your confidence and make some friends! Good Luck.

Thanks for the book!

This will disappear in the noise but I sincerely hope it gets to you because experience has taught me it's true.

Firstly, it sounds like you are prioritizing school/work above yourself. Remember that work and your education are a means to and end. That end is having a fulfilling life and finding happiness. Now, I don't know you so your goals may be different (e.g. you may seek spiritual enlightenment) but for most people, happiness is what they're after and many don't even realize it.

Humans are social creatures, which is why social isolation is hurting you so much. The way we've evolved physically even indicates this. For example, the whites of our eyes are more exposed than any other creature including primates and the color difference between our pupil and iris has a high contrast. This is so that others can see what direction we're looking in - it's a form of intra species communication that we've developed because we're such social creatures.

Now, on to solving the issue of isolation.

I'm 40 years old and it took me the first 35+ years of my life to realize how you make friends. It's quite simple:

You make friends through shared experiences and the more intense and prolonged the experience, the deeper the friendship.

That's it. So lets test this:

Think of the best friends you have made throughout your life. They are school friends, friends you did intense activities with, took risks with, got into trouble with, failed with or had successes with.

For me they are surfing buddies, people I worked with at startups during the dot-com boom (including my wife), people I climbed mountains with and so on.

I'm sure many on HN can vouch for this.

So assuming the above is true: That you make friends through intense shared experiences, the problem you're facing becomes relatively easy to solve.

You're not going to make friends by going to a pub or standing on a street corner.

You might not make friends in your internship because you're just too busy to interact or it's not that kind of job.

You mentioned that you have weekends - and you currently dread them. So take those two days and put yourself in situations where you have intense experiences that you share with others.

You might join a mountain biking club and do beginner rides with other beginners. Or if you're not physically active, join an ethical hacker group and try to qualify for the DefCon capture the flag competition with other hackers. I don't know what your interests are, but putting yourself in situations where you're having intense shared experiences with others is what you need to do. They don't have to be throw-yourself-out-of-an-airplane intense, but riskier experiences are better at forming deep relationships in my experience. So take a few risks with others. If you don't already have friends, joining clubs is the best starting point I think.

Now, about those girls you want to meet:

The best way to solve this is to get a car. If you're in california you MUST get a car. You are not going to get laid if you don't. Simple. Trust me on this - I was a 20-something in Southern California working for a tech company once. If you can't afford one, rent one on the weekends. Make a plan. But get a car.

Secondly: You need to make a few bros. This sounds ridiculous but the best way to meet girls is to get a few guy friends. You need social proof. You need a few bro’s to vouch that you’re not insane, creepy or dangerous and to bring you into a circle. So start by solving the problem of making guy friends. Through your guy friends you will inevitably meet a few girls and they’ll realize you’re OK because you’re with guys they know and things will start to happen.

And get off Facebook. A wise man I know once told me that the less you have going on, the more you’re on Facebook. Get out there in the real world and start having some cool experiences with other people and you’ll find that the rest starts to take care of itself.

And regarding your accent and ability to speak English: Don’t worry about that one bit. Pretend the problem doesn’t exist, hold your head up high and just communicate in your own way. Believe it or not there are people out there that think that foreign accents and English learners are cool.

One last note: If you have trouble joining clubs or getting into groups to do things, don’t let that stop you. Just go out there and do stuff on your own. Go for a hike on a popular trail and force yourself to engage people you meet. Ask them for directions if you have to even if you know where you’re going. You’ll find there are plenty of friendly people (I’m one of them) that will ask you to join them on the hike for a while and start chatting with you.

I wish you the very best of luck.

Edit: I wanted to add: Some folks have recommended Cialdini's "Influence" as a book to read. Be careful of some of the stuff he teaches e.g. Reciprocity. If you keep doing people favors as Cialdini suggests you will actually find you are resented to a certain degree. As someone else here mentioned - having people do YOU favors is a more effective way to gain friends - and make sure you then return the favor but don't overdo it. Also "How to make friends and influence people" is another book to be careful of. For example he teaches to memorize someone's name and use it. Well guess what, every car salesman out there has read this text and if you keep saying "Mark" this and "Mark" that, I'm going to think you're a sleazy car-salesman-type and avoid you - and most others will do the same. Just be confident, hold your head high and go out and put yourself in situations where you're sharing experiences with the kind of people you want to have as friends.

This is exactly what I would say, as they are the same conclusions I came up with the hard way.

The one thing I might at is about girls: it's a chicken and egg problem here. You get good with girls by talking to them. After my first girlfriend I felt like I could talk to almost all girls now.

So if you weren't so lucky as to grow up with female family members, start by becoming friends with girls even if you don't find them attractive. Especially so, since you won't feel the extra pressure. Eventually it will all bear fruit.

It's a long journey, but the sooner you start the more time you will have.

> Believe it or not there are people out there that think that foreign accents and English learners are cool.

Not only that, I think that a person who has an accent and speaks English imperfectly, yet carries himself confidently, is particularly intriguing to many people. They're often more interesting than the normal confident guy, because there's an element of mystery. "This guy is really cool and is probably popular where he came from. I bet he has lots of interesting stories to tell about things I've never experienced."

Also, foreignness is probably the best conversation starter that I can think of. People love asking about where you came from, and if it's true that so-and-so happens there, and what do you like about America? People LOVE teaching the basics about their culture to curious foreigners, it makes them feel like an ambassador.

There's so much you can ask other people ("how does X work here", "Did you grow up doing Y?"). If you can't think of something to talk about, talk about food. There's a million conversations you can have about food to someone from another culture.

In short, don't feel intimidated by being foreign - it can be a huge advantage to you once you get confident!

I completely agree with this. When you move to a new place by far the best place to make actual friends is to join existing clubs or groups doing things that you're interested in doing or learning about. If you like hiking, join a hiking club. If you want to learn dancing, join a dancing group. For me, I joined karate groups and made lots of good friends that way. Talking to strangers without context is hard for people like me, but in a setting where there is a clear goal (going hiking, learning to kick people in the face, etc) is way way easier.

The parent comment is really a good advice. I really think that doing an activity in a group helps: when you get too shy you can comfortably hide in the group, when you want to talk you will have people with similar interests that will be keen to listen.

Now I am in my 30s, but when I was 24 I left my home country in Europe to work for an year and a half in the US, then moved again to another foreign country (UK). Work was great, but it was really difficult to meet new people, not to mention girls. My English wasn't good and I didn't know anybody apart from my colleagues. So I learned it the hard way: I enjoy photography and I got into a local flickr group. Doing photo walks allowed me to get in touch with different people with the same passion as me, without having to think too much as the way I used to speak. The "walks" allowed me also to walk by with one person at the time, avoiding the awkward moments when you are supposed to talk in a table where all the other people can talk easier than you. I also met a good bro who I still see quite often! And when bored, I could ask him if he wanted to go to the cinema, to have a beer or to see an art exhibition. Few years later we even got into talking to some girls in bars. That didn't go too far most of the time, but it helped the self esteem and I could feel better when talking to random people. I also started rowing (but you could try another team sport). It was a beginners' team, and even if I left it in the end I really think it boosted my confidence to hear the other guys support.

Also, I really think you can improve your English by watching TV and films. And learning to drive/having a car might inspire you to join interesting activities (my experience says that the US can be a difficult country to live in without a car).

I have to be honest with you because it's something I've learned in the past while and it's something you'll need to learn to accept. The harsh reality is, there are a lot of people like you and sometimes you just have to learn to live with it. First off, you'll need to accept this fact. When you have, you'll want to do activities that will help improve yourself and boost self-confidence (ie. working out, hikes, learn to cook better or whatever you enjoy). Be active. Take pride in your work. Buying a car will also help you grow and boost some self confidence. Improve yourself, and everything will work out. That is the key.

No joke: I bought a dog. Probably the best way to come into chats with complete strangers :-D Also don't underestimate the value of your body language. That is often more important than your skill at expressing your thoughts into language.

I think babies are the best way, actually. (I'm not advising the OP to have a baby, though, at this particular juncture, though it'd definitely keep him busy.)

babies depends on social contacts :P

The language barrier is a problem, but it can also be an opportunity. Try looking for conversation clubs or meetups (look on facebook, too) -- perhaps you can find someone who wants to learn your native language and you can teach each other.

I'd recommend you picking up a hobby where you'll have to interact with people. For example joining a beginner dancing class (salsa/mambo). It's a lot easier to start conversation with people who have common interest. It feels a lot more natural. I'd also suggest to start working out a couple of times a week. It will make you more confident. You also mentioned that you do a lot on your own. Don't expect people to invite you to events. Try to plan something on your own and invite them. Like movie/gaming night, barbecue and etc. That will show that you are interested and want to be friends with them.

I would add that taking a social dancing class is a good idea because OP stated he wanted to meet women. So, that's kind of built in to the process...

In my experience ("lindy hop" swing, tango) social dancing has LOTS of engineers/scientists so the communities are very accepting of the social awkwardness.

And assuming the OP is Korean based on his handle, lindy hop is incredibly, incredibly, popular back at home...

Try and find an English Conversation Class. This is not the same as "normal" English classes (where you study from a textbook). In a conversation class, you are grouped (or paired) with people who are in a similar boat to yours, and you talk. Depending on the teacher, you will probably be given a topic to discuss.

This is a great way for improving your language and social skills, because you're talking to real-life human beings. Conversing is (IMHO) the best way of learning a language.

Good luck with it! And don't worry about being an introvert. It makes your social life a bit harder, but it's not a show stopper.

1. Stop waiting to be invited to the party. Be the one who creates it (eg. invite people out to lunch and other activities). 2. Assume and act like everyone you meet is already your friend.

Friendship (and success with women for that matter) is largely a self-fulfilling prophecy.

3. Go out, talk to people, and force yourself out of your comfort zone

No amount of reading and theorizing will ever substitute for real-world experience.

You've got to learn how to create your own reality and not depend on others giving you permission. Surround yourself with other confident people and pay attention to what makes them different (hint: it's not their accent or physical appearance).

Bingo !!! Met someone like myself (few years ago). I can't read all the comments and don't know if someone might have already mentioned it. Being introvert is not bad (it's a sign of a Scientist or a total looser). And I am sure you are not the later one (You being a Software Engineer :). The only thing you need to do now is stop thinking about how others enjoy "Many people spend money for the people they don't like, buy stuff they don't want, and impress people they don't want to". Grab a beer on Friday night, I am sure you can find another introvert. On a good Saturday morning wake up, listen to Coldplay, play some games, go out for a movie @ 2 or 3, sit in a pub offering happy hours 5 PM onwards and come back to home. If you are still left with some energy continue the game you left in the morning. Wake up in hangover on a Sunday Morning. Watch unlimited videos on YouTube or 9gag.tv, it will make you feel there's still more retards out there in the world. End your Sunday night somehow and the wake up early in the morning on Monday and start studying (anything, anything you like. I would say learn statistics and probability). Do your job and come back to home. Repeat it on weekdays. But don't forget to plug in earphones all this time.

That would sound shitty, but I have inculcated it in myself and I would say "Being introvert is awesome !!!". Enjoy and stay away from phone when you sit in a pub :)

One thing that I've noticed about people who are awkward at conversation is that they may be fine with WHAT they say, but they often don't know WHEN to have a conversation. For instance you probably will not have great luck making a friend if you interrupt them at their desk while they are concentrating or are in the middle of a conversation with somebody else. In fact, there may not be very many times at work or school when people are receptive to talking. I have seen a quiet person who never spoke a word to anybody suddenly make a grand attempt at conversation just at an awkward moment, only to go back into their shell when the other person wasn't able to talk just then. The thing is - most people would actually want to make a new friend, but you may freak them out with poor timing.

Some people are good at breaking the ice and chatting in any situation whatsoever. These are charismatic people who don't need help making friends. For the rest of us, we need to stack the deck in our favor.

So when exactly is a good time to talk to people? In my opinion that's when they relaxing and having fun. So, how do you implant yourself into those situations? As other have said, joining a club or doing some activity is really the best way. If you are out there doing things then you simply will have many more opportunities to talk to people. Sharing an activity will not only give you that opportunity to meet people, but you'll have something in common to talk about as well.

My advice is to strive for excellence and let the rest come in time. "Excellence" is a journey you can do alone, and it will make you feel better regardless of what happens for you socially.

Ok, so what does this mean? You mentioned you don't speak English well. So the obvious choice is to go to classes to learn English. Definitely do that! But also follow the path of excellence: teach others English. Go to conversation groups and try to help people as much as they help you. Read books and share your favorites with people there. Why do you like them? How did they make you feel? Become more thoughtful. Which English words are your favorites? Memorize your favorite passages and poems. This is going for excellence. It isn't easy, but it's powerful.

Why does this work? Well, it turns out people who love what they do are fun to be around. Now when someone says, "what do you do", you can tell them this: "I'm really excited about learning English. I've never had a chance to really focus on it until now." Then ask them what their favorite words are, and they will join right in. Your energy and love of what you are doing will be fun to be around and interesting.

So now you are learning English and loving it. Do more. Apply this principle to work (master an area, really master it), to exercise (join crossfit, a climbing gym, martial arts, or dance). Follow your interests most of all. Try to put yourself out there 100%. It will take time to find mastery, but as you improve others will notice your energy and be drawn to you naturally.

Clubs, sports and other group events doesn't solve the underlaying problem that in order to get friends or to become friends with someone you have to be interested in that person. If you are interested at someone and value him/her you will most likely like to spend time with them.

Everyone is saying that making friends as an adult is hard. Small talk, meeting new people, being friends is actually really easy. Just be interested about the guy/gal and listen to their story. I think you shouldn't even think that "hey today I'm going to make a friend", they are people, all of us are precious and have a great story to tell. You meet them everyday and if you just wish to get to know them better, listen and be interested. If you can't find the interest to listen to other people or do something with them, you will probably end up not having too many friends. Think about the motives why you want to meet new friends and why haven't you made them yet, what is the underlaying cause? Usually it is not that you are an introvert or can't speak the language properly. And this is something that you need to work with yourself.

Sure sports and clubs can help with the meeting process but as there are people everywhere, it is not the only way. You should go into these things if you want to do the subject of the club.

People who feel lonely eventually become resentful and self-centered; the smallest social interactions gain major significance and are often perceived as hostile.

There's a fundamental truth: You're obsessing over self-imposed issues. http://goo.gl/Doyja

Share your professional/personal experiences to the world. Join communities, attend conventions and get socially involved. Once you start looking for it, you won't believe how many opportunities are waiting for you every day. Be PROUD about yourself and CURIOUS about others as well.

Think about this: by not sharing yourself, you're making a disservice to anyone near who happens to feel the same as you. Everyone is just as "awkward" as you when it comes down to human connections.

People deeply appreciate when you take the burden of breaking the ice; it's the first sign of being CARING – a core quality of any friend!

Being POSITIVE is an attitude, not a mood. You can be sad, and yet still show the confidence to overcome adversitites. Being positive is not only about self-confidence, but about INSPIRING confidence to others. Again: share yourself!

Lastly, don't let failure get into you; don't expect everyone to become your friend, or you might fall again into the self-centered spiral.

I had been through that too. If you'd like an e-mail pal, feel free to contact me. :)

There is a saying in improv, "if you are in your head, you are dead". I am an introvert and spent my 20s in a mis-guided ways, trying to compensate for my introversion with self-pity, joining the pick-up community etc. Its crazy but in all fairness, first and foremost is that stop looking yourself as damaged goods and trust me, you would need experience but "better alone than in bad company". This is what I did to overcome my nagging short-comings,

1. Work-out/Recharge - get into shape, not above average but the best possible shape you can get into. 2. Read, as an introvert this should not be a big problem, but read classics, psychology, philosophy etc. stuff that is not technical and computer science. You will pick language, knowledge and wisdom from these books 3. Mediate - we live in a hyper world, and most of the loneliness and shyness comes from social anxiety, you need to relax - respond to the situation but not react.

Listen.. Listen.. Listen. Talk to those people whom you are willing to listen. Its much easy to engage when you can are willing to listen - most people think they should have something interesting to talk, but often it is that they are not interested to listen to the other person.

These are the things that helped me improve - am I an extrovert now? absolutely not, but I am content with whom I have become.

I was in the same situation 4 years back. Being an immigrant it takes some effort on our side to assimilate in the society and for introverts like me (us) it takes a lot more. First thing I noticed is that I had a very low self-confidence. I've been an introvert all my life with only few friends. Firstly, what changed my life is getting a fitness club membership. It wasn't easy in the beginning seeing all those big guys. So I used to exercise late nights after 11p.m only because i was too self-conscious. My first friend in the city was a cop, he used to exercise off hours.He taught me lifting weights and that changed everything. He was like a coach.He wasn't like a friend i can hang out but that was fine. I felt better and better about myself as I got stronger. Secondly, I was a regular at start-up weekends and other business events .I made friends with couple of developers and business people. I was looking to make friends with them but they were only "networking". Later, one of them asked me if I wanted to be his roommate so we can work on cool ideas together. Slowly, I became friends with his friends. Also, I used to hang out at a 24/7 coffee shop and met other developers and designers. Thirdly, I volunteered at a local animal shelter. I made friends while we walk the dogs and clean the cats :-) .I met my ex-gf there. Also I read lots of books on the art of small talk and how to master conversation skills. Recorded my voice and practiced my accent until it got better. Hey Read this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Culture_shock. Good luck!!

