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Comment by donatj | Hacker News Reader

This is one of the most self centered things I've ever read. Modern day scrouge, "I’m also letting go of second chances. One strike and you’re out." Everyone makes mistakes, Honestly with that attitude your going to end up friendless and alone when you need people most. There are better ways than shutting everyone out. I find this persons attitude incredibly frustrating. You need people that challenge you in ways you don't like or you really won't grow or experience life. Shutting out everyone who says things you don't like doesn't help you, it hurts you. You are injuring yourself by not hearing other opinions. Believe it or not but you are not always right.

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"I’m also letting go of second chances. One strike and you’re out."

This is the part that I came to criticize as well. To me, it doesn't sound like letting go at all; it sounds like holding on to a grudge.

I excommunicated a family member from my life a while ago. I thought I was protecting myself and my family, but I was really just prolonging my own pain. I have since forgiven him and cautiously started letting him back into my life in limited ways. To me, that's an example of really letting go.

> I excommunicated a family member from my life a while ago. I thought I was protecting myself and my family, but I was really just prolonging my own pain. I have since forgiven him and cautiously started letting him back into my life in limited ways. To me, that's an example of really letting go.

Congratulations on making progress on a relationship that works for you. I'd like to point out, though, that for many with abusive or dysfunctional relationships with a family member, stopping contact is the letting go.

Yes - letting go isn't about excommunication, it's about "You do your thing, and that's fine. I do mine, and that's fine too."

I think I understand his point, I find myself meeting up with and spending time with friends and acquaintances who at the end of the day...don't always add much value to my life. And that time spent, the time I feel obligated to give them could have been spent doing more productive things.

That isn't to say I don't have close friends who do add value to my life, those are the people who are worth spending time on. I don't think its about being a hermit, its about being more selective.

Not every social interaction has to add value to ones live and one shouldnt feel obligated to think about "doing more productive things" all the time, that's not healthy.

I always try to help people when they ask me for help, even if it has near zero value for me (like helping out relatives with PC trouble). Yes it wastes my time, but at least i could do something good for someone else.

What you are saying makes sense... but let me give a perspective from which it the original sentiment might make sense.

I have a wife and kids, and while I will often go out of my way to go help folks, I'm limited in what I can do... so while I don't mind helping my buddy when his car needs a jump, I have gotten a lot more willing to just not do things like that, especially for folks who have demonstrated that they are selfish actors. I am not down to "one strike and you're out" yet, but at the same time, I have started to feel the pain of thinking "damn, I could be hanging out with my kids instead of taking this moron to get his tire patched."

Neither of those things is especially productive, but we all make choices, and it is healthy to consider alternatives to what we usually do.

The author's comments resonated with me, and I think some people in this thread are drawing the wrong conclusions about what it means to let go of difficult people. A difficult person, to me, is different from a person who challenges me. A person who challenges me gets me fueled up and confident, whereas a difficult person makes me want to shut down and flee the scene.

There's a great skit on Inside Amy Schumer that describes these people amazingly. Amy and a date are at a sandwich shop near Ground Zero in Manhattan, and her date makes conversation by talking about his experience on 9/11. Amy, however, is completely disinterested and keeps derailing the conversation because she becomes obsessive about whether or not she should ask the employees to put mayo on her sandwich, then further disrupts the conversation by yelling to the employees and throwing a fit when they end up forgetting to put mayo on the sandwich. [1]

I feel like we all have these people in our lives that we stay close to out of guilt, politeness, etc. My mom calls them vampires; they're people who'll cling to you and suck the energy right out of you.

[1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W34LEhJDfxE

Since when do you have to be productive when hanging out with friends?

Not productive, value. Hanging out with the same people, doing the same thing and having the same conversations. I try to push for new and interesting and a small subset of friends are stagnant people. It's hard to want to spend time with them any more.

He's becoming a hermit in a very strict, almost religious sense. I agree with you in that this sort of social decision could be more pain than joy, but you know, I never really interpreted the tone of the article as malicious or particularly negative. I think it's alright.

A few minutes later he's on Twitter advertising, and rabbiting on about Apples' new XXX. So the distractions remain.

I read it as a semi-aspirational piece, something not realisitically achievable but a target.

>> You need people that challenge you in ways you don't like or you really won't grow or experience life.

This was my exact reaction. Instead of using 500 words to describe how he's shutting people out and cutting out the distractions, he could have just said, "I'm just taking the easy road from now on."

Without challenges and push back on your ideas, what keeps you grounded in reality? If I took his advice it would be like living in my own self imposed world of rainbows and unicorns.

We can all escape reality in your own little ways, but people should tread lightly when trying to avoid it altogether.

you enumerated many overrated things

I agree. I didn't read the whole thing but couldn't a point to the post. Yeah, you're semi-famous for being an indie mac developer. Yeah, you've posted in the past that you have mental problems.

Is this the correct place to blather on about this? Go have coffee with a friend.

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