Comment by laureny | Hacker News Reader

Comment by laureny | Hacker News Reader

It's a bit of a disturbing read for a couple of reasons:

- Going to an early stage start up as a young father is not a sacrifice, it's a selfish act. You are thinking more about yourself and what you want to do (and not do) rather than what's best for your family. Hate the idea of a 9-to-5 job? Well, suck it: the regular hours and clockwork and guaranteed paycheck will go a long way toward making your family more stable and stress free. Maybe it's a good time to also ask yourself if there are no hidden reasons behind choosing this line of work. I know I've seen fathers do this because they didn't realize they were not interested in the chores involved in raising a young age infant.

- I'm guessing the infant is less than two years old (the text mentions diapers) so I'm shocked that this text is not giving credit to who really, really deserves it: the Mom. At that age, the infant doesn't really care much whether Daddy is around at night time or to play with toys, but this father really needs to realize how much stress his work situation is putting on his wife.

I have a two year old son and I quit the start up I was working at before his birth. I felt it just wouldn't be fair to my wife to stay there. There will always be start ups to join should I ever want to try this again, but a child growing up is an opportunity that doesn't occur often in one's life.

I wrote this during a very tough run at the startup. Perhaps let me share a little bit more so that is it in context.

First and foremost, most credits, indeed go to my wife and family. The reason why I didn't mention my wife in this piece other than "You’re the only cool shade in the hottest of days/For a weary soul/that your Mother saved many years ago" is because this was a letter to my daughter. This piece was part of a collection of my thoughts from last year (when I was thirty) and I did thank my wife and family when I publish it: http://vuongnguyen.com/thirty-ba-muoi.html.

I'm 31 last month and I've been with my wife for 11 years now. We're best friends in many way and we support each other in our own dreams. Before my daughter was born, I was mostly doing consulting. I made sure I spent time walking and taking care of my wife. I made it a point to never miss a doctor appointment or any pregnancy/childbirth classes we have together. I really appreciated every step of the way.

Then my daughter was born, I stopped accepting new clients (as mentioned in the piece). Spent time with my wife and newborn. Then I stayed home for another three months with my daughter so my wife could return to work.

When I joined the startup, after much discussion and encouragement from my wife, I also made a promise to never miss any doctor appointment. That is still true. I feel blessed that I was able to afford much flexibility with my family and I never take it for granted. I know many other folks who go through a much more difficult time.

I think there is much more I could do and of course I'll continue to do my very best to be a good person every day. This was written as a personal thought and shared because I wanted to feel for myself and others, that we are not sitting alone on that home-bound train, if that makes any sense.

I hope that clarifies things a bit more.

-V.

You raise some valid points for sure, obviously, we make choices: whether we go to college or not, put in that extra hour at work or not, go out with friends, hang out with a spouse/child, watch a sunset, etc. and ultimately, we have to accept our actions, consider the consequences/risks and respond as necessary.

" Hate the idea of a 9-to-5 job? Well, suck it: the regular hours and clockwork and guaranteed paycheck will go a long way toward making your family more stable and stress free. "

See, it's not that simple. What if hating that 9-5 job means he is angry and depressed and takes it out on his family or decides to give in to some sort of escape (alcoholism, extra-marital affairs, etc.)? Is it worth it then?

Don't convince yourself that a 9-5 is stable, it isn't. They are typically more stable than startups but far from rock solid. You can be laid off tomorrow due to a sudden market change, or nasty office politics. Then what? Was it worth it not to give yourself (and by extension, those that depend on you) leverage? Maybe, maybe not.

It is a complicated matter; for some, the risk of sacrificing some time now in hopes of a better future is worth it, for others, it isn't. Some would much rather have a dead-end job, barely make ends meet but spend 8 hours a day with their kids/family/friends. Others would sacrifice some relationships in order to achieve a greater goal - be it in pursuit of self-actualization or better living conditions, etc.

Author clearly thinks about his daughter and from the responses, am convinced he wants her to know that he cares for her. There's no clear cut answer and there will always be a sacrifice involved when we want something.

For some, the return of investing in relationships far outweighs the financial return of working above-average hours (I am learning this more and more). I personally think it is often worth sacrificing work/money for relationships; but at the same time, let's not forget the people who sacrificed their lives for their work. It is claimed that Nikola Tesla - at the latter end of his life - expressed regret at not getting married and sacrificing so much for his work. But without that sacrifice, where would we be as a society today? Of course, not everyone's result is as noble or far-reaching, but the truth about life is that there will always be a sacrifice to achieve something greater, the ultimate question is: Is it worth it? For that, there is no universal answer.

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