I am not going to give you any advice but I can tell you my experience. You can decide if there is anything meaningful you can get out of it. I was in a similar situation as yours for several years (new to the country and culture). However my English was very fluent. Never had any problem with holding a good conversation with anybody. However, it didn't matter. Friendships are formed based on what you have in common with the other person. The commonality comes from growing up in the same country and culture - having watched the same movies and TV shows, having same childhood heroes etc. No matter how hard you try you can't overcome these limitations because you can't change the past. Once I figured this out, I began to realize that I would effortlessly form friendships with people who are most similar to me (education, background, culture, nationality etc.). And with people who I didn't have much in common with - no matter how hard I tried, we could not be friends. So I stopped trying too hard and stopped being needy. My closest friends are still the ones I formed back in my own country who now live here. You seem like a smart guy, I don't think you will have any problems in making Asian friends with whom you have most in common. Anybody else is a bonus.

As a son of Asian immigrants, here is what I can share from my parents' own experiences 30 years ago.

1) It's really hard. My parents have been in USA for 30 years now, I can't say that they have fully assimilated. They largely stick to Asian neighborhoods with Asian friends. 2) Make friends through activities. Males tend to bond around an activity/hobby, we don't get together just to get together. Activities gives us something to talk about, something to do together and something learn from each other. Maybe it's hacking electronics, gardening, etc. 3) Find something to work at to boost your own self-confidence. It's a cycle, the better you feel about yourself, the more people are drawn to you, which helps you feel better about yourself. The internet typically recommends exercise, but find something you think is a weakness and work at it. For me, it's swimming in open water, which I find absolutely terrifying, but every time I swim a little bit further, I feel a lot better about myself. 4) If you need to get a roommate, get a roommate. Sounds like you are still in college if you are in an internship. When you go back to school, embed yourself into campus life. It's far easier to make long friendships in college than at work.

Go play a multiplayer game and join a guild. I know this sounds counter-intuitive as how could you improve your extroversion by participating in what most would consider an introvert activity? The truth is that while the social contact is minimal (much greater these days with the adoption of voice chat), it's still more than what you're currently getting. When you are a strong introvert, you need to take baby steps. But this advice isn't without some caveats. See below:

1) You have to remember that this is a stepping stone. Do not get overly addicted. This is the double edged sword. If you can avoid addiction, this will be a boon, if not, it will only hurt you. Don't forget that this is a stepping stone.

2) Join a non-top tier guild. You're here to learn how to overcome social anxiety, not to be the best damn xxx slayer.

3) Allocate a maximum amount of hours per day and per week you will play and a minimum amount of hours you will play with others while doing so. Do not let this simply turn into a game; it's purpose is to reduce social anxiety and have fun doing it.

4) If there are people in the guild who are local (let's say within 100 miles). Go and meet up with them. You will have an instant bond and conversation will flow much easier.

5) Just to reiterate the first point - this is a stepping stone.

Best of luck.

----- Thank you for sharing! Believe me: even for people that are reasonably ok with strangers, it can be hard to find friends in adult age. I think, I have the same kind of a problem. So I wouldn't concentrate on introversion or something. In my opinion, reading books and reflecting won't help you much either, so I wouldn't devote too much time to it. Excessive introversion is not the most pleasant thing, but please don't be obsessed with it. Just be yourself! ^__^

About meeting and finding friends. First thing that comes to mind is participating in some group activity: take Salsa classes (a good way of overcoming shyness, BTW). Buy a bicycle and get in touch with local biking community (via forum or app like www.meetup.com). If you prefer running do the same with running. Or horseback riding, or whatever. Or take cooking classes! Just remember that it must be group activity and your task is not to learn, for example, to cook but to participate in activity with a group of other people. So if you did not find friends in current group for, say, 3 months, move on to the next activity. Also, I would avoid IT-related activities as IT-people in general are "not very social", mildly speaking (I am programmer myself). Good luck!

What extra-curricular interests do you have? • Consider visiting a church. • Go to an open language exchange group. • Look on CouchSurfing, and meet someone for coffee. Those are usually free of charge, and will put you in contact with mostly respectable people.

I'm a TCK, and I'm a foreigner everywhere. I'm now in rural India, and I started a conversation in a supermarket checkout queue with some Chinese coconut fibre traders. "Ni Zhongguoren ma?" "Oh, you speak Chinese? Where are you from? Want to come over for dinner with us?" and now I have friends who I meet every weekend. If you want to make friends online, and miss the days of long conversations on MSN Messenger, try QQ. Several strangers have added me, just wanting to make friends with someone outside China. If you're concerned about language, you can use Google Translate. To save on copy-pasting, I made YouLing for Mac: http://peterburk.github.com/youling that automatically translates both ways. I was also very shy and a victim of bullying when I was younger, so have hope! There are millions of people like you, and more who have had the same struggles before. Peter

I am going to say something totally non-PC, and I apologize for that. Find a bunch of people you would consider not very bright (from your POV) and do your best to hang out with them at all cost. I can't totally put words on it, but it seems to me the more "brainy" your daily thoughts, your social circles are, the more you are at risk of losing your instinct for social relationships... and the cure is to be realeased in the "wild".

I used to be like you (well, maybe except girls, never had problems with them) till the age of 24. Now, at the age of 28, I live pretty active social life and even managed to find few really close friends. The hardest part is the start, to meet these few key people that will get you going -- the rest is a snowball effect. That's no brainer of course, how is the important part. What I have done was making a simple rule to myself: "don't spend weekends at home!". I just kept going anywhere: concerts, exhibitions, events, bars.. basically where people are socializing. Try to overcome your fears and start some small talk: "did it start?", "how much is a ticket?", "what's worth seeing here?" etc. get some confidence in yourself first. After you can comfortably (more or less) ask random person a simple question, try to initiate a little chat. Being smart and intelligent really helps as people generally like chatting and discussing with such person, so you should be fine. There's always a small chance, while chatting with other people, that you will find something in common, something that might extend your acquaintance.

Whatever your preconceived notions of psychoanalysis or any kind of therapy (the kind not involving drugs), I would strongly urge you to seek out a well-regarded and senior shrink or therapist in your area that you can afford to see at least once a week. I'm not sure how one finds a good shrink in your area. In New York, where I live, it involved reaching out to people I knew who had grown up here—I realize this won't be your strategy, but perhaps there are websites or organizations that can help direct you to a well-regarded counselor.

Think before you choose someone; this will be a person with whom you'll spend a lot of time talking about yourself. Is it a man or a woman? Are they middle aged or perhaps older? Are they also Asian, or perhaps with another background? Be honest with yourself about who you may feel the most comfortable talking to. Take your time choosing somebody, and then see them once a week. Don't expect results immediately, but if you can commit yourself to seeing someone regularly for at least six to twelve months, the results may well be life-changing, as they have been for many people I have known going through similar struggles.

If you are naturally suspicious of counseling or psychoanalysis, think about the definite upside of meeting with a shrink regularly: you'll have a regular opportunity to practice and hone your social and conversational skills, you'll get feedback on those skills from an honest professional, you will improve your ability to express yourself to strangers, and you will work on your general English speaking abilities that you mention are a point of concern for you. If your budget can sustain it, it may well be the best money you'll spend for the time being.

I think the one thing you can do that will have a good impact on every area of your life is going to the gym. If you work out regularly and keep healthy, you'll look much better and you'll be much more confident, and it acts as a personal goal that you work towards every day. Go to the gym and work on yourself (pursue personal projects, improve your mindset etc) and you'll find that everything else improves.

Build self-confidence before worrying about women. Get used to making strong eye contact. Learn to smile at every opportunity. Read some self-help books like No More Mr. Nice Guy and Models by Mark Manson. Definitely take up some hobbies that are outside of your comfort zone (something that doesn't involve fixing syntax errors!). Do dance classes make you cringe? Great, you should sign up for that immediately. Watch Yes Man, the movie. Go to the gym and start lifting. Practice meditating everyday for just 8 minutes. Look up rejection therapy, it's an app that gives you a challenge everyday to get rejected. Rejection is good, you'll learn to just accept it and realize that it's not a big deal after all which will allow you to overcome your fears, loosen up, not give a fuck, and live your life on your own terms. You don't have to do all these things at once. Pursue them one by one and I promise you that amazing things will happen to you.

You're asian, so am I. It's very likely that you were raised by parents who only cared about our academics and accomplishments. Unfortunately, we were never taught how to be in touch with our emotions and sexuality. You will never be truly happy until you learn to become comfortable with expressing yourself freely. So with that said, you need to get used to getting out of your head and not try to overthink everything. As nerds, geeks, and hackers, our strongest trait is our ability to analyze things on a very intricate level. But this is bad when it comes to relationships because connecting with another human being is none of that, especially with women, who are very much emotional creatures by design. It's great that you are speaking out about this issue, not many can. Never be afraid to show vulnerability. Good luck on your journey and please keep us updated!

I just finished reading the book "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking"

Please read this. First off, it will make you feel better about yourself and realise that there are many people like you. It also addresses the "Asian introvert living in outspoken America" cultural issue.

To meet people, you need to change your environment. Put yourself in situations where you are forced to interact. Groups or meetups are a great place to get started. It depends on your interests but something active like a sport or dancing will generally help you form better bonds.

Will it happen right away? No, but keep going on a weekly basis and become a regular. You'll find that friendships will happen.

To initiate friendships from these situations, you need to move the relationship to another setting. If you only see the person at the meetup, it's more of an acquaintance.

If you get along with someone you can say something like "Hey, I'm thinking of seeing that new movie this weekend. You want to come along?"

The envy you feel when you see groups is a good thing. It means you want to move in that direction.

When I start to feel social anxiety, I ask myself, "what is the worst that can happen?" And then I reply to myself, "a secret band of assassins could swear a blood feud against my family." All of that is to underscore the absurdity of fear and anxiety.

What really is the worst thing that can happen? People could not call you back and invite you to the next party. Well, you weren't going to that next party if you didn't make the effort anyway. And if you be yourself and they aren't accepting of you, you don't want to be at that next party with those assholes anyway.

Just remember, you're not going to find "best friends forever" right away. Paradoxically, one of the best things you can do when you find a group of people you like is to find another group of people. If you try to "over optimize" your time with that first group, you could alienate them. It's normal to go a month between seeing certain groups of friends, so if you want to see people more often than that, then you have to find more circles in which to hang out.

I read this somewhere recently but I can't find the source but hopefully this helps.

Find a club / local interest group on Meetup.com (or similar), go to this group and see if you like it. You can usually get a feel for how friendly a club is pretty quickly even if people don't approach you or start conversations with you.

If you like the group then approach the organiser, let them know how much you like the group and offer to help in some way, most events can always use extra helpers. Exchange contact details and follow up with an email the next day as a reminder that you were serious about the offer.

Here's the thing, people naturally talk to the organiser team as it's an easy conversation starter ("hey, where is this/that. What time is x" etc) You also become part of the team and included in more social things like visits to the bar or other stuff.

Of course you also meet people with a common interest and other people that are interested in socialising.

Clubs & bars are usually not good places to meet new people as most people go there with friends so are not interested in meeting other people.

Friends introduce you to other friends, so there's a positive feedback loop.

I have several engineer/startup buddies that I usually hangout with once a week, all about 23-30 years old. A couple of us would probably do something low key (hang at someone's house + eat) this or next weekend. If a plan does get put together, you're welcome to join! Just ping me (email in profile) and I'll send you the deets!

Another easy option would be to ask people whom you work with to hang on weekends (hiking is an easy activity, BBQ at the park also works). Go to where most of them are (SF?) and make the hassle of arranging everything, following through with reminders, a facebook event, buying most of the needed supplies, making sure everyone has transportation, etc. Event arranging is a pain in the ass, but if you do it a few times, someone is bound to reciprocate.

If you don't work with people anywhere near your age, or you don't care to hang with them after work, then your current job is not socially fulfilling and you should leave.

There is a lot of advice here on how to behave, what to tell yourself and what to think. It's all nice but the ONLY way to get good at something is to actually do it repeatedly and learn from what happens. To become good at programming you need to be programming a lot. To become good at being social (and making friends) you must be social a lot.

I would say that your main issue is not showing up at all the events where you can socialize.

You have to consistently go to places where you can meet new people. No matter how hard it is for you to go and face your fear you must do it. Start researching meetups, co-ed social sport clubs, jiujitsu classes, volunteering - anything you can think of that will give you the opportunity to meet new people.

If you'll feel awkward or alone it doesn't matter. Keep going. At this point you can start reading the advice here and books on the subject and think what works for you and what doesn't. But remember that 90% is taking action and showing up, that's the only chance something will change.

Life is an RPG, play it.

Grind your stats.

Strength: Find an activity you enjoy that also gets you active. Rock climbing, biking, golf, ultimate frisbee, kite flying. Something you love doing solo.

Wisdom: When I'm learning a new language, I watch shows with English subtitles so that I can hear word usage. If you can find a kids show you can tolerate, it's better because you get a bit simpler sentence structure. So watch our TV with subtitles you understand fluently. Also read in English, fiction or non-fiction but nothing technical, start with kids' books, work your way up. Read with a dictionary at your side and look up every word you don't know. Set alarms on your phone and email if you need to be reminded to turn off the computer and go outside. Also try siteblocking everything that isn't essential to life.

Charisma: It can be easier to speak openly when you're not facing the other person. Sitting or walking or riding bikes side by side, you don't have to focus on their physical cues as much, and you can chat casually. One thing that PUA's do that's valuable is grinding out that part of your brain that worries about what other people think. Just grind it the fuck out, have conversations and fail. If you're weird, let the weirdness show.

Dexterity: Women like a man who's good with his hands. Building skill in something physical - carving wood, a sport, magic tricks - builds confidence.

Intelligence: You're an engineer, so engineer your way out of this. Don't overthink every moment, but hack your social functions. Try to notice the subconscious rules you operate on, if you have the money talk to a therapist for a few sessions. It can be very helpful to have an intelligent and objective expert point out your blind spots to you so you can work on them and balance for them.

1.) the grass is always greener (translation: other people tend to appear happier, more successful, etc... than they actually are; keep this in perspective otherwise you will not be happy with the simple pleasures right in front of you); 2.) meeting new people usually hinges on finding a common interest; since you are self-conscious about your English-speaking skills, perhaps start with a meetup group or association for people who speak your first language (you will probably be more confident in the environment); next, find a meetup group or association for your real favorite interest... http://www.meetup.com/ 3.) I find it easier to talk to other introverts like myself, because I know they are pretty much thinking the same things you and I are thinking, they often don't bullshit as much so you can trust what they are saying much more, and they often value your friendship and are overall better friends.

Obviously, you want to change somthing in your live - therefore you have to start doing new things. Start doing things you always wanted to try and are social and enforce human contact in real life. Skype, MMORPG etc are not a complete interaction as they lack body language and don't develope a lot of subtle communication skill.

Look for hobbies which can be done on a regular basis in clubs ("Hi there! -smile- I am new here, explain me how you are doing xyz) or surprise your coworkers with a random idea ("guys a always wanted to play paintball, who's in? ... Common its a one-off")

Be decisive. Tell people about your decisions and passions.

It seems to me, that you are VERY grounded (calm, sophisticated in the way you do things). You should develop a certain volume of aggressivity and begin to take a risk.

Concerning woman, checkout [1]. However, things they say can be applied to every human interaction!

[1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPCU03Dp8Zw

1. Volunteer. You are highly qualified to tutor in a number of subjects.

2. Look for athletic teams. I'm a boomer, so I'd never have dreamed of playing kickball after 6th grade, but I see millenial twenty-somethings out there in their kickball tee shirts all summer. Or, if you can hit and field, there's softball too. And there are running groups and bicycling groups.

I would like to endorse the idea of tutoring; it can have the free benefit of having your pupil help you with pronunciation.

I would like to expand on point 2. If you make a point to introduce yourself all around and don't interact other than that, you're still in a social situation that benefits you, even if you're focused on playing the game. Further, over time, teams will have some churn, so you're setting yourself up to have medium term casual relationships with lots of people. Finally, there's often a bar outing after such games, allowing for further interaction. Tell your team that you're working on your english; they're committed to you via the team, and are likely to provide you with consistent and quality feedback.

Based on this: ...it's really painful on times when I have a lack of self-confidence. I think it may even become dangerous later.

I suggest reading these: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety_disorder http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Therapist

Being introverted doesn't have to be painful, and you don't have to stop being introverted to stop hurting. A good therapist (and/or medication) can help with that. Part of that will involve changing how you think about yourself, and part of that will involve practicing the things you aren't confident about. Talking to people will become easier that way.

In the Bay Area there's a good chance you'll be able to find a therapist that speaks your native language. If you find it hard to open up with them, start by showing them this post.

I thought I had social interaction down pretty well. At work, I'd always have an entourage of people near my desk chatting. I see friends once a week. But i had no idea that I can be what I am now.

You know those people who can just strike up conversation with anyone? Yeah, It took me 6 months of travel. I suggest you take a gap year to travel. Hostels are the best place to practice social interaction and even if you bomb it, there is always a new group tomorrow.

believe me when I say, it is not your language skill that is lacking. You just aren't interesting enough and haven't tested out the way to converse with people effortlessly yet. As an engineer, do a trial and error if... else if ....

