I married the first girl I dated because I waited to date someone I was truly attracted to, that I felt was my mental equal and who could hold a real discussion (plus she's beautiful). We've now been married 27 years ... I hope it's not a fluke!
I've been told by women who are in my other circle of friends that they wouldn't want that because then they feel like they aren't the first choice but whatever the guy can get. But then I think about the marriages that have resulted and how happy those people are. Sometimes I wonder if people over think these things.
Forget the Kepler strategy. Forget getting the "best", if there is such a thing. If you click with the other person and both people care for and are kind to each other, then go for it and enjoy love and life.
Edit: It sounds to me like you are rationalizing and intellectualizing.
"You love me, so you allow me others; but I love you, so I will not take them."
> the marriage being very successful
> I haven't quite figured out why that is
It is not about software engineers, it is a general correlation to the "numbers" of pre-marital dates.
The lower the number of partners before marriage, the more likely is the marriage to succeed:
> http://socialpathology.blogspot.com/2010/09/sexual-partner-d...
As far as I can see this suggests that believing in cohabitation is not a strong factor when it comes to divorce.
Of course, maybe the marriage survival doesn't require being the best but just >= the past average or some other variation, but that still leaves a curve dropping in a sort of 1/n Zipf Law descent into too-bad-for-you-ness where the competition with the "ex"es never ends. Yikes.
I dunno, you meet someone you like, why date more people just because? I never really understood the survey-the-field strategy. Seems like a recipe for disappointment.
ugly, weird, fat (and come on, look at our industry) people tend to stick to their partners because they know that the alternative is not another partner - but being alone.
truly attractive (varies by gender, between pure aestethics and power, wealth) humans tend to have more relationships - because of pure availability. it is one thing to stay loyal if there is no one actively going after you, but a whole other ballgame once you have suitors.
"is there someone better out there for me?" is the key question that defines longevity of marriage. and fear of being forever alone is a strong bond.
think about it the next time you see a morbidly obese couple living "happily" together.
A bunch of mathematicians came up with a formula for finding a wife. @smoyer effectively just went up and talked to her.
Kudos to you sir... and your wife! :)
Good job Microsoft.
Here's what my wife wrote a previous time this algorithm was discussed:
"To pre-optimize a future wife, focus on being a man of character. Sacrifice for noble goals, exercise self-discipline, show love to family, especially your mother. To optimize an existing wife, continue to do those things, and also spend a lot of time together, be romantic, communicate honestly and frequently (pursue intimacy; resolve to hold no secrets), and ensure a good sex life for her--which for you means generosity and an eye toward emotion."
followup:
"Over ten, fifteen, twenty years of marriage, the single largest factor in who your wife is, is who you are. And vice versa. Her criticisms become your defensive sore spots. Your generocity becomes her avid interest. Your callousness becomes her indifference. Her complacency becomes your disinterest. And on and on. After many years, every groove in your soul matches a cusp in hers, and vice versa. There's feedback. There's resonance. That's why the quality of your wife is 120% you.
You grow to be like who you hang out with. You rise to high expectations or sink to low ones
....
To optimize your wife, optimize yourself. Because marriage is really long, and after just a few years, she's mostly who you've made her."
( Full discussion at https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1236686 )
Don't be in too much of a hurry.
jk, congrats on a successful marriage!