I know this because I met a south Korean with broken english who learned English within one year of travelling. He was the centrr of attention and he talked to everyone. The feeling was, it's just talk. Don't make such a big deal out of it. Some people are assholes and you move on.

Idle social chit chat is not easy for a lot of people. So don't waste time with that. Instead, think about how you can use your gifts to help other people.

Don't volunteer to hand out trays at a soup kitchen. That doesn't leverage your skills. Instead, volunteer to analyze their inventory system to look for more efficient patterns.

Since you're an engineer, you're probably good at math. You could probably teach a GED-preparation class to high school dropouts. You could teach a community college class or tutor a group of students. You'll get practice with talking to people and you'll probably really help out others.

There are a TON of nonprofits that need technical help. Volunteer to run a website (for example). If you don't know how to do that, learn in all that weekend free time!

You have a lot of power to make the world a much better place. Do that selflessly and friendships will follow.

Friendships among dudes are best thought of as alliances formed to help reach a goal.

Find a meaningful goal.

Hi, friend! I had similar problems before. [Chinese]

As a foreign student studying at UK, the cultural difference is exceedingly scary for me at first glance, like the food names, clothings codes and behavior manners. I enjoyed life at Berkeley, while my life here at Cambridge is a big step for me.

However, I have found several hints that may help you understand why you need someone to chat with.

1. As a foreigner, being involved in a community or a small group of friends makes you feel safe.

2. Introversion is not an excuse for being alone, rather, it is a personality that you may enjoy being alone.

3. For those people who have poorer English than you, like me, can have close friends to chat with. What you really need is to target small and expand your social life gradually. (just like a startup)

4. Last but not least, having two or three close friends who understand you and support you is much more valuable than saying hello to everyone in a large party. Check your contact and find them! Ask them for a drink! Playing games together!

Hope this helps. ^_^

You must see a good therapist, even if you pay out of pocket for your sessions. I am also very introverted and have also gone through a few years of loneliness, though not as intense as yours. It's fine to try and fix your problems on your own, but when you fail for several years, there is no shame in getting help from a professional. Psychotherapy has made great progress in the past 50 years with the discovery of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is no longer the wishy-washy pseudoscience that it used to be. Of course, a therapist is not a magician, but it may really help. You must explore this option.

Maybe, like me, you think that seeing a therapist is shameful because it is akin to "admitting defeat". However, it sounds like you've been in an extremely difficult and painful situation for a number of years, which makes seeing a therapist not a defeat; on the contrary, it is the correct thing to do.

Good luck, I hope that you get better.

Get out of your head. You are perfect the way you are. Live in the moment. Love yourself. You don't need anybody else to complete you.

Find something that you are passionate & knowledgeable about that others are also passionate about. Preferable with women. Join meetups.

If you are knowledgeable, you can be an authority figure, which is high status.

Exercise, preferably with other people. Get used to being around confident people.

I personally like yoga. Particularly Kundalini Yoga, since the practice emphasizes social interactions & it's practitioners are full of love.

Figure out what you are good at. You can also get friends who compliment you. For example, you may want to find someone who more socially inclined, but not good in an area that you are good in. It could be mutually beneficial.

Make sure that you are giving & receiving from the friendship. Don't allow it to be a one-sided friendship or someone will grow resentful & not in control over their own life.

Is this really about introversion? You have a hard time with the language and you want to socialize. I would recommend first finding an asian group of friends that mixes with non-asians. That way to can hang out, get translated and slowly integrate into non-asian groups as well. It will take time, enjoy the process and be patient.

I am somewhat in the same boat as the OP. I'm originally from Japan, and all his points #1, and #2 are somewhat applicable to me.

Speaking out from my experience, consider volunteering for something you are interested. I am volunteering for the anime convention for past 10+ years now and it actually does help you find new friends, because you are pretty much forced to communicate with other people. I was a bit of a lone wolf before my 20th, now I know a lot more faces than I used to be.

When it comes to more intimate relationships, then mileage may vary. Hate to say, but the #2 factors can make it very tough. Honestly, I'm struggling with that myself as well, so not much of advise I can give here... (It's a one thing if I can find someone who can embrace the way I am, then that'd be great. But I'm getting older and honestly, I just don't feel worth changing my lifestyle for...)

A few shy/introverted friends of mine like to go to board game playing events. One nice thing about these kinds of events is that there's a lot of structured interaction through the games, and there's an obvious thing to talk about. In my experience, this takes a lot of conversational pressure off and you can be yourself a bit more. And go easy on yourself! Try to enjoy the company of other people without pressuring yourself to "make friends", whatever that means exactly.

Looking on meetup, here's a couple over your way (I'm in NYC, so I can't vouch for these)

http://www.meetup.com/silicon-valley-tabletop-games/

http://www.meetup.com/Peninsula-Board-Games-and-Drinks-20s-a...

I was about to post the same thing. It's a form of structured interaction that's not at work. In a meeting at work you know what your role is, so when everybody looks to you, you know what to do. Board games are the same way - there's no pressure towards non-purposeful talk, but non-purposeful talk is welcomed. You could be quiet the entire time, and everybody would enjoy your company and invite you back.

OP: If you were in Chicago, I'd invite you by. There are a few particularly difficult games that I own that I need a few particularly lonely people to spend the time with me to figure out. Meetup is a great place to start.

As someone who was, and because of moving places frequently, becomes in your situation. Here is my advice and what have worked for me.

Your situation is special. Most people at this age have friends. Most people are not looking for new friends or are not willing to invest in a new relationship.

You need to know that because it'll save you lots of time, effort, money and pain.

You need to find people who are in your situation. They do exist and they are everywhere. Starting a relationship with them works most of the time, because they are looking to hang out with someone. They are willing to invest regardless of the language barriers or the cultural differences.

How to find them? You need to become more visible, and have an instinct at knowing who these people are. Never invest, or try to invest into someone who has lots of friends.

They are in the coffee, the street, the gym club, library, shopping mall, the nearest park, events, internet...

Try and get interested in something outside of the tech bubble, preferably something which takes you outside.

Brush up on conversational English. Don't sweat the fact you don't have a car. If people don't want to hang out with you because you don't have a nice car, find different people.

The advice here is good - learn to be happy and comfortable on your own. That doesn't mean wallow in your loneliness, but don't think that someone will come along and magically make you happy. It doesn't work that way. If you are comfortable on your own, you'll be the kind of person that other people are interested in. It's only difficult to meet people/women if your life isn't worth being a part of. Make your life interesting enough for yourself that other people will want to take part.

Good luck. If you want to talk more, I'm at fareeddudhia at gmail.com

As someone who used to be a much more introverted person and have sense became more extroverted in the past few years. The way I did it? Pick-up artistry. aka Learning the art of dating and relationships. This not only helped me with dating and love life, but more than that I learned how to be the best version of me. Now usually when I am with friends that are extroverted I am usually the more extroverted one! the most helpful was the base of my growth and learning which was by a man in the pick-up world known as David DeAngelo. His videos called The Mastery Series was probably the most eye opening and influential group of videos I have ever seen in my life. It helped me to look at my own "holes in my emotional armor" and be able to fix them. I highly recommend these. I also found that it makes being able to sell much easier and better too. =P

Hey, I feel you. I'm not Asian, but I'm introvert. I'm a tad younger, at 20 years old. I'm also unemployed (yay!).

Anyway, I've never have tons of friends, but after finishing high school, I've cut almost every relations that I've had with others (on one side, I've never had a friendship outside school, on the other side, it's my fault since I'm not good at maintaining relations).

So you could say that I'm currently in a similar situation to you. I don't have much to say but the usual suggestions that everyone will give you, since really isn't much to say.

If you have any hobby, it might be worth searching for local shops or local meetups for it. If you like card games and/or board games, you'll always find some shop in a city. If you like sports, join a local club, it's usually a decent way to make friends. Conventions seems to be rather frequent in america, so you can try and go to those.

Getting friends in a skill that you have to develop over time. Many, many people just take it for granted, since most are born with it, but for some it takes years to master.

When you meed people, try to not be shy. Talk, look at them and not elsewhere/the floor, don't cross your arm. In short, watch your body language.

If you have nothing to say, ask them about themself. Most people just love to talk about themself. Don't be shy to ask, at worst they'll just shrug it off and switch the arguments to something else.

Try to remember their names, it's a nice thing that most people will appreciate. Also, after you've made a bit of conversation and you like them, try to maintain that relations. Ask them a contact, and contact them from time to time (just don't be overwhelming, otherwise you'll look like a creep). If they're interested, you get someone to talk, otherwise it's not hard for them to not reply.

Someone is suggesting you to get a dog, and I can say that it's a wonderful way to have random small talks (especially if you have some kind of rare dog). But remember that getting a dog is not something you can do lighthearted, it will take tons of efforts.

As for your English, just try to speak with other people, most will not mind your bad english as long as it's not painful to understand (and given how you write, I don't think it is). And you'll get better over time.

That's mostly what it comes to my mind. It might work or not, but it's the usual suggestions you'll read over the internet. I can say that I'm a better listener after following those, but my introversion is still blocking me from joining a club (but I've started running, maybe I'll get to know someone with it?).

If you want to talk, my email is in my profile page. I can't do much (especially since there is an ocean between us), but I find that just writing something helps a lot to get your ideas clear.

Also, regarding English, there's some chance you could find people learning your native language who'd love to have a conversation with a native-speaker; in my city we have such weekly meetings organized in some café. Similarly, we do also have some websites where people are offering "help in exchange for help", you might again find someone wanting to practice your language in exchange for e.g. teaching/talking with you in English; or as you you're firstly into relations at all, you could just find someone you could help in something, and you can also "hide" it behind a request that he/she helps you in something else (again, could be just learning English).

Sorry if that's not the right place, but I have a similar problem.

I am a 1st year CS student and I can't find a coding buddy. By that I mean someone to study new technologies with, to work on learning-focused projects together and exchange ideas. Most of my schoolmates are overwhelmed with classes and don't have time or desire for partnering up.

So, HN, if you are up for some node.js/javascript or C++ learning, it would be awesome to get in touch. I've even posted a thread[1] on reddit, but so far no luck.

[1] http://www.reddit.com/r/ProgrammingBuddies/comments/27zn0i/n...

Apologies for offtopic.

purringmeow, sent you an email. I am as well looking for a node.js buddy.

Wow, I got so many messages on reddit and email! Thanks a lot!

I'd just like to point out the improper use of the word introversion here. The author is using it as a synonym for being shy or being a loner. You can be outgoing /social and be an introvert. Being introverted simply means that your life is more focused inward and you find comfort from yourself.

Do you have a hobby? Something that you like to do for fun? Hobbies that you can share with other people are a great way to make and keep friends. You might even find a girl friend through a hobby.

Your hobby can be anything. For me, it's dancing. For other people, it might be video games. Take your pick. There are a lot of cool things to do out there in the world. Go out there and explore, meet people.

For example, Polaris is a YouTube network of people who generally like to play video games: https://www.youtube.com/user/Polaris. It's a bunch of friends (and business partners) who all share a love of video games and games in general. So even something like video games can be a vehicle for making friends (and meeting girls), if that's your thing.

Making friends in a new place can be difficult, especially if you have finished school and are living in a big city. It's not an uncommon thing to struggle with, a lot of people have it this way - introvert or not.

My tip would be to get involved in some activities you like, sports or otherwise. That way you'll meet new people, that you interact with in that setting. Of course, taking it from that setting to other settings can be the hard part, but after a while when you get to know people you'll see who you're getting a long the best with. A simple question like "So, what are you doing this weekend?" can go a long way.

Meeting friends is a bit like hooking up with girls and dating in general. Find the ones you get a long with well, don't come off too needy and then make a suggestion when the time is right.

I had the same problem. Its a bit late for you to do what I did but if anyone else reads this it might help them.

When picking college/university I went for one where nobody I already knew went. I also lived on campus. The idea was to force myself to interact with others and not live with my parents. I stayed on campus over the weekends and took part in all the dorm activities.

It totally worked. I went from being awkward to having confidence. So much so I managed to secure several scholarships the next year including an international exchange program.

The result of all this totally changed my life in a positive way. It doesn't take much to change but it will take time and a conscious effort on your part. The only thing I would keep in mind is people have to get something out of the relationship. This applies both ways. You have to give and take.

I do not even have roommates.

When I was in my 20s I moved to several foreign cities in which I knew not a soul. Every time I was able to jump start my social circle through my roommates, almost all of whom were not native to the city in which we lived. We had very different national, employment, and educational backgrounds, yet the shared experience of being in these new places and doing lots of basic living things together (cooking, cleanup, paying bills, etc.) as well as fun social things (going out, celebrating birthdays, and day trips) really helped us bond.

This ties into what @mmaunder says (1):

You make friends through shared experiences and the more intense and prolonged the experience, the deeper the friendship.

1. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7900487

My experience shares many similarities with yours.

What transformed my life was taking up juggling (contact juggling specifically) again. I'd learned a little at university but gave it up after I graduated. I got back into it years later, entirely by accident, and it's open up a whole new world to me. I've made friends in countries across the world and I regularly travel to juggling conventions in the UK where I'm based and further afield. I even perform a little these days.

I'm not necessarily advocating that you take up juggling, but whatever your interests, there's almost certainly a group of people out there who'll share them. Find them and you'll be surprised at how quickly you can bond with relative strangers over a common interest.

I was 32 when I got back into juggling. It's still early days for you!

While you're an introvert, you have a strong drive to socialize so you should nurture that part of your personality. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. If you develop a sense of humor about it, it will take some of the pressure off.

Also, everything you describe could be interpreted as self-centered or (less attractive) self-absorbed. One way to get out of that loop is to start doing things for other people. Volunteer at local food banks, runs/walks for good causes or tutor little kids in reading/math. All of these things will get you outside of yourself and introduce you to great people...potentially good friends or connections to good friends.

Last, it's probably been said here already...work on your language skills and find a teacher who can help you reduce your accent if that is also a problem.

Good luck!

Speaking from personal experience: Do things you are interested in, and find hobbies. Do things because you genuinely like to do them, and don't think about ways to find friends, friends will come naturally. As to your english speaking you WILL get used to it eventually, just make sure you practice when you're around people, and even when you're not, i found it helpful to express myself out loud more often even if i'm not around people, makes me look mental most of the time but it works, and you'd feel so much better about yourself when you're talking in public. Also, you're multilingual, most people aren't, you shouldn't feel bad if you're still picking up a new language, it's supposed to be hard, people understand that.

One usual advice is to take classes of something that interests you. Let me add something that I've realized about that.

A lot of people feel awkward at the notion to take classes about something they are not good at. "Dancing lessons? I suck at dancing!". "Joining the gym? But I'm out of shape!". I find this really strange, but it's something I've heard many times, specially from people that is usually very rational! I don't know about you, but you may feel this kind of anxiety.

The whole point of taking classes is starting to stop sucking at something. I love the feeling of immersing myself into something I don't know absolutely nothing. The point isn't to be the best. If you take this route, avoid being self-deprecating, relax and just enjoy the ride.

Hello,

I had same experience. But i do have nice friends, but this friends aren't like me in one thought. They hate IT related works. Due to this, i live alone, i went hospital alone , i even goes pub alone. I do have lonely life but i think i have chosen it. I am the person who responsible for this or you can say the circumstances made me.

Now, i am moving to silicon valley with a hope that i may have good time with my bodies to whom i work with.

The only thing i can do now i dont think about this too much.

If you really very concerned and want all your social life back i guess you should join some big MNCs. The life is really awesome there(i never experienced it but i have seen many people)

The choice is up to you. Think about this closely. What is the thing that keeps you away from the people, find it and abandon it.

This may get lost near the bottom, but instead of analysing what or why you are in your situation, here are a couple of concrete suggestions:

1. Go and volunteer with redbrick.org. You can conceivably fill two half days of your weekend doing something good, often with other people who are flying solo.

2. Try rock climbing. Take the intro to climbing class at a local gym (there is one in Sunnyvale and a few in San Francisco). It's extremely social, and you always have something to talk about (rock climbing)

3. Go to a meetup.com group of interest. Try something that you are into, and something you aren't. But it will get you out of the house.

If these kinds of social activities fill you with forboding, that's fine, but people are very open and welcoming and this may give you a building block.

Good luck.

You should seriously consider going to the gym. It helped me build my confidence and the way I carry myself around strangers. Doesn't quite give you better communication skills but it's all in the confidence, really, and confidence in yourself you'll get.

I consider myself an introvert, and I believe it has less to do with your ability to make friends than it does the level importance you place on socializing and making friends. I've had periods of my life where I've felt it was important enough to be social and reach out to people that I didn't mind as much putting myself in uncomfortable situations. But it is rewarding an you gain confidence. I knew it was something I would have to do to enjoy certain aspects of college, enter into a career and start a family.

Just be careful not to try to be somebody that you are not. Be true to who you are. It is easier to make friends naturally by joining a community with the same interests as you. They are out there!

First, thanks for sharing. It helps me feel a little relaxed in knowing that it is not just a problem for me. And hope it works the other way around too. =)

I think there are a few factors. Being introvert is just one. Being an immigrant is an important factor too (I assume since you mentioned you are not native English speaker). It is not easy being an immigrant (in a new environment and new society, sometimes all by yourself), and combining being introvert it is definitely harder.

I suggest the best way is to start small. Start with things you can do. For example, maybe get a car? If you are an engineer I suppose financial wise this is not a big problem? In the US being able to drive around and move around on your own is very important, since public transportation is very limited. This will give you a sense of being in charge, being more able to initiate actions, instead of waiting for people to pick you up because you don't have a car.

AS far as friends go, it would be easier to start with people with similar backgrounds instead of local people, especially for an introvert. (But if you have opportunity to talk to local people, by all means do it as well.) Do you know other people in your company that is around your age and is also immigrant / Asian? Another way to reach out is to find people with similar interests. A sports club (soccer, tennis, whatever) if that is your thing, or a reading group?

Another thing for me, (not sure if it is for you) is that I have to tell myself to "open up" a little bit, not afraid of making mistakes or being awkward. This is kind of chicken-and-egg. You need confidence to feel free to try and not care about mistakes. You also need to not make many mistakes to have confidence. But as a non-native, sure there are a lot of mistakes to make, English or other wise. I guess I can only start "faking" it first (wink). Or maybe a change in attitude: instead of feeling dead-fish when making a mistake, try to think of it as something funny. (Language mistakes actually can make a good funny story when talking to friends.) When one can laugh at himself, other people feel at ease too.

Hope you will get better through time.

You probably won't read this, but I'll give my input as well. It might seem hard, but force yourself to interject in conversations. Force yourself to try. You might not understand it, the others involved may not understand you, but its through that kind of embarrassing failure that you begin to succeed in social ventures.

But the easiest thing to do, to grow out your sense of social comfort, is to talk to someone who is not engaging anyone else in conversation. Spark a conversation with them. This too will still be awkward until you do it a sufficient amount of times.

you have to learn to not fall victim to your embarrassment. Embrace embarrassment. It often means you're learning.

Yup - I was always afraid to talk unless I said the right thing, but you gotta just comment on something in the conversations every few minutes. Saying something stupid is often better than saying nothing in my opinion.

The language 'problem' is covered by quite some meetups, I found one [1] pretty quickly that looks like fun in SF, but there will be more.

Another thing that helps me connect to people quickly is the local couchsurf community. Just show up at one of their meetups, in general it's all people from around the world that are easy-going and up for fun. Plus they're interested in different cultures so you can learn them a thing or two as well :-)

Regarding girls and cars, that's just crazy talk. Just say that you're an environmentalist if anyone ever asks.

[1] http://www.meetup.com/languageloverssf/

I became a good friend with my current coworker. We went to Islanders game. We watched games in the bar. Our friendship was developing steadily. Then I went to his apartment and discovered he lives in the same building (that has 30 floors) on the same floor, in front of the guy we knew for years through my wife work. We dug thorough the old pictures and found my "new" friend on the pictures of our older friend kid's baptism. World is small. Tons of people to meet. Everything starts form the talk. If you get common interests you will go from there.You can't become friends with someone you don't spend time with.

I think this says something about the places where we live.

Isolation is a self-perpetuated emotion and reality, and that's what makes it so dangerous. Loneliness is similar to sitting in a large room full of cubicles too high to see over. you feel entirely alone, and yet right next door there is another person feeling the exact same way. but you're right there. In real life, this cubicle wall is fear of rejection or failure, or even thoughts that you're not worthy of another's time and affection. But if you reach out, take a chance, you just might raze those walls. Suddenly, you're seated at a the table, and I'm sure your english won't fail you then.

I'd highly recommend doing two things in parallel.

1. Read How to win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

2. Try to talk to someone new every day.

On item 1 - I promise that it's not as lame as the title makes it sound. If you internalize the core advice behind this book it will drastically improve your life and it will make you a better person.

On item 2 - don't go overboard with this. There's no need to go outside of your comfort zone. Instead just try stretching it a little. To get started don't walk up to people out of the blue and just start talking to them. Instead if you happen to be near someone, just make some observational remark to them and see how it plays out. Or alternatively if you're wondering about something, ask the person next to you. The goal shouldn't be to befriend every stranger you meet - but instead to have a very short chat and move on with your day. I recommend doing this while reading that book because it'll give you a chance to experience and observe some (most) of the things he talks about.

Finally, you mentioned wanting to meet some ladies. Assuming that you mean you're looking to "play the long game" and find someone to settled down with, I'd strongly advise actually playing the long game. Don't make meeting women the focus of your social life. Instead focus on making substantiative friendships first and the relationship thing will sort itself out without much effort. That said, don't be too selective as far as gender goes. Don't avoid hanging out with guys because you think you won't meet girls, and definitely don't be that guy who only befriends girls just because you want to date them. If you do befriend a girl who you'd rather be dating, be honest with yourself and her as to what your intentions are. Remember that friendships aren't leverage and you'll do fine.

Edit:

One last thing... I'm not sure that this will help any, but language is really tricky. I'm an American living in New Zealand. I'm sure my language issues pale in comparison, but I am constantly second-guessing myself. It's not that I'm worried that people won't understand me, it's that I'd rather communicate in a way that's natural to the people who are listening to me -- I'm sure you can relate. What I'd say is that while there are a whole host of issues due to you being a non-native English speaker, there are a lot more issues that come from you being in a different country. Personally I'd advise focusing on the latter type of differences (they're more fun to me, anyway), and the language differences will follow. In turn, discussing those kinds of things with people is a great way to make friends.

100% agree on How to Win Friends and Influence People. Classic book. The title makes the book sound dubious, but it really isn't.

Another vote for How to Win Friends and Influence People. It's a very positive book (without being annoyingly positive) and has lots of great advice in the form of anecdotes or backstories of famous people. Greatly recommended, see also [1] if you need more convincing.

[1]: http://stackoverflow.com/a/38227/181497

I'll be the disagreeing voice. I read the book, and what I got from it was a manipulating vibe, not as strong as the one I get from the PUA community, but close.

I took this random quote right now:

> So, because I had apologized and sympathized with her point of view, she began apologizing and sympathizing with my point of view, I had the satisfaction of controlling my temper, the satisfaction of returning kindness for an insult. I got infinitely more real fun out of making her like me than I could ever have gotten out of telling her to go and take a jump in the Schuylkill River

That's not "I want to make a friend". That's "how do I get the most from others for my own purposes".

For me, "How to influence friends and influence people" would be a better title. I'll agree that it's great for business purposes, but for the "win friends" part, not so much.

We must read that quote in a very different tone.

To me he's highlighting a situation where he disagreed with someone in a way that made him angry, but instead of jumping on his anger and telling her to "take a hike" he chose to control his temper and employ empathy. He illustrates the benefit of this approach by saying that in the end both he and the person with whom he disagreed came away happy.

One of the core tenants of the book is that you shouldn't fake it. That is, when he tells you you should be interested in the benign and mundane things people have to say, he means that you should find something about what they're saying in which to take actual, genuine interest. He says time and time again that even people you perceive to be stupid are smarter than to be manipulated by false interest and empathy and that by employing such tactics you do a disservice to yourself and the people with whom you're interacting.

I agree that in some places the tone is a bit Machiavellian, but it's only to illustrate that even to one who would employ such tactics, being genuine is a far better approach than being fake.

Actually he specifically advises against being cynical & selfish. A passage:

[after complimenting a postal worker on his hair thus making the postal worker happy]:

"I told this story once in public and a man asked me afterwards: 'What did you want to get out of him?'

What was I trying to get out of him!!! What was I trying to get out of him!!!

If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can't radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return - if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples, we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve. Oh yes, I did want something out of that chap. I wanted something priceless. And I got it. I got the feeling that I had done something for him without his being able to do anything whatever in return for me. That is a feeling that flows and sings in your memory lung after the incident is past."

He recommends truly being nice, not just pretending to be nice. It's not really a "trick", he suggests you substantively change your behavior.

> One last thing... I'm not sure that this will help any, but language is really tricky. I'm an American living in New Zealand. I'm sure my language issues pale in comparison, but I am constantly second-guessing myself. It's not that I'm worried that people won't understand me, it's that I'd rather communicate in a way that's natural to the people who are listening to me -- I'm sure you can relate. What I'd say is that while there are a whole host of issues due to you being a non-native English speaker, there are a lot more issues that come from you being in a different country. Personally I'd advise focusing on the latter type of differences (they're more fun to me, anyway), and the language differences will follow. In turn, discussing those kinds of things with people is a great way to make friends.

Learning how people use language is just as much of a hurdle as learning the grammar, words, etc.

I can't think of any off the top of my head but there are ways of saying things in New Zealand that are totally normal, but exceptionally rude in the US (and vice versa). Have you run into this?

> Have you run into this?

Yes. I have two examples. One glaring, and one subtle.

First the glaring one: the word "cunt." In the US it's quite offensive to call someone a cunt, and even using the word in conversation is considered quite "low." Here it's also an offensive thing to call somebody, but it's not quite as ghastly as we'd make it out to be back home. You certainly wouldn't use the word in a professional setting, but were you in a pub you might not be too surprised to overhear someone using it. Also there are degrees to this word here. In the states someone either is a cunt or they are not. Here you might be "a bit of a cunt." For whatever reason I find that difference amusing.

Second, the subtle one - the word "average." In the states it has no connotation. We typically use it in a very mathematical sense. If we call something "average" we mean it's close to the mean/median of our experience of that thing. Here it has a very negative connotation. It seems to mean "the absolute minimum necessary to be passable."

> Second, the subtle one - the word "average." In the states it has no connotation. We typically use it in a very mathematical sense. If we call something "average" we mean it's close to the mean/median of our experience of that thing. Here it has a very negative connotation. It seems to mean "the absolute minimum necessary to be passable."

Oh yeah, and saying something is "all right" is high praise.

something "average" being mediocre is also a British English thing.

I refer you to the viral image that was going around on facebook etc entitled "what British people say, versus what they mean":

http://www.buzzfeed.com/lukelewis/what-british-people-say-ve...

In the immortal words of Sir Humphrey: "Unfortunately, among the many extraordinary qualities politicians undoubtedly possess, reasonableness isn’t necessarily the first that springs to mind. Not when one contemplates the average Minister; and our Minister is very average."

beams - There is even a humphreyism embedded in the viral picture actually; "That's very brave, minister..."

Instead of How to win Friends and Influence People, I would recommend Robert Cialdini's Influence: Science and Practice. Instead of just having advice and heuristics most nerds really interested in the problem can often figure out themselves, it describes a lot of experiments and builds a general model for why certain actions work. I think a lot of tricks can be discovered on one's own (sometimes through chance), after all sales people have had a bag of tricks they know to improve sales by x% long before enough experiments were performed to suggest an underlying theory. Having a theory though helps one discover new tricks and predict their effects. You'll also learn some defensive techniques.

Instead of reading anything, I would recommend doing. There are enough people in most places to stand making a few mistakes in trying to make friends.

As a general rule of thumb, make decisions that go towards extending conversation, rather than shutting it down. Whatever is going on, do the thing that leads to the most action, even if it's not in your control, or anyone's control. Embrace chaos.

Speaking as an extrovert who is very comfortable talking to just about anyone about anything, I recommend reading classic books on good conversation as well (starting with How to Win Friends and Influence People). Even naturally talented communicators can benefit from studying time-proven analysis of why and how our communication techniques work.

For people with Aspberger's or other non-neurotypical issues (and I suspect a lot of "introverts" in our industry are actually just self-conscious Aspies), treating human behavior and motivation as a game-theory kind of exercise can be more productive than a million baffling attempts at conversation. Turning the black box into a white box with known rules helps a great deal when it comes to grasping the inputs and outputs.

Look at it this way... would you tell someone trying to learn to program to skip the books and just practice? Computers are incredibly complex, and there are decades of theory and understanding captured in classic books that can put you ahead of the game. There's a bright line between the learn-by-doing hackers and the engineers who take the time and effort to study the masters of the craft.

Humans are far more complex, subtle, and difficult than computers, and the masterpiece works of human behavior and communication are often centuries old. Study and be better!

This is a very good advise. Thank you. I agree that lots of practice without theory does not get you very far. I know this because I made exactly the same mistake. I used to want to be a musician. I have copied countless of pieces and done many improvised jam session. And yet, I still had no idea how complex music actually works. In retrospect, although I studied basic music theory, it was not enough to crack the secrets of music.

Now I am a senior CS student and doing pretty well. I respect science in general.

BTW I am an Asian introvert. I really feel the author. I am going to go read the rest of the comments.

I don't think "people with Asperger's" can account for the number of times this subject comes up [1]. The OP didn't mention anything about being diagnosed as having Asperger's, and barring real diagnosis, I'm erring on the side of it just being garden variety shyness like I used to have.

There is a significant difference between the two concepts. Reading a book about programming and practicing programming are two intellectual pastimes. They feed directly into each other and there isn't (usually) an extreme anxiety-inducing aversion to starting practice.

But reading books on relationships, it can be very easy to start to excuse yourself not going out and interacting with people, rationalizing that you still need to learn more, you need to read more. It enables remaining an introvert and making no actual forward progress.

The #1 most important skill is getting past fear. I don't think that can be learned from a book. It takes personal resolve.

[1] or the number of times people talk about Asperger's. It's just not that high of an occurrence of a condition. Not everyone who has social integration issues are on the autism spectrum. Most of the time they're just plain, old, inexperienced.

I don't think it's the case for the OP. I do, however, think it's quite common in the IT industry - moreso than the general population. For many Aspies, computers have the benefit of predictability - if the computer isn't doing what you want it to do, you know who's at fault. They might find human interactions baffling, but computers make sense. Additionally, Aspies often have above average to very high intelligence, and IT is kind of limited to smart people. I don't have stats offhand, but I would expect the Aspie percentage in IT to be much higher than the general population, enough to impact behavior within our industry.

I'm sensitive to this issue both from a lot of friends and co-workers with Aspie social problems, and from raising an Aspie child who has a very difficult time communicating.

I would expect that self-diagnosis of Asperger's is the only thing that is appreciably higher in IT.

> I'm an American living in New Zealand. I'm sure my language issues pale in comparison, but I am constantly second-guessing myself. It's not that I'm worried that people won't understand me, it's that I'd rather communicate in a way that's natural to the people who are listening to me -- I'm sure you can relate.

Interesting. I have faced these exact same issues while interacting socially in the United States. I am a native speaker but have an accent that makes people ask me to repeat myself on occasion in bars. This makes me second-guess myself and breaks the patter.

Being introvert doesn't mean you can't talk to people but that you get back your energy when alone. So your issue is being afraid because you're self-centered or, in other words, too conscious of yourself instead of others (ie most people usually don't care about the way you talk, etc). I do the same and have a hard time keeping my friendships.

Stop looking at yourself and go out. Try voluntary work and take your time taking care of others. Or just buy a dog.. just by taking care of the dog, you'll meet people (park, etc). One of the best way I found to start talking is asking advice. Everyone likes to give advice.

If you go to meetup.com there are groups that you could join with other people in your situation. There are groups there for people that would like to practice speaking English for example. This would allow you to talk to other people without worrying that your English skills may not be perfect.

Another way to meet people is at art gallery openings. They usually serve wine and cheese and people are free to come in and walk around. I recommend small local galleries that show local artists. There is nothing much to do other than look at art and talk to other people that are there and artists types are usually open-minded and friendly.

Hi there, I wrote this a while back. It may help. http://mrcwinn.svbtle.com/being-shy

The short version would be: know your strengths as well as your weaknesses (seems like you do). Give yourself time and find things that work for you. I've never been a talk-to-random-strangers-at-the-bar type of person. It's just not who I am. One idea is to find people with similar interests AND geography online, and then force those online relationships into the offline world.

Plenty of people like you, whether or not you realize it. Don't sweat it.

You will have to do things that scare you and goes against your destructive instincts. This is life, this is growing. It's an excuse that it commes easier for some, a truer and more productive observation is that it's mainly practice and you've neglected practicing. Don't victimize yourself or find excuses (what girl would date someone without a car..). Some others suggested arenas for you to get started so wont repeat that. Some good reads: The Diceman (habit breaking), you can also google rejection therapy (removing fear of "losing"). Good luck, stay brave.

Hobbies are a great way to meet other people. A friend of mine that was new to town joined a running club and met new people that way. Another option is attending meetups. As an engineer in the Bay Area, I am sure you would find like minded people. As far as your English, yes, I can see how that can be a hindrance. The best way to improve your skills is by my making a commitment to immersing yourself in the language and take classes to reduce your accent. Find people (meetups again) that would be willing to help you with your English as long as you help them with Chinese.

This is my first time on HN. Don't know what the chances are, but what a coincidence. I'm building a startup that solves this exact problem. I have been struggling with social anxiety & introversion for years, so I'm sick of it.

As the OP has mentioned, "it saddens me that I find myself idling on weekends, doing everything by myself. Its really painful on times when I have a lack of self-confidence." Don't worry OP, you're not alone :)

Not going to post links or names of the startup because this is my first time posting. If anybody is interested, feel free to ask me.

I had to use Google Docs because my text exceeded 2000 characters. I apologize.

Apologising for everything you do doesn't look good. Stop it. Don't apologise unless you've genuinely fucked up.

Exactly. If people don't like Google Docs they won't open it. No need to apologise.

That's actually a very cultural thing. But yes, I agree, in the US, apologising too much comes off as weak and so it should not be done often.

This is why while it's acceptable and necessary in some cultures to apologize in advance, or to apologize for small things, in the US, it's better to only apologize when it's really for something big.

I'd go as far as to say it applies to most english speaking countries

So I wanted to reply here so you'd see this. Language seems to be one of your main concerns, but your writing is fine. Have you considered taking language/diction classes? You don't need to change your accent, but part of the problem with spoken communication may be that you aren't hearing the difference between two words that people are saying or you are, but when you speak the words come out incorrectly (per American pronunciations at least). I had a professor in college, for instance, that always pronounced "robot" as "rabbit". Once we knew this it was easy for us to understand (by context, rabbits had no place in the discussions), but we could never convince him that he was doing this. A diction coach or language teacher may help you with this aspect of your conversation skills. Similarly, risk embarassment and find a colleague that you get along with decently, and ask them to critique your speech. You may not like what they say, but if you can get past the emotional boundaries and accept the criticism as constructive it may help you to improve.

Also, to work on your vocabulary, you may consider reading novels that's where the bulk of my vocabulary comes from. Also, consider enrolling in a community college writing course (not basic composition, but something like creative writing). This'll get you out of your home, around other people, and deliberately practicing your language skills (at least in the written context, which paired with practice ought to improve your spoken language skills).

EDIT: And something to remember. You may find the class embarrassing, because you don't feel up to the task or on par with your classmates English skills. Don't fret it. It's an exercise for that as well, getting over the mental barriers around embarrassment. Accept that you'll make mistakes, make them in public, and then move on with your life. One of the best things about doing this in a class? Other people will make mistakes too. And when it's over, you don't have to see them again if you don't want to. But hopefully after a term together you'll have a couple of friends from the group.

When I read this, I was really hit because I was the same way my entire high school life. So this topic makes me very emotional and I'm saddened by your story. No one should experience the loneliness you're experiencing...I'm sorry. But I think you're definitely not alone in this area--many computer science students feel the same way. Many people have mentioned making yourself respected, doing activities, etc...these things help but a relationship is two-way. To make a friendship work, you really just have to be other-centered: thinking about other before yourself, actively remembering someone's name, actively listening to people. One good book to check out on this very topic is "How to Win Friends and Influence Others" by Dale Carnegie. And if you want you can email me :)

A great place to meet people who would legitimately want to meet new people and care about them is a church. Even if you are not Christian you are always welcome to come. I currently go to a korean church in my town and it has been a great experience where I felt welcome and they had lunch there afterwards which made it easy to talk and get to know people too!

Here is a church in Milipitas which may be close to you. I will pray for you too and ask that God brings people into your life!

http://newvisionchurch.org/cms/

So my advice will be be proud of yourself , the basic is not having charisma but make people thinking you have it.

Learn things , works with people and interact with them.

Find things that you like and work for free for peoples or associations.

Also learn things , live fully, make experiences (as urbex you can do it by solo). Living extraordinary things will help you to get in touch with people, or people who share the same experience.

Find hobby and share also.

It will not be easy , but you will learn from your mistakes.

I wish you good like and if you come to paris drop me an email bussiere AT gmail.com :)

I can make you visit some extra ordinary places or event :)

good luck dam

Some people socialize just for the sake of it, but some dont. (me neither)

You need a mission. Go find something fun to do in which you work with other people. Not entirely conincidentally, work is such a place, except that you likely did not choose your colleagues.

I enlisted as volunteer to restore a monumental big old steam engine. Together with some old and young folks, we have fun working towards a common goal. This common goal is what makes me socialize, with rather random different people that share an interest i have.

We are not the same, so we can help eachother.

I'd say you being an introvert is not the case. It seems you have social axiety, and it's possibe to cure it by yourself. There are some guides in internet how to do it, but to put it simple(and this worked for me like a charm) - you have to get out of your comfort zone. push yourself to do things you would never normally do in public. it's not easy to do this, but after about a month you can just feel this CLICK. its really life changing. you just have to keep doing it, no matter how awkward it gets.

and dont think about things, like having no car or not speaking perfectly english. there are people who dont judge others by this stuff. and if they do, you dont wanna meet them :D

I wanted to add, among all the advice here, that you should consider improving your body. Work on getting as fit as you can reasonably become to attain your ideal self. That's something you can work on alone, it'll give you a great conversational piece when talking to someone (e.g. about diet and self hacking), it'll improve your energy and mental clarity so that you can carry an interesting conversation, you'll have more self confidence, and people will be in general more attracted to you.

                 ___                  ____                  ___
            ____(   \              .-'    `-.              /   )____
           (____     \_____       /  (O  O)  \       _____/     ____)
          (____            `-----(      )     )-----'            ____)
           (____     __________   \  -____-  /   __________     ____)
             (______/          \   `-.____.-'   /          \_____)
                                \    **HUG**   /

I have felt the same in last 2-3 years working in UK. I am a female software engineer working in London and although I am happily married, I have no friends or social circle. It is difficult to hold a conversation (past the first few niceties) with someone who does not belong to your culture/share your background. To add to my woes, I am the only female in my department and am not comfortable to sit with all male colleagues during lunchtime and strike conversation. And I don't drink!

No offence but you sound pretty boring.

Hello!

First, it's normal that people don't want to be with someone that is lonely and desperate. Being lonely and desperate is very unattractive, thus leading to more loneliness. It's a vicious cycle. If you want to break out of it, here is my advice: Work on yourself. Develop your skills, take up new hobbies, new challenges in life, travel, learn to take care of yourself,.. etc. Become someone you respect. Then you won't have to do anything special, people will feel attracted to you.

I think you've already started on the right track. You've stated that you regularly perform activities that you enjoy. Most people find this step hard.

Now that you know what you enjoy: a) Join meetups that do those things. b) Organize meetups for things which already don't have them. c) Once you know which meetups to attend. Ask your co-workers, drop mails to mailing lists, meetup.com etc. Become an evangelist for these meetups.

Disclaimer: I am by no stretch of the imagination an expert on being social.

Online language exchanges can be a great way to meet people and work on a language you are not comfortable with. I use mylanguageexchange and I've met a number of Chinese grad students studying in the U.S. who are very shy because of their accent. But I work with them to improve their English accent and grammar and it also helps them build self confidence too! I think it's a really great answer to this kind of issue. But you're welcome to check it out for yourself!

Find some hobby that involves getting together with people. I'm not even saying it has to force friendships, just something that starts in a group. Anything from martial arts to book club will do. Tech meetups may be interesting - if you give a talk, there's always going to be someone to chat with afterwards.

Basically don't force it. If you're in places where you're surrounded by people, you're going to meet some of them better, whether you want it or not :)

It is easier if you try to make friends who have common passions. You could start a community project for your particular branch of engineering and look for people to join, e.g. on Reddit. Or you could join an existing project. Working on something together is a good way to bond to people.

If you don't have an immediately good idea that other people would be interested in, you might want to look at charity. Lot's of nice people and they usually need a wide range of skills.

very ironic, I am located in China. The Great Firewall obstructs all traffic to google properties. Hence, this message is basically inaccessible (even my VPN does not help).

Full Text:

(I had to use Google Docs because my text exceeded 2000 characters. I apologize.)

I know the question sounds really awkward, but it's just exactly what I think.

I am a software engineer intern at a mid-sized company in redwood city, and my internship ends on August.

I love my work, and I consider myself a reasonably intelligent, tidy, and nice guy.

However, it saddens me when I find myself idling alone on weekends, doing everything by myself.

Since I started my internship on February, on weekends, I have always had meals, watched movies, gone shopping, taken a walk, and done every activity by myself. I do not even have roommates.

This is fine most of the time, but it's really painful on times when I have a lack of self-confidence. I think it may even become dangerous later.

Whenever I see groups of people in the street hanging out with each other, a sense of envy grows in my mind. I wonder where they met each other, and how come they became so intimate to each other.

As a man at age 26, I want to meet some nice ladies too.

My major problems, as I think, are:

1. After 3.5 years of college life in which I had absolutely no social life, my introversion seriously exacerbated. I have an especially hard time getting close to strangers.

2. I thought my English was decent, but I found out that is only true when compared to other asian students' in colleges FOB, and these days I am more and more realizing that my English is not good enough to become close friends with English speaking people. Every day I meet people in my work, and I manage to express what I want to say, but often it's in a very awkward way, and even worse, when I am among many people talking, I can never take part in their conversation. (believe me, I literally suck without enough time and a dictionary)

3. I do not have a car, and for many people in the bay area it's okay, but for me it's a great hindrance to being social. Think about it, what girl would consider seeing an awkward guy even without a car!

What can I do? I imagined myself striking up a conversation with people sitting near at a cafe, standing at a queue, etc., but since I know I will not be able to talk like a normal American guy (not even close, when it comes to a small chat), I recoil.

I started fearing coming of weekends. To me it's just two and a half utterly lonely days that could have been spent in a more constructive way but repeatedly ends up being wasted and growing the self-hatred towards me.

Interesting VPN that is then. How about Tor?

A small suggestion that worked really well for me: if you're interested in role playing games find some local groups (craigslist, your local comic book/game store, or there's other resources online) and join up. Pen and paper role playing can be a great way to make friends and develop better social skills. In my experience, these groups are almost always inclusive and friendly but it's the first step that's the most difficult.

it sounds like, and as others have suggested, you need to practice your conversational english.

have you thought about joining a local hackspace to meet up and socialise (google hackspace redwood city)? That or volunteer on local community projects. Both provide great opportunities for talking and practicing to battle your shyness.

From somebody who is themselves incredibly shy and adverse to social situations, sometimes the best way to get past that is expose yourself to stuff which puts you out of your comfort zone.

In regards to meeting women, I wouldn't worry too much about that. It will happen by putting yourself in social situations as a result of spending time with others and meeting new people. and remember, for every awkward guy out there without a car there's an awkward girl out there who wont mind.

So, to summarise. Get some hobbies that allow you to be sociable, volunteer with charities, join hackerspaces, go to talks and sociable events. Tell people whom you meet that you want to practice your English, they'll be more accommodating then you'd first imagine. Don't sweat it on meeting someone either, that will happen.

One last thing, from your post, it seems you sometimes feel depressed? If so, then go and speak to someone about it. Feeling isolated and alone can make us feel pretty ill. We shouldn't have to be like that.

Lots of people go through this, whether the barrier is language, extreme shyness or something else, but it's important to know it's possible for things to be different. Just don't get too anxious, and look after yourself and stay conscious of your wellbeing.

As a white American guy who has had similar experiences, I suspect your challenges are mostly independent of your being Asian. Your difficulties with English may play a part, although not knowing you it's hard to say how much this would be a factor.

In my experience, American society, and especially California, doesn't know what to do with introverts without much of a social network. It leaves them to the wayside to fend for themselves.

Find some meetup groups/hobby groups in your area, and go a little outside your comfort zone (don't go for a tech group!) but something you are actually interested in (art perhaps?)

Secondly, if finances allow, moving into a house share is a good idea. The more people the better I think!

Don't despair, loneliness when everyone around you appears fulfilled is a pretty horrible feeling, but the reality is actually far different to how you perceive it.

I would give the opposite advice: go for a tech group!

Since the goal is meeting people, and the challenge making friends, it will be much easier if you do it IN your comfort zone.

Seriously, I think most of the people on HN is likely to be more "actually interested" in tech, rather than art...

But overall I agree, go for a meetup where the goal is not just "meeting people", but has a definite goal or activity that you would enjoy already doing alone.

Come hang out with me and mine!

Can't guarantee you'll like us, or we'll like you, but it's always at least interesting to meet someone new. scubamanspiff42 at gmail

I went through the same journey from introversion a couple years ago. It's tough, but as a lot of smart people here have said, the cure is to push yourself to the edge of your comfort zone and try new things with new people. It'll take a while, but you'll make it.

here's a couple of things i would do, if i were in your shoes:

- join a local group of some sort: my best recommendation would be a theater class, my preference, improvisational theater; given, this could be scary for an introvert (but actually is loads of fun and you really get to bond with people in a unique way); helps you with meeting people, English, self-confidence

- join a local facebook group of some sort: e..g expats in redwood city, or become a volunteer if you have your weekends to spare

- if you are a programmer, start your own projects and learn new stuff; take that alone time and turn it into something constructive, maybe something you can even show later to people and have as a point of conversation; choose a fun subject that other people can use immediately; be patient and stick with it, this can take some time (there was an idea sunday thread on HN, maybe you should check that?)

- befriend people at work to begin with, join them for lunch, or ask if they want to join you for lunch; how to befriend people? Ask about their favourite music, movies, books, their lives, stories. Be interested. Remember. One day, ask if they want to grab a beer after work

As an adult it seems harder, but try to change your environment. You will adapt if you suddently live with roommates, and meet a lot of people on a everyday basis. The only hard part is not stopping after the initial failures; the best solution for this is to have no choice : for instance, apply for an internship in a big company for a year. Adaptation will come from effort and environment.

Good luck:)

I found a trick that really works for me. I go over to a stranger and say, "I promised myself I would meet one new stranger today. I'm David, Whats your name..."

It really works well.

http://www.davidmelamed.com/2014/05/08/flawless-ice-breaker-...

1. Why haven't you been social in school? Too much pressure to get good grades? Fear of being rejected?

2. Why do you live alone? I'm 26 years old guy living in a foreign country and I live with a flatmate. I'd hate living alone.

I had a friend in a similar situation as you (a young Japanese guy with basic english living in Poland). My friends make him to go out. It took a while to him to get comfortable.

1. School workloads were demanding 2. I'd prefer living alone, provided that I have people to spend time with when I feel like. Also, I was new to the area, so I did not want to have a roommate until I find a good one.

get over that and get room-mates. They might not necessarily become your best buddies, but at least your interactions with them should help you improve your conversational English.

I second having roommates. I'm terrible at meeting new friends but have pretty substantial social networks stemming from random roommates off of Craigslist. The best man at my wedding was a Craigslist roommate, who was very much a social connector. Much of my social network when I moved to another city was from his college friends, and another group here was another roommate from Craigslist's friends.

Look for good roommates. The more social the better. I also was similarly uncomfortable with roommates, commuted to college, lived alone, and one day in my early 20's I made a choice to deliberately do things that make me uncomfortable and it changed my life forever.

Step out of your comfort zone. Its the only thing that will change your situation.

hi OP, if you're reading: I'd advise that you take a class on the weekends which gives you a chance to practice speaking English. maybe a more advanced ESL (English as a second language) class, or a literature class if you're feeling brave. something at a community college or maybe a meetup (there are often meetups around languages and sometimes around literature too).

you seem to have two distinct issues going on, namely shyness and discomfort with English. there are a lot of different ways to deal with shyness, but I think every single one of them is going to be a lot easier to implement if you get better at English first.

it's also good for your career, since Bay Area tech companies typically communicate in English. and, you mentioned working really hard and having no social life in college, so maybe you have workaholic tendencies. those could be an obstacle to some forms of socializing, but taking a class in English actually uses your workaholic tendencies to make you better equipped to socialize.

I know how you feel. I would recommend taking advantage of meetup.com. You can connect with people using the knowledge and skills you have acquired as an engineer. The rest should grow from there. Most important is that you don't give up on trying. The burden of loneliness can drive you to give in rather than strive on. You have to win that battle.

Join a meetup.com group of movie lovers (or whatever you enjoy, but avoid too-geeky groups). Slowly get to know people attending the meetups. Just be nice. Don't be afraid to politely express your opinions. When you see someone that seems alone or new to the group, be the first to approach them. You can meet tons of interesting people this way.

Personally I think the "geekier" the better. To paint with broad strokes, geeks are passionate and indiscriminate. If you've got some subject matter you're quite passionate about, chances are you don't need to lean on your ample self-confidence to discuss it with other people who share the passion.

Why not just go to meetups? Hackathons Language learning meetups Board Games

Is there an app for "never eat alone" - meet people over lunch?

It's still not easy, I know... I tend to make at most one or two new friends per year. And these days, most people end up watching TV or surfing the net after work, so it requires real effort to motivate people to meet.

Very important skill is to learn to laugh. Honestly, without hypocrisy. It shouldn't be difficult, assuming you approach to someone that you are genuinely interested in. Just don't be scared for a start. If you learn that, people will feel special with you, or at least relaxed, and they will reciprocate in the most cases.

Get a side job that allows you to interact with customers and co-workers keeping in mind what types of people work at and patronize the place.

Work a few shifts/hours on the weekend/nights. Being social takes practice and time to learn how to interact with different types of people. The more you're exposed the better you'll do.

Play a co-ed sport. Through sports, you'll:

- improve your fitness and yourself confidence - meet new girls - have a socially structured environment. The sport you're playing is a topic you can talk about with your teammates.

There are few other reasons why you should play join a sport team in your situation but they are not coming to my mind at the moment.

Good luck

Don't worry about your lack of language proficiency. Some of my best friends have been foreigners with VERY poor English skill. Part of the fun of our friendship is interacting with a foreign culture, and finding ways to express ideas and concepts in new ways that might not necessarily be language contingent.

Join your university ultimate frisbee team.

Think of friends as part of a process of self-discovery. You probably don't know everything about yourself and trying to "open doors" on parts of your life that you haven't thought about much yet would eventually lead you towards meeting people who can be friends at least for a while.

I usually enjoy the stuff presented for free by real social dynamics. They tell you alot about how to approach people and how to have conversations with them.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCD4xqm6vJ3K4ntppsE1jL4g

You know what? I laugh at guys like you.

And the biggest reason I laugh? It's not me or somebody else doing all this. It's YOU. You, realising your problems and not doing a thing about it, but complaining anonymously on internet.

You cry about how lonely you are? Or talk about how you just don't have social life and nice ladies, and all that emo bullshit? You're a miserable weak coward, why would anybody want to be a friend with you?

Let it piss you off as much as you want, but you know it's completely true.

Many of us there are engineers and work hard most of the time doing things that we love. But if you do want to get asked out to do other fun things at weekends, then stop being that pathetic stereotypical nice guy. Create opportunities, take people out, add value to those around you and soon they'll start inviting you out just like you're inviting them out. But if you want to continue crying in the corner, then cool, cry. Just don't post it to tech related sites.

TLDR: You need to think about what you can contribute to others' lives, so that they'll be more likely to invite you out. Having a car and being a nice guy doesn't count.

Every day, do something with someone else. I'm a huge proponent of Meetup.com - I moved across the country to Texas, where I had almost no friends. My wife and I started just heading to meetups, making small talk, shaking hands, etc. The biggest thing is just that you need to keep it constant.

술 모임이나 그런게 있으면 나가보는건 어떨까 싶네요. 사회성이 떨어지는 사람도 술을 먹으면 부끄러움을 이길 수 있으니까요.

저도 부끄러움을 많이 타는 사람인데 그런 모임 같은데 나가면서 모르는 사람하고 이야기하는게 익숙해졌습니다.

If you can share a common experience with a small group of people, it can be very easy to make friends.

In this light, a language barrier can also be an asset. I'm sure there are a lot of people in your area that are not fluent in English.

Reach out to a local university and volunteer to show new students around town.

Do you have a sport you enjoy playing? Maybe there's a club/team you can join to get to know people outside work. That was always the first thing I did when I moved to a new location.

If you have a common reason to be somewhere, it reduces a lot of the awkwardness from meeting new people.

I was an introverted Asian in high school, how I learned to wane out of it is alcohol. I'm not saying I'm dependent on alcohol, but it teaches you to not care and just be more social, which you can try to slowly bleed into your personality when you're sober.

I know it doesn't really address the underlying issues but if the lack of a car is making you feel bad, why don't you buy a car? It might be stupid, but I felt loads better about myself after getting a car. I found carpooling to be a nice way to meet people too.

(Anonymous bc this is a very honest comment.)

I'm a massive introvert who spends most of his time coding, playing video games or Magic the Gathering, and my life has devolved 3 times into full-blown WoW addiction -- the fool's gold life people take on when they feel their real one sucks.

I have almost no friends, hate making plans and, generally, would rather be alone. "Hell is other people" is my motto.

And of course, this lack of relationships makes me very sad sometimes. The short term desire to be alone leads to long term sadness.

But here's where our stories diverge: I'm a tall, likeable (when I want to be), charismatic, good-looking, athletic white guy and can pick up women at will.

And yet, even though I can turn on the charm at will and get what I want (coincidentally, I'm a sales engineer), I'm still totally alone most of the time. This makes me feel like an outsider, an outcast, a loner, etc and the sadness can get uncomfortably dark.

So here's my point: As someone said earlier it's our desire to be alone that's the real problem, not what you look like or what your accent sounds like.

Introversion is a constant sabotage of happiness. If you don't maintain and work at friendships consistently over a long period of time, they will deteriorate. And doing that is nearly impossible for a "hell is other people" introvert.

The best solution, I've found, is to take the plunge and join a structured organization or group that you can't easily get out of. Being in college, specifically a fraternity, was the best time of my life. It forced me to be social and interact with other people, even when I didn't really want to. I think a healthy work environment with other people your age can help, too. It did for me.

One other note: I felt the same "Why is everyone else out having fun and I'm not?" feeling very profoundly in my mid-to-late 20s. It was a consuming, jealous, rage-inducing feeling. But now I'm 33 and I haven't felt that in years now. I don't even know why. Did I stop thinking that was a desirable thing? Or did I just give up?

TL;DR

1. Don't blame your appearance or awkwardness. The real problem is your short term desire to be alone. 2. Join a social or work structure that forces you to interact with others. 3. The jealousy of others' social activity should dissipate with age. Mine did.

p.s. Also, get off of Facebook. People are only posting pictures of their happy times, so all you get is an artificial stream of happy happy happy. This will inevitably make you feel worse. Facebook image crafters are probably just as unhappy as everyone else. They're working awfully hard to prove otherwise, aren't they?

You got any suggestions for the "structured organization" besides the fraternity? I'm out of college now and I'm looking for a group.

This is the $64,000 question and I actually believe there might be a business (or several) to be had in this space. As people increasingly forego marriage and pursue solo lives and careers, they need more alternatives for support and camaraderie. (And these people have disposable cash.)

Anyway, as it stands, I think the best option is to try to work at a place with other young, career-oriented (as opposed to family-oriented) people. I've tried young professionals associations and athletic teams, but they didn't work. The young professional stuff seemed too forced -- like singles dating -- and you don't get enough "talk time" with sports teams: you're too busy playing the game.

Truthfully, most of my friends in this city have come from playing Magic the Gathering. There were a few semi-normal, hygiene-conscious guys in the crowd and we get together on a semi-regular basis. We're not as close as my college buddies and I can't get them to go out doing the fun stuff I used to do, but it's good enough.

If you live in small town america, making friends might be difficult or impossible. I actually went to a therapist when I was really depressed and told him how much I hate this city. I told him I thought it was very cliquish (exclusive to newcomers like myself), that every girl worth having is married at 25 and that every guy friend I make gets stolen away by marriage.

I expected him to say "Suck it up. Go meet people." His response was actually "Ok so maybe you need to move to a place with more independent, career-minded folks like yourself." In other words, sometimes circumstances really are the problem, not you.

I want to reiterate my original point: I'm as white and normal as it gets. I can't blame any personality-related, aesthetic, racial or economic disadvantage, and yet I'm still a sometimes-depressed-and-unhappy loner.

The only thing left to blame is my introversion.

One last point: I, like many millennials, was raised by my parents and the media to believe I am the center of the universe. Accordingly, my empathy quotient has historically been crappy. Then I had some life events a few years ago that jarringly recalibrated my ego. As painful as these events were, I'm not as full of myself nor as big an asshole as I used to be and I'm finding it easier to relate to other people as well as make and keep friends.

Read articles and writings by David Wong (aka Jason Pargin). He's the patron saint of self-righteous millennial deprogramming.

Good points. As I've gotten older I've gotten lonelier and I've been searching for the sort of bonding and friendships I experienced as a college student. As superficial as the friendships were, the friendships were in general less superficial then all the friends I made outside of college. I'm not so sure why the whole experience suddenly ends when people step out of college. I'm positive it has nothing to do with a natural process of becoming more mature or older.

I've thought about it a lot. In the end I think your therapist got it right. It's all about circumstance. You have to live in a place that promotes daily interaction with people. Dorms and fraternities promote that sort of thing not just by being in the right location but the physical geometry of dorms and frat houses encourages people to meet and hangout. The rooms in dorms and frat houses are so small that people just end up using the larger shared lounges for dinner, studying, and chilling in general. It forces and promotes daily interaction with large groups that you'll never experience in any other setting.

I think the reason why the sports thing or the young professional stuff didn't work out was because it needs to be a daily thing. Connections will always feel awkward especially for introverts because it's just not happening often enough.

Anyway back to my point of the living space. Outside of colleges I've seen this type of living space in just two places. The first place is called Cooperatives. People in coops live in the same building, do shared chores and have communal dinner. Like frat houses these places tend to be pretty ghetto but it's never lonely. The other place is a retirement home. If you've never been to one, retirement homes actually have shared spaces and dining halls where you can literally observe older people having the same kind of social interaction and politics you experienced in college living spaces. The irony of it all is the same social experience young people get living in dorms near the beginning of their lives, they'll get to experience the same thing when they near the end.

So I guess the solution is to either live in a coop, wait until your old enough to be placed in a retirement home, or get married. Unless anyone has any other suggestions?

Brilliant point about the retirement homes. I'd never thought of them that way.

You are looking for a group, but yet you do not have contact information in your profile.

I wasn't looking for a specific group, just general ideas, but if you have specific suggestions... I'm based in California and I live either in the bay or LA depending.

Why do you need my contact info? I don't really care about keeping it private, I just never posted it.

edit: I just checked. My email has always been in my profile....

Your email is not publicly visible. You need to add your contact info into "about" section.

A lil background.

I worked my ass off, for a cs degree thinking once the money will rake in, I'll get a girlfriend, friends and all the life style I wanted.

Once I got a job, I found myself going right after work studying coursera class ML, to find a better paying job to support my parent. Eventually I ended up depress...

I started to workout again and eventually reconnect with my college friends. Unfortunately it was really hard but got some decent friends out of it.

I was lucky because I was working near my university so my old friends are still around. I was horrible at keeping in touch.

Anyway here's the deal, I didn't really acquire the skill to make friend with strangers during this time. I moved to a new city and realized I don't have the luxury of being nearby old friends like my old job living nearby my university. I had no existing connection I can call up and work the existing connection for new friends.

I did eventually learn how to make friends and it was through PUA, pick up artist. Yeah it's fucking weird.

But let me try to explain what happened. Once I got some friends going, a few nothing major, this is back at my university I got lonely and wanted a girlfriend. Most of my friends are usually busy except for one, I found out he was doing this pick up artist thing. The whole thing is weird there are some good and bad to it, I like to think I chosen the good thing out of this whole underground society.

But I eventually learned how to approach random strangers and make a comment or two. The seduction/pua community call this process opening. I spent two years on and off opening girls on the street of hollywood.

Eventually I moved to a new city and...

It was great, being able to approach women but the problem eventually I realized was I couldn't hold a conversation. I got rid of my "approach anxiety" and can go up to stranger and just open but I can't hold a conversation worth at damn.

The problem was I was doing this at night time and practicing night time, at least to me, didn't enable me to practice the other seduction techniques of conversation. I spent roughly 3 months so far this year during the day holding a conversation.

I got three new friends out of it and can hold decent conversation with strangers now (male and female).

How the hell do you make friends using PUA? By holding a conversation.

I talked to this girl at starbuck, got her number, and eventually she invited me to do activity with her. She have become a close friend and I've done tons of activities with her now and planning a few more. Within the seduction/pua community I've made friends.

Well anyway take it as you will.

edit:

I'm Asian short ESL btw. The PUA taught lots of things including destroying any insecurities I had.

edit2:

I also had to learn how to keep in touch too. It's fucking stupid but yeah.

Every friday I'll be on aim and message people with it's FRIIIIIIDAY and how's your weekend looking?

I know it sounds stupid but omg, I was retarded on keeping in touch.

Inception anyway I read a lil more in your doc and just wanted to share my "stack". Or how I approach people.

Generally it's a comment on what they have.

But I usually go up to a girl and:

Me: "You have really nice hair."

Girl: Thanks!

Me: How's your day going?

So eventually opening isn't really bad it's the middle part. I started out with interview question. How's your day? What are you up to?

Yeah I know very boring but doing this enough time you'll eventually figure out how to make it not boring.

The thing is you're trying to find subjects that they want to talk about or that you guys "connect".

One approach is cold read.

Which is you're not from around here? Or you're... Chinese. Guessing their ethnicity. It's fun. With this in mind you can go into subject of here they're from and what's good to eat there. Learning how to thread a conversation is important.

Learning how give an interesting answer is equally important btw. If they ask you a question most of the time they want you to ask them the same question.

An example would be how's life? If they ask you that and after you answer it you should ask them that too! Cause you have to contribute to the conversation.

Also if they ask you interview questions. You just learn how to answer in interesting way.

What do you do?

Have you watched office space? Where the guy go stuck working in a cubicle and got 7 bosses that he have to report and work under? Eventually he got sick of it?

"Yeah!"

Well, I'm the opposite, I actually work in a cubicle and rather enjoy it. Thankfully I dont' have 7 bosses.

edit:

You practice all these different aspect/tricks of conversation separately. Figure out where in your conversation skill is lacking and practice.

Keep on practicing until it become natural. It'll seem contrive at first but eventually it gets easier.

edit2:

If I ever in SF we should hang out and grab a beer. I'm always down to have new friends anyway.

Unfortunately for the forseeable future I'll be in LA.

  > I did eventually learn how to make friends and it 
  > was through PUA, pick up artist. Yeah it's 
  > fucking weird.

The PUA thing is interesting to me.

People criticize it because it can be manipulative. But the success of PUA tells me that people seem to be really interested in some kind of step-by-step "system" for dealing with people.

I think that's why the book "How To Win Friends and Influence People" is still popular after many years. It gives you concrete steps to take.

Edit/clarification: I don't particularly think the PUA thing is positive - I wish there was a positive, modern version of PUA that omitted the manipulative aspects. Maybe there is and I don't know it. (There probably is...)

What do you mean "the success of PUA" ?

Do you mean success in attracting women? We can't take pick up artists at face value when they say how many women they've seduced. How do we know they don't exaggerate? Even if they don't, how can we rule out that their success rates are below average, and they succeed with brute force (asking out lots and lots of women)?

Or, by success, are you referring to the popularity of pick up artistry? Again, we don't have numbers. I suspect the number of pick up artists are very low.

But lets assume it is popular, or at least desired. If I was to guess as to why, it's because people want the easy way out. Actually giving a shit about people, taking time to learn their unique differences, caring for them and doing right by them, that takes so much work. It would be so much easier if there were just 3 steps to making anyone your friend.

But there's not. You want something that doesn't exist. But that doesn't stop scam artists from exploiting your hope that it does.

Wow, guy. Lots of really negative assumptions there.

As I posted elsewhere on this thread, there is no substitute for genuinely caring for others.

Personally, I'm known for being quite outgoing and friendly. Probably because I genuinely care about people. I don't need these kinds of guides or an "easy way out."

But clearly, there are many people in the world who need help in this area.

And for them, I wish there was something more positive than the PUA thing.

Didn't mean you specifically. Meant "you" in the general sense. Should have said "We want something that doesn't exist." As in we all do. Sorry for getting personal.

Anyhow the sort of person who needs pick up artist techniques to make friends needs a lot more help than a book can provide.

I think we both agree that genuine empathy and sympathy for others (and, crucially, expressing those things) are at the core of a healthy human relationship.

For some of us, that's very intuitive, so the idea of learning it from a book can seem silly.

For others, maybe not? We can say that these people need "more help than a book can provide" but... breaking things down into manageable steps for people is also a pretty big part of professional therapy as well.

I was a nice but very socially awkward kid (way weirder than the average kid) and I eventually learned how to sociable as I went through my teenage years and early 20s. [1] So I always think other people can learn too. At least to some extent. ------

[1] Luckily the PUA thing didn't even exist back then, so I didn't go that route!)

> Actually giving a shit about people, taking time to learn their unique differences, caring for them and doing right by them, that takes so much work.

It's about 50/50 in my anecdotal experience that half of them doesn't give a shit or is basically assholes.

> It would be so much easier if there were just 3 steps to making anyone your friend.

That's actually not true. It's actually a skill and some of these guys, including me, have spent years going out twice a week, 5 days a week, to acquire this skill.

It might seem easy to read those stuff but I think it's hard work to actually practice it.

> But that doesn't stop scam artists from exploiting your hope that it does.

I haven't spend any money on it. Mostly lurking through forums.

But, I know a few coaches and they do make money off of people.

I personally don't believe they can really make a lasting impact with just a week of booth camp or two days. It may help if you have some basis or moderate understanding of communication or social skill. It's more of a skill that take years.

If you do want to see some positive side of PUA I believe 21 convention videoes on youtube is good. It focus on all aspect.

  > That's actually not true. It's actually a skill and
  > some of these guys, including me, have spent years
  > going out twice a week, 5 days a week, to acquire 
  > this skill.

What we're seeing in this thread (and everywhere, really) is that this skill is so intuitive to many people that they don't even recognize that it's a skill others have to work at.

I'm kind of in the middle. I was an awkward kid but I worked hard at figuring out how to socialize over the years and now it actually comes pretty naturally to me. (Not that I'm a master charmer today or anything!)

But I respect that this skill is something that a lot of people struggle at. And I think that getting people started on the right path might be simpler than other people think - some people benefit from having allegedly "intuitive" concepts spelled out to them, such as "a good conversationalist will ask questions about the other person."

Here's my opinionated two cents.

I'm 27 and an introvert and I think that the biggest change that I've experienced these past few years has been to loosen up my thinking regarding what others think of me. This has helped me to be more relaxed around other people, and that leads to body language changes, which again leads to other people subconsciously behaving more positively around and towards me. Later I've come to understood that I was viewed as a cold and non-caring, whereas in reality I was shit scared and stiff around other people. Also one thing that I've come to recognize after reading some articles and doing self-studying is, that my batteries drain around other people, and I need alone-time to recharge them. Whereas for extroverts the drain-charge cycle works exactly the opposite way.

I'm getting a bit off-track here. Let me comment on some of the writings in the comments: I'm not sure if it's an "america"-thing, but I don't know many people at all that want to talk about themselves. It's not like I would want to talk about myself, I know myself already. Ofcourse that helps the other person get to know me, but personally I think that the other person is immensely more interesting in regards to whom to talk about. So beware of going all-out on making the other person tell things about themselves, one might come to feel uneasy quite fast.

What sn0wBuM said. You need to _actually_ care about other people to keep in contact with them. I apparently don't, because only ever I contact other people when I want to be with them for one reason or another or need something from them. Hence most of the time I dont keep in contact, and that is just the way I am. Contacting someone just to say "Hi, what's up! Long time no see!" and having a half-assed conversation when neither of the party has anything real to say is, in my opinion, one of the stupidest things to do. Though this part of my behavior might be heavily affected by my nationality, Finnish, because we are silent and (look) grumpy most of the time, nor de we have a concept of "small talk". We mean business or we rarely talk.

And while books are good, academic knownledge of how to socialize doesn't do the trick. Actually doing, does.

Meeting new people? Well. You're among people now, so get to know some odd pervert on the net around the same shady corners you spend your time on and you might actually find more deeper friend-relationships than trying to find people offline, where the variety and amount of choices might not be as vast. I found like-minded people at conventions and via board-games. If you don't feel like you fit (for real, not under self-pity), then don't try to fit, and find another kind of people.

Unless your language is unintelligible, then I don't believe for a second it to be a problem. If you're nice person at heart, it usually shines through. But if you are an obnoxious person, you're obnoxious no matter if you master the language perfectly. As long as you get the point through :)

"Making friends is incredibly difficult for adults." Bull. Most adults try "to be adult" (not jumping with one leg in the air at center of the street etc. "dummy" things), which makes it more difficult to get to know them, because they try to blend in and not be individuals (but they all want to). So if you can overcome _your_ fear of trying to communicate with people, others rarely stop you. (Though don't start a conversation plain-blank on the streets with a stranger in Finland for the sake of befriending them, they might think you are loose from a mental hospital.)

I dont talk much. I don't (can't) take part in conversations because 99% of the time I have absolutely nothing to say. And besides, "it's better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt". But when I say something, I usually have something meaningful to say, even though if this kind of behavior leads me to being mostly a purpose-oriented person in the eyes of others. I'm me, and if everyone were alike, things would be pretty boring.

It takes all sorts of men to make the society. And in my opinion it's better to be one of those that thinks about these things than to be like the vast majority of testosterone-driven competitive buffs.

> I'm me, and if everyone were alike, things would be pretty boring.

Absolutely. Some entrepreneur said(I forgot who) something like "Do something different. And you will become successful."

Hackerspaces. Geek meetups. Get roommates, even if you can afford not to have them, join a co-op. It takes work, it sucks, but its worth it. Join a sport even if you hate them?....guy at my job has been inviting me to dragon-boating. For women...no clue, I'm gay.

You could try doing some couch surfing in your area or rent a room in a shared apartment. Living together with other people is a great way to make lasting relationships. There is the chance that you wont 'click', but then you can just move to another place.

Nothing to worry bro. There are innumerous number of people goign througg the same condition. I am also working in FLORIDA (which is very bad in terms of public transport) and in the same ship in which you are in. let's be friends. m there at panbhatt at gmail

Meeting girls in Florida is much easier than in the Bay Area.

Idea: teach/be a teaching assistant for an extra curricular class in the language you speak most fluently. You'll be able to help people speak your language, and also share your culture with them. Might also help eliminate any communication barriers.

Start by never apologizing in advance.

Proceed by talking to people about topics you are familiar with or have common grounds. E.g. if you are a ruby guy go to ruby meetups. To make things even easier you could try finding people speaking your mother tongue in these areas.

Pick up Magic: The Gathering. See stories here: https://www.wizards.com/Magic/Magazine/Article.aspx?x=mtg/da....

LessWrong meetups. You're in the Bay Area, where they have the strongest community.

re: car. Many people, especially ones that also don't have a car and see the value in not having a car (or at least not utilizing it heavily) in an urban area.

re: English. Just keep practicing. I know that it can be frustrating (on both sides), but you won't get better if you let that stop you from getting better. Do you read English well? That may be a first step in helping to remember words. Also, English is stupid: don't feel bad if it doesn't make sense to you; it doesn't really to us [native-speakers] either.

In general, things like MeetUp.com are helpful. Find activities that you're interested in, and go for them!

Have you tried meetup.com? Maybe there's an event or group that catches your eye.

When I was actively seeking for an internship, I have attended a lot of meetups. I was not able to make friends, though.

OP: it seems like it's time to seek professional help. Your post implies worries about your mental health. Time spent regularly seeing a counselor is probably going to the be most effective thing for you.

I was the same. Meetups are not as helpful as groups where you actually do an activity together, be it theater, climbing, board games, ...

The problem with meetups is that you don't have the common activity to help with really interacting between each other. It's often a presentation and then some networking but networking events at meetups don't help introverts at all.

Want to have lunch? I work in RWC too. My treat. bdamm at dammfine . com, it's best if you email me there and then reply here and say you did.

Tech meetups are not the best choice for meeting people. Try movies, museums, hiking, etc. Meetups where there is a built-in social component of perhaps one where conversation is the whole point.

I've had both good and bad experiences with meetup.com events.

Usually the problem is you join a group that already met a few (sometimes many) times together and you're the odd one. Of course some groups try to be really inclusive but that's not always the case. Rarely you feel confident enough to engage in the topics discussed etc.

I guess it might be a cultural thing. Possibly it works better in countries like US.

I've made the majority of friends I've got from sitting in pubs and being happy to talk to people, there's just a fine line between drunken best friends for a night and life time buddies but it's doable.

Hey! I just moved to Redwood City for an internship that goes through the end of August too! Email me at webster.phil@gmail.com and let's get together. I am more than happy to deal with less than perfect English.

Hey!

I guess you were probably raised in a buddhist family so I don't know if you can apply the same thing with your belief, but for me, being far from my home town is not a big deal since I really feel at home when I go to church. People at my church are like a family for me. And I find it like that almost everywhere I meet christians. I get the same support, feeling of belonging, etc. that I would get in a family.

Also, "How to make friends and influence people" is a good book I recommend (started reading it recently).

And like someone else said, try talking to someone new every day. Maybe to other asian people at first if it's easier for you. This guide helped me with that: http://www.wikihow.com/Talk-to-Strangers

God bless you. :)

You are not asking how to meet people, you are asking how to meet the perfect people for you who will be available only when you want them. you are turning down all opportunities to actually meet people.

I need a brand new friend who doesn't bother me

I need a brand new friend who doesn't trouble me

I need someone, yeah, who doesn't need me

I don't think that's the crutch of his problem though...

  the crutch of his problem
      ^^^^^^-- crux

Read self help books on being an extrovert. Check out Socially Accepted on Amazon it's a Self-Help book for the socially awkward.

Be sure what you know you apply. Don't expect a change by just reading it.

Look up RSD Tyler on YouTube. On the surface it can seem deeply insincere and shallow but I believe some of techniques taught they can be applied in all areas of life when interacting with people.

Having suffered this, I will comment based on what I've done that I feel works.

- Join social groups. I went on Meetup, local college sites, did Google searches for things I was interested in by area, went to logical hangouts for that stuff (gaming shops, hobby shops, maker hangouts, ect...) If you are diligent, you will soon find yourself with more to do than you have time for.

- Rarely say no. If you are hesitant or nervous about a social situation, particularly one w/ new people, ignore that and participate. You will meet people much more slowly if you only accept social situations where you're comfortable.

- Smile. Many people have what I would describe as a non-approachable resting face (worried, mean, nervous, ect..). Folks who might talk decide not to because they expect you will respond poorly. People also interpret smiling as confidence. They will be more likely to smile back at you (oddly, this seems to make me more happy myself) As a corollary to the above, also try to project openness (open arms, calm/interested sitting posture, ect..).

- Say "hello", "what's up", ect... to everybody and pay attention to the answer. The most wonderful thing most people can talk about is themselves. Let them, and then Ask Questions. Conversations are like ping-pong, they cannot survive unless people serve and then return serves

- Learn people's names and then use their name when you talk to them. The most wonderful thing they can hear is their own name.

- Work offhand compliments into your speech. True for female or male. Nice hairstyle, excellent choice of clothes, ect.. Only things where they've made a choice or developed a skill that then worked out well in your estimate (ie, not natural features). Effectively complimenting their judgement while showing you're interested in them

- Look people in the eye. It is extremely difficult to establish a connection or communicate interest without looking people in the eye. People who don't are viewed as shifty or evasive. You're not staring, but when you say something, look the person you're saying it to in the eyes.

- Get in shape. Aerobic exercise gets you out, looking healthy, and is another form of social contact. It also keeps weight low, which affects features like facial fat and general desirability. For Anaerobic exercise, women are biologically programmed to find certain physical features interesting, develop them. Good self image also helps build self confidence

- Find good rolemodels. If you want to be charismatic, find people who are charismatic. Its much easier to develop effective habits with good examples

- Grind charisma and confidence. All things require practice. You should try to talk to people at every opportunity. Also pay attention to effective things people do. (Perhaps a co-worker who grabs everyone's attention at a meeting or a friend who effortlessly strikes up a conversation with a stranger) Note and then practice those techniques.

Re: Get in shape - there's Planet Granite nearby, it worth checking out, signing up for some classes.

http://www.planetgranite.com/locations/belmont/bl_hoursanddi...

To answer the title directly: buy a new shirt, wear clean jeans and get out. It's that simple.

Alternatives includes getting a dog and walking her out, meeting new people in the process (who do the same).

I realise this is a bit trite, but start by being a friend, not looking to find a friend. Act as if you already were a friend with people - help them out, show an interest in them, etc etc.

I was also incredibly shy (and still am a bit when meeting new people) and had to work hard at overcoming this in order to make friends. To be honest, I'm not even sure if I'm doing better but I do know that my circle of friends is much, much, bigger now.

It helps a lot to find a niche, or a group of people with similar interests. I find it very hard to relate to people who I do not share interests with and thus it makes it incredibly difficult to continue onwards with a friendship. I managed to meet a lot of my friends in the industry (design/development/tech world) but there are a handful that I've picked up along the way through hobbies I've kept.

Here's what helped me:

- I went out to places I wouldn't normally go to and learned how to keep conversation with a stranger by myself. This is important. I cannot stress how important this is. It not only taught me how to have 'small talk' but it also taught me how to get over the initial hump of starting a conversation. I am not overly aggressive about this, so you don't have to feel like this is an overwhelming task. I practice on cab drivers as well, as the quieter environment makes it easier for me to pay attention to what they're saying.

- I learned how to talk about the other person more than I talked about myself. When they ask about me, I typically lightly defer the conversation and try to bring it back around to them. This generally keeps the conversation going, and helps them feel good about themselves as well.

- I proactively found meet-ups with people who I shared interests with. (At the time, I was heavy into photography and I maintained those friendships from that time.)

- I put a lot of effort into getting to know my current friends better or maintaining the friendships that I do have. This is also important. I put my friends above all else.

- I tried new things, and are still trying new things. Typically if there's an activity I haven't tried, but always thought I wanted to, I just went out to do it! I have an eclectic circle of friends because of this.

- Try to relax in social situations. If they don't like you immediately, there are tons of people in the world that will warm up to you quicker. Don't think of every person as the 'end goal.'

- Don't worry about the girl(s). I know it's lonely, but seriously–don't! Work on yourself, and you'll be surprised how many opportunities arise from that.

That's all I got, I'm working on it. Everything takes time, including this.

Hey, guy. I feel you -- I've totally been there. Feel free to hit me up, I'd love to grave coffee with you and show you around the city. Email's in profile.

enter the so-called 'pua community'. its a shitload of work (ie doing awkward things like approaching strange girls in awkward places like the street) to get better, BUT its really good for your social skills. and you'll def meet some nice ladies OF COURSE. just take it from this introverted carless autistic no-longer-a-virgin programmer. if you ever come to the netherlands i'll welcome you to 'game' with me and my gang some time.

oh dude, solution is easy. Join a start up! I've been to many startups. People work hard day and nights and weekends and they spend all their time together, eating, joking, fighting, complaining, stressing out. it builds really friends! no one cares about your english because after a while there is an unspoken understanding between the close 'brothers'. Join a start up today!

Here's how. You seem like a decent person. Feel free to reach out to me.

Email me (email in my profile) We can first start with coffee and goto a few events.

I'm from the bay area too. Got some advice that I don't want to share in a public forum, shoot me an email if you're interested!

I did it simply this way - help others - so many in the community need help, pick your interest areas, and contribute your time and effort.

Two words: partner dancing

For me it was Argentine Tango. For others maybe salsa, swing, ballroom, etc. I seriously cannot overstate how great dancing is.

Being a friend is easier than making a friend. And if you be a friend to someone good, then you will make them a friend over time.

It's like worrying about how to sit people at a fancy dinner party

The ones who matter don't care and the ones who care don't matter

Just wanted to say I feel you man, and all the nerd love and support from HN in this thread really punches me right in the feels.

/singletear

Check out http://www.succeedsocially.com/.

What about other asians who speak same language? it's more fun to hang out with your nationals, mentality etc.

Lots of psychologist out there. could you tell me about introvert & how do we overcome the introvert.

Do not try to be someone you are not. Keep being yourself and have an open mind when other people try to engage with you. I had to move around a lot of times as a foreign student in the U.S. and always wondered what would be the best way to become friends with new people. I think it's more important to respond well than going around places looking for people you can talk to.

The classic advice is the book "How To Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie.

Do what every other socially awkward introvert does on the weekends... play World of Warcraft.

http://www.meetup.com/

This is a hard problem to solve and has no silver bullet. But please dont give up.

why don't you try online meetups ? join teams on meetup.com or couchsurfing. find activities like tea gathering or sports.

Also, what about friends of friends and colleagues at work, you can start there as well.

Hello,

I’m not sure I fit into the conversation because although I have lived the last 2 years in exile in order to finish my university (in 3.5 years I might a Pharmacy degree at hand). Let’s say that I was on a mission and it payed back.

I’m not an introvert. In my town there are more people than I could count that would wanna hang out with me. I have a girlfriend, a sports-car, etc.

The things I do when I wanna get “connected” in a totally foreign area are the following:

1. Go to the gym, take some special courses (could dancing classes, or kick-boxing. I’d go for the dancing classes any day of the week). The gym is an excellent way to get fit and meet new people. Go to a popular place, not the one that is closest to your area but always empty. Get there the after-work hours that the gym is full (in Europe that’s 18:00 to 21:00 PM).

2. Get haircuts as much as possible. Like once every three weeks. It’s not so much about the hair, although aesthetics are extremely important too, it’s about becoming friends with the most notable chit-chat in your area. Pick a place which is full of females. Don’t go to a ‘mens place’. These hair-dressers (or whatever they wanna call themselves), like to chit-chat more than anything. Try to open a conversation. If you find the right place, they will open the conversation not you (so it’s easier for introverts).

3. Except from the gym, try outdoor activities. What you’re good at? Hacking? Try to find a local hacker-space. You’re into chess, try to find a chess club. You’re into ballroom dancing, go for it. If you’re not into anything, then try to find something that you’d like to do, and go for it. The easiest way to meet people outside of school/job/university is doing activities together. If you can afford it, learning an instrument is also another extremely good way to get connected :-)

4. Try to be active on social media. Connect with the people you are in the gym (not stalk, just connect). Will help you extremely to have their facebook/twitter account and follow/comment/share.

5. Organize: Once you go out with a friend or two. Try to organize something your self and invite them to join you. Be pro-active (“Do you wanna go to the movies next week guys? There’s this great film!”).

A couple of notes about conversations with people you don’t know:

    * Never answer with ‘yes’ or ‘no’. If you do, always come back in a question. 
    * Try to look the eyes of the person you’re talking too. Makes you look strong and straight character. It also gives you the advantage to read ‘extra signals’.
    * At the beginning try not to express a negative opinion about anything (politics, specific tv shows/characters). Try to get the other party to express a definitive opinion. If you don’t agree, let them know but very smoothly and never in absolute ways.
    * Try not to move your heads when talking. Avoid grimaces. Let the other’s do them.
    * In all this, try to be yourself. Never say or do anything you can’t back-up.
    * Try to be funny, but not too much.
    * Try not to get early prejudices. Takes time to get to know each other. Things might be different from what the other guy/girl is letting you know.
    * Remember to always... SMILE :D

As a last note. Improve your style

The ancient Greeks had a saying that is extremely deep, IMHO. It’s not absolute but goes a long way: “mens sana in corpore sano”. A healthy mind lives in healthy body. But the meaning is not healthy as in 100%-gym fit.

Being fit, stylish and well behaved will give you a head-start as a choice of friend/partner. By stylish I don’t mean expensive clothing, I mean ‘stylish’. Don’t wear very old shirt if you can get a new (cheap/expensive depends on your financial status) shirt. Treat yourself better and you’ll be treated better. Try never to smell bad. If you smoke for example, try always to clean up your clothes and hair. Make sure you never stink of sweat or anything else. If you can’t get a car, get a second hand vespa for example and paint it, to make it look 'like a new one'. Being stylish (as the Italians know) is not about money it's about ideas.

If you don’t know anything about fashion, gyms, style in general… Well the internet is here to help you. Remember that with a ‘classic’ look you’re always acceptable, don’t take any risks. By being fit I don’t mean an having musces, I mean not being overweight. Being clean (haircut, nails, clean teeth, clean clothes, use a fragrance daily, etc.) is the most important of all things. People would stand next to you if you’re cleaned up, and won’t even if you are their relative if you are not.

Hope you find what you’re looking for quickly :-)

good luck!

ps. Topics like this one mixed with extremely technical make me think that this is the best community, I’ve been part of.

> The ancient Greeks had a saying that is extremely deep, IMHO. It’s not absolute but goes a long way: “mens sana in corpore sano”.

Are you sure they weren't Romans? Or maybe Greeks who spoke Latin.

Yeah I'm sure. I'm reciting the latin version because it's easier to read in English. The original version is: νοῦς ὑγιής ἐν σώματι ὑγιεῖ.

> I'm reciting the latin version because it's easier to read in English.

I suspect an English translation would be even easier for English speakers to read.

> The original version is: νοῦς ὑγιής ἐν σώματι ὑγιεῖ.

That's Greek to me!

Okay, I'll take the bate :-P --

> I suspect an English translation would be even easier for English speakers to read.

Yeah but it would take-away the prestige, that comes with the proverb. Reciting English is one thing, reciting Latin is another ;-)

> That's Greek to me!

Exactly!!!

If you are in San Francisco, come meet me, I'll be your friend ;)

Hey, I live in Redwood Shores, what company are you interning for?

Realize that everyone else is just trying to make friends as well.

This explains why this type of thread which is otherwise unrelated to technology is so popular.

Join WalMart or any other store as a sales man for 6 months

I am in Redwood City too - so lets meet for lunch :)

Hangout with extrovert people. It worked for me!!

Find a hobby. I play Magic the Gathering.

I'll hang out with you!

I can relate to this. A lot

For a totally different perspective, here's my take – from a guy who's never really been shy or introverted. However, once I started studying physics (never been much of a nerd myself), I met a lot of socially awkward people. Since I was new to this kind of culture, I tried to find out as much about why a lot of these people have so many problems connecting to others, even though they are generally quite smart.

Before I go on to list the tips, here's something I learned from having been in a psychotherapie myself (different reasons, though): Be absolutely clear that the investments your have to do (overcoming your angst) are huge, and wil only slowly diminish. You will need to force yourself to action.

Now here's some things I gathered:

* Being good at social interactions is a skill that needs to be trained. Remember how long it took to become a hacker? And how bad you were at first at it? Same thing with talking to strangers. However, while hacking awful code can still be a rewarding experience, having an awkward conversation is probably not. Try and work on that first: Every time you've managed to start a conversation, regardless where, with whom or how it went, reward yourself (think about how fucking hard it was to do it, and you dit it! Also, probably none of the bad things you imagined happened). As important: Do it consistently (yes, standard time management techniques help).

* Maximize your exposure to other people. Join a choir (even if you can't sing – this is a great place to learn it), learn sports (martial arts seem to be popular with nerds), or join some other club. There are other great tips here. It's OK if it takes time to make friends – use the regular sessions to practice casual conversation.

* Experiment with drinking a little (like beer or wine), when you go out. I know, this really sounds like bad advice, but it helps for quite a lot of people I know. Avoid being drunk, however! Generally, avoid drinking if you want to talk to girls, especially if you are not used it. Sober you might be shy (not a bad thing per se, can be really sweet), drunk you risk to appear creepy.

* I heavily suggest not trying to change your looks, or you body language, or anything superficial, based on what you think makes you appear more confident. It won't change anything relevant. Moreover, I havent't met a single socially awkward person who was able to pull this off (trying to appear confident). Try to feel natural, even if you can't always feel comfortable.

* Practice your English skills in conversation. There's no other way to become fluent (I'm not a native English speaker myself, and my English is OK at best, but it's enough). Try to remember phrases of other people you liked. Generally, people don't care if your English isn't perfect, but I know from experience (in more than one language): The better you know the language, the safer you feel in a conversation.

* Best tip I read here on HN: Care about other people.

But: If you feel that this is all too much at your stage, and if you keep re-iterating destructive thoughts, I recommend seeking therapy. _Rational emotive behavior therapy_ has been shown to help[2]. Group therapy might be an alternative to regular psycotherapy sessions.

BTW: Congratulations! Starting a thread on HN was a great idea. You'll need determination and willpower, but you're off to a good start.

[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rational_emotive_behavior_thera... [2] http://www.jiaap.org/Listing_Detail/Logo/ba65b0f5-6158-4c3d-...

Come on!Sunshine guy.

With the time you have, start a startup that solves this! \o/

(Yes, I am very serious!)

Play ultimate!

Get a hobby.

Let. go. of. your. pride. Based on your username, I think you're Korean... from one Korean to another, let go of any pride that you might be clinging on to. Make jokes. Find a kickass Korean BBQ place in your area, and suggest a get-together where you show your new buddies how to order, drink Soju, etc. (NOTE: I've noticed that some Koreans like to brag about their wealth/generosity with money and try to pay for group meals--Do NOT be awkward--Do NOT offer to pay for the group meal! I think I have done this before, and it just made everyone uncomfortable and see me as the one who was trying too hard.)

Korea has one of the highest suicide rates in the world--remember this so that you can realize that your approach to thinking about life might not be normal. As a Korean myself, I don't think Koreans are normal. In my opinion, the suicide rate is highest among the OECD countries because we are, in general: (1) excessively prideful (2) always overthinking everything (3) have a warped perspective on "the grand scheme of things" (4) other things that I won't mention here... you might know what they are--also related to the problem of having excessive pride.

You being afraid to interact with people is probably simply this: "I'm much more intelligent than I appear with my English... I sound like an idiot. But I am not an idiot."

Of course, I'm only guessing, but if that internal dialog rings true for you, let go of it. Look in the mirror and say, "I'm an idiot! We're all idiots! Every person on this planet is some amount of Idiot, and we're going to spend all of our lives doing our best and trying to improve the lives of people around us. Through that, we'll somehow find happiness. Because everything will work out."

Make social mistakes early and often. You will grumble over rejections for days, but you will forget each crazy social mishap within a year.

Also, you say that you end up wasting time on the weekends. What types of things do you do on your own? Hiking? Museums? Obtain a new hobby and strive to become above-amateur at it. Volunteer at the animal shelter. Work in hospice care. Attend an open-minded church full of university students.

Put your focus on putting other people at easy. Every day, make your goal to make someone smile.

Remember: We only get what we give. - Be generous. - Don't be afraid to call yourself an idiot and be able to laugh at yourself good-heartedly about it. (Know that you have immense value as a human being, but don't worry about everyone having to know your exact level of intelligence.) - Be really good at something not work-related. Share that thing with other people.

Also, maybe ask your manager for help and suggestions with this. Surely your 1-on-1 meetings aren't all about work? As an intern, you will be naturally be curious about the area and whatnot. Whenever I suffered at the social front in a new city, I asked my past managers for help and they ALWAYS delivered great ideas.

If the people aren't in your life yet, build the kind of life that you want to live and the right people will naturally gravitate towards you. As a shy, introverted, ESL person, this mentality is what helped bring me peace and a short list of true life-long friends.

Hope this helps. Just remember that awkward moments can sometime cause happy accidents. The best thing to do if something goes wrong is to laugh about it (because you are alive!), learn from it, and move on with a brighter and more open heart. Like a muscle, this practice will strengthen and you'll get more used to just putting yourself out there--broken English and all--come what may.

There’s already plenty of great practical advice about the how and where to meet new people, so I’d like to offer a different point of view.

Two implied beliefs jump out at me as I’m reading your post:

1. A richer social life and/or a girlfriend will fill my unbearable void

2. I lack the skill or power to enrich my social life or impress a potential romantic partner.

These two points lead me to believe that your pain is a matter of perspective as much as anything else. Let me explain.

You mentioned that on weekends, you’ve done all sorts of activities alone. So have I! Last week, I watched the Miyazaki’s last movie (The Wind Rises) at the Castro Theater by myself, I have breakfast and dinner by myself almost everyday and I take a solo hour-long stroll to the park a couple times a week after work. My point is, being alone is only unbearable if you imagine the grass on the other side to be so vibrantly green that it blinds you to your present reality. I’m not trying to say ‘hey bud, your life is awesome and you’re a fool for not seeing how great it is’. Instead, I want you to consider whether or not having a richer social life is really all that.

Putting an imagined future girlfriend on a pedestal is not only unrealistic, but it can make the present seem like a real drag. And I’m getting the sense that that’s what you’re experiencing. This may not be entirely appropriate here, but there’s a saying (not sure where it’s from) that bluntly gets to the point: “Behind every beautiful woman, there’s a guy who’s tired of fucking her.” Now, finding a beautiful lady to spend your evenings with may not be your big struggle, but the lesson I get out of it is that no singular attainment will complete your life. There are human beings with thousands of friends ands fans who are stricken by loneliness at night.

The unfortunate repercussion of having such a vivid imagination is that the whole situation has been turned into a high-stakes game of poker. Imagine! Your happiness is hanging off the perceived success of your social life. Surely, it’s heart-wrenching to strike up a conversation with a stranger who could potentially grant you happiness in the form of their friendship and acceptance or condemn you to the pain of rejection. Putting such high expectations on having a social life is debilitating. Try seeing it in the same light as opening a jar of pickles. Apply gentle force in the right spots, but if the jar is stubborn, get another jar of pickles. Whatever you do, don’t attach your self-worth to your ability to open that pickle jar!

Making friends is hard, but probably no harder than engineering. It doesn’t take a car, great conversational skills, or even suave. It just takes a tendency to try and a resistance to overthinking it. Many people gravitate towards awkward personalities because beyond it, they see innocence and sensitivity. Some women appreciate men who aren’t helplessly dependent on cars, and I know plenty of explorers who would be eager to hear about your travels upon noticing your accent. It’s short-sighted to see your accent or lack of a car as a problem. There are people who go out of their way to fake an accent because they think it’s cool! Perspective is everything.

I’ll stop here in case I’m making this more about myself than anyone else, but I’ll leave a few practical ideas that could potentially make a big difference at your current junction:

1. Live with strangers. This gives you the opportunity to bond with people on a more intimate level. It’s much easier to get past the chit-chat small-talk phase when you’re living with someone.

Added benefit: save money.

2. Love doing something. It can be intimidating going to meetups thinking you’re doing it to meet other people. Solution: Go because you love the activity. Could be coding, gardening, basketball or lock-picking. If you love the activity more than you dread the feeling of intimidation, then it becomes a no-brainer!

Added benefit: less time to overthink when you’re engaged in a thrilling activity.

3. Stop using Facebook. I have scientifically proven, through self-observation, that I am happier without Facebook than I was with it. Okay fine, there was no science involved, but I remember vividly the feeling of envy as I scrolled through everyone else’s vacation photos. No Longer.

Added benefit: strangers are sometimes interested in hearing about why I don’t use Facebook.

Background: Asian, 25 years old. Freelance software engineer. Introvert. Been living in SF for 3 months and previously in Texas.

If any of this resonates with you, I’m happy to meet up sometime. You can find me on Twitter @hangsu or GitHub (hangsu)

Best Wishes.

Tinder?

What happens after August? Does the internship end and your visa expires or were you able to secure yourself a permanent job in the US? The reason I ask, is because, if the time is limited, your options are even more so. Meeting people is one thing. Even having a fling or two is a very realistic possibility time-wise. But making friends or any friend at all that is worth half a penny, takes time. It could happen, but it is not something that you do or that you make happen. We say we make friends, but we really don't. We find each other, after lots of interactions with all sorts of people. There is beauty in it, but in reality it's usually quite messy. There's no algorithm, no code, no debugging. There's heated arguments, lighthearted fun, fights, all is game. But when you care about someone enough not to want to lose that person, and he/she also feels the same way, you know you have a friend (sometimes a partner). Friends forgive you if you are being an idiot. You usually have to apologize though. You put yourself out there and sometimes you get hurt or really mad. Other times, you just get to experience the wonders of true friendship.

But, I have to ask you (rhetorically), what have you been thinking? (And now the part where I answer my own question) I am making an assumption here so feel free to call me out on it, but my feeling is that you didn't think making friends was really that important. You see something now, that maybe you didn't before, and you suddenly want that. I had a conversation with a cousin of mine long ago, and he was smart (in school), but he didn't have any friends. And so once I told him, to forget about lots of the idealistic stuff he had going on in his mind all the time, and to make friends, because there lies real value. That was very sad to see, but then again, that was his choice and we are accountable for the choices we make.

Now, I am not saying you are like my cousin, but I bet my right arm and leg that you had more than one chance during your stay in college or at work, to make friends. But you didn't. So you really need to ask yourself why and not make any more excuses if you really want to change that.

As someone else suggested, at your age, most people have already made their friends and are not likely to invest in making new friends. Acquaintances sure, but for friends, that train is gone (mostly). But do you know why? It's not because of a first come, stacking kind of logic, where once the stack is full, you're done. It's because becoming friends with someone can be exhausting emotionally, and most people tend to have some resistance after twenty-plus years of trials and errors. It's not the same with finding a partner, since people of all ages are looking for a partner, so that is actually much easier.

If you are serious about wanting real friends, be ready to work for two.

People you hang out with just when you feel like it, are not friends. They are more like acquaintances. Friends are those people you hang out with even when you don't feel like (in many occasions). I don't want to turn this into a discussion about acquaintances and the different types of friendships though. All I am saying here is that you are not a friend with someone because it is convenient. I hope I could get this point across.

Next up: language. Honestly without hearing you speak, there isn't much to say, but you can write fairly well. I am also guessing that you can understand everything people say to you when they speak. If that is the case, as long as you don't speak in an incomprehensible way, people won't care much. Still, it's good to work on improving how you sound and to be both modest and confident. People tend to shy away from people who lack confidence (and from those with too much of it also, although not always). There's a book called American Accent Training, with a nice American flag adorning the cover! For Asians that talk in a non-flowing manner, it can be of great help.

BTW, conversation is not about how you pronounce something, but about what you do and how you do it. Listen and show genuine care, or to put it bluntly, "give a damn". Learn to do this constantly. Don't try to fool people. If your interest is not genuine, a real relationship will not come out of it.

Don't give up ever, act, and things will happen. Maybe not tomorrow, but then it is just a matter of time, and time is still on your side.

Are you from china or india?

what does being Asian have anything to do with this?

It doesn't specifically. But asian males are in general shyer and less attractive.

ouch. As an asian male, I'm ok with the first part. the second part hurts at the heart. but don't forget asian males are also short!

shyer /= less attractive

Just to make everyone aware that what I said above wasn't meant to be racist. I'm an asian male myself and I'm just telling reality as it is. You never really see white girls with an asian guy and a big part of that is both personality and looks. Asians tend to be short, skinny and nerdy and they don't have the sharper, more masculine facial features that white people have.

There are of course tons of exceptions to this broad generalization, but the generalization still exists.

Sorry if I offended anyone.

Sell your startup for a $bajillion.

Game.

Nuff' said.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the South Bay is the worst area I've lived in America for meeting people, especially ladies.

did you really have to add the 'Asian' connotation? IMHO, labeling yourself is already a sign of low self esteem. Don't limit yourself, being Asian has nothing to do with your lack of friends or your introversion.

Imagine if it was a Black engineer, again, it matters very little, don't put society's label on yourself.

Also, you are totally not alone man, everyone's been there. I used to live and work alone but it's like well, something you just gotta get through. If it helps, I hear California has a great medical marijuana program, it would definitely help you relax and help you forget about being lonely, although I wouldn't rely on it solely.

You can add me on skype if you feel lonely sometime, just email me.

You'll definitely want to check out Rejection Therapy: http://rejectiontherapy.com

Here are people who have done Rejection Therapy:

Surprising Lessons From 100 Days of Rejection (TED video): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFWyseydTkQ&feature=youtu.be

Rejection Therapy Saved My Soul: http://theapproachmachine.com/rejection-therapy-saved-my-sou...

My 40 Days of Rejection: http://my40days.co.uk/

go to a language meetup in your native language (Chinese, Japanese). You will have a connection with Americans that want to learn your language.

I'm increasingly convinced most people don't understand what "introvert" means. Introversion is not social anxiety or shyness, you can be an introvert and have zero problems talking to people, enjoy going out with friends and socializing etc..

1. Get a sports car. 2. Pull up to a nice place (night club, resturant etc) 3. Problem solved.

-.-

Its quite simple making friends , you just need to feel confident and if you start doubting yourself just start to count 1,2 before you reach 3 do it , and soon that hidden voice will disappear and the confident grows.Feeling sorry for your self will be the worst.Am a developer and the first thing i do say hi to people randomly in the morning and any time and listen to a station like Capital UK find it amazing and even as i punch code ,,,you mind is knowing something that is happening and if you are the type of music guys you still enjoy .

Reply on news.ycombinator.com